Man Beheads Neighbor For Leaving His Dog Out In The Cold

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Donald White, 38, drove to a Louisville Metro Police Department substation, walked in, and told officers that he had just beheaded his next door neighbor, Alexander Baker, 49, because he had been leaving his dog to freeze outside over night in sub-zero temperatures.

White told police the dog would cry and bark all night, every night, and that the colder it would get, the more upset he became about the issue. White had reported Baker to animal services several times, who reportedly did nothing about the issue.

White’s girlfriend, Miranda Anderson, told WAVE-3 reporter Michelle Nelson that police only talked to Baker once, and it never changed anything.

“Donnie must have called them twenty or thirty times. They came once, told him to bring the dog inside, and to keep the noise down. He did it that one night, then every day and night afterwards the dog stayed outside,” Anderson said as she began to weep. “It wasn’t the noise that was bothering us, it was the cruelty. I’m sorta sorry for what Donnie did to the man, but you have to understand, the pain that dog endured was torture for us. We are dog lovers, and we talked about even taking the dog several times. I wish we had.”

When police arrived at Baker’s home, they found his body near a bloody machete in the living room, and his head in the bathroom toilet. The dog, a pit bull mix, has been taken into custody by Louisville Metro Animal Services, where it will be put up for adoption.

White says that he feels he made the right decision, and that he is glad that the dog has been taken in by a shelter, where it can get the care it needs.

“Every night, I’d look through my window, and see that beautiful dog shivering and freezing out there. Chained up and fenced in,” said White. “The night I went over to talk to Baker, it was -3 degrees outside. I just wanted to ask him to please take the dog inside, but when I got over there, he laughed in my face, and told me to ‘go screw.’ He said ‘Dogs have fur for a reason, shithead.’ I lost it. He had some hunting gear right by the door, and I pushed my way in, saw a machete, and I just cut his head clean off. One fell swoop. To be honest, it felt like the right thing to do.”

White’s Lawyer, Bill S. Preston, Esq., says that White should not face criminal charges. “What he did was technically self-defense, for someone who could not properly defend themselves – in this case, a sad, cold, puppy. We expect he will not be sentenced for the murder.”

Major Grocery Store Chains Recalling All Milk; Dairy Companies Charged With Using Milk From Rodents

Posted on January 25, 2015 by JP

MEMPHIS, Tennessee –

Get ready for a drastic shortage in milk through the country. It was announced today by the Calcium Benefits Coalition that most milk will be pulled from grocery stores all over America, after recent testing has confirmed that several major milk manufacturers have been caught cutting their milk with the milk of female rats.

The horrifying news hit the internet after a routine health inspection at a very well-known dairy factory. An inspector reported he found a door that the company claimed was an empty closet, but once he finally got inside he couldn’t believe what he found.

“Inside was a milking ground of up to 1,000 female rats, chipmunks, and ferrets. They were all very pregnant, and they had tiny little milking devices strapped to their tiny little teats,” said the anonymous health inspector. “The company, which the CBC and the US Department of Health are refusing to identify at this time, claimed they were just ‘running tests’ on the benefits of the rat milk. A bovine milk-purity test found, though, that milk being distributed was 67% rat milk.”

Health inspectors for the USDA, the CBC, and the US Department of Health were tasked to check all other major milk distribution companies, and tests showed that almost 90% of all the major dairy companies in the United States have been infusing their regular cow milk with rodent milk.

For now, a recall is in effect for milk, but other dairy products will still be shipped and sold. Pretentious vegans across the country are calling this a “huge win” for their side, and yet one more reason that people should stay away from animal products.

‘Super Rats’ Terrorize New York City

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

A new breed of ‘Super rats,’ immune to poisons and larger, stronger, and more aggressive than normal rats, have reportedly invaded the upper East Side on New York. Super rats are carnivores, and have so far been feeding on pigeons, cats, dogs, and other rodents but the US Department Of Health says they fear attacks on people could be next.

“The problem with super rats is officially out of control, we have known about rats plaguing the Bronx and Harlem for a while now, but when super rats start terrorizing the good people of the upper East Side, it’s time to do something about it,” said NYC Mayor Bill de Blaiso. “So today I am announcing a new tax, this additional one dollar “Super Rat Tax” on each and every pack of cigarettes sold in the city, will go to the safe and humane trapping of the super rats so they be relocated to New Jersey”

“He said what? If that communist thinks he can dump his rats here, he’s got another thing coming.” said Chris Christie, New Jersey Governor. “I’ll shut down the bridges! I did it before, I’ll do it again, I’ll take those super rats and launch them over the river so it rains rats all over the city night and day. I got one message for comrade de Blaiso: ‘sit down and shut up’, and don’t f*ck with Jersey.”

“Super Rats? I have lived in the upper East Side my whole life, and I have never seen a super rat. Hell, I’ve never seen a regular rat, if you can believe that,” said Carmine Classi, avid smoker, as he was interviewed on the street by WNYC-News 6. “Bill de Blaiso hates smokers, just like Bloomberg hated the fatties. Bill is an ultra-liberal nutjob who just wants to raise our cigarette tax again. He won’t be happy until no one smokes, and now he’s seeing rats? Well I got a message for Mr. Mayor, you’re the only r—…”

Unfortunately, Classi was attacked by a super rat mid-sentence, and was killed instantly. WNYC-News 6 reporters say they send their deepest regards to his family.

Golf Ball Hit From Moon During Apollo 14 Mission Found By Rover On Mars

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

NASA today confirmed images relayed to Earth by the Mars Rover are, indeed, a Titleist golf ball. Scientists were happy to report that the mystery of the golf ball has been solved, and that there’s a logical explanation for it.

”When the image of the golf ball was released, internet rumors ranged from golf playing aliens to the Mars Rover mission being a NASA hoax filmed here on Earth. I’m happy to report we have solved the mystery of the golf ball found in the Gabrielle Crater on Mars,” said Lead Mars Rover scientist Carl White. “The golf ball is none other than the one Alan Shepard hit off the lunar surface in 1971 during the Apollo 14 mission. When Mr. Shepard hit the ball on the Moon, with the Moon’s low gravity the ball was launched into space. We have calculated the ball traveled 35 million miles and took forty years to land on Mars.”

“Since the ball landed in Gabrielle Crater we are happy to say that a NASA astronaut now holds the longest hole in one record in golf history,” said president of Titleist Golf Company Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, Mr. Shepard died in 1988, but I met him a few times, and I’m sure he would be proud to hold such a record.”

“Alan played golf all the time,” says widow Mary Shepard. ”I’m not sure how proud he would be though that the ball was found on Mars. When he got back from the Apollo 14 mission in 1971, he told me he was aiming at Uranus, so he must have hooked it.”

Obama Resolves To Move White House to Chicago

Posted on January 24, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

To the shock of all Americans and with reverberations around the world, President Obama announced that he will move the White House to Chicago by year’s end. Obama mentioned the move was spurred after he was contemplating his 2015 New Year’s resolution. The Republican brass was in an uproar with many members of Congress questioning the President’s motives, some echoing the word dictator.

“When I came before you in 2008, I said my campaign was about change. As you know, every New Year’s Eve I fill out a list of personal and private goals. My thoughts kept coming back to Chicago,” stated Obama. “While I have the utmost respect and approbation for our forefathers and the city of Washington D.C., it’s time for the White House to be centralized, which would make travel and accessibility easier for all members of Congress. Chicago is the de facto capitol of the United States. Plus, who doesn’t love that deep dish pizza?” said the President.

Senator Ted Cruz said, “This President continues his ruthless power trip. My fears for this administration keep coming to fruition. Now he’s going to uproot our nation’s legacy? When are we as a people going to intercept his attempts to will his power over the American people? What’s next? Is he going to change the Constitution citing presidential supremacy?”

Meet The Press moderator, Chuck Todd, said he had been hearing rumors that this move was imminent. “The President’s deep love for Chicago is no secret,” said Todd. “I’m hearing, though, that a variety of personal reasons are the real motives for the impending move. First, Malia and Sasha [Obama] have grown homesick, and yearn to move back to their original Hyde Park surroundings. Second, the President confides with his former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, ever day and wants to be closer to him. Third, the President wants to see more Chicago Bulls games now that Derrick Rose appears to be healthy again, and the eastern conference is wide open. He’s mentioned many times his desire to bring a future championship Bulls team to the White House.”

Sarah Palin weighed in on the issue asking, “Chicago? Maybe the President missed those American history courses when he was growing up in Kenya.”

Experts Say Smartphones Causing Dramatic Increase In Permanent Blindness Among Americans

Posted on January 24, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Dr. Henry Lee Sen-Su, a researcher and doctor in the field of ophthalmology, is one of the leading experts on blindness in the world. Sen-Su and says that people are killing their eyesight, and within the next fifteen to twenty years, nearly thirty percent of Americans will be inflicted with some degree of permanent blindness.

“The average American smartphone owner checks their phone over 150 time in one day. While some do not spend much time on theirs, many look at their smartphones up to one thousand times in a day, an alarming and extremely dangerous routine,” Dr. Sen-Su said. “This, in my opinion, is just as much of a problem as the obesity epidemic here. It is my educated and guaranteed expert opinion that in the next fifteen to twenty years, over one-quarter of the nations adults, age 40 and older, will become legally blind. All because they can’t resist checking their news feed or checking for whatever bizarre news topics or celebrity is trending. Something must be done, and it needs to be done quickly.”

According to Dr. Sen-Su, the screens that make up our smartphones, whether it be iPhones or a Samsung Galaxy, are becoming “too good,” causing a mild retina burn whenever you look at them. “Thank God that the teeny-tiny phone trend is dying,” said Sen-Su. “The larger phones coming back means slightly less eye strain, which was only compounding the problem.”

Maxwell Picholucini, a spokesperson for NABA, the National Association of Blindness Awareness, says that the organization has set up an agenda to promote the act of personal and vocal interaction to substitute for text messaging.

“The facts are in, and the research has proven that our phones are causing harm to our eyesight. People need to not rely on texting so much, and start making calls and actually talking to each other on their phones. Burning your retinas with your smart phone is not very smart,” Picholucini said. “We at NABA are promoting a slow-down in technology, and are also looking at even going back to older pieces, such as fax machines and rotary phones. Saving people from going blind is our top priority.”

Man Who Had World’s First Horse Penis Transplant Signs Deal To Star In Series Of Adult Films

Posted on January 24, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Nicolas Waterbury, the recipient of the world’s first ever horse-to-human penis transplant in July of 2014, made news again earlier this week when he signed a deal with Elite Adult Entertainment, an up-and-coming giant in the adult film industry.

Owner and CEO of EA Entertainment, Ron Wetsherbed, has issued a statement regarding the deal.

“We are very, very excited to get this deal completed. We had been keeping in touch with Mr. Waterbury since his surgery, and have been following his progress. He has officially been cleared as having a completely healthy, normally functioning penis. Something that is music to our ears,” Wetsherbed said.

The deal, worth $2 million, consists of a series of ten films in which Waterbury will co-star with popular adult film actresses who will be announced at a later date.

Wetsherbed said that it is a tremendous and honorable opportunity for his company to become a pioneer of sorts. “This is a first, not just in the adult film industry, but a man with a real horse penis is huge news. Having that man in our films? It is absolutely priceless. It is something everyone will want to see, whether they like pornography or not, and whether they admit it or not. It is one of those things you just have to see to believe, and I can say I have seen it and just let me say, he is going to be a very, very popular man by the end of this year. Mark my words.”

Tom Brady Admits To Deflating Balls During AFC Championship Game

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

Star quarterback for the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, who along with his team is under investigation from the NFL for possibly using under-inflated balls during their AFC Championship win over the Indianapolis Colts, admitted this morning that there were a number of balls deflated during the game.

“I’m sorry to say that yes, there were deflated balls during the AFC Championship game,” said Brady during a press conference Friday morning. “We didn’t want to have to admit this, because it’s not something we, as a team, would normally talk about, but in discussing this with the rest of the guys, we have decided to come clean about everything.”

Reporters, who were eager to hear about the sideline events during the Patriots massacre of a 45-7 win over the Colts, were given more info than even they bargained for.

“You see, we don’t have to deflate our footballs to win games,” said Brady. “We are the New England Patriots, and we can dominate everyone. We’re a dynasty. We have been winning games for eons. But yes, we definitely deflated some balls that day.”

“We deflated the balls of every player on the Colts,” explained Brady. “We deflated their balls when we rushed over them. We deflated their balls when every time we made a touchdown, they had to look up at the scoreboards with tears in their eyes. Hell, we deflated the balls of their fans, as they watched us crush their team that, in all honesty, only plays at slightly above the level of a Pee-Wee Football team. Yes, we deflated some balls, that’s for sure. But we certainly didn’t have to deflate any footballs to beat a team in our home.”

Currently, no penalties are being lobbied by the NFL to the New England Patriots over the severe deflating of balls that the Colts team and fans were forced to endure.

Miley Cyrus Hospitalized After Violent Overdose

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Superstar singer Miley Cyrus, on a break between tour dates, has been hospitalized after an apparent overdose on what is believed to be a near fatal combination of sugar and caffeine, publicist Michelle Plasko revealed to the Associated Press this morning.

“Miley needs help, and we feel that coming forward with this information was something we needed to do in order to reach out to her fans, friends, and family,” Plasko stated. “Sure, she dabbled with recreational drugs for a couple of years, but what kid doesn’t try some pot growing up? She’s quit all that stuff, but now, she’s addicted to candy, soda, and coffee. I mean, she eats so many Sour Patch Kids each day, she’s starting to lose sensation in her tongue.”

Earlier this year, Cyrus cancelled several tour dates and made several trips to hospitals for what was mostly described as bad reactions to medications, such as antibiotics. When asked if those episodes were actually related to Cyrus’s sugar abuse, Plasko stated that “the past was the past.”

“We would like to focus on today and the future,” said Plasko. “Previous episodes may or may not have been related to the fact that she drinks 5 or 6 2-liter bottles of RC Cola every day. I can’t comment on that. What I will say is that Miley is a very young woman, and the lifestyle has really caught up to her extremely fast. We ask everyone to please be understanding as we look for way to pull her from the deep, dark hole on confections that she has put herself in.”

When asked if Cyrus is planning to continue her touring and other artistic endeavors, Cyrus’ father, Billy Ray, replied by saying the artist plans on fulfilling every commitment she has made.

“Miley will make good on every tour date that is planned,” said Billy Ray Cyrus. “Yes, she needs help for her fiendish ways, but it is more important that she gives her fans what they want, first and foremost. If she needs to bump a couple lines of Pixy-Stix to make it through a concert, then that’s what will have to happen. When all of this is over, then we can try to talk her into getting help. But for now, all that matters is her performance and living up to those standards.”

Actor Danny Trejo Catches Robbery Suspect, Elderly Woman Says ‘He Is My Hero’

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

OAKLAND, California –

70-year-old actor Danny Trejo is being called a hero today, after reportedly catching a man who had robbed an 86-year-old woman of her life savings.

Trejo is a very well-known method actor, mostly known for portraying villains and anti-heroes in action films, but is loved by movie-goers and has a very large cult following.

After parking his car at a Ralph’s grocery store in Oakland, Trejo said he heard a woman screaming for help. “I looked up and saw an older woman waving her cane in the air and yelling for help. She pointed to a man running to a black pickup truck, then I noticed he had a woman’s purse as he was running,” Trejo told an Oakland police officer.

According to the police report, the assailant reportedly jumped into his truck and took off, so Trejo jumped back into his 2014 Bentley and followed the man. As the two sped through the streets of Oakland, a police officer spotted the car chase and took pursuit. After tailing the assailant for several miles, Trejo finally rear-ended the perpetrator’s truck, a stunt he had learned in his years of acting in action films.

Trejo got out of his vehicle and pulled the man out of his truck, wrestling him to the ground as police arrived on the scene. Police handcuffed both the assailant and Trejo at first, and placed the two in separate squad cars. Officer Larry Ragsdale, first on the scene, told Empire News that after questioning each of the men, it had become obvious what had happened.

“Mr. Trejo acted as a vigilante, and caught the man who had robbed an elderly woman, who had kept her life savings in her purse. The woman had over $14,000 in her bag. Although we do not condone citizens acting in such a manner, we determined that Mr. Trejo was only acting like a vigilante, and was not really purporting to be one, so we decided not to charge him with any crimes. Plus, I mean look at the guy – you can tell he’s one badass S.O.B. I know I wouldn’t get on the wrong side of Danny Trejo. No way in hell I was booking him.”

Edith Marie Carlton, the 86-year-old victim in the mugging, told Empire News that Trejo was like an angel. “God bless that man! I had everything I own in that purse, because I don’t believe in using a bank. I always just keep all my money on me. He is my hero. I learned my lesson, though, to leave the house with only the money I intend to use,” Carlton said. When asked if she recognized Trejo from films, she said she did.

“I think I’ve seen him playing a bad guy. Who can tell, right?” said Carlton. “All those bad people in the movies, they look the same to me. I don’t normally watch the violent pictures. At any rate, all I can say is – never judge a book by its cover!” she stated as she laughed.

The robbery suspect, who was charged with grand theft and resisting arrest, was said to be beaming with happiness during his booking process. “Did you guys hear? I got my ass kicked by Machete!” He reportedly told everyone, excitedly. Trejo refused comment at this time.