Father Makes Cookies Shaped Like Penises For Daughter’s School Bake Sale

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

DETROIT, Michigan –

Local man Albert Farnsburn found himself in hot water after he sent his daughter to school with inappropriately shaped cookies. The baked goods were brought to Farnsburn’s daughter’s second-grade class, and caused quite a stir according to the faculty.

“It was certainly not something any of us were expecting to see when we came into work, that’s for sure,” said Vice Principle of Sequoia grade school, Denise Clammoth. “I’m not sure what possessed him to do it. These children already have a world full of vice and inappropriate behavior. It’s sad to see when a parent cannot keep to a higher standard of tactfulness.”

Farnsburn has maintained the situation was all a giant misunderstanding. He stated that the cookies were meant to be sent to his wife’s book-club gathering as a lighthearted joke.

“Look, I would never knowingly send my daughter to school with those cookies. It was simply a mistake,” said the father. He continued, “Every parent knows how the morning can be a blur. I simply picked up the wrong Tupperware container.”

Farnsburn explained the shape itself was originally a mistake that he was trying to make turn into a worthwhile goof. After making a successful first batch of treats, the father flubbed the second batch.

“They were supposed to be Eiffel tower cookies. I guess I got the batch wrong and they all came out looking like…. well like mens’ privates.”

Fanrsburn then decided that the cookies should not go to waste and would be a funny treat for his wife’s all-womens book-club meeting. Fanrsburn unfortunately picked up the wrong container on his way out of the house, and his daughter ended up brandishing 35 brightly colored cock-cookies at her class party.

Some parents aren’t so sure about the excuse. Said one parent “I understand that a series of unfortunate circumstances could cause a mix up…. but this is the third time he’s done this.”

Anderson Silva Banned From UFC After Failing Drug Test

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Fans of the UFC’s Anderson Silva are in shock after reports that the fighter tested positive for steroids. The news came after months of speculation and denials, and could be a nail in the coffin of one of the sport’s biggest stars.

“I was not aware that this sort of behavior was happening in our sport,” said UFC commentator Paul Manson. “I know about the whole Lance Armstrong thing, but that’s in cycling. Everyone does it in cycling. But this? I can’t think of a single rational reason why a pro fighter would dope. I think that’s why they’ve banned him for life – because this is so shocking to everyone, and they really need to set an example.”

Lifelong fan of Silva, Mickey Peterkofsky, believes his hero will bounce back from the charges.

“Andy never did drugs,” the twelve year old whined. “He doesn’t need to because he’s the strongest man in the world, ever. And if you don’t believe that, you’re stupid.”

The charges have led to a lifetime ban that signals the end of Silva’s career. Silva, however, continues to deny culpability.

“I beat Nick Diaz,” the Brazilian said. “That’s the problem. I beat him and he can’t take it like a man. So he set me up. He must’ve injected that shit in me during that slumber party he hosted. I knew it was dumb to accept an invitation from a rival, but he seemed so sincere about it at the time. We had so much fun play-wrestling that night, I can’t believe he did that to me.”

When it was pointed out to Silva that Diaz, too, had failed his drug test, the now ex-pro stated, “Okay, so maybe those brownies I brought him had a little pot in them. Maybe he injected me with roids in retaliation. But the point is, I didn’t dope, and I will never be able to trust another so-called ‘friend.’”

Nick Diaz, when asked for comment, said, “I’m thankful for what was a dick move on his part. I’d forgotten the joys of recreational marijuana, but now I see that it’s far better than a successful UFC career. Everybody just gotta chill.”

Jackson 5 Reunite for American Tour Featuring Bruno Mars, Michael Jackson Hologram

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In news that will excite music fans from the 60s-through-80s, the remaining members of the Jackson 5 have announced that they will reunite, touring with Bruno Mars on lead vocals, as well as a hologram of deceased member Michael Jackson.

“We’re all very excited about this,” said Jermaine Jackson, who has only recently re-entered the music scene. “Once Michael died, we thought it was over. And when Randy vowed never to sing with us again, it seemed all but impossible. But Michael is still with us, if only technologically, and Bruno could pass for one of us. Yeah, he’s not really black, but white people won’t know the difference. Never have before.”

Michael Jackson’s hologram, in its first ever statement to the press, agreed with Jermaine’s assessment.

“Back in the day there were purists, who only wanted to hear the original five,” the Hologram said. “Those people are all either dead or too old to care. I’m the only one that people remember by now, anyway. Even I can’t remember the others’ names offhand – I have to search the database Google installed in place of a mind every time I need to make reference to them.”

Bruno Mars blogged his excitement at the privilege of joining the five, saying that he believed it was down to the success of Mark Ronson’s smash hit, “Uptown Funk.”

“I look so cool in that video. I watch it every day, checking out the moves I never knew I had. The King of Pop himself would be envious, if his hologram could experience human feelings.”

The five are expected to start touring in early May, following the three months necessary to teach the hologram to moonwalk.

Taylor Swift Incites New Feud Between Rival Gangs Crips, Bloods

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

A long list of Taylor Swift’s ex-lovers has been leaked onto the internet, inciting renewed fighting between rival West Coast gangs, the Bloods and Crips. The tally included high percentages from the combined 60,000 members of both gangs, and as such, each gang considers Taylor to be their ‘territory’. Immense revenge attacks are being waged, leading to concerns over deaths of innocent bystanders.

“Lots of gang members from both sides, all of whom allegedly slept with Swift at some point, have been killed,” reported eyewitness news correspondent, Lisa Mcintosh. “The numbers of civilian deaths is not as yet known, but many people are speculating that the number could be in the triple digits.”

Unsubstantiated rumors suggest that celebrities who have been involved with the “Blank Space” singer have found asylum in police safehouses until the hostilities die down. Professional fame-by-association junkie, Harold Horvath, told reporters that his own evidence suggests this to be true.

“I’ve had no sightings of John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Harry Styles, or Cory Monteith in days,” he explained. “Neither have any of my vast network installed in popular celebrity restaurants, outside their houses, or even at Victoria Secrets fashion shows.”

Taylor Swift released a statement in response to the bloodshed. It read, “I am shocked and horrified of the war being waged on my account. However, I refuse to harbor the blame.”

Friends of the singer agreed that she’s doing really well to shake it off.

“You can’t blame her for who she sleeps with,” said Claire Kowakian. “Except for Taylor Lautner. She has no excuse for that one. I mean, who wants to sleep with someone who shares the same first name? When he’s crying out your name in bed, how can you be sure he’s not just super vain? I’m just glad that all this ex-lover stuff might actually give her useable fodder for a new hit song.”

Members of both the Crips and Bloods have independently stated that the feud could soon be over as, “everyone seems united in the belief that Taylor is insane.”

Google Redirects Searches For ‘Who Runs The World?’ To Pictures Of Monkeys – Racism, Or Vision of Future?

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Does Google know something we don’t? There has been mass panic about a possible Planet Of The Apes future after searches for “who runs the world?” input into the world’s largest search engine has been redirecting users to pictures of monkeys.

The man responsible for unveiling this grim reality, Garrett Johnson, explains how he stumbled upon his findings.

“I was searching for that Beyonce song, ‘Who Runs the World,’ because I hadn’t heard it in a while, and had forgotten the answer. What I found sent me into a bit of a panic – I thought maybe Queen B had been turned into a monkey or some such thing.”

Tech expert Findo Mashwa played down the possibility of monkey domination. “If Google knew about it,” he said, “they’d certainly do something – probably buy the monkeys out for absurd sums of money. I have perfect faith in the company with access to all the important information in my life.”

An unnamed Google exec moved to calm the public, in a statement that was released to the press.

“Speaking on behalf of Google, I apologize profusely for the confusion caused. The answer to who runs the world is certainly not monkeys. However, that is the correct answer to the popular query of who runs the fur trade in Argentina.”

Some were still sceptical, especially once it was revealed that searching for “fur trade+Argentina” brought up pictures of beavers.

“Something doesn’t add up,” said Google user Mark George. “All I know is, if monkeys end up ruling the world, they’d better keep their stinking paws off me. Damn dirty apes.”

Luckiest Man Alive Survives Asia Airlines Crash; Later Killed by Airline Peanuts

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

TAIPEI, Taiwan –

Leo Yang was among the first survivors to appear alive from the wreckage following the TransAsia crash in Taiwan 2 days ago. The 34-year-old businessman appeared, miraculously unscathed, following the incident, which made his death less than an hour later all the more tragic.

Yang had been pulled from the wreckage with little more than a scratch on him, baffling the rescuers who helped save him. He was reported as appearing respectively calm and collected during the extraction.

“When he came out, he thanked us politely and sat in our rescue raft until we took him back to shore,” one rescue worker said. “We assumed he was in a state of shock or something like that. He was almost too calm. After we brought him to shore, he leaned against a rail and pulled out a package of airline peanuts. That was the last time we saw him alive.”

According to an eyewitness, Yang had propped himself against a railing along a walkway. There he stood and attempted to open a package of peanuts for a good hour while he watched the rescue crew continue to work.

“That bag must have been hard to open. But he was calm the whole time,” said the onlooker. “News crews kept passing him by. They thought he was an onlooker because he was so calm.”

The witness then said that Yang suddenly reacted violently. “As soon as he was able to open the peanuts and began eating them, he clutched his throat and began to convulse. It wasn’t long before he collapsed. I called over the paramedics that were available, but it was too late.”

According to paramedics on the scene, Yang fell to an acute allergic reaction to whey protein.

“Some of these packaging companies use a whey powder to help preserve the flavor of peanuts in packaging. Yang apparently did not read the nutrition label on the package, likely due to being emotionally flustered. The adrenaline associated with shock from the crash likely had his body redlining, and so the reaction to the allergy was swift and intense.”

Yang is survived by his wife Patty and his three sons, Charlie, Franklin, and Linus.

California Elementary School Hires Registered Sex Offender, Parents Say He’s ‘Best Teacher Ever’

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

MENDOCINO, California –

The John G. Downey grade school is under scrutiny for hiring a registered sex offender to head classes. However, some parents are quick to voice their appreciation for the teacher’s dedication and passion for the job.

Jonothan Alber Metz has been a registered sex offender for nearly 13 years, with two separate arrests on his record. But that didn’t stop him from landing the job as a sixth-grade teacher J.G. Downey.

“He’s got a knack for working with kids,” Says superintendent Marie Worthright. “We understand his past record, and have taken the utmost precaution in vetting him during the hiring process to make sure that is all behind him.”

While Worthwright feels secure in her decision, some lawmakers and community members have already voiced concerns about Metz being in close proximity to the children. Curiously, however, the parents of students in Metz’s class have nothing but fond words for the sex offender.

“I can’t think of a more attentive teacher for the kids,” said Bill Covington, whose daughter takes part in Metz core studies class. “He not only works hard to help the kids understand the subject, but he takes time out of his personal days to tutor them. I’ve never seen a teacher so willing to stay after class with his students. He even takes the kids on weekend field trips. It really gives us parents some much-needed alone time.”

Echoing the praise, Merriam Merth stated, “He’s great with making eye contact with the kids, and letting them know he’s listening. He has a real passion for children, you can tell.”

Metz is up for teacher of the year in the Academic Board of California Awards. Students could not be reached for comment. Most simply stated Metz was “whatever” and many indicated they didn’t want to talk about it.

‘Dexter’ Creator James Manos Jr. Admits Series Ending Was ‘Horrible,’ Plans To Bring Show Back For One Final Season

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

MIAMI, Florida –

It can sometimes be hard to admit when a mistake is made. It can be doubly difficult when the mistake costs millions to produce and leaves a following of fans unsatisfied and despondent. That is why James Manos Jr’s admission that he could have done better with the series’ ending was such a breath of fresh air to Dexter fans.

“Quite frankly, we screwed up. It was horrible, and we’re ready to make it right with a true final season” said Manos Jr.

The Dexter series pulled in millions of fans to its twisted storyline of a serial killer tied to a bizarre moral code. Throughout eight seasons, the show wowed audiences while keeping them guessing at every turn. Unfortunately, the final episode undid all the positive motion that the previous seasons had built. A ruined climax and a rather uninspired ending left many crying foul and wanting a redo. Now, unhappy fans will finally get their wish.

“To be honest, the ending was simply thrown together because we ran out of time,” said Manos Jr. “We were all dealing with a big bout of writer’s block by the end of the show’s run. We heard that Breaking Bad was putting Walter White in the Northwest forests. We thought it would be great to put our murderer there as well. Can you imagine? A forest battle between Walter White and Dexter Morgan? We thought it was going to be brilliant.”

Unfortunately for Manos, the AMC series turned away from its original concept and killed off Walter White in the final episode, leaving Dexter in the woods alone.

“Without warning, their ending was totally different. We were left hanging there with our murderer out in the forest with no antagonist. But it was too late to save the finale since ours was a week prior to their own. They screwed us, and in turn, we screwed the fans. So now we’ve simply got to do a true final season.”

Manos Jr. Stated the ninth season could begin as early as 2016. Fans are already starting the gossip mill on who will be the antagonist, with many clamoring for Jesse Ventura.

“At the very least, even if we screwed up again, I can promise this,” said Manos Jr. “we will definitely not just cut to black in the middle of a conversation. Sorry, Sopranos. You’re alone in that boat.”

President Obama Hit With Pie; Security On High Alert

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has been pied!

The incident occurred after a meeting with the American Muslim Leaders in the Roosevelt Room. As the President exited the office, a still unidentified man ran up to the President and slapped pie platter on the side of the President’s head.

A Secret Service officer quickly subdued the man, but only after the pieing had occurred. The individual has been taken to a secure location for questioning.

The Obama administration’s Secret Service has been under heavy scrutiny following a series of failings. There was the shooting at the White House over the summer, followed by a drone being able to fly onto the grounds. Now, the Secret Service is once again under fire and will be left on high-alert for weeks.

“I am not allowed to speculate on the reasoning or nature of the attack,” said a secret service spokesperson. “I will state that the pie has been examined, and it was cleared of any poisons. We are now pulling out all the stops regarding check points and security around the perimeter. As an added precaution, all White House chefs have now lost baking privileges until further notice.”

The confection that struck the president was not a cream or berry pie as one might expect. Instead, it was a Spinach, Meat, and Cheese Pie. These pies are most commonly found in the Middle East, and have left some speculating what the deeper meaning is.

The White House Press Secretary released a brief statement regarding the president’s health.

“The President would like to assure the American people that he is both fine, and that the pie was quite tasty. He said he only wished the man had handed him the pie, rather than waste so much of it that was lodged deep within the President’s ear.”

25 Dead In Crazy Plane Crash In Taiwan, Footage Caught On Camera – You Won’t Believe The Cause!

Posted on February 4, 2015 by skullman

TAIPEI, Taiwan –

A pilot who was flying a jet full of passengers crashed almost immediately after takeoff yesterday, with the plane landing in the middle of Taipei, narrowly missing the freeway, and crashing into offices and homes.

Taiwan airline officials, who are normally very reserved on speaking to the American press, said that they would like people to know that it was all about pilot error, and not to blame the airline.

“We want everyone to know that our airline is very safe. Always safe,” said airline spokesman Kim Ho. “We are not like Malaysia airlines. Our passengers always get to their destination safely. No crashes. Planes never go missing. This was all because the pilot fell asleep on takeoff. That’s not normal, though. Seriously, we are not Malaysia airlines. Please, please…keep flying with us.”

According to Ho, the pilot may have nodded off while trying to bring the plane into the air.

“The pilot was up too late. He likes to party! Maybe he was drinking? I don’t know. We have not found black box yet, so we can’t know. Pilot also had bad allergies, and looking at online video, maybe he just sneezed really hard, and plane went down. He just not as good at plane flying as Denzel Washington. Denzel can fly drunk and on cocaine. This pilot, he suck at flying.” said Ho. “But, don’t worry, it was not terrorist, or any sort of supernatural thing, or government shooting us down, no no. Not like Malaysia airlines. This was just pilot. He is stupid pilot, that’s all. That’s all. Most of our pilots, they not as stupid as this one. Trust us!”

The airline says that they are offering discounted flying rates over the next few months to encourage people to continue to use their airlines.

“We will give great deals now, on tickets,” said Ho. “Please, please. Fly with us still. Try us! We will get you where you want to go, and we will get you there safe. Accidents happen sometime, but this just once. We have good cookies and sodas when you fly with us. Movies too, like Dr. Dolittle and Con Air. Come, give a try. You’ll love us. We’re not Malaysia Airlines. Please fly!”