Vandals Set Fire To Famous ‘Home Alone’ House

Posted on November 26, 2014 by DvanL

WINNETKA, Illinois –

Last week, movie fans held their faces in their hands and screamed – just like young Macaulay Culkin did in the 1990 film Home Alone – when news broke that the northern Illinois Georgian mansion used for many of the film’s scenes was heavily damaged in a fire authorities are calling ‘suspicious.’

Sold in 2012 for nearly $1.6 million dollars, the house has its share of “drive by fans” – movie lovers who stop by to take a picture, just to say they were there. “One of those fans, we think,” said fire chief Bill Carrey, “got carried away and wanted to leave his mark. There was evidence left behind that suggested the fire was deliberately set.”

Nevertheless, conspiracy theories are popping up across the internet. SuperTriviaFanTed suggested in a blog post that actor Joe Pesci, irritated that he could not use his usual foul-mouthed vocabulary in the family oriented film, used his so-called “connections to the mob” to exact his revenge by torching the house. The Chicago Tribune has received anonymous emails saying that because Macaulay Culkin mimicked Edvard Munch’s painting “The Scream,” the restless spirit of the distressed Norwegian artist set the house ablaze. The most popular theory, though, is that Daniel Stern, the actor who played Marv, one of the ‘Wet Bandits’ alongside Joe Pesci, got bored and set the fire himself. Stern hasn’t been relevant in films in over a decade, and the fire could have been his way of making a name for himself once more.

Several other famous ‘movie set’ houses have fallen victim to sudden “fame” once more. The famous Amityville Horror house was besieged with visitors after an article appearing in Good Housekeeping magazine renewed interest in the property. Even after changes in the landscape and modifications to doors and windows were made, crowds still flocked to the house, causing problems for the new homeowners and their neighbors.

“Yes, I’ve heard the theories and funny jokes,” said Carrey, “but we’re going to go with arson. We detected traces of kerosene on the premises. We’ve gotten all sorts of prank calls from people who ask ‘Was the little boy home alone during the fire? Was he hurt? Did he set the house on fire?’ Things like that. I guess it’s all fun and games, but it takes up a lot of the department’s time. We deal in facts and this is a crime scene, not a reality show.”

Carrey is confident that the perpetrators will be identified and apprehended soon. “Everybody’s got security cameras now. These dumb vandals don’t stop and think everything they do, someone’s got them on camera. Also, there are only a few gas stations nearby that sell kerosene, so we’ll have this wrapped up soon.”

Winnetka police are reviewing neighbors’ security camera data and expect to release images of persons of interest to local media by the end of the week.

Ferguson Company Selling ‘Riot & Looting Kits’ In Wake Of Michael Brown Ruling

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Abe Abrams

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Never let it be said that capitalism doesn’t find a way. A newly formed company, Riot Right, started by a Ferguson businessman after the Michael Brown shooting, is now selling pre-prepared riot and looting kits for the people of Ferguson, Missouri.

“First, let me say that Riot Right is all about quality,” said Willie Willis, owner. “It’s tough all over the world, not just in Ferguson – riots and looting can break out anytime and anywhere, and people need to be prepared. Our basic riot kit has safety in mind, first and foremost. Each one comes with goggles to protect your eyes from pepper spray, gloves and chest protectors for defense against rubber bullets. We feel if you’re going to riot and loot, do it right.”

Willis said that although he doesn’t condone rioting, he does feel that if there is going to be all this flagrant opportunism with looting, he should join in on it – at least from a business perspective.

“People will use any excuse they can to riot and burn and loot the stores of our community. With that in mind, our deluxe kit comes with all the safety equipment as the basic kit, plus offense items, such as crowbars for breaking car windows and store fronts. Don’t be that fool using a rock – that’s ghetto. There are also bottles for making molotov cocktails, although sorry, gas not included. They also come with Kevlar vests, ’cause when the rubber bullets don’t work, you don’t want to be the dead fool out there getting hit with real bullets. Our kits guarantee that you will be able to cause the most trouble and grab the most loot, because if you can’t see or breathe, how you gonna carry a flat screen T.V. outta the store?”

“We were hoping that ‘cooler heads’ would prevail, and the justice system would do its job, but that doesn’t seem to be the case,” said Mike Murray of the Missouri State Police. “So that said, we’ll be working diligently to keep the people safe by arming ourselves to the teeth with every automatic weapon we can get our hands on.”

“The police will work to keep only half the people safe, but I’m thinking about the other half,” said Willis. “Remember to pick up your riot and looting kits at my mobile office – just look for the ’77 Riviera that’s usually parked on 15th street in front of Denny’s.”

Missouri Governor Announces ‘Police-Free Zone’ In Ferguson

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Abe Abrams

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri –

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon announced today in a prepared statement the creation of a Police-Free zone within the city limits of Ferguson. The zones will be in neighborhoods with high a African-American population, and if successful could be a model for other cities such as Chicago and New York.

“It has become clear that the police are not welcome in certain areas of Ferguson. If a police car cannot be driven down a street without rocks being thrown at it or shots taken, it is clear that a police presence is not welcomed,” said Gov. Jay Nixon. “I cannot guarantee our officers safety in highly populated African-American neighborhoods, so if they don’t want us there, that’s what I’ll give them. I will no longer put police in danger, no 911 calls will be answered and no crimes investigated in these newly formed ‘Police Free Zones/’ They can loot and riot all they want in their own neighborhoods as long as the stay out of the good areas.”

“I applaud the Governor’s decision,” said Police Chief Thomas Jackson. “With the Brown ruling coming back and violence beginning already, we needed this ruling and we got it. Starting tomorrow there we will be corded-off areas of Ferguson with checkpoints leading in and out of the police free zones. Anyone wishing to enter may at their own risk, people trying to leave a police free zone will be searched and questioned. This move will not only make it safer for officers to do their jobs, but save taxpayers money because 98% of lawsuits against the police come from these black neighborhoods. We are hoping that this will help their community find the utopia they’re looking for – a place with no laws and authority, and no white cops to be harassed by.”

“I wont have to worry ’bout no police shooting my babies now, just because they wear hoodies and like to steal a little bit,” said Shanda Charles, a resident of Ferguson. “You see, for the first time in my life, I wont feel like a criminal just because I’m black. I don’t have a record, and don’t wanna be treated like I do. I’m sure the gangs will do a better job at keeping us safe that the police ever could, and that’s a price I’m willing to pay for. At least they won’t harass me for ‘driving while black’ while they checkin’ out my boobs.”

Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It ‘Unhealthy’

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

A new food regulation passed by the Washington State School Board is set to start after the holiday vacation.

Beginning in January, all water and ‘water-related products’ will be banned from public schools. The decision was made as a safety measure with board leaders claiming water is too unhealthy to have in any school.

“With childhood obesity, food allergies, and other concerns with what our schools feed children, you would have to think water would be the last thing that would be banned,” said school board member Joan Myles. “But we don’t have the money to test the local water system, and fear an unclean water source can lead to health issues that could make our children sick or shut down the school.”

“We have decided to cut out the middle man and save a few dollars, while making sure the risk of water won’t plague the future of our schools,” said school board president Richard Head. “Programs in schools are getting cut left and right, and now this is just another thing that will become a past memory when thinking about your schools, like music education or pizza day.”

Parents have argued that students should be able to drink water brought from home while in class, as many local residents have private wells on their property, but school board has said that will be a no-go either, as they are claiming it as a possible ‘choking hazard.’

“Lunches that will be provided at the school will also have to be made without water,” said Head. “The portions will also be cut down so children can properly swallow their food without choking. Don’t think of this is a negative change, just think of it as something that could save your child’s life. They won’t need water, because we have Coca-Cola machines that are being installed in the cafeteria and in several hallways throughout the school.”

MRI Scan Reveals Crayon In Man’s Brain, Doctors Say It Has Been There 40+ Years

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

A local Pittsburgh man is feeling a lot better after an extended stay in a local hospital. What doctors found during a routine MRI of his head turned out to be something out of a horror story.

Luke O’Neil, age 47, was facing chronic headaches that had been persistent for years, but recently he also began experiencing fainting spells. The new symptoms made him visit his local emergency room, and what doctors found when taking a closer look at his brain is something they say they have never seen before.

“My first thought was Mr. O’Neil had a brain tumor, but after the MRI, we found that something was lodged into his brain,” said Doctor Reid. “It’s the first time in my career that I’ve seen anything like this.”

When they finally came to the realization that there was an object stuck up there, doctors instantly started surgery to get it out. The surgery took well over 10 hours, but after all the effort, doctors successfully removed the item, and O’Neil’s headaches ceased immediately.

O’Neil said that he felt completely different once doctors finished the surgery, and that it was like ‘a breath of fresh air’ for his head.

“I’ve always had trouble with headaches, growing up they’d come and go. Sometimes I’d have them for weeks at a time, sometimes they didn’t happen at all. But when they struck, they struck hard,” said O’Neil. “It was only the last few years that the fainting came with them. I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t have issues with my headache and pain.”

Doctors informed him that it had been a blue crayon that has been lodged in his brain, and when he was asked how it got up there, O’Neil began to laugh.

“I used to stick things in my nose a lot when I was a boy,” said O’Neil. “I didn’t realize that I forgot to take anything back out. My God, a crayon? It must have been up there since kindergarten.”

The crayon in his brain had apparently also made O’Neil color blind, and he wasn’t even aware of the issue. The doctor, who was wearing blue scrubs while attending to O’Neil, was shocked when he asked what color they were.

“Somehow, he lived most of his life with this crayon up his nasal cavity poking his brain. I believe that the crayon was actually hitting some important nerves connected to his eyes, and ironically he was never able to see the color blue before.”

“You’d think I’d have seen nothing but blue, you know? I’m just glad that the headaches are gone now. I’ll stick to colored pencils from here on out,” said O’Neil with a smile.

Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather To Become First Private Citizen To Travel To The Moon

Posted on November 23, 2014 by JP

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

It has been confirmed today that a private citizen will be taking a trip to a place no man has gone before – unless, of course, you’re a man that happens to be an astronaut.

A new, privately funded space exploration company called GalaxyTech is sending its first citizen to the moon. The program is using this opportunity as a way to gain a little bit of cash, because as they said ‘a ticket to the moon don’t come cheap.’

“The exciting part of the announcement comes when we let everyone know who the first guinea pig, er, I mean, who the first brave explorer will be,” said company representative Sherman Helms. “The person who will be taking the trip could be argued as one of the most famous athletes in the world – his name is Floyd Mayweather!”

Mayweather announced his trip to the moon earlier this week through his publicist, but initial reports seemed to come through the media as a purported joke.

“I just thought this would be a great chance for the best on Earth to hold the crown as the best on the Moon, too,” said Mayweather. “I’ve done almost everything there is to do on this planet, and I’m ready to see what the moon has to offer. Plus, who knows, maybe they be some type of alien up there that wants to go a couple rounds.”

The space program sending Mayweather to the moon hopes that other celebrities will follow suit. While Floyd my be the first private citizen going to the moon, GalaxyTech say that they sincerely hope that he isn’t the last.

Government, Health Department Says Ebola Turns Earthworms Into Real Life ‘Tremors’

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An emergency press release was conducted by the Health Department warning all government officials to refrain from burying the bodies of future Ebola victims. According to Health Department Spokesperson Elliot Tevere, though the effects of Ebola on earthworms is unknown, the Health Department has reason to believe that the Ebola virus is capable of turning even the smallest earthworm into an enormous worm, or Tremor.

According to Trevere, the Health Department has compiled mountains of compelling data in support of their theory, however at this time are not willing to share the data with the public.

“We are not at liberty to share the results of our findings; however top scientists have been working feverishly in the lab. They have been conducting high level tests,” said Trevere. “The general public is just not ready to know the details surrounding the tests.”

The word Tremor stems from a popular movie franchise in which small towns are infiltrated by enormous worm-like monsters that live underground. The first feature in the 4 movie franchise was entitled Tremors, and was released in 1990.

An anchor from a local Los Angeles FOX affiliate station had the opportunity to sit down with original Tremors cast member Kevin Bacon, and asked him the likelihood of the Ebola Virus morphing earthworms to creatures similar to those found in his hit 1990 movie. Kevin responded to the question by saying “Your question in itself is absurd, are you really asking me if I believe the Ebola virus can create monsters similar to those featured in a pretend movie? C’mon.”

Actor Michael Gross, who unlike Bacon has starred in all 4 Tremors movies and is slated to play a role in Tremors 5, scheduled for release in 2016, shared a different opinion on the matter when he sat down with a MSNBC representative earlier this afternoon.

When Gross was asked a similar question regarding the likelihood of the Ebola virus causing earthworms to morph into Tremor like monsters he responded by saying “Oh, absolutely! I have no doubt the Health Department’s claims hold their weight in gold. Look, I have completed extensive research, and have enough hands-on experience with shooting 4, almost 5, of these Tremor movies to tell you that this is exactly how these things start.”

Gross concluded the interview by saying, “Our saving grace is that technologically our society is far more equipped to handle these motherhumpers than we were in 1990.”

Google Reveals New X-Ray Glasses At San Francisco Gadget Expo

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

The 2014 Gadget Expo is a regular ‘Nerd Nirvana,’ with all the latest gadgets and gizmos on display for people to check out, try out, and plan their 2015 tech purchases. Many new products created plenty of excitement such as Apple’s iWatch and Alienware’s 3D laptop. But the one product that stole the show was Google’s new X-Ray glasses, which the company is already planning for a 2015 release.

“We all remember the ads in the back of comics. You could get sea monkeys or paper dolls. But the most popular ad was for X-Ray glasses. Of course, those glasses were a disappointment when they came in the mail, but it created a dream in the minds of a generation,” said Larry Page, Google CEO. “Now, some of those disappointed boys are the smartest engineers in the world, and they work here at Google. Ladies and gentlemen, those same young honor society nerds that dreamed of seeing through girls clothes have done it, and we now have real X-Ray glasses! Pending some safety issues, Google X-Googles will be available next year!”

“It’s true, the X-Ray glasses work perfectly, and with different settings, you can see through garments, skin and bones, and even walls,” said Product manager Harold Harris. “We see this as a great development that will no doubt have untold advantages in the fields of medicine and law enforcement. The safety tweaks are happening now, as the one Mr. Page spoke of is actually quite serious. Currently, the X-Ray glasses have a 100% brain tumor rate on wearers. Unfortunately, the threat of brain tumors is not stopping the engineers on the project from wearing the glasses to spy on female employees. I guess for them seeing a girl naked is worth a brain tumor. At the rate engineers are dropping out for sickness or straight-up dropping dead, the tweaks may take a little longer to fix than expected.”

Despite possible setbacks in health-related risks and fatalities by wearers, Google still plans to release the new X-ray glasses as soon as possible. “We know that Google Glass was just the beginning for what we’re calling or Google Spectacles Division,” said Page. “All those people out there wearing our current product will certainly be interested in our new Google X-Googles. We can’t wait for them to all go from becoming Glassholes to Raytards.”

Taylor Swift To Put Music Career On Hold, Plans on Attending College

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

Taylor Swift, the biggest name in pop and country at the moment shocked fans, promoters and the entire music industry today when she cancelled her world tour. Swift announced in a statement that ‘there’s nothing more important than education,’ and she plans on attending college starting this January in time for the spring semester.

“I hope my fans support my decision, I’m not the first star to put a career on hold,” said Swift. “Jodie Foster went to Yale, Natalie Portman went to Harvard, and Emma Watson went to Brown. If they could put their careers on hold to get an education, so can I. As a role model to millions of young girls, I feel it’s my duty to show the importance of education. So I’ll be going to a little school in Boston that maybe some of you have heard of, to pursue my life long dream.”

According to Swift and her management, going to school is the only thing that’s kept her back from becoming the biggest musician of all-time, as opposed to just one of the biggest musicians of all-time.

“Because I want to live this dream, today I am proud to announce I was accepted to Boston’s Medford Community College School of Dog Grooming. I will be starting this January, for a grueling 6 months of courses to achieve my certificate, but I know with the support of God and my fans, I can do it. I want to let my fellow students know even though I may be the only one going to a commuter school in a limo, I’m just a regular down-home country girl at heart.”

“I’m really, really sad that she’s not going to be singing anymore,” said Amy Anderson, a 12-year-old fan. “6 months is like a lifetime away from making music, but I’m happy for her. Well I’m more sad for me than happy for her. I don’t know how I feel. My Mom and Dad are both doctors, and they wanted me to be a doctor. I wanted to be a singer like Taylor, but now I guess I want to be a dog groomer like Taylor.”

‘Diary of Anne Frank’ Flagged For Plagiarism

Posted on November 22, 2014 by DvanL

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands –

The Diary of Anne Frank, required reading for many middle-schoolers since its publication in 1947, was recently flagged for plagiarism, a discovery credited to 12-year old student Hanne Flüvke, who ran the book through an online plagiarism checker.

Through a translator Flüvke said, “We had to write a paper on Anne Frank and how she would be today in society. ‘Would she use Facebook and texting?’ my teacher asked, so I was checking my paper to make sure I wasn’t copying anything another person wrote.”

“Suddenly I became not very happy,” said Flüvke. “I started my report with Justin Bieber when he said he thought Anne Frank would be a ‘Belieber’ and my grandmother said, ‘Remember when I used to read you The Diary of Anne Frank every night when you were just a little girl before I could not see anymore?’” Hanne dug back through her closet and found the well-worn copy of the book her grandmother had read to her as a bedtime story years before.

On a fluke, Flüvke entered passages from Diary into an online copycat detector and found that nearly every passage was flagged for plagiarism. “Everything I entered from my grandmother’s copy of The Diary of Anne Frank showed up as a copy from another book called The Diary of a Young Girl, also published in 1947. I didn’t know which one was the real one, so I called my local newspaper to help me find out.”

“The little child was right!” said Johannes Bleek, editor of Amsterdam’s Daily Chronicler. “Everything matched. I don’t know how people could have overlooked such a thing as this before! Perhaps they let it go since the story was so sad about the little girl.”

The Supreme Court of the Netherlands (Hoge Raad der Nederlanden) ruled last week that The Diary of Anne Frank was indeed directly sourced – without credit – from The Diary of A Young Girl, and that proper royalty payments owed to the Frank family would have to be recalculated. The Court also ruled that any unauthorized use of the former book would make violators liable for prosecution under international law.

“I didn’t want to start any troubles,” said Flüvke. “I just wanted to write a paper, so now I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll write about Justin Bieber if I made believe he was locked up in the attic and I rescued him, which I hope never happens to him someday because I want to marry him.”

Bleek published an editorial urging citizens to burn unauthorized copies of The Diary of Anne Frank in the town square. The date of the public book burning will be set after the editor secures the necessary public fire department permits.