‘Clock Kid’ Becomes Biggest Selling Halloween Costume Of All Time

clock kid

DALLAS, Texas – 

The ‘clock kid’ look has just become the most sought-after and biggest selling Halloween costume of all time, selling 29.7 million times on Amazon in the last 48 hours, according to reports.

“We can’t believe how many costumes we sold,” said costume designer Jim Meyer of Costume Company, Inc. “It’s staggering. I’m not sure how we will even make all the suitcase bombs…er, I mean ‘clocks,’ in time for the holiday.”

Clock Kid, which is based on a recent major headline involving a scam artist teen who built a hoax bomb and brought it to school, was originally slated to be banned by most online retailers, after a couple people started a petition, calling it “racist.” More proof that money talks, though, when it comes to major companies, the rapid sales changed the minds of Amazon, and others.

“Oh, we definitely want it to be available, no matter how racist it is, or isn’t, depending on how you look at it,” said Amazon spokesman Rett Tyler. “I mean, I’m not offended by it, so I couldn’t possibly care less. We’ve sold approximately a half a billion dollars worth of this costume in the last couple days. There are going to be a ton of Clock Kids coming to your door for candy this Halloween.”

According to HalloweenWatch.edu, ‘Clock Kid’ may hold the world record for biggest-selling costume of all time. It has reportedly already passed ghost, witch, and cowboy in children’s costumes, as well as sexy nurse, sexy maid, and sexy schoolgirl in the adult costume world.

“If this stays huge into next Halloween, we’ll also be releasing a ‘sexy clock kid’ version of the costume as well,” said Meyer. “This is a damn goldmine.”

There is no word from Clock Kid himself, Ahmed Mohammed, on how he feels about the costume, although more than likely, he and his family are just upset that they are entitled to any royalties.

Feds Rule #BlackLivesMatter Protestors Are ‘Gangs,’ Can Be Arrested

black lives

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The federal government ruled this morning that the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter has become a serious problem for police and law enforcement, and that agencies now have the legal right to arrest and detain people who protest as part of the movement.

“The Black Lives Matter movement started as a tag on the internet. Something that went from social media about awareness of the brutality against African-Americans, to actual, living and breathing protests in the streets, in schools, and on TV,” said senator Joe McDonald (R-Georgia.) “That can’t happen. It’s one thing for people to say something online, it’s another completely to take those feelings public, and cause problems.”

McDonald says he brought the new law to congress after he saw several black people gathered together outside a police station in his hometown of Marietta, holding signs that read #BLACKLIVESMATTER.

“It’s disgusting, really, because when it comes down to it, black lives DON’T matter – not any more than white lives, or Asian lives, or any damn lives,” said McDonald. “What we’ve got here are angry black people getting angrier and angrier each time a white cop kills some black person anywhere in the country. It’s absurd. They didn’t know that person. They have no reason to get upset. I don’t get upset when a white guy I don’t know gets killed half way across the city, let alone across the country. Because we expect violence as this keeps happening, it was time to put a stop to it.”

President Obama reportedly backed the plan to disallow the #BlackLivesMatter hashtag from being used publicly, citing the fact that too many African-American children and teens could be hurt if more riots were to break out.

“I’d rather we use a new hashtag, #NoLivesMatter, to show that no one life is more important than any other,” said President Obama. “Black lives, white lives, the lives of police and firemen. The lives of cracked-out babies born to unwed, whore mothers – they are all important, and we should have one movement uniting them all.”

Law enforcement agencies are pushing the law to go a step further, and allow them to arrest people in their local area who use the BlackLivesMatter hashtag on social media, in the same way they can currently arrest people who discuss illegal or gang activity in public forums.

Hulk Hogan Wears Blackface In Public To Prove He’s ‘Not Racist’

hogan

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Former professional wrestler Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, was recently spotted in Los Angeles wearing his trademark Hulkamania tee-shirt and bandana, but also sporting something a little more out of the ordinary for the 62-year-old.

“I saw Hogan walking through the mall, headed into a JC Penney, and his entire face was painted black. For a minute, I didn’t even recognize him. But on second glance, those 24-inch pythons gave him away,” said Jerry Miller, who was shopping in the Los Angeles City Mall. “Hogan was wearing blackface! I am a longtime fan, but even I was too embarrassed to walk over and ask for a picture.”

According to Hogan, he decided to paint his face fully black just to prove that he’s “not a racist.”

“You see brother, I may have said some racist things, brother. But that was years ago, brother, and I tell you, brother, I am definitely not a racist, brother,” said Hogan to a fan who was bold enough to ask about the blackface. “The thing is brother, I painted my face so that all the little Hulkamaniacs out there could see that the real Hogan isn’t a racist, brother. Sometimes, brother, you just say a racist-sounding thing, brother, but that doesn’t mean that what’s in your heart, brother, is really wrong, brother.”

Hogan has reportedly also tried to clear his image in other ways. He recently appeared on morning television, sans blackface, asking for forgiveness from the American public.

“I’m also gonna try, brother, hanging around with some more brothers, brother,” said Hogan. “I feel like the only way to really get forgiveness, brother, is if all the brothers out there can forgive me, brother. I just want everyone to know that I am still a real American, brother. I’ll fight for the rights of every man, brother. I’ll fight for what’s right, brother. Fight for your lives, brother. Brother.”

The WWE, the company that made Hogan a household name in the 80s, has all but erased his name from their website, including removing him from their Hall of Fame listings, after it was discovered recently that Hogan made racially insensitive comments several years ago.

Obama’s Secret Plans To Give All African-Americans A $10,000 Check Revealed!

obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Good news if you have some African roots in your family, as you will be receiving a nice check in the mail sometime before President Obama leaves office.  Obama has secretly pushed through a new bill that will pay each African-American 18 years or older a check for $10,000. Sources say that Obama decided to do this as a way to give back to his people, and also give them a boost finically towards making their lives better.

While the money can be used for whatever the person chooses, Obama is recommending that the money be used towards paying off debt or investing in education.

“I love my American people, and I wish that I could do this for every citizen, but the fact is – I don’t have the budget to do that. The African-American people helped me get into office, and before I leave I want to make sure that I show appreciation for all my niggas out there,” said President Obama. “White people generally have enough money anyway, and the black man has been held down for years. It’s time that they got theirs.”

The Republican-controlled caused an uproar over Obama’s words and new bill, but after the President gave his argument of how this can boost the economy, they jumped on board.

“Sure, taxpayers will be footing the bill, but you have to understand the influx in the economy this will have,” said Obama. “There will be new TVs, cars, gold chains, and fried chicken flying out of the doors of every retail store that sells them. This influx in the spending of African-Americans will be great, and it will help everyone.”

Obama wants to make it clear that this has nothing to do with race or “playing favorites,” but he claims that the numbers speak for themselves, and that black people are the ones that truly need a helping hand.

 

New Dating Website ‘WhitePeopleMeet.Com’ Causing Controversy After Launch Last Week

New Dating Website 'WhitePeopleMeet.Com' Causing Controversy After Launch Last Week

SILICON VALLEY, California – 

A new Silicon Valley start-up is already making waves after a soft launch of their website was completed last week. The new website, whitepeoplemeet.com, is a dating website based around only people who are 100% Caucasian, and automatically filters out anyone who isn’t white based on choices made during account setup, and also using face-matching software when a user uploads their images.

“If our system sees a black face is uploaded by a user, that account will automatically be locked until as such time the user can prove that they are white, or it will be deleted completely if they are, in fact, found to be of another ethnicity,” said site creator and designer, Jeb Michaels. “We want this website to be designed and aimed specifically at the white crowd. It’s not about being racist, it’s just about white people wanting to find other white people to date and sleep with.”

Michaels says that for people who are fussing over his website, they are not understanding the true point of what he is trying to accomplish.

“There are plenty of black-oriented things out there. They’ve got their BET Network. They’ve got BlackPeopleMeet.com – there’s no law that says I can’t do the same things, and focus on the beauty, culture, and heritage of the white person,” said Michaels. “We already have a very strong userbase built up, made up of white folks who want to date other white folks. It’s definitely not odd to be attracted only to someone of the same skin color as you.”

“Personally, I think it’s extremely racist,” said Paul Jemarcus, 28, an African-American from Queens, New York. “It’s not that I want to be on some white-bread dating website or something, but to be fair, I really like those big white-girl asses, and you can’t find a lot of those on blackpeoplemeet.com. Guess it’s just sticking with Tinder for now. I hope this new website get shut down.”

So far, Michaels says that they have signed up more than 25,000 people for their service, and have received only 18,000 hate emails and death threats.

KFC Protested After Patrons Begin Finding Watermelon, Grape Drink on Menus

KFC Protested After Patrons Begin Finding Watermelon, Grape Drink on Menus

LEXINGTON, Kentucky – 

Restaurant chain Kentucky Fried Chicken is stirring the pot in the southern states this week, after several patrons noticed that many of their local franchises had added watermelon slices, grape drink, and corn bread to their menus.

“It was an outrage,” said frequent KFC customer John Limon. “Watermelon? Grape drink? Clearly this restaurant has no idea how to cater to its white customer base, and I for one, will never come here again until they remove these items from their menu.”

Company spokesman Shirley Gordon says that they were trying out new things on their menus, but that they were trying to reach a new audience, not alienate their current customers.

“We have been selling to mostly white families for decades, and we felt it was time to stretch out a bit, and possibly reach some African-American households,” said Gordon. “We already had fried chicken on our menus, of course, but that wasn’t bringing them in. We assumed it was because we were missing the proper sides and beverages. We now have that.”

“It’s too bad that all them white folks are making such a fuss about this watermelon deal,” said Patrick Lamar. “I don’t know why. They don’t have to get the damn watermelon. I love watermelon, and until KFC put it on their menu, I had no interest in going. I hope they don’t cave to the demand of the white guys, like companies always seem to do.”

KFC says that at this time the items are in “test markets” only, and they have not made a final decision about fully rolling it out to all locations. KFC is part of the YUM! brand of restaurants, which also owns Taco Bell and Long John Silver.

Disney To Finally Release Racist Classic Movie ‘Song of the South’ In U.S.

Disney To Finally Release Racist Classic Movie 'Song of the South' In U.S.

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Disney has announced that they are going to release classic movie Song of the South on home video for the first time in the U.S. Release of VHS copies of the film was put on hold indefinitely in the fifties, amid controversy of the blatantly racist depiction of African Americans in what was Disney’s first live-action release. The mass media corporation has decided, however, that the current era presents the perfect climate for the release of the beloved classic.

“I think we’re finally at a point where we can all sit back and laugh at the parochialism demonstrated by the old film directors,” said Disney executive Peter Rhynoldt. “I’m pretty sure that today’s black Americans can take the sentiment from whence it came, and realize that the offense caused back then no longer applies to them.”

Race groups have slammed the Disney Company, saying that, on the contrary, Song of the South will add fuel to the flames of already flared up racial tension.

“What’s going on, not only in Ferguson but also in the so-called ‘liberal’ cities of the U.S. is a perpetuation of white privilege and constantly renewed suspicion of African Americans,” said Donald Jackson, head of the Racial Equality Engineers. “Song of the South presents such outdated, racist tropes about the inferiority of the black man, which could have an influence on this generation’s youth.”

Democratic Senator, Richard Fein, agreed with Jackson.

“It’s anachronistic,” he told media. “I find it pretty absurd that anyone could think this was appropriate. The reality is, whoever is making this decision is just stupid.”

Rhynoldt has so far refused to back down, saying that they’re going through with this “come hell or high water.”

“It’s not nearly as bad as they say it is. There’s that sweet old guy, and the cool zippidy-do-da song. Besides, didn’t Kanye West say that racism no longer exists? This film serves as nothing more than historical documentation.”

Oscar Ceremony To Add ‘Best Black Actor’ Category; NAACP Calls Academy ‘Racist, Old White Folks’

Oscar Ceremony To Add ‘Best Black Actor’ Category; NAACP Calls Academy 'Racist, Old White Folks'

 

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The February 22nd Academy Awards will have a new category this year, announced very late in the awards season. The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has given into pressure from Hollywood insider groups, and will be adding a ‘Best Black Actor’ awards.  

“This years nominees for Best Black Actor are going to be Ice Cube for Ride Along, Tyler Perry for The Single Mom’s Club, Marlon Wayons for A Haunted House 2 and Jamie Foxx for Annie,” said Academy Chairman Adam Horowitz. ”None of these movies deserve any awards in the slightest, but the Academy does not want to be viewed as ‘racist’ by only nominating white movies and white actors. We’d rather give away an award to someone undeserving that risk riots and looting from any angry blacks watching.”

“I personally picked the nominees, those guys crack me up,” said Reverend Al Sharpton. “This year, they only had time to add in the one award last minute. The good news is, next year there will be 25 additional Black awards, bringing the ceremony to an approximate 6 hours. I feel it’s important to have separate categories, because if everyone was treated equally all the time, I wouldn’t have a job.”

“Aren’t we all just people, can’t we be judge equally?” asked film critic Carmine Classi. ”So there weren’t any great black actors or black movies this year – it happens. With this bullshit happening, I think it’s clear the only racism left in America is the racism Al Sharpton creates.”

“The Academy have always just been racist, old white folks,” said NAACP member Jeremiah Rogers. “Al Sharpton thinks that he’s adding something to the ceremony, but really, he’s segregating it. To be honest, most African-Americans want nothing to do with Al Friggin’ Sharpton. And we sure as hell want nothing to do with winning a ‘black award.'”

 

Obama Mandates Muslim Sensitivity Training Starting In Elementary School

Obama Mandates Muslim Sensitivity Training Starting In Elementary School


WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Schools that want to keep their federal funding will now have to teach Muslim sensitivity, according to reports from the White House. The mandate, signed by President Obama on Thursday afternoon, calls for all students starting at the elementary level to take classes on the importance of being sensitive towards Muslims. Critics claim that this is another wasteful program, and another extreme example of Obama’s overreach.

“The time has come for Americans to be more sensitive to the Muslim religion,” President Obama said to reporters in a speech from the White House. ”With sensitivity training starting in elementary schools, we are guaranteeing a more sensitive generation. The Muslim religion is not like other religions, and the Muslim people are extremely sensitive whenever someone jokes, mocks, or even misunderstands their religion. We want all children to know that it’s okay to make fun of Jews and Catholics, because they know how to take a joke. Muslims can’t take a joke, as they don’t know joy or humor. So it’s important for us to change as Americans in order to make the Muslims happy.”

“Why should we change? Why don’t them damn Muslims take an improv class or something, and learn how to take a joke?” said Senator Ted Cruz after the announcement by Obama. ”We’re Americans, and this country is at its greatest when we’re being politically incorrect and taking jabs at people who are different. I remember even Bugs Bunny got to call Japanese people slants and gooks in the cartoons of my era. Damn, those were the good old days. When I’m President I promise to offend everybody, every day, the way it should be – the way it used to be!”

Televangelist T.D. Jakes Wants ‘Peppa Pig’ Cartoon Taken Off Air, Claims Show Contains Racist Subliminal Messages

DALLAS, Texas – Televangelist T.D. Jakes Wants 'Peppa Pig' Cartoon Taken Off Air, Claims Show Contains Racist Subliminal Messages

Superstar television evangelist T.D. Jakes is in the news this morning, after ranting about a popular children’s cartoon during a radio interview on WGOD AM,  a non-profit, non-denominational based radio program which airs throughout the state of Texas.

Jakes, who is Bishop of The Potter’s House, the famous mega-church located in Dallas, claims that the animated children’s program Peppa Pig contains several unethical subconscious messages, most notably of sexual and racist content.

“We live together in a loving world, and sometimes that gets taken advantage of in an evil manner,” Jakes said. “Recently it was brought to my attention by a nice young lady in our congregation that while watching the cartoon program Peppa Pig, she noticed several suspicious, and very adult, references. When I sat down with her to watch an episode, I was overwhelmingly appalled to learn that her suspicions were, in fact, reality.”

The 57-year-old Man of God went on to explain that the characters featured on Peppa Pig highly resembled penises, and that characters were often gallivanting and making racist comments.

“They snort and laugh at the other animals, making fun of anyone who is not a pig. Plus, all the pig faces are drawn to look like penises and testicles. In the episode I watched, they told the rabbit and the turtle to ‘sit in the back of the bus’ as they snorted and giggled,” Jakes said. “It’s really inappropriate for young children. They even make reference to ‘muddy puddles,’ which is definitely a slang for African-Americans if I’ve ever heard one. Despicable!”

This is not the first time Peppa Pig has been called out for being racist. Members of the Muslim communities in the United Kingdom, where the show is recorded and produced, signed a petition in recent months claiming the show was clearly anti-Muslim and promoted the gross consumption of pork.

Empire News attempted to contact Jakes to no avail, but Nickelodeon officials did return an email saying there was absolutely no truth behind the claims of racism or sexual innuendo, and that the popular children’s program would continue to be aired in heavy rotation.

Peppa Pig, as most parents of toddlers are no doubt aware, currently airs at least 167 times daily, on networks such as Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. in the United States, and several others internationally.

 

 

 

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