Ferguson Police Chief Denies Charges Of Racism, Claims ‘White Criminals Don’t Exist’

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Ever since the police shooting of Michael Brown in 2014, Ferguson, Missouri has become the site of heightened racial tensions and brought issues of color and privilege back into the spotlight. But the mostly white police force responsible for the death of the 18-year-old deny that they are racists, or that they have even subtle biases or prejudices. Rather, their explanation for the disproportionate amount of African-Americans being routinely stopped and held under suspicion, is that white criminals simply don’t exist.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said police chief Thomas Jackson. “Of course the force is mostly white. Of course we stop and search only African-Americans. And when an unarmed teen is shot by one of our officers, there’s no chance he’s gonna be white. But that’s not based on prejudice. Why would we search white Americans when we know that they’re not responsible for any crimes?”

Reporters asked Jackson how he could be sure white people weren’t responsible for crimes if they were never investigated.

“Why would we investigate them? That’s exactly what I’m asking! Since we know they don’t do bad things, there’s no reason to do so. It would just inconvenience innocent upstanding citizens.”

Reporters brought high profile examples of white convicts, such as James Holmes, who infamously shot and killed 13 moviegoers in an Aurora, Colorado cinema.

“But of course!” Jackson responded. “Movies aren’t real obviously. They’re there to show us things that we’d never see in real life – that’s why we go watch them. A white shooter in a cinema? Those definitely abound, but only because it never happens in real America.”

At press time, journalists and activists had given up on the police chief, stating that it’s pointless talking racism with someone who believes everything he thinks is true.

New Research Shows Girls Better at School, Boys Better at Copying Girls’ Work

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNITED STATES –

Feminists will be pleased, but teachers unsurprised, by findings in a recent study which show that girls are simply “better at school” than boys. On the other side of the coin, boys are reportedly “better at copying girls’ work” than girls, somewhat evening out ultimate scores. The research was funded by the Education Matters foundation, in hopes that the age old debate could finally be settled and we can start worrying about real issues, such as bullying and falling standards.

“We always knew we were better than boys,” said girls, collectively. “Now that there’s empirical evidence, no one can knock us off our perch. Girls rule.”

Boys, however, had a different spin on the findings.

“This doesn’t show that girls are better than us,” said the entire boys population. “It just shows they’re bigger suckers. We know we can just copy, so why would we do the work? Letting them do it for us, and taking advantage of their insufferable conscientiousness, is by far the smarter thing to do.”

Hedley Turner, who headed up the massive study, says that the results may be more deceptive than they seem.

“What the data shows is simply that girls are better at school. This could be for a number of reasons. It could be because the teachers treat them better. It could be because their parents expect more of them. And it could be because they need to take something positive out of the malicious environment that is our school system.”

The data is reportedly set to be forgotten for the most part, but brought up in arguments between the sexes for decades to come.

Huffington Post Admits Headlines are ‘Sometimes Over-the-Top’

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Online news source, Huffington Post, has finally conceded that its headlines are sometimes a little “over-the-top.” The news aggregator, known for click-baiting, exaggerated links which often border on the absurd, have had some of the more sensationalized headlines on the web, including “Jennifer Lawrence Overdoses On The Bronzer,’ ‘Hillary Clinton Accused of Facelift,’ and ‘Crop Circles Created By Wallabies ‘Stoned’ On Opium’

“We sometimes overdo it,” said founder, Arianna Huffington. “It’s all for a good cause though. We want people to read the news. And if we simply wrote, ‘Poisoned Wallabies Leave Marks on Ground’, who on earth would read it? It doesn’t undermine the accuracy of our sources. No, it just makes the goings on in the world more relevant.”

The Huffington Post has come under fire in the past for their dramatized headlines by satirists such as John Oliver. Oliver ‘literally destroyed a pinata’ in 2014, in response to the Post’s constant assurance that he’d ‘destroyed’, ‘decimated’ or ‘hung from a lightbulb in the basement’ various politicians around the world.

“I have great respect for Miss Huffington and her service,” he told viewers. “But she sometimes makes me sound like a bulldozer, when in reality I’m a television personality. I don’t want any more people making that mistake.”

Others, such as comedian Eddie Murphy and writer Jane Austen, have simply stated that SEO-based news is literally destroying what we once called honest media.

“They’re tearing the world of journalism to pieces!” they lamented together. “Whatever shall we do?”

Sources at the Huffington Post, however, indicated that we should not look forward to a change in style. Apparently, “the click-baiting is working. Why would we stop? If anything, results demand more of the same. It’s a new era in journalism – one where satire is less exaggerated than real news.”

Empire News had no comment on their own headlines, except to say “Hey, but we’re not real news.”

’50 Shades Of Grey’ Clubs Become Popular Among Experimental Teens

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a trend sweeping America, teenagers are reportedly starting and joining ‘50 Shades of Grey’ clubs, en masse. The movement began in response to the box office success of the first movie of the franchise. However, it is being suggested that most of these youths have not read the books or seen the film.

“I haven’t seen the movie,” said Tuck Harrington, 16. “What I heard about it is pretty cool, and I want to do that with my friends. That’s why I started my high school’s ’50 Shades’ club. We all want a little teen bondage. It helps stop bullying.”

We asked Tuck to take us through some of the activities he and his group perform together.

“Well, we started off making friendship bracelets. That’s obviously the easiest way for teens to bondage. We’ve progressed to song nights every Friday, and group trips to mansions to see how successful men like Christian Grey have bondaged to their great advantage.”

Catching up with other clubs, we found them to be doing much of the same. Some of their favorite bondage activities included friendly races, short vacations to the coast, as well as study sessions before exams.

“This is a system which is doing wonders for our kids,” said Colorado teacher Peter Josselewsky. “They’re working together to create stronger bondage between teens who would usually be fighting – whether in the conventional sense, or with more recent cyber bullying. With these new clubs, we’ve seen a drastic decrease in hostility, and guys who’d usually be outsiders are now part of the in-crowd.”

Tuck Harrington agreed with his sentiments.

“It’s true. There are some kids who would’ve been called ‘nerds’ or ‘losers’ who are much loved by the group. They’ve found a way to form bondages with others, and that’s something I’ve never seen in all my years of high school.”

When asked what his favorite part of the 50 Shades club was, he told us, “Oh, well – on Sunday nights, we all get naked, and half of us tie the other half to chairs or beds, and then we fuck them hard, with all sorts of sex toys and moves we learned online. Then we switch, and let them do the same things to us. I particularly like having a big, rubber fist shoved up my ass while I’m gagged with a pair of panties or a tight gag. It’s definitely the best part of the ’50 Shades’ club.”

Woman Claims She’s Pregnant With Pope’s Baby After Visit To Vatican City

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

A trip to the Vatican generally means returning with heightened spiritual awareness, having had an awakening at one of the world centers of religion. One Californian woman got a little more than she bargained for. Christina Jean claims that, after a day trip to the holy city, she has returned pregnant with Pope Francis’ baby.

“The pope knocked me up,” the 32-year-old mother of five told Empire News. “Ol’ Francis is a charmer, and I won’t lie, I jumped at the opportunity to make sweet love to the head of the Catholic Church. Now I got Pope baby in my belly, and I can’t wait for my holy waters to burst.”

Vatican officials moved swiftly to deny Longman’s claims.

“This is a disgraceful attempt at defamation of Pope Francis,” said Vatican spokesman, Federico Lombardi. “The pope is celibate, as is well known, and although he is particularly charismatic, and he’d have a long line of ladies queuing up for the opportunity were he to break his vows, he is a truly upstanding leader, who would not lift a finger – or any limb – that compromised our holy institution.”

The pope himself went over and above his press office, organizing his own press conference to deal with the controversy.

“I know Christina well,” he told reporters. “She often comes to me with requests for blessings and prayers, and I have granted everything she has asked. A couple of months ago she asked for a blessing to become pregnant with a sixth child. I gave her the blessing – nothing more – which did indeed make her pregnant. That is where the misunderstanding came in. Chrissie Jean is not my lover. She’s just a girl who says that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.”

Jean, however, hit back at Pope Francis, saying that she felt “betrayed.”

“He said he’d look after me and our child, and now he denies everything. He said he’d leave his position for me. Francis dear, Why have you forsaken me?”

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Michelle Obama has made a name for herself as a particularly active and community-oriented first lady. Now the mastermind between the Healthy Eating Act is taking her public relations a step further. She has announced that she will be posing fully nude in an upcoming Playboy centerfold.

“Women’s issues are always at the top of my agenda,” she stated in an open letter to the public. “Something that has plagued modern day females is expectations of modesty and shame about how they look. While women such as Lena Dunham have done their bit to change the norms of girls being ashamed to show their ‘societally imperfect’ bodies, the First Lady appearing naked will make body pride all the more normal.”

President Obama has expressed his support and delight at his wife’s announcement.

“Michelle is a very sexy lady. She should have the privilege that any other woman has, to show the sides of herself that she chooses,” he told the press. “The First Lady has the right to bare arms. And legs. And thighs, and breasts.”

Conservative radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has used his platform to bemoan what he calls “proof that liberals are bringing on the Apocalypse.”

“First, they took over Hollywood and practically turned acting into nothing more than pornography,” he raged. “Now they are going way too far. The First Lady should be a role model, not a Playboy model. What about the children? Has she forgotten about the children?”

But not all conservatives feel the same way. Republican senator Mitch Mcconnell has voiced his approval at the groundbreaking news.

“I think it’s sweet,” he wrote on his blog, ‘Republican Matters’. “Michelle is a close friend of mine, and I’ve always thought she’d look good in the buff. If anything, it’s a travesty she’s kept her body from us this long. The First Lady belongs to the people, and the people have spoken. It is time to see Michelle Obama’s lady bits.”

Bill Cosby Brings Up Rape Allegations In Interview Because No One Was Talking About Him Anymore

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In 2014, Bill Cosby carried out what seemed to be one of the worst PR decisions in history. In the midst of rape allegations, his publicity team released a web app that gave users the capability to create memes of the iconic actor, with almost no effort. Of course, almost every meme centered on the charges of sexual misconduct. Over recent months, it’s become clear that the maneuver was not a mishap.

“Every interview we’ve had, he’s brought up the rape charges,” said Tonight Show host, Jimmy Fallon. “And there’ve been lots. I tried to draw him out on other topics, like the glory days of The Cosby Show, and Kids Say the Darndest Things. But all he wants to do is speak about all the women accusing him of heinous sex crimes. Clearly he sees that as his biggest publicity opportunity.”

Other TV personalities have confirmed Fallon’s assessment. The Late Show host, David Letterman, revealed that Cosby has been contacting his secretary, asking to be interviewed in response to the charges.

“He’s called six or seven times,” Fallon told us. “Every time it’s the same. He’s in the limelight again, because of these charges, and he thinks we should interview him. Initially, I agreed, but he said he was all booked up for the next few months. I told him I was retiring and he’d have to contact Stephen [Colbert], but he doesn’t seem to get it. He thinks I’m just going to wait for him, to deal with what he calls ‘sensational’ accusations.”

Cosby’s former publicist, Joan Tarshis, who herself has accused the comic of rape, says that bringing up dirt on himself is an old tactic of Cosby.

“He made me leak the story of his daughter’s drug addiction, just for the extra press. Seriously. That’s almost as low as he went with me. He’s a horrible human being. It almost makes me forget about the time he ate cake. Those times were awesome.”

New Mexico Crematorium Found To Be Giving Families Grilled Steak Char In Place Of Ashes

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CARLSBAD, New Mexico –

Staff of a crematorium in New Mexico have admitted to giving hundreds of grieving families the charred remains of barbecue, instead of their loved one’s ashes. The fraud was first discovered when a certain mourner opened the jar containing supposed human remains and smelled a strong odor of grilled steak.

“It was a harrowing experience,” said James Innet. “I thought that my Martha was in there, but what I found was the ashes of a very different type of cow.”

Innet would not reveal why he had opened the jar in the first place, discovering what scores of others never would have.

When the true destination of the corpses received at the crematorium was investigated, it was revealed that they were sold as novelty items to the rich and eccentric.

“People love our service,” said salesmen Jose Hernandez. “They take the bodies home to show their friends, put them on display, that sort of thing. They aren’t worried about laws, because these people are rich. They do not know the rules, and do not care.”

The discovery may explain the latest trend started by Better Homes and Gardens magazine, which advises readers to set up recently deceased corpses in the entryways of their houses in order to improve the feng shui, and impress visitors.

“You may have a deer head on your wall,” the latest edition read. “Why not add a human head to your collection? It hurts no one, and will show your readiness to try new things. What’s more, it costs a fortune which you can repeatedly tell your friends!”

Prince Reveals Shocking Truth About His Hair

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

The artist formerly known as “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince” has revealed the truth about his hair – and it will shock his hordes of fans. He is actually a natural blonde. Yes, you heard that correctly – Prince is a natural blonde.

“I’m not ashamed of it,” he said in an exclusive interview with Empire News. “It’s haunted me my whole life. When my momma saw I had blonde hair – and I had a big bush of it when I came into the world – she screamed in horror. She didn’t know what to do, having had a black baby with blonde hair.”

Once she came to terms with the fact that it was a genetic defect, Prince’s mother, Mattie Della, decided never to let her son out in public without having his hair dyed to a perfect black.

“Every morning she’d wash my hair in black dye, and not even I knew at first that I wasn’t a natural. She didn’t think I’d be able to take the news. But when I was five years old, she thought I’d better hear it from her, rather than waking up from a hair growth spurt and realizing I had blonde roots.”

Prince later took on the responsibility of treating his own hair.

“It simply became a part of my routine. For most kids, bathing and brushing teeth and hair is what they must do in the morning. I just had that little extra task of keeping my identity in tact.”

When he became a professional artist, he considered letting his true roots out, as his identity was already flamboyant and idiosyncratic.

“I could’ve told the world I was blonde, but I thought I’d wait until a time when I wasn’t successful – when I needed something to gain more publicity. That time never came, so I decided I might as well come out with it now. After all, my popularity has peaked and stabilized. I’ll never need to resort to stunts.”

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress ‘Just To Piss Off Republicans’

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In the latest round of exchanged animosities between the Republican and Democratic Parties, Barack Obama has officially invited Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, to speak before Congress. The news comes in the wake of House Speaker, John Boehner, inviting Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak in what is usually considered a ‘sacred’, constitutionally defended forum.

“We think it’s only appropriate that President Rouhani gets the same opportunity as Netanyahu,” Obama told a press conference. “After all, Netanyahu’s speech was designed as a defamation of Rouhani’s country. Also, we happen to know that the Republicans will hate this. Two can play at this game.”

Political experts around the country have been frantically throwing their opinions at our reporters.

“Get ready for a fight night like never before!” said Rita Harlow. “I expect Boehner and Obama to get physical this time around.”

“Rouhani is gonna blow those Republicans away,” Noel Reed told us. “Not literally – I mean, not with a nuclear bomb or anything. I mean, oh God, I didn’t mean… I don’t know anything I promise!”

Congress has already been likened this week to a ‘high school’, a ‘neighborhood watch meeting’, and a ‘parents-teachers AGM’. The Republican invitation to Netanyahu – which was kept secret until all plans were finalised – was an unprecedented breach of protocol. All the more so, since Netanyahu’s agenda was apparent – as the speech coincided with the upcoming Israeli elections.

“We’re organizing new elections in Iran,” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi. “Our move has to be just as petty as theirs. Otherwise, they still have one up on us. Which is entirely unacceptable when dealing with petty politics.”

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, for his part, has thanked the Democratic Party for inviting him to speak before Congress. Although his gracious acceptance did have one caveat.

“I’m delighted to have the opportunity to speak to Congress,” he said. “However, I want to ensure that no partisan politics are reflected in the decision. Otherwise, no deal. I will not compromise the stature of Iranian Democracy for the petty infighting of US politics.”