Young Boy Obsessed With Kardashians Has Lip Injections To Look Like His Heroes

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

A 9-year-old boy who is obsessed with the Kardashian family has undergone surgery to have injections placed in his lips so he can more resemble the family who he calls his “heroes.”

“The Kardashians are so pretty, and they’re so liked and they’re on TV,” said Jimmy Moyer, 9. “I love them. I like to watch them get into fights and do silly things. But mostly, I love how pretty their faces are, and their lips. They’re so big!”

Jimmy’s mother, Marie, 30, says that he has been bugging her to get lip injections ever since he saw an ad on TV for plastic surgery.

“He’d run up to me at 6 or 7 years old, yelling ‘Mommy, I want Kardy lips! I want Kardy lips!’ That’s what he said before he could say Kardashian,” said Marie. “He’s been itching for big, blowjob-style lips for years. Finally, I relented.”

It was reportedly a difficult task to find a plastic surgeon willing to inject a child’s lips with collagen, so Marie resorted to a Mexican surgeon who she says “barely spoke a word of English, but was very grateful to take American money.”

Now, she says, Jimmy is happier than he’s ever been.

“Oh man, I love my big lips. All my friends at school think I’m so cool. Everyone wants to kiss me,” said Jimmy. “I let them. For twenty-five cents, I will let anyone kiss me, boys or girls!”

“He’s definitely on the right track to becoming a Kardashian,” said Marie.

New Hampshire Town Begins Providing Wooden Stakes To Residents In Case of Vampire Apocalypse

Posted on November 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ALBANY, New Hampshire –

A small town in New Hampshire has begun leaving sharpened, wooden stakes around the area in case of a vampire outbreak. The stakes are strapped to utility poles or taped to buildings, as town officials say that it is better to be safe, than sorry.

“A vampire outbreak could happen at any time, and without warning,” said Albany town commissioner Thomas Jones. “While other cities, and even the CDC, may be planning for possible outbreak, we want to have all of our bases covered. Providing sharpened wooden stakes to our citizens is the least we can do, and at a very low cost to the town.”

Jones said that they have, so far, placed over 300 wooden stakes, and at a total cost of only $89 dollars.

“We worked closely with a local furniture builder, who shaped discarded wood for us,” said Jones. “The only cost necessary was the straps used to hold them in place, and the little signs that we printed to provide explanation.”

Jones said that the town has taken “very warmly” to the idea of constant protection, and that it is a much better idea than having people carry around their own weapons.

“I like to think of it in this way,” said Albany resident Valerie Bruce. “I can’t shoot to save my life. I don’t know anyone that can. But I sure as hell can stab away, and if it comes down to it, I’d rather run to a wooden stake and stab a vampire than try to shoot it. More guns cause more problems in the long run. Besides, bullets don’t kill vampires.”

Jones says they will continue to place wooden stakes around town until they feel they are “fully secured,” and then will move on to placing crucifixes and garlic.

Airline Employee Who Fell Asleep In Turbine Carried Outside Plane From LA to NY

Posted on November 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

A Delta airlines baggage handler reportedly fell asleep inside the turbine of an airplane that he was loading, headed from Los Angeles’ LAX airport to New York City. He somehow managed to survive the 9-hour, non-stop flight without falling out or suffering any injury.

“I was so exhausted after the damn holiday dinner my mother-in-law cooked,” said the employee, who asked not to be named. “I had to work the next morning at 2am, and when I got in, I barely remember loading up the first plane. By the time I was loading the second, I was exhausted, and I climbed up into the turbine, just to take a minute snooze. It was the only place I could think of that I wouldn’t be seen.”

The employee says that he climbed in there so he would not be caught sleeping on the job and fired, but the next thing he knew, he was in New York City, and was freezing cold.

“In LA, it was like 80 degrees outside,” said the employee. “When I woke up in New York, it was 10 degrees, and I’m laying in the turbine in shorts and a t-shirt. I was freezing. I hurried off as quickly as I could to get warm. I also saw that a picture of me inside the turbine from 40,000 feet was making its way around Instagram and Twitter.”

A representative for Delta said that the employee would not be fired, but would receive a 2-week suspension and re-training. They say they are just glad no one was injured.

You Can Now Pay A Company To Turn Feet Of Dead Relative Into Shoes

Posted on November 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

A new startup company in – where else? – Portland, Oregon, has designed a way to turn the feet of a dead relative into a pair of shoes.

“You may be asking yourself, ‘why the hell would I ever want this?’, but the answer is simple – you loved your family member, and these are their feet, so commemorate their life by wearing their soles,” said Dana Friendly, the owner and originator of Friendly Feet, LLC.

Friendly says that many companies have begun to use a departed love one’s body in fancy new ways, including having their ashes formed into diamonds and jewels, into records, or being potted into a tree to be planted. This is the first company, though, that uses pieces of a family member’s body to transform it into something else.

“We can take your dead family member’s feet, and turn them into an extremely stylish, custom pair of shoes,” said Friendly. “They have to be custom, because we have to stretch, or shrink, the skin of their feet to form-fit to your foot. Then we reenforce their dead skin with rubber and other shoe materials, and in the end, you get a gorgeous pair of shoes.”

Friendly says that as his business grows, he plans on using other body parts, including making gloves out of hands, and hats from the skin and hair on the top of a family member’s head.

Couple Get Stuck In Washing Machine During Kinky Sex Game

Posted on November 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIARVILLE, Texas –

A married couple – Jim 54, and Carol, 50, had to be rescued in their home after getting stuck inside the washer in their laundry room.

“It was sex night, and we wanted to spice things up,” said Jim. “Once a week, we still like to get down and get a little frisky. We’re old, but we’re not dead.”

Jim says he and Carol had, over the years, had sex ‘literally everywhere’ inside the house, and had, over the last few years, started having sex inside their appliances.

“Oh, it’s marvelous,” said Carol. “We’ve done it in the oven once. Inside the refrigerator. That was cold, but Jim also made it hot, if you know what I mean. This week we thought we’d try the washing machine. I wasn’t 100 percent sure we’d fit, but once Jim got in, there was enough room for me to squeeze down next to him.”

“Unfortunately, there was not enough room to fully maneuver in there, so it wasn’t really suited to having great sex,” said Jim. “When we tried to get out, though, we found we were stuck.”

The couple have nothing but laughs about their ordeal now, but say it was “really depressing” having to scream for help for over a day and a half before a neighbor heard them and called fire and rescue.

“Oh man, we definitely will not try doing that ever again,” said Jim. “But we’re still gonna keep having sex inside our appliances. Next week, we go dryer!”

Dumb Bitch Who Posts Picture Of Dog With Mouth Taped Shut Forced To Endure Same Punishment

Posted on November 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida –

Katie Brown, a stupid bitch who posted a picture of her dog with his mouth duct taped shut, along with the caption “This is what happens when you don’t shut up!!!” was arrested by police after the photo went viral, being shared on Facebook over a quarter of a million times, and prompting thousands of calls to local Daytona Beach police.

“We investigated, and despite her claims that she only taped the dog’s mouth for ’60 seconds’ or some such bullshit, we decided that we hated her, and that swift justice is the best justice,” said an anonymous policeman on the Daytona force. “So we snagged her up, hog-tied her, and wrapped a full roll of duct tape around her dumb, animal abusing, cunt mouth.”

Upon hearing that police had gotten involved, the internet immediately forgot how much they normally hate cops, and gave them much praise.

“I am so glad that our boys in blue took it upon themselves to treat this disgusting, haggard-looking bitch a lesson,” said Facebook user Jerome Myers. “There are certain things you don’t do in this world, and that’s hurt an animal. That poor dog deserves better, and I hope that any and all animals have been removed from that wrinkled twat’s home.”

Most people readily agree that any and all punishment that Katie Brown receives will be, frankly, not enough.

Planned Parenthood Facilities To Allow Staff To Carry Concealed Weapons After Latest Attack

Posted on November 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After the latest attack on a Planned Parenthood facility, the group’s spokesman has announced that they plan to allow employees and contractors to carry concealed weapons while they are working.

“Too many people are being gunned down at Planned Parenthood facilities, and it’s mostly because crazy white folks are shooting at us too damn often,” said Lashonda Jackson, spokesman for Planned Parenthood. “The funny thing is, they think we’re just about doing abortions or something. We’re literally called Planned Parenthood. What we do is in our damn name, for crying out loud. We’re not called Baby Abortions ‘R’ Us. Stop getting mad at us, white folks.”

The latest shooter, who has been arrested by police, is white, although not a Republican, as most people naturally assumed.

“If I would have had to have taken a guess, I’d have said Republican for sure,” said Jackson. “A democrat or an independent normally isn’t crazy and stupid enough to just shoot pregnant women. Mostly because common sense would tell you that a pregnant woman’s baby can’t exactly live without said pregnant woman, so you’re kind of a moron and a hypocrite if you shoot up a planned parenthood facility. Morons filled with hypocrisy is the creed of the Republican party.”

Jackson says that because of all the shootings, employees will now be allowed to carry concealed weapons. Patrons are also encourage to carry.

“If you come into one of our facilities with plans to attack, we want to be prepared, and we want to show you exactly how prepared we are,” said Jackson. “The next crazy, white, Republican lunatic will think twice before shooting up a Planned Parenthood.”

30-Year-Old Man With Perpetual Baby Face Is Father To Newborn Son With Creepy, Adult Man Face

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Frankie Clemons, 30, has a rare condition that makes his face appear to be an infant’s. It’s something that he has learned to deal with over the course of his life, answering many questions about it along the way, as he gets stares and gawks while walking down the street.

The stares may begin to double, though, as Clemons’ newborn son, Joey, has the exact opposite problem.

“Joey was born with a similar condition to mine, in that his face is that of a full-grown, adult man,” said Clemons. “My issue is that my face looks like it did when I was a baby, and it never changed. I’m used to it, but I was really hoping that it would not be passed to my son. My wife is a ‘normal,’ so I was really anticipating Joey being normal as well.”

Doctors say they are baffled as to why Frankie and his son both have such a rare, untreatable condition.

“They’ve never been able to figure out, exactly, what is wrong with me, so I assume that they’ll have the same issues with Joey,” said Clemons. “I’ve considered plastic surgery, but honestly, the doctors have told me straight-out they’d have no idea where to begin. I’m happy, though. I’ve got a great wife, and a new son, and we’re doing fine. We’re healthy, it’s just how we look. Frankly, there are lot more ugly looking people out there than us. So I’m a babyface, what’s the big deal?”

Snake Massages Become Weird New Trend Among Hollywood Celebrities

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hollywood has always been one of the trendiest places in the world. A place where celebrities of all stature can grab onto any little thing that they enjoy and make it into a worldwide phenomenon. A new trend among Hollywood A-listers is spreading quickly throughout much of the West Coast: snake massages.

“Oh my God, it’s the greatest feeling in the world,” said Cheryl Jones, who claims to be 25. “I saw that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lawrence both love getting snake massages, so I had to try it, too. It’s amazing!”

Snake massage, unlike regular massage, requires no one’s hands to be all over you, making any sort of inappropriate touching or uncomfortable settings a thing of the past.

“I one time was finger-banged by a giant lesbian masseuse,” said Mary Lambert, 36. “I only went back another 4 or 5 times after that. It was just too awkward. Snake massage is so much more relaxing. They just slither all over your body and they shed their skin over you. It’s great for your pores, too. I love it. It’s also way less awkward when they slither between your legs than when Joanne The Bulldyke does it.”

Celebrities including Jolie, Lawrence, Chris Pratt, and Andy Dick are said to be “huge fans” of snake massage.

Woman Arrested After Burning Down Her Own House In Attempt To Meet ‘Sexy Firemen’

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A Boise woman, Doris Murphy, 48, was arrested late Friday evening for arson after she allegedly burned down her own home in an attempt to meet ‘sexy firemen.’

“I just wanted to get me a little some, and I am damn sick of the same old haggard bastards who sit down at the bar,” said Murphy. “I seen me a bunch of sexy firemen in calendars, and I figure there had to be at least one or two who worked here in Boise. I didn’t think the house was going to go up that fast.”

According to Murphy, she just planned on setting a “small fire” so that she could call 911 and have local fire & rescue show up.

“I put a can of gasoline in the bathtub, and I torched it. Figured it was in the tub, it would be easy to just turn the shower on myself to stop it if I needed to,” said Murphy. “Turns out, that doesn’t work so good.”

Murphy’s home was completely destroyed in the blaze, and Murphy herself is facing up to 5 years in prison for the stunt.

“Most annoying thing is that there weren’t no good looking guys that came to put out the fire,” said Murphy. “It was just a couple of the same old guys who are always at the bar, and a beefy lesbian. Hell, there weren’t even no Dalmatian dog that came like in the TV shows.”