Study Shows That Listening To Heavy Metal While Pregnant Increases Baby’s Hair Growth

Study Shows That Listening To Heavy Metal While Pregnant Increases Baby's Hair Growth

 

STANFORD, California –

A group of prominent geneticists and musicologists from Stanford University recently released the results of a research project entitiled Prenatal Music Exposure. Scientists checked how different music genres affect the pregnancy, and what is their influence on baby’s growth after birth. Some of the results were shocking.

A small group of the researchers focused specifically on rock and metal music, wherein they asked 100 women to exclusively listen to nothing but Pantera, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest and Black Sabbath for the entire 9 months of pregnancy. Each day they were required to spend at least 2 hours exposed to the music. Scientists monitored the babies from their time in utero until the time they were 5-years-old, in order to see how the children would grow based on music.

“There were some experiments done in the past that proved music affects brain’s development, but nobody ever noticed such an obvious, physical evidence,” says Dr. Karen Ash from Stanford University. “We noted increased hair growth among children whose mothers listened to heavy metal during pregnancy. Compering to children who were exposed to other genres, the Metal Kids, as we called them, grew their head hair twice as fast. While an average hair of a non-metal child grew approximately one quarter inch monthly, a metal kid’s hair became up to half an inch longer. Several of the children, who are now 5, have hair past their knees.”

Scientists assume it is an example of genetic adaptation. The children grew long hair so they could effectively headbang to the rhythm of heavy metal.

“My daughter has long, black hair and she constantly refuses to have it tied. When she hears metal, she immediately starts moving her head rhythmically, back and forward, just like those guys during concerts,” says Mary Curtis, one of the mothers who participated in the experiment. “It’s kind of cute, but to be honest, I’ve been listening to nothing but heavy metal for almost 6 years now. She won’t let me listen to anything else. It’s really getting to be tiring.”

Scientists are not sure whether all genres can influence the human body in such apparent ways, or if it is restricted to just metal. They are also checking punk music, classical, rap, and opera. The rap babies are the only ones showing any signs of real change in any sort of physical behavior, as they all constantly pull their diaper down below their waste, letting the diaper hang low. Researchers are not sure if this was caused by the music, or just happenstance.

 

Apple to Release Screenless Macbook That Projects Visuals Directly Into User’s Brain

Apple to Release Screenless Macbook That Projects Visuals Directly Into User's Brain

 

SILICON VALLEY, California – 

Since CEO Tim Cook took on leadership roles at the company, fans of Apple have been underwhelmed by their new releases and updates. Critics constantly point out that little has changed in the smartphone market since the iPhone 4, and the Macbook has remained at the level of “just good.”

“Steve Jobs used to take flawless devices and make them better,” tech blogger, Robert Hobbes wrote. “But since 2011, we’ve been bored with gadgets that offer everything we could have wished for and more – will the next unimaginable novelty ever be released?”

Current Apple CEO, Tim Cook, answered that question today with a resounding yes. Cook was always going to have a hard time following the Jobs era, but his stock hit an embarrassing low after his cringeworthy excitement at the launch of the rather milquetoast Apple Watch. Now, however, he has come up with the next piece of technology to change the world.

“I have created the first screenless laptop!” he announced, the maniacal gleam in his eyes rivalling his predecessors greatest moments. The crowd roared in unison. “The public will never have to stare at a screen again. With the release of the Macbook ThinAir, the way we look at technology – or rather the way we don’t look at technology – will change forever.”

Apple’s website explained exactly how the product will work.

“The most advanced screenless technology to date is here,” it read. “The new Macbook ThinAir – named for the feature that the screen is made entirely of air which has been chemically depleted to be as lightweight as possible – will project the image straight from the processor into the user’s brain. The advantages of this new technology are far reaching. The average citizen will never have to use his or her eyes again. Instead, the Macbook will project visuals of the 360 surroundings of the individual, on which the content of the processor will be overlayed. Sounds and scents will be transmitted in the same way, making three of the five human senses superfluous.”

The Macbook ThinAir looks very much like the current Macbooks, except the screen area is just solid metal. In place of the standard webcam is the sensor that will input images directly into the brain of the user. ThinAir is expected to launch by the end of the year, with a price of $5000. A mouse will be available for purchase for $3000. A constant supply of $500 batteries will also reportedly be needed to retain clear eyesight, hearing and smell. Batteries, like all Apple products, will be aesthetically pleasing, available only from Apple, and will only ever be sold in single packs, with no discounts for bulk quantities.

Apple Founder Steve Jobs Found Alive, Hiding Out In Jamaica

Apple Founder Steve Jobs Found Alive, Hiding Out In Jamaica

 

RIO BUENO, Jamaica –

A set of tourists were shocked to see a man who looked suspiciously like one of their idols on the beaches of Rio Bueno, Jamaica. Jake Nestar and Stacey Kenely, who are self-proclaimed Apple fanatics, were enjoying the sun and sand of Jamaica when they noticed a man who looked suspiciously like Apple Founder Steve Jobs. On further investigation, the two realized it was, in fact, the long-thought dead Jobs, and celebrated with such gusto that they blew the entrepreneur’s cover.

“We were just so excited to see the man who changed our lives so much,” said Nester. “I was like, ‘Babe, is that him?’ and she was all ‘Jake, you’re high.’ But I was pretty sure. Then she started looking up pictures of him on her iPad. Then she was all ‘OMG, Babe, that’s him.’ He was the dude.”

According to onlookers, Nester then ran up to Jobs, bragging about his new Apple products. The outburst caught the attention of some other tourists. Quickly, a mob formed around Jobs, and within minutes, news reporters were on the scene.

With his cover blown, Jobs had no choice but to speak on the matter.

“I was simply trying to enjoy my life,” the marketing genius said. “I had come to the beach thinking it was low season for tourists. I didn’t think anyone would recognize me.”

Jobs then explained his reason for the faked death. “I was under so much stress the last decade. I knew the only way people would stop constantly hassling me for ideas was if they thought I was dead. Do you have any idea how nice it is to not own personal electronic products? I’ve been free ever since the world stopped bothering me.”

The Apple founder did seem to have a relaxed and calm demeanor when speaking to reporters. The Island lifestyle did seem to agree with his new want in life.

“Nobody cares who I am down here. Nobody wants to bother me about what the new innovation or strategy will be. They just enjoy sitting and chatting, smoking weed or drinking rum. We all go down to the weekly Tupac and Biggie concerts and enjoy life without computers, cell phones, pads, pods, and other devices that suck the life out of you.”

When asked if he had any remorse about unveiling Job’s secret, Nester replied, “Did he say Tupac and Biggie concerts?”

American Public Decides Scientists are Idiots Regarding GMO Foods

American Public Decide Scientists are Idiots Regarding GMO Foods

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Over the past half-decade, there has been a growing debate regarding the quality and safety of GMO foods. There has been debate back and forth even within the scientific community regarding the use of GMO capabilities in produce. But more and more, scientists have become increasingly in favor of its use. The American public, however, seems to be turning on the lab-coated professionals.

“These fancy doctors come in with their degrees and charts and try to tell me what is good and not good to eat. Quite frankly it’s insulting,” said Wyatt Stanfield, a local advocate against GMO production. “If I don’t want to eat a mutant corn, than damnit, I shouldn’t have to eat a mutant corn. It’s my stomach, for crying out loud!”

In a recent study, 71 percent of scientists and doctors agreed that with proper regulation and caps on experimentation, GMO foods were wholly safe. In the same study, only 31 percent of ‘common citizens’ agreed. Another 51 percent felt that GMOs posed a legitimate threat to the health of individuals that ate them regularly.

“We all know what food is safe,” says Stanfield. “Food made by God and grown from the earth. That is what we’re intended to eat. Anything made by labs is sure to cause us trouble. I don’t know why they think they can play God with our food. We know it’s going to give us cancer, or mutate our genes or make us sterile. But they keep pretending it’s fine. They keep saying ‘Don’t worry, they can’t hurt you.’”

Says Dr. Daniel Roberts MD of the GMO foods, “Don’t worry, they can’t hurt you. GMO food has already been in use for some time, and I’m still not entirely sure why people are against it,” said Roberts. He continued by pointing to a banana left on a table nearby. “This fruit is a clone of a single banana that has been recreated over and over over decades. Have you ever seen a real banana? They are short, green, and have giant seeds. These things we have now aren’t even close to a real banana. They’re genetically modified, and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t killed anyone not allergic to it.”

When asked about the banana, Stanfield stood defiantly. “That banana was made by God, and no liberal elitist agenda is going to trick me into believing otherwise.”

First Reported Death By Personal Drone As Woman Killed In Arizona

First Personal Drone-Related Death Reported In Arizona

 

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

Arizona woman Danielle Persephone has been pronounced dead after being struck by a personal drone, in the first incident of its kind. The drone had been procured to gratuitously film scenes of thirty-something year old mothers drinking tea and eating cocktail sandwiches at a birthday party for one of four year old children.

Paramedics arrived promptly, but were not able to resuscitate the mother of two, and pronounced her dead on the scene.

“We’ve been expecting something of it’s kind for years now,” said ambulance driver Ray Harrington. “Drones on private properties, controlled by inept dads trying to impress their jaded families, have always promised disaster. Remember that hilarious video of that groom being hit in the face at his wedding? That had me laughing for days.”

A close friend of the deceased released a statement lamenting the loss. “Danielle will be missed by her two sons – or are they daughters? – as well as her husband, or wife, or ex, or whoever it was she used to bring to these things. I am sure I speak for every one of her friends in saying that this is a tragedy we will gossip about for many years to come.”

The incident will reignite debate on the safety of utilizing technology created for the purpose of bringing death to the enemies of the free world.

“Drones are indicative of Obama’s presidency,” said Republican senator, Dick Howard. “Now they’re a threat to innocent American citizens. I’m a big advocate of the 2nd amendment, but this is going too far.”

Google To Buy Facebook In First $1 Trillion Acquisition

Google To Buy Facebook In First $1 Trillion Acquisition

 

SILICON VALLEY, California – 

In a move that could spell the end of the online world as we know it, Google has announced plans to purchase Facebook in the first ever trillion-dollar acquisition. The multi-trillion dollar tech giant has long been linked with the social media empire, after its own version, Google Plus, failed to attract the same sort of dedicated users that Facebook has.

“This is exciting news,” said a sweaty, blustering, bespectacled, morbidly obese geek. “The idea of Google taking over the next biggest chunk of the web has previously been vaunted, but I never thought it would happen in my lifetime. I mean, look at me. I spend most of my time on my ass eating bacon off my unwashed body in my mother’s basement. How many more years am I likely to survive? I’m a heart attack weighting [sic] to happen. Pardon the pun, heh heh.”

Others were not so enthusiastic about the rumors.

“I know everyone’s freaked out about the government having all their info, and that’s kinda my fault,” said NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden from somewhere in Russia. “But Google is who we really need to worry about. We willingly give them our life secrets, hoping they’ll keep it for us so that we never lose it. I have no doubt they’re grooming some naive intern to take over the world. Now they’re gonna have Facebook too? Oy vey!”

Mark Zuckerberg earlier denied reports that he was willing to sell his brainchild, even going so far as to change the tagline on the Facebook log-in page to read, “It’s mine and always will be.”

He later changed his stance, however, after Google came back to them with such an outrageous offer.

“Well, I always said that money was not what Facebook was about, despite really only caring about ad revenue, going public, and making me filthy rich,” said Zuckerberg. “Still – it was about people, not money. That said, who would turn down a trillion dollars? A trillion dollars?! Nobody, that’s who. Nobody on the face of the planet would turn down that kind of money. And only Google has the balls to fork it over to get what they want.”

Rumors that the company will change the name of the social media giant from Facebook to Googlebook could not be confirmed.

Scientists Discover Shocking Truth About Weight-Loss Pills

Scientists Discover Shocking Truth About Weight-Loss Pills

 

SALEM, Oregon – 

Researchers from the Oregon University revealed a shocking truth on a yesterday’s press conference. Doctor Maria Vega and her team of researchers spend four years conducting an extensive study on more than one hundred different weight loss pills, which included laboratory tests, tests on animals such as rats and monkeys, and tests on human volunteers.

“We know this is going to be a shocking news for many people,” said Vega at a conference. “but our research showed without any doubt that weight loss pills have no results on a human volunteers.” According to Dr. Vega, initial results were promising. Laboratory results and tests on the rats were showing good results, and the animals were actually losing weight just by being fed low-calorie diets and given multiple fat-burning pills available in drug stores across the country. When they started to conduct tests on humans, though, everything went the other direction.

“We instructed our volunteers to go on a low calorie diet and start to exercise when they take the pills, just as they recommend on the packages,” Vega stated. “It worked great on rats, but in humans, the results were not good. In fact, they were the opposite.”

When a journalist asked about people losing weight if they ate less and exercised even without the weight loss pills, Vega answered that was not a goal of this study. “Our study was focused on a weight loss pills, and no other ways to lose weight. I don’t know why were rats losing weight,” she said. “People, though, were actually gaining weight in some cases while on the pills. Clearly, these pills are a marketing ploy. We have skinny rats, and fat people on these drugs right now.”

Following the press conference, the stock market experienced significant fluctuations – several major weight loss pill producers, as well as pharmaceutical companies saw their stocks value fall, and the CEO of one of the major manufacturers of diet pills is naturally furious. “We are going to do two things,” said the CEO, who spoke anonymously. “We will sue those so-called scientists, and we will order an independent study to prove our pills do have results. The good kind, I mean. Not the fattening kind.”

“I don’t know what to do,” said Marlene Jacobs, 290lbs, of Concord, Massachusetts. “I use at least two dozen different pills and I am still looking for the right one, but how am I supposed to lose weight if they don’t work? They want me to stop eating or something? This is ridiculous! They’re liars, and should be forced to prove their pills are miracles before calling them that!”

NASA to Scrap Venus Trip, Using Funds to Study Bruce Jenner

NASA to Scrap Venus Trip, Using Funds to Study Bruce Jenner

 

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida – 

NASA officials have made the unprecedented announcement regarding the transition a large sum of funds from space exploration to a more terrestrial endeavor. In a recent press release, the plan was made clear. “We have decided to move funds from space exploration to study Bruce Jenner.”

Officials at the National Aeronautics and Space Association stated that the move was decided after a series of groundbreaking feats went relatively unnoticed by the US public. According to officials, NASA must remain more mindful of its popularity to retain funding. Thus, drastic steps must be made to stay in the limelight.

“We simply have to stay relevant to today’s society. In order to do so, we have to be aware of what is popular – what fascinates people,” said Mission Director J.D. Harrington. “What fascinates people right now is Bruce Jenner.”

Jenner recently made waves regarding his interest in transforming into a woman. NASA officials made it clear that their funding the exploration of the former Olympic star were not an unfocused mocking, but instead a true scientific endeavor.

“This isn’t a cheap ploy at all. Nor is it an attempt to demean the transgender community,”
Harrington explained firmly. “The fact is, plenty of people are interested in this. Many are unaware of the transgender process or how it works. In a lot of ways it is more mysterious than space, and NASA has the funds to study this situation and process.”

When asked about the recent finding of Ceres, a dwarf planet in the solar system, as well as the landing on the Rosetta Comet, Harrington was once again frank.

“Sure, we found a new planet-sized object in the asteroid belt. And yes, we landed a machine on a [expletive] asteroid. But no big deal. It’s clear the two most talked about spherical objects in our solar system are on Jenner’s chest. So I guess we’ll just need to study those. Why not cover something that costs less money and seems to interest people?”

NASA has scrapped an upcoming mission to Venus in order to send a probe to orbit Jenner for six weeks. The shuttle is set to launch early next month, weather permitting.

NASA Astronaut Who Was Lost in Space Returns After 20 Years

WASHINGTON, D.C. – NASA Astronaut Who Was Lost in Space Returns After 20 Years

A family was reunited with a long-lost father today as Garry Hickens returned from space after being stuck in orbit for over 20 years. Hickens, a name you’ll all soon know very well, began his career at NASA over 30 years ago. He wasn’t a flashy astronaut that people knew well, such as Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin, but he defiantly played his part for them.

According to NASA, in 1995, a small shuttle was sent to orbit the Earth’s ozone layer to test for climate changes. Hickens was on board the craft, and it was a task he had accomplished a few times at her time with NASA. It was such a simple, routine mission, that Hickens did it solo, and it would regularly only take 6 days to compile the necessary information.

During his last attempt, the craft accidentally expelled out the fuel needed for a return to Earth; The module was launched further into orbit, and placed Hickens too deep into space to return. Teams at NASA attempted to retrieve Hickens, but after a week of searching and attempting to reach him, they considered him gone.

A funeral was held for him a month after the botched mission, where family, friends, and co-workers could discuss better times with Hickens. His death certificate, filled out by NASA doctors, read ‘lost in space’ as cause of death.

According to Hickens, after all this time, nearly 20 years in space, his orbit changed, and he hit close enough to Earth that gravity brought him back in. It was a crash landing, but the parachutes were able to be deployed, and NASA has confirmed that Hickens is alive and doing well, with only a few minor scraped and cuts from a hard-hitting impact in the California desert.

Hickens has reported that he survived heavily on recycling his own urine, and stretching his supply pack as far as he could.  At the moment, his weak state limits his conversations, but he has told the media he is just happy to be home.

Hickens left at age 44, and celebrated his 65th birthday while in orbit just 2 short weeks ago.

Scientists Warn Blizzard Set To Hit Northeast Contains Radioactive Snow

Scientists Warn Blizzard Set To Hit Northeast Contains Radioactive Snow

 

ISLIP, New York – 

As if 20 inches of snow wasn’t enough to worry about, scientist at the Brookhaven National Lab warn that this deadly amount of snow will also be highly radioactive. Fallout from the Fukushima nuclear disaster of 2011 has finally reached the Northeast of America, and it’s coming in the form of heavy, wet snow set to cover most of the Eastern United States.

“We have been tracking the radiation since the disaster of the Fukushima meltdown in 2011, and to be honest, it could not have reached the country at a worse time,” said  Chief Scientist Michael Baker. “This week’s blizzard, which is expected to dump 20 to 30 inches of snow, blanketing most of New England and New York, will contain dangerous amounts of radiation. I’m urging all residents affected by the storm to remain indoors. The snow will actually be most dangerous while it’s falling, so do not let the snow touch your skin. Do not shovel or let your children play in the snow. Do not let your pets out into the snow. The safest thing you can do is wait until the snow melts into the ground so the radiation can be absorbed by the earth.”

“I’m strongly recommending all residents to stay indoors while the snow is falling, and a New York state-wide curfew will take effect starting at 3pm, and will continue for the duration of the storm,” said New York Governor Mario Cuomo. “During that time, only police, fire services, and other essential personnel will be allowed on the streets. This is nothing to take lightly – this amount of snow, coupled with the severe radiation, is a life or death matter.”

“Radioactive snow? What am I supposed to do?” asked New Hampshire resident Lisa Jones. ”I’ve got 3 large dogs, and it’s going to take weeks for the snow to melt. I can’t have my dogs just popping a squat throughout the house. God, I’ve got to get the hell out of New England. This is a horror show.”

 

 

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