SHOCKING PHOTO: President Tries To Kill Stephen Hawking After Argument During White House Dinner

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama reportedly had to be pulled off of famed physicist Stephen Hawking after the two got into an altercation at the White House on Wednesday afternoon, say witnesses. According to other attendees, Obama and Hawking got into an argument about which movie was better, The Wiz or The Wizard of Oz.

“Everyone knows that President Obama is a massive fan of The Wiz,” said another guest at the dinner, who asked not to be named. “Somehow, when the topic of movies was brought up, Mr. Hawking began talking about his love of the character of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. As soon as he saw an opening, Obama, of course, brought up The Wiz. From there, all hell broke loose.”

Obama reportedly began lobbing insults at Hawking, calling him a “crippled piece of shit,” and a “movie snob” after Hawking begin talking about how terrible of a movie The Wiz is.

“It was pandemonium. The President actually jumped across the table and flung himself at Stephen, who of course could only yell electronically and blink his eyes in protest,” said another dinner guest. “The Secret Service had to pull President Obama off of poor Mr. Hawking. Sadly, I think they took him away and beat him up a little somewhere else, privately.”

No lawsuits have been filed, but attorneys for Stephen Hawking have a “serious case” against the president, as many witnesses saw the assault.

“Plus, everyone knows how bad The Wiz really is,” said attorney Joe Lean. “I can’t believe anyone would actually like that movie. No offense to the President, or anything.”

Baby Taken Into Police Custody After Killing, Eating Parents

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A 2-month old baby was taken into police custody after reportedly killing and eating its own parents in Boise, Idaho, say police. Sources inside the investigation say they are still trying to determine how, exactly, the baby was able to kill his parents – Kathy and Michael Davidson, both 30 – and eat them without anyone hearing cries for help.

Rosie Jenkins, a neighbor, who asked not to be identified, said that she heard the baby laughing for quite a while, but she didn’t hear anyone playing with him or talking back.

“The baby’s name is Jarod,” said Ms. Jenkins. “And he always seemed like such a happy baby. I am so shocked and surprised at this turn of events, because normally a baby so happy like that doesn’t turn to violence until much, much later. And to have eaten his own parents! My God, it’s crazy. That’s the world we live in now, I guess. You never know someone until they’re being arrested.”

“This whole thing is a real mystery,” said Boise police chief Mark Hall. “I’ve been on the force over 20 years, and never have a seen a baby act this violently. The scene – the house, the tables, the walls, even the baby – they were all covered in blood and gore. It was a disaster.”

Police say that they are struggling to question the 2-month old, as of right now, Jarod doesn’t speak. They say that they plan to keep him in a holding cell until such time as he learns to talk, and then they plan to try and question him again.

‘Clock Kid’ Mad 15 Minutes of Fame Is Over, Says He’s Thinking Of New Scam To Get Back On TV

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Ahmed Mohammed, the kid who built a hoax bomb and brought it to school and became an international celebrity after he was arrested, gave an interview with a local Dallas news station saying he was “extremely upset” that people had forgotten about him already, and that he didn’t expect that his “15 minutes of fame” would be over so quickly.

“I built that fake bomb – er, I mean, I built that clock and brought it to school, and the whole world went nuts,” said Mohammed, standing next to his father, Mohammed Mohammed. “Now it would seem that people have forgotten about me, and it’s only been a few weeks. My family and I, we can’t not be in the spotlight, so we are coming up with a new scam, er, I mean, a new plan, to have people talking about us again.”

Mohammed was arrested after he brought a hoax bomb to school. Many people were upset because he was arrested, although those people generally didn’t read past headlines, and never knew that Mohammed’s arrest actually came about because the “clock” was clearly a hoax bomb, which is a crime to carry. Mohammed himself even admitted in interviews that he knew the device “looked sketchy.”

“The clock thing got me some cool gear, and some cool trips, and I even got to meet terrorist leader!” said Mohammed. “Now, though, my family’s spotlight is fading, so we’re figuring out a way to get back on people’s radar. Our first step is to sue the school and town for $15 million dollars.”

Mohammed Mohammed, Ahmed’s father, agreed that something “would have to be done” to keep his family from fading into obscurity like they so rightly deserve to do.

‘Anonymous’ Hackers Arrested In Sting Opperation

Posted on November 24, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A US Department of Justice and FBI sting of a group of apartments in downtown Boston yesterday yielded the arrests of a reported 24 members of the hacking group ‘Anonymous,’ who in this case, turned out to be anything but.

“Anonymous hackers have been bombarding Twitter with account information of supposed terrorists – whether they be ISIS or otherwise related – in hopes of having them [the accounts] removed,” said Federal Agent Richard Gill. “In those takedown requests, several members of the group left key information about their location, and we were able to track their whereabouts and make the arrest.”

Although support for Anonymous has been at an all-time high after the group declared war on terrorists who use the internet to coordinate their attacks and pass along information, the FBI and other government agencies still list Anonymous themselves as a terrorist group.

“Hackers penetrate and ravage delicate public and privately owned computer systems, infecting them with viruses, and stealing information for their own ends,” said Gill. “These people, they’re terrorists.”

With an estimated half a million people on the internet claiming to be part of Anonymous or an avid supporter of the group, the arrest of 24 people – aged 19 to 38 – seems small in the grand scheme of things, although Agent Gill says it’s a “great start.”

“Naturally we know that we will never be able to arrest every member of Anonymous, and even if we could, a new generation of tech-enthusiasts would pop up in their place, but we need to put a stop to hacking, as much as possible,” said Gill. “Maybe it’s a war we can’t win, but hey, we’ve been uselessly fighting the war on drugs for decades, so why not the war on hackers, too?”

9/11 Mastermind Escapes From Guantanamo Bay Prison, Country On High Alert

Posted on November 24, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba –

Although many people associate Osama Bin Laden as the “mastermind” behind the 9/11 attacks, another name may be slightly less recognized, although equally as important in the history of the crime: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Mohammed has been commonly referred to as the “principal architect” of the 9/11 attacks on the United States, and was arrested by the US government after confessing to his role at the end of 2003. Sources at Guantanamo are now saying, though, that Mohammed has escaped from prison, and that he is likely headed back to U.S. soil.

“During these times of violent terrorist attacks, which are happening more frequently throughout the world, many citizens of the United States are naturally very worried,” said Department of Justice spokesman Carl Reiner. “With the escape of Khalid Mohammed, they should be extremely worried, as despite his old, feeble, mind and tortured, weakened body from years of abuse in Guantanamo, he is still a terrorist mastermind, and we are all on high alert.”

According to the DOJ, Mohammed has “every intention” of continuing his reign of terror on the United States, as he was a confessed war criminal, responsible for the 9/11 attacks, the World Trade Center bombing, the Richard Reid shoe bombing, and many other crimes against the United States and other countries.

“He was facing the death penalty, and he knew it,” said Reiner. “He was appealing his conviction, but there was no way a group of American citizens, military or otherwise, would ever let him live. He was scared, and he ran. We cannot, at this time, discuss the circumstances surrounding his escape, but we caution that people should be on high alert, and watch out for anyone fitting Mohammed’s description.”

Khalid Mohammed is described as “looks like he’s an old, Muslim terrorist,” despite having been born in Kuwait and not being a Muslim.

“Frankly, we’re aware Americans can’t tell the difference between a real terrorist and the guy who runs their local 7-11, so just be aware, and be vigilant,” said Reiner.

Wal-Mart Says They Are Canceling All Black Friday Sales, Events

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc., the world’s largest retailer, has announced – very last minute – that they will be pulling out of Black Friday sales and events, and will be closed on Thanksgiving, with stores reopening at 8am on Friday morning.

“We will not have the major sales this year, and we are hoping that other stores will follow suit,” said Wal-Mart CEO Tim Brown. “Over the years, we’ve had fights, guns, deaths, trampled customers, and more, and we are sick of it. This year, we are closing on Thanksgiving, paying all of our employees for the day off, and then come Friday, we will open back up at our regular time of 8am. No deals, nothing extra, just our normal rollback, everyday savings.”

Many customers who already had their Black Friday shopping routes mapped out were more than outraged, taking to social media to call the company out for not allowing them to shop.

“This is some serious bullshit, @Walmart,” tweeted user @ShopAHo-Lick. “I needed me some shoes, some DVDs, and I was gonna get me that tablet. Fuck you Walmart. I be at @Target.”

“I really was hoping to get the new Roku box for cheap, but I guess I’ll just pay normal price for it,” said Facebook user Mark Moore. “This is insane. How can I save money at Walmart if they won’t just open on Thanksgiving and let me gorge out on savings and deals? I guess I won’t be going into debt again this year. You greedy bastards.”

Wal-Mart says that a little customer anger is nothing compared to the long-term effects of pulling out of Black Friday sales.

“They’ll still shop with us, what choice do they even have?” said Brown.

Scientists Baffled Over Chicken That Can Talk, But Only Speaks In Racial Epithets

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at Harvard Medical School say they are “baffled” by a chicken that was left on their campus by an unknown person. The chicken, which is of the average, normal-looking variety, has a very bizarre trait, though – this chicken can talk.

“Black people are a disgrace, especially black men. They just get arrested, make babies, run out on their families, and get arrested again,” said the chicken, which confusingly speaks only in racist epithets. “Keep refugees out of this country. Foreigners are a plight, and they’ll raise taxes and get free health care! Goddamn you, Obama!”

“It’s really a mystery where this chicken came from,” said head researcher Dr. Martin Chome. “Well, it’s not a mystery that the chicken came from an extremely right-wing home, with a definite bigoted, republican owner. We are baffled, though, at how it is that he came to speak, in perfect English, and only when saying something extraordinarily racist.”

When the chicken is not speaking, it clucks and bobs its head, like any other chicken you would see that was not already laying on your dinner plate. Whenever it raises its head to speak, though, it becomes cruel and vile.

“I hate Mexicans, and they should build a big fucking wall to keep all those dirty spics in their own country,” said the chicken. “Jews are nasty. The holocaust was amazing, and I wish it was still going on. 6 million Jews? Nigga, please. They kill 6 million chickens every day, you don’t see my crying about it. Pansies.”

Researchers say that they will continue to look into the amazing origins of the chicken for a little longer, but they are planning on plucking him and eating her very, very soon.

Man Finds Single Sperm Measuring Over 2 Inches In Semen

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Carlton Moore, 38, says that he masturbates just like a normal guy – at least twice a day – but was extremely startled last week when a normal rub-n-tug caused him to ejaculate, shooting out a single sperm measuring over 2 inches in length.

“It was mind-boggling, really,” said Moore. “I swear, I thought when I came, I shot out some kind of dick tapeworm or something. Scared the ever living shit out of me. I collected it in a little jar I had, and brought it to the doctor.”

Moore was surprised to find when he brought in the specimen that it was, indeed, just an extremely large sperm.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this,” said Moore’s physician, Dr. James Baker. “Individual sperm are regularly microscopic, and hundreds of thousands to millions of the little guys are shot out during each ejaculation. In Moore’s case, he ejaculated, and it was just one big one. It’s really very curious, medically speaking.”

Moore has said that he has been consistently masturbating ever since, trying to replicate the sperm, but so far, no luck.

“I’ve been having several great days in a row here, that’s for sure. My arm is getting a little tired, but it looks buff,” said Moore. “I’m also more relaxed than I’ve ever been in my life. Here’s hoping the doctors can figure out what this all means, but in the mean time, I’m going to keep trying. Just glad that I wasn’t getting oral sex at the time this happened. Gross!”

Scientists Engineer Square Apples To Aid In Shipping, Storage Problems

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ORCHARD CITY, Maine –

Everyone loves apples, especially during the fall season. The biggest concern, though, especially for the transportation and grocery industries is how to store an abundance of fresh picked apples. Engineers in Maine may have figured out a possible cure to this age-old headache.

“For years, apples were shipped in giant barrels, but they often tumbled out, causing loss or damaged products,” said Mark Jones, a GMO scientist based in Maine. “We found a way to make the apples grow to be square, which will make it much, much easier to transport and store these apples. The great thing is, they taste just as great.”

Jones said that the grocery industry is particularly interested in the product, as they often have to throw food away after it rolled to the floor.

“I’m so happy to see a new, genetically altered food like this,” said Jim Carlson, a grocery store franchisee for Kroger in Mississippi. “We constantly have to throw away damaged fruits, because we pile them up, and they roll out, or customers let them fall. This will definitely help to resolve a waste issue.”

Jone said he and his team are currently at work on making square oranges, peaches, grapes, and plums.

Land O’ Lakes To Release Butter In New, Odd Stick Form

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Land O’ Lakes, a dairy company well known for their butter and margarine products, has said that they plan on releasing a new type of butter in a stick, with a twisting end, much like a giant glue stick that children use in school.

“Butter is a super, duper, pain in the you know what to cut and spread,” said Lakes spokesman Burt Honey. “You cut it and go to put it on your bread, and it’s hard, and it just tears the bread in two. You try and melt it a bit, and its too soft, and then you’ve got soggy, nasty bread. This product solves everything.”

Honey says that Land O Lakes has been working on the project secretly for over 20 years, as they didn’t want to “give away trade butter secrets,” but plan to release the item in the spring, just in time for what they refer to as “toast season.”

“Toast season is, generally, March through May, and that’s the time of year where people eat the most toasted bread,” said Honey. “We are extremely excited to have this new product out in time for toast season. We know people will love it.”