30-Year-Old Man With Perpetual Baby Face Is Father To Newborn Son With Creepy, Adult Man Face

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Frankie Clemons, 30, has a rare condition that makes his face appear to be an infant’s. It’s something that he has learned to deal with over the course of his life, answering many questions about it along the way, as he gets stares and gawks while walking down the street.

The stares may begin to double, though, as Clemons’ newborn son, Joey, has the exact opposite problem.

“Joey was born with a similar condition to mine, in that his face is that of a full-grown, adult man,” said Clemons. “My issue is that my face looks like it did when I was a baby, and it never changed. I’m used to it, but I was really hoping that it would not be passed to my son. My wife is a ‘normal,’ so I was really anticipating Joey being normal as well.”

Doctors say they are baffled as to why Frankie and his son both have such a rare, untreatable condition.

“They’ve never been able to figure out, exactly, what is wrong with me, so I assume that they’ll have the same issues with Joey,” said Clemons. “I’ve considered plastic surgery, but honestly, the doctors have told me straight-out they’d have no idea where to begin. I’m happy, though. I’ve got a great wife, and a new son, and we’re doing fine. We’re healthy, it’s just how we look. Frankly, there are lot more ugly looking people out there than us. So I’m a babyface, what’s the big deal?”

Snake Massages Become Weird New Trend Among Hollywood Celebrities

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hollywood has always been one of the trendiest places in the world. A place where celebrities of all stature can grab onto any little thing that they enjoy and make it into a worldwide phenomenon. A new trend among Hollywood A-listers is spreading quickly throughout much of the West Coast: snake massages.

“Oh my God, it’s the greatest feeling in the world,” said Cheryl Jones, who claims to be 25. “I saw that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lawrence both love getting snake massages, so I had to try it, too. It’s amazing!”

Snake massage, unlike regular massage, requires no one’s hands to be all over you, making any sort of inappropriate touching or uncomfortable settings a thing of the past.

“I one time was finger-banged by a giant lesbian masseuse,” said Mary Lambert, 36. “I only went back another 4 or 5 times after that. It was just too awkward. Snake massage is so much more relaxing. They just slither all over your body and they shed their skin over you. It’s great for your pores, too. I love it. It’s also way less awkward when they slither between your legs than when Joanne The Bulldyke does it.”

Celebrities including Jolie, Lawrence, Chris Pratt, and Andy Dick are said to be “huge fans” of snake massage.

Woman Arrested After Burning Down Her Own House In Attempt To Meet ‘Sexy Firemen’

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A Boise woman, Doris Murphy, 48, was arrested late Friday evening for arson after she allegedly burned down her own home in an attempt to meet ‘sexy firemen.’

“I just wanted to get me a little some, and I am damn sick of the same old haggard bastards who sit down at the bar,” said Murphy. “I seen me a bunch of sexy firemen in calendars, and I figure there had to be at least one or two who worked here in Boise. I didn’t think the house was going to go up that fast.”

According to Murphy, she just planned on setting a “small fire” so that she could call 911 and have local fire & rescue show up.

“I put a can of gasoline in the bathtub, and I torched it. Figured it was in the tub, it would be easy to just turn the shower on myself to stop it if I needed to,” said Murphy. “Turns out, that doesn’t work so good.”

Murphy’s home was completely destroyed in the blaze, and Murphy herself is facing up to 5 years in prison for the stunt.

“Most annoying thing is that there weren’t no good looking guys that came to put out the fire,” said Murphy. “It was just a couple of the same old guys who are always at the bar, and a beefy lesbian. Hell, there weren’t even no Dalmatian dog that came like in the TV shows.”

Walmart Manager ‘Happy’ Only 3 Employees Killed During Black Friday Sale

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JOHNSONVILLE, Indiana –

Carl Rogers has been a manager at Walmart for over 10 years, and has been through his fair share of Black Friday sales.

“I’ve been through it all. People being trampled, fights breaking out, shootings, stabbings. I even once had a man bludgeon another man to death with a 27″ TV they were both fighting over,” said Rogers. “This year, by comparison, was a breeze.”

Rogers says that only 3 of his employees were killed during a mad rush as the doors opened at his location, which is the lowest amount killed in several years.

“Last year, it was 5 killed. Two were trampled to death, two were stabbed, and one died of a heart attack,” said Rogers. “We were sincerely hoping for no deaths this year, but frankly, 3 isn’t too bad. At least it wasn’t any customers. I’m pretty happy with the day.”

Walmart’s Black Friday specials roll on through Sunday, with most stores having plenty of items still in stock.

Man Claims He Went Blind After Binge-Watching Netflix Series

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CUPERTINO, California –

Paul Jones, 37, is an avid fan of movies and TV series. A former movie theatre projectionist, Jones’ personal library of films is over 4,000 titles, but he soon may be selling them all, as he says he will no longer be able to enjoy movies after going blind from binge-watching Netflix series.

“I loved movies, I loved TV, but that’s all over for me now,” said Jones, who watched the entire series of Orange is the New Black over the course of just a few days. “I got hooked on it, despite its silly storylines and abysmal acting by the lead character, and I sat, staring at my TV for almost 3 straight days. I didn’t sleep at all. Binge-watching for days straight was not a good idea.”

Jones says that staying up for 3 days doing nothing but watching Netflix caused him to lose almost 80% vision in both of his eyes.

“Doctors say that it was a really bad move on my part, and I guess they must have been right,” said Jones. “I’m ashamed and embarrassed that my life has come to this, but I needed to get my story out there. I wanted to warn everyone else. Binge watching is harmful. Go back to the old days of doing things. Watch a show when it airs on TV. If it doesn’t air, like Orange, then watch one episode a week on a certain night. Just pretend. Don’t end up like me.”

Students Bullied In School Over Sexuality Should ‘Act Less Gay,’ Says Principal

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

A school principal is in hot water today after telling a student who was being bullied over his sexuality that if he wanted to not get picked on, he should “act less gay.”

“It’s only rational to me that if you come into school, and you’re super flaming and other kids are harassing you, that maybe you should tone it down a bit, and stop flaunting your extra gayness,” said principal John Waters of Charleston Junior High. “I have nothing against gay people. Some of my closest friends are gay, but they don’t walk around wearing pink shirts with pictures of penises on them and painting their faces with rainbows like some of these kids do today.”

School policy does not allow faculty to divulge the name of any students involved in bullying incidents, but some students spoke to a local Charleston news station, anonymously, about the harassment they’ve dealt with.

“I used to get picked on all the time because I’m a Jew,” said one student. “I told the principal, and he told me just to stop wearing my yarmulke, and maybe cut my ‘jew dreads,’ and the bullies would forget about me. I was a little upset at first, but I did what he suggested, and now I don’t get picked on, so I guess his advice worked.”

“I’ve actually told Principal Waters multiple times that I get picked on all the time for being poor and black, but he told me to just to suck it up, because there was no way I couldn’t pretend to not be black anymore,” said another student. “He did suggest that I rob a couple stores and get higher-end clothes, and maybe appear more rich, but that only worked for a couple weeks, because I only had one set of nice clothes. After they started to smell, I got picked on for that. The principal sucks.”

School administrators say they are “looking into” repeated incidents of misconduct on the part of Principal Waters.

Women Who Don’t Shave More Likely To Die Alone, Study Finds

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A new study performed by a team of doctors located on the beaches of Miami has revealed information about hairy women.

“Sadly, these women, who we call ‘the hairy ones,’ are almost 100% more likely to die alone than a woman who cares about her appearance and shaves regularly,” said Dr. Miles Kenefic, head researcher on the project. “We surveyed over 25,000 women on the beaches of Miami over the last 5 years, and one thing they had in common was that sexy, beautiful, hairless women had men flocking over them, and dirty, disgusting, shaggy women were always alone, or with other dirty, disgusting, hairy women.”

Kenefic says that the rate of women who die alone and sad because they refused to shave their armpits, legs, upper lip, or vagina is “nearing the point of 100%” in America, and is reaching dire levels in other countries as well.

“It used to be almost a European custom that women didn’t shave. Not their legs, their armpits, or their hairy bushes,” said Kenefic. “In the 1970s, it was a similar trend here in the United States. You can tell from our historical pornography that was made and filmed during that time period. Thankfully, sometime in the mid-1980s, men realized that a woman with a shaved pudenda was far more appealing and sexy, and it quickly became commonplace for women to take care of those nasty areas.”

Dr. Kenefic says that if a woman would like to remain happy, healthy, and getting regular meat injections, she should make sure to shave at least twice a week.

“Keep it trimmed, keep it bare, keep the hair down,” said Kenefic. “If you’re under the age of 40 and you’ve got hair growing anywhere other than your head, and you’re single, you now know why. If you’re not single, you should be aware that your significant other is most definitely cheating on you at any opportunity with a woman, or women, who have no hair.”

Jim Henson, Sesame Street To Release Books About Homosexuality For Children

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Jim Henson Productions, the company behind the long-running TV series Sesame Street, as well as the current popular sitcom The Muppets, is reportedly releasing a line of books aimed at children that will help them to better understand sexuality, gender, and bodily functions. The books will feature characters from Sesame Street, as well as other well-known Henson creations.

“We really think that kids should learn at a young age that it’s okay to be gay, and it’s okay to be different,” said Henson company spokesman Mary Clarke. “There’s nothing wrong with experimenting with your friends when your young, so we wrote a book about that, called Elmo Experiments, and its about Elmo learning about homosexuality while touching other Sesame characters. It’s all very normal.”

Normalcy is exactly what these books hope to explain, and that even “being different” in a current society is also a way of being normal.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay. There’s nothing wrong with being transgender. There’s nothing wrong with you no matter what you’re like,” said Clarke. “We want children to know that, and we want them to learn that the things they’re feeling and the things happening to their bodies, those are normal things.”

Other titles in the series will include Elmo Discovers His Anus, Bert and Ernie Take A Bath Together, Big Bird Wears A Dress, and Oscar The Grouch Gets An Old Fashioned From a Hooker.

“We also hope to release a series of books about bodily functions, such as Elmo Takes a Dump and That’s Okay; Big Bird Has To Piss; and Grover Grows Hair Down There,” said Clarke. “We think kids, and parents, will love them all.”

New Law To Force Pregnant ‘Juggalettes’ To Have Abortions; Gov’t Wants To Avoid Breeding New ICP Fans

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C –

A new law that would force pregnant fans of the rap group Insane Clown Posse, otherwise known as “Juggalettes,” to have abortions is striking a nerve with those who say it takes away their fundamental rights to listen to bad music.

“No one is out there, telling Kid Rock fans that they have to have abortions, and if ever there were an abomination of music, it’s Kid Rock,” said Juggalo Mike “Ballswrecka” Fleming. “I got mad clown love for my homie and bitch Tasty Flavamaka, and she’s pregnant with our fifth little little juggalo homie. Ain’t no muthafuckin government fascist telling me I can’t have more babies, bitch. Whoop Whoop.”

“We are within our legal right to force pregnant juggalos, or ‘juggalettes,’ as they call them, to get an abortion,” said White House spokesman Daniel Bond. “ICP followers, these clown thugs, they’re a gang, and gangs are not allowed to co-mingle. When you have a woman, who is an ICP fan for some reason, carrying a child who they plan to raise to also, ugh, be an ICP fan, then you’ve got two fans, and that’s a gathering. Gathering of gang members is forbidden by law.”

According to the new law, anyone who has ever been to a Gathering of the Juggalos event, or to an ICP concert, or who currently owns any ICP CDs or merchandise, will not be allowed to be pregnant.

“If you are pregnant currently and consider yourself an ICP fan, then you will be required to receive an abortion,” said Bond. “If you are too far along to have an abortion based on current state and federal laws, then you will be asked to give your baby up for adoption so that it may be raised in a healthy, happy environment.”

Young Girl Who Was Born Blind Has Eye Implants Donated From Pet Chicken

Posted on November 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNSTVILLE, Alabama –

Megan Clarke was born blind in both eyes, a rare condition doctors say was caused by a low dose of radiation from an X-ray her mother received before she knew she was pregnant.

“All Megan ever wanted from the time she could talk was to be able to see like the other kids, watch Dora The Explorer like the other kids, and look at the clouds and see shapes like the other kids,” said Megan’s mother, Marsha Clarke. “We thought for sure that Megan would be blind her entire life.”

Doctors say, though, that a generous donation of eyes from Megan’s pet chicken, Mrs. Cluckers, was able to help save the day.

“Mrs. Cluckers was a chicken that we got for Megan when she was 2,” said Marsha. “She never went anywhere with Mrs. Cluckers. It was cute, but slightly annoying. Chickens aren’t very clean animals. At any rate, Mrs. Cluckers had perfect 20/20 vision, so doctors swapped her eyes with Megan’s eyes.”

“Poor Mrs. Cluckers is now blind in both eyes, but Megan can see perfectly,” said surgeon Dr. Charles DeMar. “We had originally planned on just killing Mrs. Cluckers to use her eyes, but Megan said she’d rather stay blind than have Mrs. Cluckers be dead. So, we did what we thought was right, and we swapped their eyes.”

The operation reportedly took over 15 hours, but when it was completed, Megan had full vision in both eyes.

“It’s was a remarkable success,” said Marsha Clarke. “Sadly, Mrs. Cluckers will never be the same again. She wanders around now, just running into everything, and she looks creepy as hell with human eyes, but you know, Megan can see, and that’s all that matters.”