Facebook To Allow Pornographic Videos, Images To Be Uploaded By Adult Users

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PALO ALTO, California –

Facebook announced via memo this morning that they would begin allowing users who were over the age of 18 to upload pornographic and nude videos and images, a complete 180-degree turn from their previous stance on keeping their community nudity-free.

“We haven’t completely changed our stance on the matter, but we understand that people want to be able to upload things to our server, the largest photo and video website in the world, without fear of their content being flagged or removed,” said Facebook spokesman George Glass. “Starting on November 1st, we are implementing a new feature that will allow users who are over 18 to upload images and videos that previously would not have been allowed.”

Glass says that the service will automatically block people whose accounts are listed at under 18 from seeing the content, regardless of sharing status by the poster.

“We don’t want kids exposed to anything that might be considered pornographic, but at the same time, we know our adult users love some good T&A once in awhile,” said Glass. “We are rolling out this feature bit by bit, and everyone will have the ability to upload sexier, dirtier pictures by the beginning of next year.”

PETA To Be Added To FBI Watch List Of Gangs, Hate Groups

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Following in the footsteps of the Bloods, The Cripps, and Juggalos, the animal rights group PETA has officially been added to the gang watch list at the FBI. According to a Bureau spokesperson, the PETA agency has been on their radar for years as a potential hate group, but it was only recently that it was decided they should be added officially.

“If we are going to consider a group like the Juggalos a gang, then we have to have PETA members be a part of this as well,” said FBI spokesperson Denise Johnson. “PETA are more violent, more dangerous, and full of more lies and deceit than nearly any other gang we deal with. Whereas the Bloods may be violent in the open, PETA are a group of seriously deranged individuals who will stop at nothing to fight for their cause, breaking whatever laws and spouting whatever lies they need to in order to gain supporters.”

The FBI claims that over the years, PETA has been responsible for violent and hateful acts, including riots, protests, physical assaults, and at least 2 deaths.

“The group, known to the public, mostly, as a group campaigning for animal rights, have long been know to have resorted to hypocritical, and often evil, methods of operation,” said Johnson. “From here on out, they will be watched very closely.”

The FBI says that PETA members will no longer be able to congregate in groups over 3, and that they must refrain from using their cause as a way of approaching civilians on the street.

Company Rents Out Children to Couples Who Are Considering Parenthood

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALTON, Minnesota –

A small Minnesota town is making national headlines this week after the Associated Press learned that a local Planned Parenthood facility was renting out babies and young children to couples who were deciding on whether or not to start families of their own.

According to reports, the New Beginnings Clinic in Dalton started a program where, for a fee, couples could ‘lease’ a child for a short period of time to better familiarize themselves with what being parents would be like. The program director, Gail Levesque, says that since the program started last October, many couples were able to decide positively if they wanted a future that included children.

“The support has been wonderful,” said Levesque. “The entire community really understands what we’re doing, and many families have helped by loaning to us their babies and toddlers so these couples could really see what life is like with a child. We always split the rental fee with the family who was gracious enough to lend us their precious bundle of joy.”

Levesque says that couples looking to rent a child from them go through extensive background and criminal checks, as well as drug testing. After all reports come in, then – and only then – will the clinic approve the request for loan. The fee to rent a baby for a week begins at $400. The longest they allow you to keep the child is 9 weeks, for an even $2500.

“It’s a small fee to pay to really understand what being a parent is like,” said Levesque. “So many of our couples who have chosen not to start families after their rental period really thank us for showing them a possible future. They are more than happy to have spent only $400 for a week with a baby to know that they couldn’t possibly handle 18 years of the same things.”

“It worked out really great for my me and my husband,” said Amber Perry, a mother of a 2-year-old boy. “We wanted to take a vacation to Palm Springs, and bringing along a small child would be such a hassle. We didn’t have any family to take him in, so we loaned him to New Beginnings. They gave us $200 up-front for the use of our child, so we got to have some extra fun on our vacation!”

“We’re trying to help people really plan for parenthood,” said Levesque. “I think that we’re accomplishing that very well.”

Major Dairies Recall Millions Of Gallons Of Milk After Shocking Find By FDA

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The FDA has reportedly ordered a recall over over 200 million gallons of milk released by several major, national dairy brands after their product tested positive for human semen.

“During a normal, routine check by members of the FDA, we found that at not one, not two, but five major milk processing plants, the product was positive for containing human semen,” said FDA spokesmen Joe Goldsmith. “Normally, the FDA allows for some contamination to take place for products labeled for human consumption, but we do draw the line at this level of contaminants.”

Goldsmith says that he is “not at liberty” to divulge which companies were part of the recall, but said that he could say that the amount of semen found was “unsettling.”

“For us to even catch this level of contamination, it had to be an obscene amount,” said Goldsmith. “And remember, too, that this was not just at one location by one company. This was at several locations owned by 5 major dairy brands. This was a lot of employees with a lot of built-up sexual tension, here.”

Goldsmith says there is no way of knowing how many contaminated products had gone out, or for how long the semen may have been showing up in the milk.

Hydrox To Sue Oreo Over Copyright Infringement, Claims Company Copied Their Cookies

Posted on October 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Hydrox, the cookie company that’s flagship product is the black, chocolate cookie with the white creme center, was invented in 1908, and was originally made by the Sunshine Cookie Company. Almost 5 years later, in 1912, Oreo was invented, and despite ripping off Hydrox completely, the company went on to be the bigger seller, convincing the world that Hydrox was the “generic” or rip-off company.

Papers filed today in the Massachusetts courts prove that Hydrox is finally stepping up to the cookie plate, as it were, as they plan to sure the Oreo Cookie company for copyright infringement and design theft.

“Hydrox has been making our cookies since the dawn of the 20th century,” said Hydrox spokesman Roy Charles. “Oreo has as well, but we were still first. It’s taken us a long time to get to this point, but we just needed time to build our case. Now is the time.”

Charles says that Hydrox is prepared to sue Oreo for $4.5 million, which is equivalent to only one year’s grosses of Oreo’s cookie empire.

“They have had over 100 years worth of sales, and every one of those hundred years, we took a beating,” said Charles. “We feel it’s time that Oreo put on their big-boy pants, pour a tall glass of milk, and admit they stole our cookie. The world needs to know that we were first and, frankly, we’re the better cookie.”

Representatives for Oreo could not be reached for comment.

Marlboro To Release Marijuana Cigarette Packs In Colorado, Washington D.C.

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

Finally catching up to the fake images that have been floating around the internet for years, Philip-Morris, the makers of Marlboro cigarettes, have announced that they are actually releasing packs of marijuana cigarettes in markets where the drug has been legalized for recreational use.

“We have been watching the sales of marijuana in Colorado for over a year now, and the numbers are staggering,” said Philip-Morris spokesman Jim Bean. “We know that there have been fake pictures of a Marlboro marijuana cigarette that have been floating around online for years, and we can honestly say that now, the debunking can stop. We’re getting in on this, and we’re going to get in huge.”

Philip-Morris reportedly obtained the necessary permits from the U.S. Government, and plan to start manufacturing the cigarettes as early as December.

“We know that pot heads love their weed, and we know that they like to buy in bulk, and that’s why we’re making this convenient and easy and putting them in packs, just like our regular cigarettes,” said Bean. “The great thing is, we have been looking for a way to make a ‘safer’ cigarette for years, and we’ve lied many times about the harmful effects of cigarettes. But now, we can finally say that we’ve got a safer alternative to smoking cigarettes – Marlboro Marijuana cigarettes!”

Burger King Announces Thanksgiving Whopper Coming In November

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

Burger King has announced this morning that, thanks in large part to the incredible response to their ‘Halloween Whopper,’ they would be releasing a follow-up speciality burger in the form of their new Thanksgiving Whopper.

The burger, which is said to be the traditional burger, but featuring toppings including turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and french fried onions, is set to go on sale in select markets next week, and will officially launch November 10th.

“We are really, really excited for people to try this new Thanksgiving Whopper,” said Burger King CEO Chris Murphy. “The Halloween Whopper was a hauntingly good idea, and it was a smashing success. We hope that the Thanksgiving Whopper gains equal traction and that consumers love it.”

Murphy says that if the burger does well, they may consider continuing with specialty burgers each holiday, including a Christmas Whopper, a New Year’s Eve Whopper, and a Civil Rights Day Whopper, among others.

There is currently no word on what color your poop will be after eating the Thanksgiving Whopper.

Verizon Wireless Says Service Will Go Down For Scheduled Maintenance Nov. 1 – Nov. 30

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LANSING, Virginia –

Verizon Wireless, the nation’s largest cell phone carrier, announced today that it would be shutting down its network for the month of November for a slew of upgrades and maintenance to its vast array of towers throughout the country.

“We completely understand the issues this may cause, but at the same time, we receive massive complaints about our speeds and dead zones,” said Verizon CEO Mark Rodgers. “Although we would love to not have to take the entire network offline, it will make it easier for our technicians to work on the equipment. Come December 1st, we’ll be back up and running and faster and stronger than ever.”

Many customers have already complained to Verizon, saying that they will switch to a new carrier if left without service for a month, but Rodgers said he isn’t worried.

“Who are they going to switch to? T-Mobile? AT&T? Please, those companies are shit, and they know it,” said Rodgers. “They’ll stick it out with us, and in the end, they’ll be happy they did.”

Rodgers says that Verizon will not be pro-rating any charges for the downtime; customers will be expected to pay their bill in full for the month of November as normal.

Walt Disney’s Cryogenically Frozen Body To Be ‘Thawed’ Next Year on 50-Year Anniversary Of Death

Posted on October 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

In 1966, one of the most famous men of the modern era passed away from lung cancer. Walt Disney is universally known for his animation and film studio, which over the years has provided many beloved children’s films.

When he died, Disney was one of the wealthiest men in the world. His final wishes were to have his body cryogenically frozen and placed in a vault underneath Cinderella’s castle in Disney World. According to his will, it was set to be kept there for 50 years, and at that point he wanted to be ‘thawed’ out.

“We have denied the rumors for many years, but it is true that Walt Disney had himself cryogenically frozen and placed under the castle,” said Walt Disney World president Marc Jacobs. “It was Mr. Disney’s wish that on the 50th anniversary of his death, we unfreeze him, and attempt to revive his body.”

According to Disney’s will, he chose the 50th anniversary of his death, because he believed that would be ample time for doctors to have cured lung cancer.

“Of course, sadly for him, Mr. Disney was wrong, and there is still no cure for cancer,” said Jacobs. “On the plus side, though, doctors have been able to do full lung transplants, so when we revive him, it’s possible that he could live with a new set of lungs. We have really high hopes that the procedure will be a success.”

The plan from the Walt Disney Company is to thaw Disney’s frozen body on December 15th, 2016, exactly 50 years since his death.

“We hav

KFC Chicken Farmer Says Company Forced Him To Raise ‘Mutated Birds’

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LINCOLN, Iowa –

An anonymous chicken farmer in Iowa has come forward this week, claiming that KFC, the world’s largest fast food chicken restaurant chain, has been paying him for years to raise “mutated chickens,” including ones that have multiple heads, extra legs, and some that have 6 or 7 wings.

“Years ago, a man came to visit me at my home, and asked if I wanted to raise chickens for KFC,” said the farmer, who wishes to remain anonymous. “I said ‘sure,’ and we settled on a specific payment that I’d like to not disclose. Anyway, some time went by, and the man came back. He brought with him a very odd type of feed, and told me to start giving it to the chickens.”

The farmer says that for the last 3 years, KFC has been paying him and delivering this “mystery feed,” which he says it what is causing all the mutations.

“They’re giving me little black pellets to feed the chickens, I don’t know what they are,” said the Farmer. “Curiously, though, neither the man who originally visited me, nor anyone else from KFC, has come to collect the mutated chickens. They do come and take the regular ones that I also raise, but the mutated ones just stay here until they die. I wish I knew more about their plans, but it seems that maybe they just want me to raise some fucked up looking chickens just for fun.”

KFC was not reached out to for comment.