Rate of School Shootings Down As Sales Of Metal Albums, Video Games Continue To Increase

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Good news for concerned parents, and great news for fans of certain types of entertainment. The rate of school shootings are reportedly decreasing across the country, while sales of all forms of metal music, as well as violent video games, continue to rise. The data presents the most damning evidence to date that aggressive music and gameplay don’t have a thing to do with violence among youth.

“We noticed the greater intervals between tragic shootings, and decided to look for data which might correlate,” said head researcher Karen Heilbrun. “Of course, we checked video game sales and metal album charting first – what emerged is the report we’ve presented, and I believe it confirms what many teens already knew, and their parents couldn’t be bothered to listen about – violent forms of entertainment don’t harm anyone.”

The music and virtual gaming industries have quickly embraced the findings, releasing press statements and marketing campaigns promoting how ‘extra violent’ or ‘extra loud’ they may be.

“I’m kind of disappointed to find out that none of those school shootings they blamed me for had anything to do with me,” said shock-rocker Marilyn Manson. “I mean, I certainly didn’t set out to cause anyone any harm, I’m just a performer. But once you start hearing something enough, you get to believing it. Turns out that music has nothing to do with kids killing other kids.”

While authorities are gathering to discuss what steps – if any – to take in response to the report, steadfast fans of the affected genres have vowed to remain loyal.

“We will stand for the cause of heavy metal until the end,” shouted Garth Sality, leader of fan group Heavy Metal Loves Us on Facebook. “Even if we have to die for it! Metal and video games go together like peas and carrots, and it has never been more apparent that those things are just entertainment, and nothing more.”

Members of the National Rifle Association have been especially vocal in their anger at these findings.

“Guns don’t kill people, heavy metal kills people!” said modern-day Moses, Christian Bale. “These findings will only make it more difficult for people to buy guns. With heavy metal and video games as scapegoats for gun crimes, there was someone to blame. Now they’ll go back to blaming the guns themselves. My God, they’ll probably even start blaming the person doing the shooting!”

#TheDress: Neuroscientists Say People Who See White, Gold Have Mental Deficiencies

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a follow-up study after last week’s #TheDress controversy, neuroscientists have confirmed that people who saw white and gold, as opposed to the dress’s true colors of black and blue, have important mental deficiencies. The reason that these individuals – about 26% of those surveyed – see the wrong colors, is that their brains are not adaptable enough to note subtle changes in a photograph’s hemispheric hue.

“This goes a long way to explaining the huge deficit between sectors of the world’s functioning population,” said head researcher, Dr. Larry Thoreaux. “Those we term ‘team white-and-gold’ are not intellectually crippled in such a way as to be clinically retarded or unable to carry out everyday tasks. However, they can be routinely expected to perform poorly in arguments, have only minimal career success, and be severely irritating by remaining stubborn in believing delusional realities.”

The discoveries have resulted in debates about #TheDress once again breaking out in full force, with team white-and-gold especially vehement.

“Scientists are holding our society for ransom!” shouted one deluded fool.

“They’re as wrong about this as they are about that dress being blue and white!” boomed another, confusingly.

“Never believe what you read!” was a third’s insistence, at which point we stopped listening to their ramblings.

Members of team blue-and-black – the correct, well-adapted majority – were circumspect and straightforward in response.

“We’ve seen the actual dress, in person, and it is blue and black,” said a non-mentally deficient individual. “Those who do not accept that reality are deluded, and we pity them. Science is pointing us towards technological and biological development and must not be underestimated, even if these poor fools are mentally unable to accept the truth.”

At time of press, our offices have erupted into fearsome fighting, with mentally deficient colleagues screaming irrational sentiments and flinging chairs around at their smarter (and coincidentally better looking) co-workers.

3-Year-Old Boy Runs Into Grandmother’s Burning Apartment Complex, Saves Peppa Pig DVDs

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BUNSONTOWN, Indiana –

Three-Year-Old toddler Kain Harrison of Bunsontown, Indiana is being hailed as a hero after courageously running into a burning Woody Acres apartment complex to wake his 52-year-old grandmother, Sandra Clemens, who was asleep during the blaze.

Witnesses say the boy had been playing outside in the snow, building an igloo with three homeless men, when they noticed smoke pouring from the roof of the building in which he had been staying with his grandmother. Harrison had been staying at the home following his mother’s arrest for possession and intent to distribute heroin inside an elementary school.

Leroy Johnson, 62, one of the homeless men the boy had befriended, said that once everybody saw smoke and flames, they knew it was too late to run inside.

“I been on this here Earth for a long time, longer than I can remember, and I never seen anything like that in my damn life!” Johnson said. “That little Kain, I tell ya that boy is something else, you know like Batman or something. It is not normal. Anyway Lil K-Roo took off running and we just let him go. He ran inside, at this point the flames were flying out the damn windows, so we thought, well he is cooked.”

“Few minutes go by, and then I tell ya, by the grace of the good Lord up in the mountains, here he comes strutting out, an armful of DVDs,” said the other homeless man, Gary Shidder. “For real, he ran in there and got his damned ole Peppa Pig DVDs. That boy is something else, he derserves a Purple Heart or something ya know?” Johnson said as he remained engaged in describing the wild scene.

Police say that Clemens, who was a sound sleeper, was not able to make it out of the apartment, and was killed. The Peppa Pig DVDs were saved, and according to reports, still play fine.

Hurricane Escobar, Winter Storm Uteri Will Collide Causing Catastrophic Storm Next Week

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

The storm coming up from the south will hit Florida and Alabama, and is set to continue moving Northeast all the way to Maine. Bread and milk prices expected to soar dramatically.

GULF SHORES, Alabama –

Professor and Chief Scientific Meteorologist, Christian Cumulus, of Louisiana State University, as well as scientists at the National Weather Service of Central Florida, have confirmed the “utmost likelihood” of a potentially fierce storm in the Western Hemisphere, very likely the worst in over 500 years.

Cumulus says that the storm will come to fruition when expected Level-4 Hurricane Escobar and its frigid air counterpart, Winter Storm Uteri, are aligned for a massive collision headed straight for Gulf Shores, Alabama and will be affecting all major cities in the surrounding areas, and will possibly continue up through the Northeast, all the way to Maine.

“This is without a doubt the most aggressive combination of two split-season storms I have not only ever seen in my 35-year career in meteorology, but also that anyone has ever encountered in this field of study,” said Cumulus. “This storm will be absolutely catastrophic, with the high risk of significant loss of property, and possibly life, in all of Gulf, as well as the entire Eastern United States. Please, stock up on water and food, especially bread and milk, and stay safe.”

“Based on all 7 models, we expected the Frankenstein-like storm to crash into state-side sometime early next week. It is with every bit of my professional being that I encourage all citizens to abandon their homes and head North-West,” Said Weather Service researcher Miles Nimbus. “Just thinking of the devastation which is sure to occur worries me immensely, please prepare yourselves. Stock up on bread and milk, and get yourselves out of the path of the storm.”

The National Weather Service of Huntsville, in Alabama, has also released a statement, saying that residents should take the professional’s advice and head North. A conference is being planned for sometime later this week in which strict guidelines will be released to citizens.

“We don’t want anyone to panic, but we don’t want you to know what’s coming,” said Alabama Governor Skip Altostratus. “Please, wait for our instructions, and remain calm. Visit your local stores to stock up on bread and milk, and know that your local government agencies are working hard to prepare everyone for a potential catastrophe.”

U.S. Government Finally Finds Loophole to Justify Banning Cigarettes

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The compassionate, good-natured United States government has been seeking a way to justly ban cigarettes from the country for decades. Cigarettes cause an astronomical amount of preventable deaths, health problems, and annoyances, as well as form addictions and drain the pockets of many citizens. Despite this, they have remained an integral part of the nation’s identity, primarily because the general population is too ignorant and arrogant to understand or admit to the faults of this drug.

Finally, as of January 1^st, 2016, cigarettes will be completely banned from the country.

“The answer was right in front of our face the whole time,” a New York congressman said. “To be honest, it’s kind of embarrassing that it took this long to find it.”

The justification behind the bill came from the recent wave of heroin legalizations. By replacing the tobacco industry with the heroin industry, the government’s profit is expected to not only remain stable but possibly increase. Additionally, people who are currently addicted to cigarettes may be able to assuage their withdrawals by becoming addicted to a new drug.

“The fact that we were killing hundreds of thousands of people and generally making life more miserable never really mattered,” the congressman added. “It was really all about the money and making sure no one important lost any votes. I mean, we’re still going to be killing a lot of people this way, but at least we can win over the anti-tobacco camp.”

Government officials are still discussing how to transition into a heroin-run nation smoothly and without destroying any jobs.

Homeless Waitress Receives $1 Million Dollar Tip

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

Heartwarming scenes took place earlier today at a Denny’s in San Francisco, where a waitress was left a $1 million dollar tip by an anonymous philanthropist. The patron seemingly took note of Miss Debra Warding’s shabby appearance, realizing that she is homeless, and took matters into his own hands.

“We’re all very excited for Debra,” said branch manager, Tony Mascherano. “She deserves to have something good in her life because, let’s be honest, she’s a total mess. Maybe she can finally get her disgusting face sorted out and possibly wash her damn apron and shirt.”

Other coworkers were just as effusive with their sympathetic joy at their colleague’s luck.

“One million dollars,” gasped Monica Tripp continuously. “What a lucky bitch – oh, that’s my term of affection for her. Bitch. She can buy herself some friends now, at least!”

“The poor girl,” Sandra Dee moaned. “She has nothing – no family, no joy, no good looks or personality traits. If anyone needed this, it’s her. And the rest of us – we’re going to be rid of her putrid stench…which we’re all going to miss. Of course.”

Other customers at the fast food joint were no less touched, with many of them bursting into tears and rushing out of the restaurant, never to return. One, however, has taken inspiration from the formerly down-and-out woman.

“I’m becoming a waiter,” Dan Lewin said as he ripped holes in his clothing. “I’m moving out of my house and I’m going to live on the street for a bit. Debra has set a very humble example, and I’m going to follow it until I get as lucky as she did.”

What is perhaps even more moving is that a trainee waiter had something to do with Debra’s good fortune.

“I gave the guy the idea,” Stan Patel told us. “I even gave him the one million dollar bill that he left for her. I guess I reckoned someone would have figured out the joke by now, I mean hell, it was a million dollar bill. Do those even exist? Shit, watching this play out is far more rewarding than I could have imagined.”

Delta Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Large, ‘Phablet’ Phones

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Delta Airlines has announced that from the beginning of April, large “phablet” smartphones will have to be checked in with luggage. This will mean that owners of iPhone 6+ and Samsung Galaxy Notes will have to forego the offline capabilities that their phones offer, which are especially useful on flights.

Delta CEO, Richard H Anderson, explained the reasons for the drastic measure.

“Smartphones are simply getting too big,” he told a press conference. “If we don’t start implementing restrictions now, it will soon be too late, and even more damage will be caused to the unrealistic expectations our passengers already have.”

Another reason, given by security expert John Penn, is that these phablets may have capabilities which could be a risk factor to other passengers.

“They’re perfect for terrorism,” Penn said. “They’re big, so therefore you can fit a lot of information on them. Maybe you could even hide a knife, or explosives, inside the device. Yup, big means more things,” he continued, in response to a challenge as to his previous assertion. “We all know that’s why desktop computers can have more data, and iPads can hold more than iPhones. That’s how it works, and nothing you say can change my opinion.”

Many frequent flyers of Delta Airlines have been left fuming at the company’s decision.

“They can’t do this to us!” said Paul Herrera. “I need my iPhone on a flight. How else am I going to watch YouTube clips of cute babies, and read blogs telling me how to be a better person. I’ll never be a better person!”

Some, however, are pleased about the new regulations.

“Ugh, I hate phablets on airplanes,” Todd Toddster told us. “People always walk through the aisles, carrying them on their backs, knocking into other passengers left right and center. And then they squeeze into a seat next to you, with that f***ing device poking you in the eye, and not allowing you to sleep. They’re worse than crying babies.”

Crying babies are reportedly the next item that, in the future, will need to be checked when flying.

Wendy’s Announces Merger With Burger King, Plans To Surpass McDonald’s As #1 Fast Food Joint

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CHARMING, North Dakota –

In business news, Wendy’s has announced an impending merger with Burger King, in a bid to surpass McDonald’s as the biggest fast food franchise in the world. The move could spell an end to McDonald’s global hold over the industry, finally providing equal competition to the major corporation.

“We’re very excited about the future,” said Wendy’s CEO Emil Brolick. “I can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong with a conglomeration which will have the grilled, fried, toasted options all available in one quick drive-thru. Things are looking up.”

Executives at McDonald’s, however, maintain that the two rival chains are bluffing, trying to force their hands in “some perverted attempt at bringing us down. They’ve worked hard over the decades to take over, and this is just the latest attempt. I can tell you, they’ve asked us to relinquish our presence in certain states and countries in order to stop this disastrous merger. We’re gonna call their bluff.”

Industry insiders fear that open warfare may ensue.

“Unless they come to some sort of deal, who knows what could happen,” said analyst, Tracy Kaufman. “The title of King won’t scare McDonald’s, though. Ronald is a tough guy but also diplomatic. He’ll try sanctions and boycotts before things get too heated in their respective kitchens.”

Brolick hit back at what he called “the doubters,” releasing a proposed schedule for the stages of the merger, projecting finalisation already by the end of 2015. “This is really happening. It’s time for King Wendy – or Wendy’s King, we haven’t worked out all the finer points yet – to reign. His majesty’s rule will benefit not only America but the entire world. We’ll be free from the dictatorship of that insane clown for once and for all.”

New Military Rules Mandate Only Accepting Recruits Born Without Hair

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

New US military rules mandate that only new recruits born without hair will be accepted into the defense force. This comes as an advancement on the long-running condition of all soldiers having their heads shaved on entry, which research has shown to be a positive measure of effectiveness. The move has raised concerns that recruitment rates will drop dramatically, with hundreds or even thousands of applicants being rejected.

“It’s going to tear our military to shreds,” said former General Robert Martins. “I know how important hairlessness is in fighting wars. Hell, only those without hair make it anyway in the army. But we still need the standard soldiers to fill the ranks, even if they’re not the most committed or efficient.”

Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, has moved swiftly to calm fears, announcing that proactive steps will be taken to ensure that military numbers are not affected by the latest rulings.

“There are still kinks to be fine-tuned,” he said in an address to congress. “We’ve found that one hairless soldier is as effective as five soldiers who come in with hair. As such, numbers are not an issue. Furthermore, other regulations, set to be implemented from March, will reinstate the draft for every individual born without hair. Upon birth, babies will have their status noted, and all those who meet the standards of hairlessness – which include certain babies who have one hair or less – will automatically drafted when they reach the age of eighteen.”

Immediately after Hagel’s address was televised, groups protesting the reinstatement of the draft made their voices heard, saying they wouldn’t back down until the new regulations were withdrawn completely.

“It’s going to create all kinds of problems,” said the new leader of People Against Hairless Drafting (PAHD) Jessica Stein. “Instead of worrying about their babies’ health, parents will be concerned only with how much hair they have. You’ll get corrupt doctors inserting hair implants into newborns’ heads. It’ll tear the nation in half, and it won’t be pretty – especially when newborns have hideous strands of someone else’s ass hair disfiguring their pretty little heads.”

Barack Obama In Blue Suit May Actually Be White President in Gold Suit

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A fearsome debate has broken out on social media across the globe over whether Barack Obama is a black president dressed in blue, or a white president dressed in gold. Obama has long been considered the first black president of America, but is he really?

The controversy was sparked by a photo of the president at a gala event in California last weekend. Although more than fifty percent of viewers saw the African American leader in a blue suit, a significant minority insist that he is a white man in a gold suit. YouTube videos attempting to explain the phenomena have gone viral, but which reality is real?

“This is a fantastic example of how people’s brains do not interpret sensory input in a uniform way,” said physicist Michael Surewood. “There are many possible explanations for why different individuals see different colors, including the possibility of our minds assuming that the president was standing in shade, that shadows were falling across his outfit, and so on. But what is clear, is that the very identity of our country’s leader is in doubt.”

Republican MPs have come out strongly in support of the white and gold rendering of the president, some going so far as to say that the “first African American President line was a simple deception to draw in liberal votes.” Rand Paul, a possible contender for the 2016 presidential elections, is at the forefront of this view.

“You can’t tell me what I’m seeing is wrong,” he said to reporters. “I see a white president in a gold suit, and that’s that. Am I meant to believe that my eyes don’t work properly? I’ve been categorizing people by colors all my life. I think I would know when I see a white man.”

However, photographs have emerged of the prototype of Barack Obama, showing conclusively a black president in a blue suit. Debate may continue over why Obama looks white to some Americans, but what is sure is that he really is a black man.