Abortion Clinic Busted For Selling Fetuses To Chinese Restaurant

Posted on March 20, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

SELLERSBURG, Indiana –

A local Sellersburg establishment was shut down by police and health inspectors this week, after an investigation of the Beijing Chinese restaurant showed that they were purchasing aborted fetuses from the Sunbright Family Planning Clinic.

Police first became aware of the Beijing restaurant using human fetuses as part of their cuisine when several people were hospitalized after eating at the restaurant. Representatives from the Sellersburg Department of Health were called by doctors at Clark Memorial Hospital to investigate the conditions at Beijing, assuming improper food storage or preparations. The Department of Health was shocked at what they found.

“They had an entire walk-in refrigerator dedicated to unborn fetuses, all of them in different stages of dismemberment. It was clear they were using them as part of their recipes.” Said Brendan Kelly, department head for the Sellersburg D.O.H. “We immediately closed the restaurant, and contacted state officials.”

“We were contacted by the Department of Health, who informed us that a local abortion clinic may be selling discarded fetuses to the Beijing restaurant.” Said Captain Joseph Goldsmith of the Indiana State Police. “We moved in quickly on both establishments, making sure that we got a lock on all this as soon as possible.”

Along with the owners of the Beijing Restaurant, Soi Cha and Fo Shi, officials also arrested two men from the Sunbright Family Planning Clinic. Alex Coates and Ryan Wintson will be facing charges for their part in the theft and sale of the fetuses, which officials believe had been happening for years.

“Alex and Ryan were two members of our nighttime cleaning crew who’d worked for us for almost 6 years.” Said Doctor Thomas Telford of the Sunbright Clinic. “I am shocked that they could or would do something like this. Sickened and appalled.”

All four men will be facing charges in Sellersburg Superior Court. Cha and Shi, the purchasers of the unborn fetuses, are charged with assault and attempted manslaughter, because of the illnesses they caused in customers, as well as with the lesser charge of dismembering a corpse, which is a misdemeanor in the state of Indiana. Coates and Winston are being charged with theft and sale of human remains, theft of medical supplies and equipment, theft of medical waste, assault, and attempted manslaughter. Each are facing up to a 9 year sentence if convicted.

“This is without a doubt the most disturbing thing that’s happened in this town.” Said Kelly. “We never expected to come across something so dark and grotesque.”

Both Beijing and the Sunbright Clinic have been closed for investigation until further notice. Doctors at Sunbright Clinic say they were completely unaware that this was happening in their offices, and at the time of this writing, no charges were being filed against any of their medical staff.

New Jeresey Teenager Hospitalized With Facebook Withdrawals

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMDEN, New Jersey –

Nancy Thompson, 15, was hospitalized today for severe withdrawal symptoms caused by her parents taking away her computer, cell phone, and her Facebook privileges. Thompson, who was being punished for a poor grade in math, was taken to the emergency room at Camden-South Medical Center after her parents found her in bed with cold sweats, thumb twitches, and general zombie-like behavior.

“I was terrified, we both were.” Said Marge Thompson, Nancy’s mother. “I heard noises and murmuring upstairs. I went to Nancy’s room, and she was rocking back-and-forth on her bead, mumbling “Like. Like. Comment. Like. Share,” and her thumbs were twitching in a texting motion involuntarily. We called 9-1-1 immediately.”

Ambulances were at the Thompson house in minutes, with paramedics prepared for the worst.

“We arrived, and Nancy was still trembling. It’s a scene I’ve bared witness to many times lately. The ‘Social-Media Shakes’, that’s what we call them.” Said Glen Lantz, one of the paramedics on the scene. “We were loading her into the ambulance, and that was when I saw the look she had. Nancy had a pretty standard resting bitch face, but then I saw her lips starting to curl back and one arm started to rise above her head. I recognized the selfie-signs instantly, and immediately sedated her before any of us had to see her morph into duck face mode.”

Parents today are more and more often using social media restrictions as punishments for their children and teenagers. As evident in Nancy’s case, it is not always the best solution. Rod Lane, a professional child psychiatrist, says that teens and young adults need their social networks more than ever, and taking them away can have serious adverse effects, much the same as with drug and alcohol addiction.

“I know that when your teen does something wrong, telling them they can’t get on Facebook is the quickest thing to come to your head. I implore all parents, please don’t do this.” Said Lane. “Your child needs to be weened off their social media, like a heroin abuser who goes to a methadone clinic. Just like with “true” drugs, your child can become violent and hostile, or conversely, they can become completely withdrawn and depressed, all because social media is removed from their lives too quickly.”

Nancy’s father, Donald Thompson, says that the first thing he did when Nancy awoke in the hospital was give her back her 32GB gold iPhone 5 so she could get online.

“I never want to have to go through something like this again. I swear I will never take away her Facebook privileges as long as I live. My baby girl can take all the half-nude, fake tanned, stupid-ass duck face pictures she wants. I’ll even ‘like’ them all myself!”

Nancy responded by saying it would be a “cold day in hell” before she added her dad on Facebook. She also updated her status on Facebook to “Prnts are soooo f-ing lame. hospitul food sucks. some1 bring me an f-ing Pinkberry like NOW!” It immediately received ‘Likes’ from 143 of Nancy’s 2,486 friends.

#TheDress: Neuroscientists Say People Who See White, Gold Have Mental Deficiencies

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a follow-up study after last week’s #TheDress controversy, neuroscientists have confirmed that people who saw white and gold, as opposed to the dress’s true colors of black and blue, have important mental deficiencies. The reason that these individuals – about 26% of those surveyed – see the wrong colors, is that their brains are not adaptable enough to note subtle changes in a photograph’s hemispheric hue.

“This goes a long way to explaining the huge deficit between sectors of the world’s functioning population,” said head researcher, Dr. Larry Thoreaux. “Those we term ‘team white-and-gold’ are not intellectually crippled in such a way as to be clinically retarded or unable to carry out everyday tasks. However, they can be routinely expected to perform poorly in arguments, have only minimal career success, and be severely irritating by remaining stubborn in believing delusional realities.”

The discoveries have resulted in debates about #TheDress once again breaking out in full force, with team white-and-gold especially vehement.

“Scientists are holding our society for ransom!” shouted one deluded fool.

“They’re as wrong about this as they are about that dress being blue and white!” boomed another, confusingly.

“Never believe what you read!” was a third’s insistence, at which point we stopped listening to their ramblings.

Members of team blue-and-black – the correct, well-adapted majority – were circumspect and straightforward in response.

“We’ve seen the actual dress, in person, and it is blue and black,” said a non-mentally deficient individual. “Those who do not accept that reality are deluded, and we pity them. Science is pointing us towards technological and biological development and must not be underestimated, even if these poor fools are mentally unable to accept the truth.”

At time of press, our offices have erupted into fearsome fighting, with mentally deficient colleagues screaming irrational sentiments and flinging chairs around at their smarter (and coincidentally better looking) co-workers.

Hurricane Escobar, Winter Storm Uteri Will Collide Causing Catastrophic Storm Next Week

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

The storm coming up from the south will hit Florida and Alabama, and is set to continue moving Northeast all the way to Maine. Bread and milk prices expected to soar dramatically.

GULF SHORES, Alabama –

Professor and Chief Scientific Meteorologist, Christian Cumulus, of Louisiana State University, as well as scientists at the National Weather Service of Central Florida, have confirmed the “utmost likelihood” of a potentially fierce storm in the Western Hemisphere, very likely the worst in over 500 years.

Cumulus says that the storm will come to fruition when expected Level-4 Hurricane Escobar and its frigid air counterpart, Winter Storm Uteri, are aligned for a massive collision headed straight for Gulf Shores, Alabama and will be affecting all major cities in the surrounding areas, and will possibly continue up through the Northeast, all the way to Maine.

“This is without a doubt the most aggressive combination of two split-season storms I have not only ever seen in my 35-year career in meteorology, but also that anyone has ever encountered in this field of study,” said Cumulus. “This storm will be absolutely catastrophic, with the high risk of significant loss of property, and possibly life, in all of Gulf, as well as the entire Eastern United States. Please, stock up on water and food, especially bread and milk, and stay safe.”

“Based on all 7 models, we expected the Frankenstein-like storm to crash into state-side sometime early next week. It is with every bit of my professional being that I encourage all citizens to abandon their homes and head North-West,” Said Weather Service researcher Miles Nimbus. “Just thinking of the devastation which is sure to occur worries me immensely, please prepare yourselves. Stock up on bread and milk, and get yourselves out of the path of the storm.”

The National Weather Service of Huntsville, in Alabama, has also released a statement, saying that residents should take the professional’s advice and head North. A conference is being planned for sometime later this week in which strict guidelines will be released to citizens.

“We don’t want anyone to panic, but we don’t want you to know what’s coming,” said Alabama Governor Skip Altostratus. “Please, wait for our instructions, and remain calm. Visit your local stores to stock up on bread and milk, and know that your local government agencies are working hard to prepare everyone for a potential catastrophe.”

Miami Coast Guard Rescues Hundreds of Dolphins Stranded in the Ocean

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

In a day hailed as the “peak of marine heroism,” the Miami coast guard has rescued hundreds of dolphins from the Atlantic Ocean. The majestic creatures were reportedly stranded there for an undetermined amount of time before their plight was spotted by an observant tourist on Sunday morning.

“These poor animals have been stuck in the sea longer than anyone we’ve rescued in the past,” said head of operations, Warren Bailey. “We attribute their survival to their well known ability to adapt to harsh conditions. They are the second smartest mammals on earth, after all.”

Trent Richman, the man who initially called attention to the dolphins’ plight, has been hailed as an “all-American hero.”

“Trent epitomizes our great nation’s values,” said Miami mayor, Tomas Pedro Regalado. “We’re hospitable to anyone in their time or need, American or foreign, human or animal.”

Richman himself played down his role in the rescue.

“Anyone else would have done the same,” he humbly told reporters. “Who could leave innocent beings to drown in this huge ocean? I saw them desperately jumping into the air for what they must have believed were their last breaths. I called the coast guard and they’re the ones who should be applauded for their quick response.”

Mayor Regalado is apparently doing everything in his power to find housing for the dolphins until they recover from their ordeal, which may have lasted years.

“Our hotels are filled up right now – this is a favorite city for vacations all year long. Also, due to their corpulence, they can’t fit in most citizens’ houses, so we have quite a dilemma on our hands. For now, we’re working hard to build tent cities for them to stay in, but with the huge amount of refugees on our hands, some of them will inevitably sleeping under the stars for the next few nights.”

At press time, the survivors were resting from the drama on the beach, out of reach of the projected tides. When asked for comments, their lack of response was likely due to their need to sleep off the exhaustion. They are, however, expected to be up and running within the next few hours.

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Business magnate and celebrity, Donald Trump, is in the process of donating nearly all of his wealth to cancer research. The billionaire’s estate is known to be associated with many charity organizations, but Trump seems to have a personal sympathy for this cause.

“It’s long been his dream to find a cure for cancer,” said daughter Ivanka. “He cares so much for all those poor, hideous people going through the rigors of chemotherapy.”

Other, more cynical commentators have however shed doubt on the purity of his actions. One of the major critics is son, Donald Jr.

“Dad would never give his money away for no reason,” young Donald said. “He has some sort of smart business plan, that’s going to make me… I mean him… lots more money. He has to, doesn’t he?”

Much of the conservative community has agreed with Trump Jr. Their argument is that “Donald typifies the ideal capitalist. He ruthlessly makes as much money as possible, uses it philanthropically when it will serve to make him more money, and never gives anything away for free. He embodies the values on which America was founded. If you give people handouts, they’ll never learn to take care of themselves. Cancer patients are no exception. It’s because of all the charity they get from liberals that you never see the dying victims themselves sitting in labs researching. They’re so entitled already.”

Trump, however, is not budging on the insistence of his pure motives.

“This is charity, plain and simple,” he announced at the American Association for Cancer Research (AARC) annual fundraiser. “All I want is for our esteemed biologists and doctors to come up with a way to relieve the torments of cancer. Especially the hair loss factor, and the pasty white skin. If they can just find a way to cure those symptoms, a lot of people’s lives will be vastly improved. I know mine will.”

Groundbreaking Study Shows Prayer Might Not Actually Help Terminally Ill Patients

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

CONCORD, Massachusetts –

An important study recently concluded that gathered the minds of doctors, scientists, priests, and hundreds of thousands of people revealed some potentially devastating information: praying for people with terminal illnesses might not save their lives or even relieve their suffering.

In the five year long study, one hundred terminally ill cancer patients volunteered to take part. Half of them acted as the control group, while almost a million people, sourced through various channels, prayed for the other half consistently. The results: each case ended at completely random intervals, with only one person making a full recovery. This one man was in the control group.

“I had a hunch prayer might not be as effective as people make it out to be, but I never thought it would be completely useless,” one of the leading doctors for the study remarked.

The group behind the study followed up with a report stating that the findings were not entirely conclusive since “God’s will can’t be proven,” suggesting that the Holy Spirit already had different plans for this group of people. Nonetheless, it raises skepticism and is pushing more doctors to rely on their years of painstaking medical studies instead of prayer.

“The craziest part for me,” one of the study’s unbiased third-party observers said, “is that the people in the non-prayer group actually did better overall. I mean obviously with something like cancer it’s hard to tell because every case is different, but since people weren’t allowed to pray for them they spent their time raising money for research, helping them pay their medical bills, and in general doing whatever else they could to help.”

Several members of the study’s prayer group also chipped in to financially and emotionally support the control group without prayer, often finding that their time felt much better spent. A much larger and longer-term study is scheduled to begin in a few months to hopefully gather a second round of evidence.

Google Glass Upgrade Will Let You Read Minds Of Significant Other

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California –

An unprecedented release from the corporate giant Google hit the tech market just before Valentine’s Day. The dot-com behemoth released a new beta software upgrade for Google Glass+ that allows one to read the thoughts of their significant other’s wants and desires.

“The desire center of the brain is relatively easy to read as compared to other segments of the brain,” Explained Dr. Dasa Sengupta of Google’s neuro-tech labs. “When someone wants or desires a particular item that is within proximity, the pleasure center lights up in a particular series of stimulation. The more one desires an item, the more synapse fires occur within the pleasure center. When this happens, the eyes also dilate and the cheeks and lips become slightly flushed. This is the key to the Glass+ program.”

Google Glass+ now has the capability to detect the slightest pigment change in a “familiar face,” which has been noted by the machine through multiple viewings. Once the Glass+ becomes capable of reading the face, it can note minor changes in the pigment, as well as eye dilation.

“This is a fantastic progress for couples,” noted Marketing Director David Gebner. “We felt Valentine’s day was the perfect time to release the product, as many men struggle to know exactly what their significant other wants for the romantic holidays. Google Glass+ will now at least give them a bit of a nudge in the right direction.”

Update: Google quickly pulled the software only two days after the release, as the product was found to cause more harm to relationships than it did help. An official release stated there were, “A multitude of reports citing couples separating, or getting into physical altercations, after the Google Glass+ noted a partner’s interest in a third party. Future updates will remedy the situation.”

Apple Rolls Out New ‘Adult’ Emojis In Attempt to Prevent Teens from Sexting With Real Photos

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

In an apparent bid to stop teenage sexting, Apple plans on rolling out a new range of raunchy emojis, displaying various sex acts. The move comes after a scandal at an elementary school in Wisconsin, where nude photos of school goers landed up on Facebook, sparking shame and outcry.

“It’s for the safety of the kids. As adults we know how dangerous it is for us to make compromising pictures available, but children don’t realize it could come back to haunt them,” said one Apple executive. “Since promoting abstinence has not made a significant difference, we’re now implementing new ways of practicing safe sexting.”

In order to make the range as relevant as possible, the new emojis will feature, in addition to a huge variety of homo- and heterosexual acts, genitalia of three different sizes – small, medium and large.

“We want them to be personal,” said project manager, Brian McAlly. “A boy with a small penis, sending to a girl with a large vagina, cannot be sending a picture of a large member penetrating a tight hole. That won’t do for him – he wants the girl to see as accurate a representation of his junk as possible, and visualize her orifice as realistically as possible.”

Parents have been unanimous in their support of the move. At a recent PTA meeting at a school in New York, parental rep Molly Gingrich announced the group’s satisfaction at the development.

“When I saw Jimmy’s penis on my Anna’s phone, I got the shock of my life,” she said to shouts of agreement. “He has a hideous dick, which subsequently ended up on Tumblr. And I worried that my daughter’s ugly vagina might share the same fate. It might ruin her chances of having the busy sex life I know she doesn’t deserve.”

The teaching body, however, disagreed.

“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again,” principal John Skinner pronounced. “Sexting is part of regular teenage behavior. It should not be reduced into tiny representations of dirty coitus. My colleagues and I often keep tabs on the images that are making the rounds, and have seen nothing wrong in them. If anything, our students do a good job at photographing their junk from the most flattering angle possible.”

At press time, parents were browsing some of the teachers’ favorites, and had agreed that actually, they can be proud of the publicity of their children’s’ genitals.

Hackers Attack Social Media Website Google+

Posted on February 12, 2015 by katy_rev

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California –

Google+ was recently attacked by a group of hackers who call themselves The GorillaGods, and the site was reportedly down for almost a week. The case is being investigated by internal Google programmers and federal authorities, but reportedly is not considered a “high priority.”

After 7 days one user, Billy Johnson, eventually noticed Google+ was missing. “I logged into my Gmail account, as I normally do every day, but after checking emails, I needed to take a look at Google Maps, so I clicked on the Apps. I accidentally chose Google+ instead of maps, though, and was taken to an empty website with random graffiti-style tags all over it,” said Johnson. “Normally I wouldn’t have bothered doing anything about it, but I couldn’t get back to my emails, nor move forward to the maps. That’s why I informed the Google people. I’d never used Google+ before. Shit, I didn’t even know it existed.”

Programmers from Google brought the website back very quickly after Johnson informed them of the attack. Reportedly, a few clicks were enough to bring the site back.

“As it turned out, the hackers didn’t get deeply into the structure of Google+; Our programmers suspect their aim was attacking another website, but they shut down Google+ by a mistake,” said Google spokesperson Amanda Fuller. “We didn’t even notice ourselves, to be honest. I know I didn’t. I mean, I have a G+ account, but it’s not really useful, since I have Facebook.”

“We still don’t know who attacked Google+,” says Patrick Murphy, one of the federal agents assigned to the investigation. “The main theory claims it was Google that staged the hack in order to make a fuss and gain some popularity, because no one even remembers that Google+ is even a thing. Clearly, if it wasn’t Google, then someone attacked them by accident, because no self-respecting hacker group would bother with such a waste of a website.”

The website is back up and fully-functioning, although at the time of this writing, it still appeared very desolate and unused.