Woman Who Was Arrested For Masturbating With Sausage Dies In Prison

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLARKSVILLE, Louisiana –

Last week, shopper Shaniqua Johnson was arrested for allegedly masturbating with a Jimmy Dean sausage inside of a Wal-Mart Super Center in Louisiana. The incident, which was reportedly caught on camera, prompted the arrest of Johnson, who was being held after it was found she was unable to make bail.

“Ms. Johnson, who was arrested for lewd acts and shoplifting late last week at a Wal-Mart location, was found dead this morning in her cell,” said Police Chief Richard Brown. “In an ironic turn of events, it appears that Ms. Johnson choked on a sausage that was part of her state-provided breakfast meal. The coroner will release his full findings after an autopsy.”

“It’s a shame, really. If she had just paid for those sausages before masturbating with them in the first place, she never would have been in jail,” said Wal-Mart store manager Ross Mitchell. “I almost feel somehow responsible for this, like maybe I shouldn’t have called the cops. I mean, it was just a $5 package of sausage. I could have written it off.”

Johnson, who would have been facing 3 years in prison for her crimes, will be buried in the state cemetery, as no living relatives could be located.

Japanese Scientist Says He Has Invented Time Travel

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Hisetto Toy, a Japanese scientist who has been studying time and space travel for over 40 years, says he has finally discovered a way to travel through time. In a translated story released in the New York Daily Post, Toy says that he was able to successfully travel back in time 5 minutes.

“I desperately wanted to have my time machine done by October 21st, 2015, the day that Marty McFly goes to the future in the Back to the Future films, as it is a favorite of mine,” said Toy. “Alas, I missed it by just a few days. Nevertheless, I have successfully completed a travel through time, and am ready to share my findings with the world.”

Toy says that his device, unlike the DeLorean in Back to the Future, is stationary. In fact, it is basically just a small watch-like item that can be worn on the wrist, and enables you to input a time you would like to visit.

“At this point, we can only make it work by going backwards in time, and we think that’s because that is time that has already happened, whereas future events have not begun,” said Toy. “The furthest we have travelled is 5 minutes, just as a test, but our research indicates there would be nothing stopping you from going back as far as you’d like.”

Toys full research will be published in the Tokyo Journal of Science next month.

Marlboro To Release Marijuana Cigarette Packs In Colorado, Washington D.C.

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

Finally catching up to the fake images that have been floating around the internet for years, Philip-Morris, the makers of Marlboro cigarettes, have announced that they are actually releasing packs of marijuana cigarettes in markets where the drug has been legalized for recreational use.

“We have been watching the sales of marijuana in Colorado for over a year now, and the numbers are staggering,” said Philip-Morris spokesman Jim Bean. “We know that there have been fake pictures of a Marlboro marijuana cigarette that have been floating around online for years, and we can honestly say that now, the debunking can stop. We’re getting in on this, and we’re going to get in huge.”

Philip-Morris reportedly obtained the necessary permits from the U.S. Government, and plan to start manufacturing the cigarettes as early as December.

“We know that pot heads love their weed, and we know that they like to buy in bulk, and that’s why we’re making this convenient and easy and putting them in packs, just like our regular cigarettes,” said Bean. “The great thing is, we have been looking for a way to make a ‘safer’ cigarette for years, and we’ve lied many times about the harmful effects of cigarettes. But now, we can finally say that we’ve got a safer alternative to smoking cigarettes – Marlboro Marijuana cigarettes!”

Burger King Announces Thanksgiving Whopper Coming In November

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

Burger King has announced this morning that, thanks in large part to the incredible response to their ‘Halloween Whopper,’ they would be releasing a follow-up speciality burger in the form of their new Thanksgiving Whopper.

The burger, which is said to be the traditional burger, but featuring toppings including turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and french fried onions, is set to go on sale in select markets next week, and will officially launch November 10th.

“We are really, really excited for people to try this new Thanksgiving Whopper,” said Burger King CEO Chris Murphy. “The Halloween Whopper was a hauntingly good idea, and it was a smashing success. We hope that the Thanksgiving Whopper gains equal traction and that consumers love it.”

Murphy says that if the burger does well, they may consider continuing with specialty burgers each holiday, including a Christmas Whopper, a New Year’s Eve Whopper, and a Civil Rights Day Whopper, among others.

There is currently no word on what color your poop will be after eating the Thanksgiving Whopper.

Lamar Odom Credits ‘Hookers, Cocaine’ For Saving His Marriage

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Lamar Odom, former LA Lakers basketball player, was rushed to a Los Vegas hospital last week after collapsing at one of Vegas’ many famous whorehouses. Reportedly spending almost $100,000 at the brother over several days, Odom collapsed after what doctors say was “too much cocaine” and “too many blowjobs.”

The silver lining for Odom, though, is that estranged wife, Khloe Kardashian, immediately rushed to his hospital bedside. According to anonymous sources at the hospital, she has yet to leave his side.

“Khloe has been sitting right there by Lamar’s bedside, and was patiently waiting for him to wake up,” said a nurse who asked not to be named. “The minute his eyes opened, she started crying, and said she’d never leave him.”

Despite Odom still having a long way to go to full recovery, including surgery to repair his kidneys, which are currently non-functioning, as well as lung issues, he reportedly credits “hookers and blow” for saving his marriage.

“If I wasn’t out there, snorting huge lines of crank of some hooker’s fat dumper, I would have never landed in the hospital, and Khloe and I might have never spoken again,” said Odom. “I am so glad that she is here by my side. Hookers and blow saved my motherfucking marriage!”

Actor From State Farm Insurance Commercials Killed By Wife Over Alleged Infidelity

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Justin Campbell, the actor who played the husband in the infamous “Jake From State Farm/State of Unrest” State Farm commercials, has reportedly been murdered in his home in Los Angeles. The alleged assailant, Campbell’s wife, Mary, has been taken into police custody.

“Justin was an amazing guy, and he was hilarious,” said an anonymous friend. “I’ve known him nearly 20 years. I don’t know why Mary would do such a thing. She is a sweet lady. I can’t imagine what happened in that house last night.”

“I used to catch him up all the time, talking on the phone in the middle of the night,” said Mary while being questioned by police. “He told me he was just talking to his agents, or working to get new roles. But I knew that it wasn’t the case. He was up talking to other women on the phone. That commercial he was in, that was true to life! It happened! I know it did! Typecasting! Typecasting!”

Campbell, who is best known for playing a husband taking advantage of State Farm Insurance Company’s 24-hour customer service hotline, but is accused by a nagging wife of talking to a phone sex operator, was also known for small roles in Hollywood films such as The Hurt Locker and The Naked Brothers Band: The Movie.

Reps for Campbell could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the family say that Campbell requested that he be buried in anything other than khakis.

California Lawmakers Do Away With Speeding Tickets, Traffic Violations

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

Some new laws in California will make driving a lot less complicated for motorists, and will give police a needed break from excessive ticket writing.

According to reports, lawmakers in the state have decided to abolish speeding tickets, allowing travelers to drive on highways at whatever speed they feel comfortable, which will allow police to spend less time creating speed traps on highways, and more time working on and solving real crimes.

“Aside from speeding tickets, we have also moved away from parking violations, including metered parking, occupying a handicapped space without a permit, and so forth,” said Joe Goldsmith, a California state legislature member. “This will free up our police force to work on more pressing crimes, such as rape, homicide, and murder.”

Police say that they are “thrilled” that they will no longer have to worry about ticketing speeding motorists.

“Every time you pull a car over for speeding, you’re risking your life,” said police chief Jerry Hyman. “You don’t know if that drive has a gun, is a wanted felon – he could kill you at any time. Thankfully, no more pulling people over means no more risking my life unnecessarily. Those drivers who speed out of control will take care of the problem themselves – by dying in a fiery wreck.”

The laws go into effect December 1st.

EPA Warns Toilet Paper Is Becoming ‘Extremely Harmful’ To Environment

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

The Environmental Protection Agency is warning of a new issue threatening the global eco-system, claiming that toilet paper has become one of their top ‘harmful’ items.

“Toilet paper is becoming a serious threat to environmental safety,” said EPA spokesman Carl Roy. “Over the year, the toilet paper flushed by millions of Americans every day has backed up into our oceans and streams. Rivers everywhere are filling with used toilet paper, and it’s becoming something of an epidemic. Coupled that with the increase in use of ‘scented’ toilet paper, which contains harmful chemicals, and we’re in for a bleak future.”

Roy says that those interested in helping to reduce toilet paper waste can revert back to methods used in the “old days,” including washing and re-using rags for wiping, or, in harsher cases, corn cobs or wool fillings.

“At the turn of the century, it was not uncommon for people to use whatever they had to wipe and cleanse themselves,” said Roy. “Corn cobs were a particularly popular item, as after you have eaten the corn, the remaining cob is wet and soft – perfect for wiping one’s buttocks to remove feces.”

Roy says that if Americans don’t change their wiping habits, the next several years will see a drastic increase in polluted water.

Using Fake Spiders In Your Halloween Decorations? Leave Them Up All Year To Scare Off Real Spiders

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A researcher at Cambridge College in Boston, Massachusetts, says that strategically placing fake rubber or plastic spiders around your home can effectively ward off the real thing.

Jim Carver, a research scientist at Cambridge, says that the reason that real spiders are scared of the fake spiders is unclear, but that tests have shown it works 100% of the time to rid areas of the actual, creepy arachnids.

“Spiders don’t like other spiders, that’s a pretty well known fact,” said Carver. “We figure that since spiders are not very smart, they don’t realize that the fake spiders are, in fact, fake. So they see them, and they get all upset about another spider being around, and they just leave. That’s our best guess, anyway.”

Carver suggests picking up fake spiders during the Halloween season when they are easy to come by, and placing them in areas around your home, but leaving them year-round.

“Put them in places like under your toilet, under sinks, on window frames, etcetera,” said Carver. “When a real spider comes along, he will be tricked by the fake spider, and he will leave, keeping your home free of arachnids.”

You’re welcome, arachnophobes.

Dehydrated Human Finger Found In Bag Of Jerky

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

A Texas man says that while eating a bag of Johnny Frank’s Jerky yesterday, he got more than he bargained for when he bit into what he says is a dehydrated human finger.

“It was pretty damn nasty, not gonna lie for a minute,” said Texas rancher Billy Bob Jones. “I didn’t notice how it looked at first, but damnit, when I bit into that finger, I knew something wasn’t right. Someone at the Johnny Frank’s is gonna pay.”

“We at JF’s Jerky pride ourselves on delivering a reputable, delicious product, and it would be very difficult, based on the way we manufacture our jerky, for a human finger to end up inside a bag,” said Johnny Frank spokesman Carl Lewis. “We are taking Mr. Jones’ statements very seriously, and are beginning an investigation into the matter.”

In the meantime, Lewis says that they will be offering Jones a replacement bag of jerky at no cost.