Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Incites Riots, $250k Damage

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEACONSFIELD, Iowa –

A small town in Iowa has completely banned all music from being played within city limits after a punk rock music concert caused over $250,000 in damage to local businesses.

According to police chief Mario Fellows, a punk rock music concert was booked at the Beaconsfield American Legion, featuring an underground band called ‘CarcinomaSnail’ as the headliner. The band, who are known for their intense live shows which feature songs about death, murder, and misogyny, filled the town – which normally only has 150 permanent residents – with over 500 punk and rock music fans from the surrounding area, most of whom were reportedly rowdy, drunk, and violent.

“We ended up having about 47 arrests the night of the concert,” said Officer Fellows. “The show ended and the kids, they just went out and basically rioted. They overturned cars, destroyed windows of buildings and stores, set fires, and held up a liquor-slash-convienience store for the entire day’s take – $11.48.”

Fellows said that the show’s promoters, a small group called WeRockU out of Des Moines, had gained permission from the local American Legion to hold the show there after they were not able to secure a venue in a bigger area.

“We lost the lease at our normal venue, because Des Moines kids were always having fights or passing out drunk or nodding off, whatever,” said WeRockU’s Matt Briggs. “So we set up the show in Beaconsfield, where we figured no one would give a shit what we did. Turns out, the kids from Des Moines who just go to any punk show they can, they came out here, and yeah, guess we had some similar issues. But, man, whatever. Punk-fucking-rock, right, bros?”

The town is suing WeRockU for breach of contract, which stated that no damage would happen to the Legion building, or the surrounding town. WeRockU has filed a countersuit, claiming that the Legion did not provide adequate parking as was stated in the original agreement.

Officer Fellows says that the headlining act was not held responsible or charged with inciting a riot.

“As it turns out, they’re actually really nice people,” said Officer Fellows. “They play some angry music from what I could hear while I was outside the building, but they were just sweet, nice folks who played their music, and left peacefully to head to their next gig. Everything happened after they had left. They’re fine guys and gals who I hope make it very big and have lots of success.”

The town decided to ban all music, live or recorded, in hopes that no one ever has the intention of bringing a rock show to their town in the future. A new sign has been posted on each end of the one-road town stating “Welcome To Beaconsfield – Throw Out Your Records.”

Fast Food Restaurants Busted For Selling Drugs Through 24-Hour Drive-Thrus

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island –

Several fast food restaurants in Massachusetts and Rhode Island, including 2 Wendy’s locations, a McDonald’s, and a Taco Bell, were raided recently by DEA agents after a tip lead them to discover workers selling drugs through each restaurant’s 24-hour drive thru.

According to police reports, over a dozen arrests were made at local Providence fast food restaurants when DEA agents were given an anonymous tip that several fast food workers – some who actually had jobs at multiple locations – were providing marijuana, prescription pills, and even heroin along with a customer’s Big Mac and fries.

“About two months ago, it was brought to our attention that a minor female who worked the drive-thru counter at a local Wendy’s was selling marijuana, using the restaurant as a base,” said DEA agent Alex Jergens. “We watched several customers use the drive-thru as normal, ordering a regular meal, but asking for an ‘extra side’ of muenster cheese – something none of the restaurants have on their menus. This was the code word we were looking for, and we were able to take down the first person.”

From there, says Jergens, it was easy to spot the locations that were selling drugs.

“We would go through, ask for some food, and ask for extra Muenster. If they didn’t bat an eye or question it, 9 times out of 10 we’d get some drugs from them – unusually, they were even at ‘fast food’ pricing, super cheap. Sometimes though, they were just lazy employees who didn’t want to explain they didn’t have that cheese, and we’d get American on our burger like normal. That’s okay, we like food, too. Gotta eat, even while on the case.”

In total, 14 arrests were made, with 4 of the arrests already coming back in positive convictions for drug dealing.

“We really lucked out with this one. These restaurants, they’re the perfect cover for drug operations. I cant’ say I blame them for wanting to supplement their income. God knows that these kids, they’re making shit money working fast food, but still – the law is the law, and I gotta uphold it. I’m like the Judge Dredd of drugs, I like to say.”

All the restaurants involved say they are planning on performing “internal investigations” into the matter, and most say they are planning on hiring completely new staff from janitors through general managers.

TRUE VIRAL NEWS: Maine Woman Runs Over Boyfriend After Catching Him Attempting To Molest Child

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NOBLEBORO, Maine –

A woman in Maine was arrested after running over her boyfriend with a car last Saturday. She alleges that she caught him attempting to sexually assault a 12-year-old girl.

From the NBC news affiliate in Portland, ME:

“Linda Currier, 53, and 48-year-old James Oliver, a convicted sex offender, started fighting around 11:30 p.m. after Currier saw the attempted assault at a Nobleboro residence on East Neck Road. The fight continued outside the home and Currier allegedly ran over Oliver with a car. Deputies said all adults at the home had been drinking prior to the incident.”

Sheriff Todd Brackett with Lincoln County said, “We can’t tell too many details about the case, there were other adults at the residence or in the residence so she wasn’t completely alone in this particular situation.”

Police arrested Currier for assault. Oliver was taken to a local hospital, and later arrested on charges of attempted gross sexual assault, unlawful sexual touching and failing to comply with the sex offender registration act for not updating his address. According to the Maine Sex Offender Registry, Oliver was previously convicted of sexual abuse of a minor and rape.

You can read more on this true story at: Sheriff: woman runs over man after attempted sexual assault

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police ‘He Had A Bigger TV’

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

FAIRFIELD, New Hampshire –

Envy rears its ugly head yet again as a family is briefly left in tears over the death of James Moore, 29 – father, husband, and owner of a huge TV.

Police arrested Darnell Wilson, 23, at the scene of the crime shortly after it happened. He made no attempt to resist. During questioning, he gave an honest account of what happened, verified by the victim’s family.

“Day in, day out, they’d have that TV on. I could see it through my kitchen window – part of it anyway,” he explained. “The man’s TV was at least 70 inches. What was I supposed to do? Any self-respecting man would’ve done the same.”

In a fit of jealousy and embarrassment at his mediocre 42-inch TV, Wilson paid his neighbor a visit with a fully loaded handgun. Moore’s family, initially grief-stricken and confused, came to visit Wilson and express their sympathy. Carla, wife of the deceased, said her husband “probably would have done the same” if they had such a tiny TV. The family is pressing charges regardless, because they are Americans, after all.

While Wilson is facing a trial, police say a murder penalty is unlikely due to the circumstances. The sentence is likely to be two years maximum for aggravated embarrassment with a capitalist-conditioning plea.

“I mean, it’s not like he stole our TV,” Carla said. “I’d be okay with just getting some money out of the whole thing. James didn’t have life insurance.”

The family has since purchased heavier window curtains to avoid similar annoyances in the future.

3-Year-Old Steals His Mothers Car, Police Chase Lasts 5 Hours

Posted on March 17, 2015 by JP

FORT WAYNE, Indiana-

3-year-old Jason Frew is looking at becoming the youngest resident of the Indiana State Correctional Facility For Children after a recent stunt he pulled. Little Jason had the local police officers of Fort Wayne in his rear view mirror for over to 5 hours early Tuesday morning after taking the family car out for a joyride.

Jason’s mother, Elisabeth Frew, noticed him missing along with the car, and she called authorities. An officer noticed a car driving very slowly and curving in and out of lanes only a few short miles from the Few home.

“I hadn’t gotten the call yet that a child was missing, but when I saw this kid behind the wheel I was shocked. To be perfectly honest, when I first saw the car and the person behind the wheel, I thought it was a drunk midget driving,” said officer Holtz of the FWPD.

When cops attempted to stop the car, Jason began to drive faster and faster. As officers did everything to slow the car down while making sure they didn’t hurt the young boy, the speeds of the pursuit increased more and more. Due to the open road conditions in Fort Wayne and the extreme caution they were using so as not to cause injury, the police ended up following Jason for 5 hours before he was stopped.

Elisabeth Few says she has no idea how Jason got the keys, or figured out how to use the car well enough to drive around.

“I cannot believe that he was able to drive so far and for so long,” said Elisabeth. “I guess he was paying a lot more attention when riding in the car than I thought. I’m just glad no one was hurt, but it’s going to be hard not having him home as he goes to toddler jail.”

Lawyers for the Fews say that Jason will get 3 to 6 months for reckless endangerment and driving without a valid license.

Airline Passenger Arrested After Causing Panic, Chaos During Flight

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tragedy struck as chaos ensued aboard a flight from Los Angeles bound for New York last week when one man learned where free speech ends and endangering the safety of others begins.

The classic example of “shouting Fire! In a crowded theater” describes a situation in which one’s freedom of speech is limited to prevent unnecessary panic and disaster. Toward the end of the flight, a 24-year-old man looking for amusement shouted clearly: “Tacos! Check out the free tacos!”

Immediately the plane erupted into a clamor of yelling, panic, and frustration, as passengers left their seats and began frantically searching the plane for free tacos. The pilot, co-pilot, and flight attendants, all also rushed to search for the tacos, leaving the plane completely unattended. The man’s identity remains anonymous for his protection.

The shouter’s friend, who was sitting next to him at the time, told police that he tried to diffuse the situation, but frenzy had already consumed the flight. The plane eventually flew past its destination and crashed into the ocean, killing 3, and wounding 7 before help could arrive.

The man was convicted to only one month of prison, but was forced to buy each passenger a year supply of tacos from their store or chain of choice, and may serve up to ten years on taco probation, banning him from every Taco Bell and Fajita Grill in the country.

“It sucks for the people that died, but we got free tacos, so it’s pretty cool,” one passenger commented. “I hope this teaches him a lesson on how powerful words can be.”

Woman At Walmart Arrested For Shoplifting; Police find $100 Worth Of Groceries In Her Vagina

Posted on March 6, 2015 by JP

PITTSTON, Pennsylvania –

A woman is facing charges and fines after being arrested Thursday evening at a Walmart store in Pittston, Pennsylvania. Police arrested and charged Holly Fray with grand theft after store employees said that they had seen her walking through the store, sticking food up her dress.

Officer Charles Langan of the Pittston PD said that Fray was given a full body search after she was handcuffed, and several oranges fell onto the floor between her legs.

“I thought she stuffed a bunch of things in her pants so I gave her a fast pat down, when I felt nothing and saw items begin to fall out of her pants, I knew something was up,” said Officer Langan. “A female officer was called in after Miss Fray was brought to the station, and a more thorough search was initiated.”

“They asked me to come do a full cavity search on a recently arrested shoplifter, which is very unusual,” said Officer Felicia Anne, a policewoman for over 10 years. “They told me that they thought she was holding groceries in her vagina, and I literally laughed out loud. They told me about the oranges and not feeling anything during the pat down, so I took her in the back and sure enough, we found nearly $100 worth of groceries inside of her vagina. A dozen eggs, bread, milk, a few more oranges, as well as a full porterhouse and a rack of bacon were in there, plus a lot more. I was shocked.”

Walmart’s store policy is to push for full prosecution on all shoplifters, but the store manager in Pittston says that the company found the entire situation so laughable, that they won’t be pressing charges on Fray. Walmart says the stolen items were returned to them by Pittston PD, and were able to be placed back on the shelves

Daycare Owner Arrested After Being Caught Taking Naps With Children

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

OMAHA, Nebraska-

A local Omaha man is behind bars today, but is claiming that he did nothing wrong, and is being falsely accused of crimes he did not commit. Anthony Parks, 34, is a daycare provider in Omaha. Police arrested him early Wednesday morning after being receiving complaints by parents that he was ‘laying down’ with the children during their nap time.

Parks admitted to police that he was, in fact, taking naps with the children, but also claims he never had any un-natural motives behind laying with them.

“I’m just exhausted by the time their nap time rolls around,” Parks. “Have you ever watched after 14 3-year-olds? It’s not easy. The kids were all laying down for their nap one afternoon, and I was so run down, I just laid down with them. The nap, along with the whale noises I play from the white-noise machine I bought for the kids, really made me feel refreshed. So, I just started doing it every single day.”

Parents of the children are outraged by Parks’ actions, and say that none of them ever thought there was anything “funky” going on.

“It’s not like we thought he was laying there to get some sort of sexual pleasure out of it, being surrounded by a dozen toddlers,” said mother Mary Lambert, whose daughter Kathy, 2, frequents the daycare. “My God, I’d almost rather he were molesting them. That would be easier to understand. Years of therapy could fix that problem. The problem that couldn’t be fixed would be one of those kids waking up and running off because they’re not being supervised.”

Parks is speaking out against the accusations, and promises parents he had the whole thing under control and would never let one of his students get hurt.

“Everyone needs a nap once in a while, and it wasn’t a big deal,” said Parks. “I’m hoping that these parents understand that I’m not a very sound sleeper, so even the slightest little noise, and I would have darted right up.”

“I just can’t believe anything he says,” said Lambert. “Honestly, we all thought he was shady from the beginning. Not very often a man owns a daycare in the first place. Plus, that bushy mustache and glasses, and the fact that he drives a windowless van with clowns and balloons painted on it, it’s a little unnerving. But frankly, the kids loved him. Now I have to tell Kathy, every time she asks where Mr. Tony is, that she can’t see him anymore because he’s been a bad boy.”

Kanye West Arrested After Breaking Into Beck’s House; Attempted To Steal His Grammy

Posted on February 14, 2015 by JP

LOS ANGELES, California-

Cops arrested Kanye West late Friday night after he was caught breaking and entering into musician Beck’s California home. Police were called to the scene after a security system went off in the home, and West was found with his leg stuck in a window he has smashed out. An ambulance was called to take West to the hospital.

Both West and Beck have been in the news lately due to a interruption Kanye made while Beck was receiving an award at the Grammys. West made it clear that he felt that Beck didn’t deserve to win the award, and while Beck appeared to laugh it off, Kanye began to ramble off into a frenzy of anger attacking the music industry.

Beck has yet to comment on the break-in at his home, but his manager has said that Beck will not be filing any charges. Kanye did tell police that he was there to retrieve Beck’s Best Album of the Year trophy, which he truly believed that Beyoncé deserved.

“I’m a man I handle my business and when I have a job to do I get it done,” said West. “I have to protect Beyoncé’s pride, and she deserved that award, not Beck. Who the hell is Beck, anyway?”

After he was released by police, West made a statement to the press about his feelings on the current state of the music industry.

“Music is dying and we need to have some real artist to bring it back to life. It’s all about glamor and money these days, and that isn’t what a true artist should be doing. Beyoncé is an artist in her craft and that’s why I respect her, music should be about how we inspire people, not by how the industry makes a fast buck off advertisement. Also, while I have you here, check out my clothing line, my wife Kim’s new book, and my new album that will be dropping soon,” said West

Man Attempts To Kill Girlfriend After Dreaming She Cheated On Him

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

TALLAHASSEE, Florida –

A Florida man is behind bars today after he allegedly tried to take his girlfriend’s life. According to the victim, the altercation occurred when Wrangle had a dream that she was unfaithful to him.

Jacob Walter Wrangle was arrested on Wednesday following a vicious attack on his girlfriend, Jennie-Lynn Smyth. According to the victim, Wrangle reportedly awoke at 4 AM, and begin shouting and thrashing.

“He was screaming ‘Oh no you don’t. Not like this!’ and started grabbing at me,” said Smyth. “But he just kept screaming and saying ‘You can’t make me a fool. I’m your man!’”

Smyth said she then realized he was in the midst of a dream and attempted to calm him down. According to Smyth, Wrangle overpowered her and began to reach for a weapon. “I knew he had the handgun under the bed. But I was able to make my way to a phone when he stopped screaming at me and started talking about the orange flamingos taking his pants.”

Sheriff Deputy Steven Gordon arrived on the scene minutes later and attempted to reason with the sleep-walking Wrangle.

“The individual kept stating that the victim, Ms. Smyth, was making him look like a fool. My partner and myself attempted to reason with him until it became clear he was not fully cognizant. At that time, we decided to take utilize our tasers and subdue the individual.”

When reached for comment, Wrangle’s public attorney stated his client was sure that an act of infidelity occurred. According to the attorney, Wrangle saw Ms. Smyth and an unidentified man in mid-coitus on top of a unicorn at the local supermarket.