Will Ferrell Proves That Hollywood Walk of Fame Not Just for Good Actors

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Will Ferrell last week proved that the Hollywood Walk of Fame is not reserved for “only the best” actors. The famous walkway has received criticism in the past, facing accusations of being elitist, and only serving the talented minority. But the not-all-that-funnyman’s reception of a star among many really good actors, is evidence that the Walk is becoming more liberal and inclusive.

“This has been a long time in coming,” said activist Amy London. “For decades mediocre actors have been ignored in the awards. Ferrell is a perfect example. For years he’s served Hollywood in playing bit parts in good comedies, and taking center stage in bad ones, and has never received the recognition he deserves. Well now he’s being rightfully acknowledged.”

Ferrell himself admitted that he never expected to be inducted into the exclusive group of honorees on the Walk of Fame. However, he acknowledged that there is a basis for discrimination, and that he does not want his example to become political.

“Look, not everyone can have a star,” he told reporters. “It’s like when you’re a kid, and you win a competition but everyone gets medals for participation. It spoils the whole idea. There should be a more fair way of deciding who gets a star – like massive wrestling matches, where the last man – or woman – standing takes it.”

Some have shown skepticism about the motives behind Ferrell’s inclusion, saying that the award was only given to him to pander to critics.

“It’s not about equality, at all,” said neighborhood grouch Peter Poulsen. “They just want to act all progressive and forward-thinking. They think that by giving one bad actor an award, they can forget about them for the next three decades? We’ll make sure they don’t.”

4-Year-Old Prodigy Stuns World By Being Accepted To Yale

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

ROYAL OAK, Michigan –

A 4-year-old boy has stunned the world by becoming the youngest person ever to be admitted to Yale – or any other college. Hans Stensy of Michigan is being called a prodigy. Since his first birthday he has been a party trick for his parents, with his eloquent use of the English language, as well as groundbreaking literature theory. John and Nancy Stensy believe that Hans is ready to change the face of American higher education, and will allow him to skip regular schooling to get his bright future started.

“We’re very proud of our Hans,” Nancy told reporters. “He wows us every day with his knowledge of Tolstoy and Kafka, as well as his critiques of modern American poetry and disdain for J.K. Rowling.”

Empire News secured an exclusive interview with the child genius.

When did you realize you were special?

“From the moment of conception, my mental faculties exceeded that of the average American. Still, there was a long path ahead of me before I could actualize my abilities, and it was only at birth that I discovered other homo-sapiens existed.”

You’re so cute with those big words.

“I know not of an interview in which the interviewee has been told he is cute. I don’t appreciate it, and I am willing to get my mommy to take me home if it continues.”

Why literature? Why not mathematics, like the usual child prodigies?

“Mathematics is simple. All it requires is basic algorithms which, for most humans, appear incredibly difficult, yet are obvious to my intellect. Literature is art, and thus there are no correct answers, except that Shakespeare is overrated and that Dan Brown is a commercial whore.”

When did you have time to read so many books?

“I cannot explain the speed at which I read, as you probably know very little about the cognitive means with which words are processed.”

Do you have any inspirational words for future college applicants?

“Don’t give up. The smartest of you are hardly any better than the dumbest – it only seems so to your extremely limited capabilities.”

Hans will be at Yale from the beginning of next semester. He is expected to be carried to classes by fellow students who patronize him without knowing what that term means.

Burger King Admits They Are Source Of All McDonald’s Rumors, Urban Legends

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

JACKSONVILLE, Florida –

After years of speculation, Burger King have finally admitted to being behind every single rumor and urban legend denigrating rivals McDonald’s. The fast food franchise were under pressure to make the announcement, from a private detective McDonald’s hired to investigate the possibility. Percy Lupin discovered emails between employees on the creative side of the business, coming up with ridiculous but somehow believable defamation against their so-called #1 enemy.

“There’s loads of data, proving that Burger King thought up the legends,” said Lupin. “Even before the advent of email, they somehow used the service to communicate the rumor that earthworms are used in McDonald’s hamburgers.”

Further allegations, of using genetically mutated cows for example, are more recent. That hoax was spread via chain emails, along with photoshopped images of what were supposed to be big blobs of living cow.

Daniel Schwartz, CEO of Burger King, published the admission, along with a long-winded, grovelling apology.

“Yes, we did it,” he wrote. “We created all those horrible rumors and hoaxes. How else were we to rival the McD’s empire? I speak for myself and the whole franchise, in saying that we regret every moment of it… All of us are putting ourselves up for the greatest criticism, and some of us may commit suicide in the coming days, out of the immense shame we’ve caused ourselves. Please, McDonald’s, don’t sue us.”

McDonald’s have yet to release a public statement, but sources indicate that they are not going to let Burger King live this down.

“There’ll be an advertising campaign, that’s for sure,” Don Tripont, media expert, told reporters. “Also expected, are personal jabs at Burger King employees, from the highest level to the lowest. They’ll be accused of adultery, murder and rape, until their lives are ruined. The message will be clear: Don’t fuck with McDonald’s.”

Scientists Discover Ability To Charge Cell Phones With Static Electricity

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

In news that will revolutionize the smartphone industry, scientists have discovered a method of charging digital devices using static electricity. Technology news outlet, Wired, detailed the development on Monday afternoon. According to their report, charging your cell phone will require nothing more than a charger and the sweater your grandmother knitted for Christmas.

“Everyone knows how static electricity works, because we all learned the balloon trick and the one with the ruler and paper,” chief techno geek, Rob Fordburg wrote. “Many laymen have questioned why cell phones can’t be charged with the same source of electricity. Now we know the ability has been there all along.”

Bill Nye the Science Guy explained how and why the method works.

“When you rub a balloon against your sweater, amazing things happen!” he shouted at the wrong cameraman. “It’s fantastic. Bombastic. It sticks to your sweater. And that energy can be harnessed for our cell phones. Twitter, Facebook, ESPN, all powered by the simplicity of a balloon.”

“And don’t forget the sweater,” his child assistant interjected.

Apple have moved swiftly, however, to dampen the hopes of this cheap and portable method of charging.

“All sweaters used to charge iPhones or iPads must be purchased from a licensed Apple retailer,” said CEO Tim Cook. “If we ascertain that a non-Apple sweater has been used, the warranty will be voided.”

Samsung, on the other hand, have embraced the discovery, saying that static electricity sources are available for free with any handset, and that all it requires is a free app, powered by Google.

Interest in the discovery is expected to dwindle, as soon as people realize how dumb they’ll look with their smartphones plugged into their knitted sweaters.

Suge Knight Continues Faking Illnesses To Gain Sympathy, Get Jail Time Lowered

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

After Suge Knight collapsed in court on Tuesday, reports suggest that the rapper is to continue faking illness until he either receives a light sentence or total reprieve. Knight is on trial for armed robbery, as well as the more recent alleged murder of two rivals. If found guilty, he may spend the rest of his life behind bars, bringing to an end the career of a man who has been a continual threat to the safety of important players in the rap industry.

“Fainting was quite the move – I think he got that one from Oscar Pistorius,” said attorney, Theo Groenwalt. “Next, he’s going to do the puking, maybe pull out clumps of hair. Who knows? He might even expose himself to toxic levels of radiation and contract cancer. That would get him sympathy at least.”

Knight already spent 5 years in jail which ended in 2001, for an assault he committed with compatriot Tupac Shakur, shortly before Shakur’s still unsolved murder. Speculation further suggests that Knight may have had a role to play in the rap legend’s death. He was in the same car at the time of the fatal drive-by shooting.

“I’m glad he’s going to rot in prison,” said rap fan, Michael Trent. “I’m sure he killed 2Pac, and with him the heart and soul of the music industry. I can’t forgive him for that.”

But Knight is already well on his way to a reduced sentence. Associates say that it is unlikely that the badass rapper is really going to be felled by some minor illness, and that he must have a plan in place.

“My man Suge knows hot to deal,” said one friend. “He got a brilliant plan goin. Get publicity, get a court date, then get the fuck outta there.”

The office of the public prosecutor has, however, assured the public that Knight will not get off scot-free. They promised that the only way he gets let out because of illness, is if he dies from it. Then, they said, they’ll “be proved wrong. But we’re willing to take the chance.”

FCC Announces Closure; ‘People Don’t Need To Be Parented Anymore’

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) today shocked the American public by announcing its official closure. The reason, the regulatory agency said, is that they feel people no longer need to be “parented”. By June 2015, all departments within the commission will be shut down, ending over 80 years of public service.

Speculators believe that controversy over their recent net neutrality ruling has led to discontent within the agency, and a drastic drop in their faith in the direction the USA may be taking.

“Let’s be honest, Americans need someone to look after them. Now more than ever,” said analyst Roger Reed. “That being said, who wants to be in that unenviable role. When private companies are trying to take over the internet, and it’s all the FCC can do to stop them, it gets pretty depressing.”

The FCC’s commitment to net neutrality comes in response to fears that wealthy corporations will be able to use the internet to push their own needs to the top of the agenda, compromising the freedom of expression and equal ability to share that the current age has started to offer. And, indeed, it does seem that members of the FCC are irked about the uber-rich’s hunger for power over it.

“Those greedy motherfuckers,” one member was overheard saying. “They want our money, they want our jobs, and now they want our internet. Can you imagine where Grumpy Cat would be without net neutrality? No money hungry corporation would come up with that sort of genius.”

However, the FCC are sticking to their guns, insisting that America simply doesn’t need them any more.

“People are doing fine,” an official statement read. “They no longer need to be protected from themselves. Let them do what they want with their so-called ‘communications’. Let them treat the internet as a big wankfest for the 1%. I, I mean we, don’t care. I mean, we care, but we no longer need to. And that is all. Goodnight everybody.”

Football Fan Certain That Referee Biased Against His Team

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

DENVER, Colorado –

Emerging live from our coverage of the game today, a football fan is certain that the referee is biased against the team he supports. He is sure that the current call, which just went against one of his favorite players, is wrong, and that the referee blatantly favored the opponents.

“It’s clear from the start that he’s a fan of them,” said the man, groaning at another call going against his team. “He’s from wherever their team is from. Probably. That’s why they’re winning – they paid the ref! Why else would they be winning?”

Despite statistics coming from the game showing that his team have had more calls in their favor than the opponents, the man is nonetheless convinced that that only shows half the picture.

“Yeah, he’s given a few minor decisions for us,” the man said, referring to the team he supports as if he is part of it. “But the important stuff – they get all of it. It’s not fair.”

In a surprise twist, our reporters have discovered a fan of the other team who believes the referee is biased against his team, and is proud to say that they’re winning in spite of it.

“As you say, the majority of his decisions have gone in the other team’s favor,” this fan said, referring to the above mentioned statistic. “Clearly he must come from wherever their team is from. It’s not fair, but we’re good enough to win anyway.”

This fan, who apparently is an expert on body language and facial expressions, as well as psychology and sociology, told us that the way the ref looks at the opponents is with a softer glare than at his team’s members. He also asserted that although he has just learned that the referee is not from his side of town, the home city’s support of a different team must have caused a “reverse psychology sorta thing”, and that the referee’s decisions prove him correct.

At press time, we’ve got the two fans in a room together, arguing it out with impeccable logic and calm rationale.

New MTV Show to Follow Future Teenage Drug Addicts

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

MTV have announced that they are in production of a groundbreaking new reality series, which will follow the early lives of future teen drug addicts. According to their statement, the show will begin its first run as early as January 2016, at which stage they will have footage of the protagonists’ sixth year of life, and will continue for at least nine seasons, at which stage the kids are expected to be full-fledged addicts.

“It’s more than just a reality show,” said producer Darren McArthur. “It’s a sociological experiment. We’ve selected kids from backgrounds which will clearly lead to a life of struggle with mental illness leading to addiction.”

There will be ten kids, consisting of five boys and five girls from poor socioeconomic circumstances, with parents who beat them and are already addicts themselves.

“We’re going to ensure that they go to schools with high levels of poverty and which are known to produce gangsters and drug dealers. That way, they won’t have a chance of coming out clean.”

The first season will feature footage of the children being beaten by inebriated parents, drinking alcohol left irresponsibly in accessible areas, and other things which will surely lead to them having few options in life.

“If any options open up to them, we’ll be sure to quell them. This show will only work if these kids go in the direction we see them following. It would not be fair to the other crew and cast members if one of the kids makes something of his or her life.”

We asked McArthur what he felt the series would bring to the lives of Americans, and if he could respond to potential moral objections.

“America needs to see the culture in which addiction is bred. Only then can we begin to stop the disease which is damaging our great nation. And if Americans can’t stomach the sight of kids being raised badly, they’re in the wrong country.”

After Years As #1 Write-In Candidate, Mickey Mouse Announces Official Presidential Run

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Long touted as a possible presidential candidate, Mickey Mouse has finally announced that he’ll be running for the post in the 2016 elections. He is the second to officially make known his intentions for the campaign. Ted Cruz was the first, although many may fail to see the difference between the two candidates.

“Everyone has always spoken about a Mickey Mouse President,” said Mouse. “Now we can finally have one.”

Mouse stated that he’ll be campaigning to be both the Democrat and Republican frontrunner. This, he says, will continue a long tradition of having colloquially termed Mickey Mouse’s playing a part in the build-up of both parties’ campaigns.

“Everyone loves me – I’ve learned that in all my years at Disneyland. And although kids are sometimes scared of me, I’ve never told them that the world is on fire, which already puts me at an advantage over Ted [Cruz].”

Disneyland has released a statement in response to their long-serving mouse’s unexpected announcement.

“We are surprised but enthusiastic about Mickey’s new endeavor,” it read. “Mickey has been a staple of the Disney empire for many decades, and a presidential run will only contribute to his future position. Of course, everyone must remember that he is a trademark of The Walt Disney Company, and that will not change, even if he is to lead our illustrious nation.”

Mouse responded, saying, “I will always hold The Walt Disney Company in my heart – they placed a trademark label in there after all – but will not be a slave to them. When I am president, I will no longer have time for my duties there. It pains me to say it, but the government of the USA is slightly more important to Americans than Disney. When I am elected, I will ensure that Disney are paid out appropriate compensation for the termination of my never ending contract to them.”

Netanyahu Secures Election Victory, Ready To Resume Guessing What U.S. Wants

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

JERUSALEM, Israel –

Benjamin Netanyahu has been strongly criticised regarding statements he made immediately prior to the Israeli elections last week. He expressed definitively that the touted Two State Solution would not occur “on [his] watch”. Additionally, he warned right-wingers that Arabs were “coming out in droves” to vote, and that they must counter that; a statement that had not so subtle racist undertones.

But Netanyahu characteristically responded powerfully this week, in an apparent return to the status quo of saying just enough to appease the US government and keep up relations between the two nations. He swiftly denied he had abandoned the Two State Solution, despite recorded evidence of him having done so. He also apologized for being racist, saying “some of my best subjects are Arabs”.

Political analysts responded with an atypical disinterest to the Israeli Prime Minister’s remarks. According to them, the whole process was “tediously predictable”.

“Everyone knew he’d pander to right-winger in order to win essential votes to keep him in power,” said NBC’s Hunter Worthington. “Of course, he could not stand by those comments without drastically damaging Israeli-US relations, which let’s be honest – Israel needs us more than we need them.”

John Oliver, presenter of weekly HBO satire Last Week Tonight, was far more ebullient in his coverage of Netanyahu’s obvious political manoeuvring.

“If he gets away with this, he should be known as NetanyaHou-dini,” the British anchor said. Oliver is known to pull no punches, even when it comes to important US officials and allies, and more is expected from him on this front.

“I think we can expect John [Oliver] to mock Netanyahu’s future comments that he treasures his relationship with President Obama; his commitment to the safety of the Arab population in the Occupied Territories; as well as his assertions that he actually plans to work towards a peace that involves Palestinian statehood while opposing it in the UN.”