Teacher Put On Suspension After Waterboarding Students During Detention

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma –

A local high school gym teacher has been temporarily suspended with pay, after reports of him allegedly waterboarding his students while in detention. Keith Evans, 56, may be looking at time behind bars if the charges are to stick, but he claims he was just doing his job by disciplining his students.

“I spent a lot of time in the military and working for the government before becoming a teacher, and that’s how you treated trouble cases,” said Evans, completely disregarding his union representative’s advice to not speak to the press.

Police are convinced Evans learned this technique during his very colorful background in the United States military. They feel that Evans may be ‘numb’ to the idea that waterboarding is harmful, and feel that no matter how the probably pending legal case goes, he will never understand what type of danger he put these students into.

“These kids were liars, cheats, and thieves, and I know that what I did what was right,” said Evans. “It’s not like I killed anyone. And it’s not like I ran the water over their faces for minutes at a time, like we used to do to terror suspects. It was just for a few seconds, just to teach them to wise up a bit. Hell, some of the kids were on the school’s swim team, so not only am I disciplining, them I’m training them for their next swim meet.”

“Honestly, I have no idea what any of this is about,” said Bobby Reynolds, 15. “I was in that detention, and Mr. Evans never bothered any of us. Not at all. We were totally fine, and detention was just quiet and nice. There was no waterboarding or any other torture going on.”

Evans has been put on leave, pending investigation. So far, none of the 14 kids in the detention will admit to any torture. Police think that they may all be too scared of Evans to admit what happened. 3 of the children did report better-than-average times in their last swim meet, though.

Man Survives Suicide Attempt After Jumping From 20 Story Building

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington-

One lucky man almost met his death last Thursday evening, but apparently fate had other plans. A Seattle man, Frank Carpenter, is alive today after attempting to kill himself by jumping from the top of a city building.

Carpenter reportedly jumped off the top floor of the IBM building, which is a 20-story skyscraper in downtown Seattle. He still remains in the hospital with several broken bones, but doctors say that, unbelievably, he has no life-threatening injuries.

“When I jumped, every regret came to mind of how much my life could offer me. I had so many things going bad in my life, and I didn’t think there was any hope for me. My girlfriend left me, I lost my job, and Russell Wilson threw the worst pass I’ve ever seen to lose the Super Bowl,” said Carpenter, now smiling in his hospital bed. “Surviving this, I’ve just done a complete 180 on my outlook, and I am just happy to be breathing. I see now how great this world can be.”

Doctors say they have no idea how Carpenter survived the fall, but say that striking a business canopy before hitting the ground may have been enough to slow him down without causing instant death.

“It seems that most of the force was taken in his legs, and he has severely compacted bones in both ankles, feet, and knees. He also broke one arm, and severely sprained another. Amazingly, though, that’s about his only injuries, and we have performed surgery,” said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith. “With physical therapy, he should walk again just fine. Man, if he had jumped head first, he would be so dead right now.”

When asked him what was going through his mind when he hit the ground, Carpenter said “Ouch.”

Obama Ask Congress To Approve Sale Of Alaska To Chinese Government, Hopes To Pay Off National Debt

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama shocked congress today when he announced that he has been secretly talking to the Chinese government about selling Alaska. Obama promised the sale of Alaska to the Chinese in hopes that he would be able to pay off the national debt. He also stated that he sees no logical reason why congress should not approve of it.

“For the past several months I’ve been secretly negotiating with President Xi Jinping of China,” announced President Obama. ”Alaska actually is a pretty expensive piece of land with all it’s gold and oil, and President Jinping is will to pay the value of our national debt, a little over 18 trillion, which we have come to figure is just only slight above 1 trillion over market value. With those numbers, even the most racist republicans can’t say that’s a bad deal.”

Obama says that although he feels that China being so close to the United States and Canada could later have disatrous effects, the ability to pay off completely the debt owed by the country would be an immense relief.

“When congress approves of the sale, our nation will be debt free, and that’s a good thing. Ever since I took office, all I have heard is ‘national debt’ this, and ‘national debt’ that, and what am I going to do about it? Well, I did something, now it’s in the Republicans hands to finish the deal.”

“I think it’s a great idea, as all of Obama’s ideas have been so far,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. ”I know that I never personally considered Alaska part of America anyway. The only people who live there are freedom loving gun nuts like Sarah Palin, and that’s not what America is about anymore.”

Not everyone shares the same optimism about the sale as President Obama and other democrats, though.

“Alaskans won’t stand for it, that’s for sure! We may be different, but we are not crazy,” said former Alaskan governer Sarah Palin. ”Who does Obama think he is? How about reducing the debt by spending less, that’s how we do it in the Palin household. I don’t think Obama could even balance his own checkbook, never mind clearing out our national debt!”

“Theres not a chance in hell this will pass,” said Rep. John Boehner. ”The President is out of touch with reality. I wake up every day and say to myself:’ just two more years…just two more years…'”

Obama Calls For ‘Prepping’ To Be Outlawed, Calls Preppers ‘Homegrown Terrorists’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama urged Congress today to pass laws limiting the amount of food and ammunition a citizen can have on stockpile at any given time. The President was quotes as saying that “These people preparing for a government collapse are the one’s most likely to cause it.”

“The government is here to supply your needs, so there’s no need to have a 3 year food supply hidden in your basement,” said President Obama. ”After binge-watching episodes Doomsday Preppers on the Netflix, I see how dangerous and un-American these people are. In a failing society we all have to work together, and if you’re hoarding food, there’s less for everyone else. No one should be hoarding ammunition, and I think anything more than 50 rounds should be criminal. I’m asking Congress to push through new laws, making it a crime to have more than a 30 day supply of food or more than 50 rounds of ammunition in your home. These preppers are more of a danger to America than ISIS, and they need to be stopped.”

“He’s right again, as always,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. “Preppers are dangerous and crazy people. If there’s a disaster, the government will help you and your family. Prepping is some kind of mental illness, and they shouldn’t even be able to have guns and weapons.”

Not everyone feels the way that President Obama and other democrats do, though. Many republican senators are quick to strike down the proposal, saying that prepping is something that should be the God-given right of every American citizen.

“Preppers are smart, they know history shows you can’t count on your government,” explained Senator Ted Cruz. “When I’m President, I’m going to encourage everyone to have at several years of canned food and bottled water on hand. Preparing to take care of your family is the American way, and the only way that will keep us strong in time of dire need. If Obama wants to talk prepping, he should prep his ass for some serious fight on this issue.”

Paralympic Athlete Oscar Pistorius Loses Arm In Prison Attack

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PRETORIA CENTRAL, South Africa –

Lawyers for Olympic runner Oscar Pistorius, convicted of manslaughter in 2014, are furious after his right arm was reportedly cut off in a prison fight. The double leg amputee was sentenced to jail time having shot and killed his model girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, on Valentine’s Day in 2013.

Defense advocate Barry Roux vented his outrage at Judge Masipa’s “criminal incompetence.”

“We argued at sentencing that Oscar is not cut out – pardon the pun – for jail. Now it’s too late, and he’s lost a limb, a tragedy that he could never have prepared for.”

Prosecutor Gerrie Nel, however, argued that this is the sort of thing that happens in prison. “He killed an innocent woman, and he has to pay like everyone else. Just because he is missing both his legs, doesn’t mean he should get automatic immunity from brutal rape by his fellow convicts, or from violent knife fights. Our justice system is run on equal and fair treatment, regardless of individual differences.”

Reeva’s family were reportedly delighted at the news, saying that although he was let off easy by the judge, he has finally paid in a more permanent manner.

“The Steenkamp family expresses its joy at the news of Oscar Pistorius’s amputation,” said family spokesman Hendrik Dewalt. “They finally have some measure of closure, which was lacking from the verdict of manslaughter.”

The Pistorius family hit back, saying that they will go back to court to sue the Steenkamp family for the return of Oscar’s arm.

“It’s only their public campaign that got him into jail in the first place,” said the runner’s brother Carl. “They made the six shots he fired at Reeva seem like some sort of malicious act, biasing the judge, the media, and everyone else involved. We’ll fight tooth and nail on this one, and this time we won’t rest until our brother and son’s limb is back where it should be. Attached to his shoulder.”

Brian Williams Eyed To Replace Jon Stewart On ‘The Daily Show’

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In recent weeks, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams has come under fire after admitting to having lied about an incident in which he was shot down in a helicopter in Iraq. More of the journalist’s anecdotes have since come under fire, including a story of being held at gunpoint as a teenager, and flying with the undercover SEALS Team 6 into Baghdad.

But latest reports indicate that the disgraced journalist may have had an endgame in sight. After Jon Stewart announced his retirement from The Daily Show on Tuesday night, Williams has told press that he’s accepted an interview for the funny-man position as host of the Comedy Central nightly satire.

“Brian is the perfect person to replace Jon Stewart,” said former Daily Show correspondent John Oliver. “He spent 10 years on the Nightly News, proving that he can remain a stable host, even while reporting mostly made up stories. What’s more, he now has years of material for self-deprecating comedy. It’s ingenious.”

NBC executives have denied reports, stating that “although he has been suspended without pay, Brian Williams is still contracted to us. We now know that he is an arrogant liar and, well, a total douchebag, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s our douchebag.”

Williams himself was enigmatic. When he coincidentally passed by CNN offices, he took the opportunity to tell reporters about his personal experience on the original series of The Daily Show.

“I was Jon Stewart’s first interview. It was back in 1998, and I had inside info into the arrest of former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet. You see, not only was I there, but I actually clamped the handcuffs around his wrists. It was one of the greatest privileges of my career, even better than taking the first blow at the Berlin Wall, and being the only surviving passenger from that 4th hijacked plane in the 9/11 attacks. So I told Jon Stewart all the funny things that Pinochet had said. Oh, how we laughed.”

At time of press, footage of his Daily Show interview had yet to be located.

Boxing Champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. Admits He Does Not Want To Fight Manny Pacquiao

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper Curtis “50-Cent” Jackson recently told Sports Illustrated reporter Chris Mannix that he thought that Floyd Mayweather was “scared to death” to fight Manny Pacquiao, implying that Mayweather was afraid of getting beaten or hurt. When Mayweather was asked about the rumor by Los Angeles Observer reporter Nick Tomlinson, Mayweather admitted that he did not want to fight Pacquiao, and would rather do “anything else” than step into the ring with him.

“Hell na, I don’t want to fight Manny Pacquiao,” Mayweather said. “But I ain’t scared of 50-Cent so he can just shut his damn mouth, he don’t speak for me, he is just a punk. I bet he would be scared to fight Manny, too, so I don’t know who he think he is – for real, I wouldn’t say I am scared to death to fight the dude, but I sure as the hell don’t wanna take the chance, even though I think I’d beat his little ass. I can’t be beat, nobody can or ever will beat me, but I will fight who the hell I wanna fight, put that in your little damn newspapers!”

Pacquiao responded to Mayweather’s statements with laughter. “You can’t take that guy [Mayweather] seriously. He says he cannot be beat but yet he admits he don’t want to fight? In the boxing business that means you are scared. If he is not scared, my message to him is to quit dodging the paperwork and lets make this thing official, Floyd Mayweather, will you or will you not fight me? You cannot runaway any longer. It is time to get this things set up, quit being a punk.” Pacquiao said.

Bill Gates Loses $1 Billion Dollars At Horse Races

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Bill Gates is reportedly missing one billion dollars after he lost it at the race tracks. Gates said that he was just there to watch the horses, and the money must have fallen out of his pocket. Sources say that, although he never bets, he can often be seen at the tracks, as he is a big lover of the majestic equines.

“He graces us with his presence all the time,” said track owner Reilly O’Connor. “We let him examine each horse, explain which ones are the favorites, which are the best bets, how the weather conditions will affect them, and all sorts of other insider information. Then he sits down with a drink and placidly watches.”

Top Forbes journalist, Macy Taylor, spoke to us about what impact this has on his status in the financial world.

“Bill essentially lost 1.25% of his net worth. Although that sounds small, when you’re dealing with big numbers, it’s enough to feed a small country for the rest of their lives,” said Taylor. “Still, it is not enough to oust him from his position as the richest man in the world.”

However, close friend and associate to the business magnate, John Henry, says there is cause for concern.

“He’s doing it more and more often,” he told the press. “Last week it was $10 million while watching a poker tournament. The week before it was $100 million visiting the restaurant at a casino. Maybe he shouldn’t be carrying such big amounts around, but what’s really concerning is how absent-minded he’s become.”

When asked about the incident, Gates chuckled nervously and said, “I guess it’s time to get some new pairs of pants. The old ones obviously have big holes in the pockets!”

Mariah Carey Says She Is Pregnant With Michael Jackson’s Baby Thanks To Artificial Insemination

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TRIBECA, New York –

Mariah Carey has issued a shocking announcement this morning via her publicist Antoinette Peterson. “Mariah would like all of her fans and friends know that she is in fact pregnant after successfully being artificially inseminated by the sperm of the legendary Michael Jackson,” Peterson said in an email sent out to various media outlets.

In the years since Jackson’s death in June of 2009, there had been rumors and speculation amongst peers of the music industry that Jackson had routinely had his semen stored and frozen in a secret location. Just recently, his ex-wife Debbie Rowe stated in an interview that she, in fact, knew that Jackson had a dream of creating a ‘super group’ consisting of his unborn children with famous female singers.

“He would always talk about it, and commissioned a firm to collect and store his semen, so he could ‘hire’ his favorite female singers to be inseminated with it,” Rowe said.

It is believed that Carey was asked by Jackson in 2005 to be the mother of his child. Peterson said that Carey was paid a lofty sum by Jackson at an undisclosed time before his death to mother the child before the year 2017, as was agreed upon within the terms of the contract.

Rowe said that she believes there is a lot more of Jackson’s sperm available, and that now that the first mother-to-be has come to surface, that others should begin to come forward as well. “He wanted to re-create his own version of the Jackson 5, but he wanted them to be perfect and to have the right pedigree,” Rowe said. “It would not surprise me if Ms. Carey was signed on for more of these children, as Michael was a huge fan.”

Rumors speculate that other singers Jackson wanted to have father his children include Beyonce, Alicia Keys, and curiously, Janet Jackson.

Over 300 Bodies Found In Hudson River By NYPD; Police Suspect Foul Play

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, NEW YORK –

A group of divers from the New York Police Department made an eerie discovery this morning during a routine training exercise. So far, 327 bodies have been found on the floor of the Hudson river, just off the coast of Midtown-Manhattan, by the NYPD dive team, according to spokesperson James Dailey.

“At approximately 10:15 AM, our divers discovered the bodies during a training exercise. The identities of the deceased are unknown at this time,” Dailey said at an impromptu press conference held outside One Police Plaza in Manhattan. “All of the bodies found were chained to cinder blocks, which were most likely used to weigh down the corpses. We do believe that foul play was involved.”

There is speculation amongst the department of whether or not the bodies are linked to the notorious Del Pino crime family, who had seized control over the city within the past five years, and are most notably believed to be responsible for the deaths of Peter “Half-Foot” Marcini and Ronnie “Staircase Nose” Nanatelli, both known for being masters of the bootleg dvd trade which preys upon tourists visiting the bustling Manhattan.

“It (the Hudson River) seems to suddenly be a very popular place for wrong-doers and murderers to dispose of bodies, much less go as low as to murder adversaries because of misunderstandings. Very rarely in the past would we have pulled a bloat from the Hudson, and we certainly wouldn’t have pulled 300 or more out. Back in the old days, you think the guys woulda resorted to violence to solve the common adversities that life had dealt them? Forget about it,” Dailey concluded. “I tell you though, we really, really need to start diving the Hudson more. Finding a body or two is one thing, finding this many? It’s going to take weeks to sort through them all.”