Movie Theatre Popcorn Linked To Erectile Dysfunction

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

It might be a good idea to lay off those refillable combos at your local multiplex, fellas. A recent study released by the American Journal Of Erectile Function states that popcorn, specifically the kind that is served at your local movie theatre, can play a significant part in erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

“If you’re a movie buff, and you’re finding it hard to get it up and keep it up, it’s probably from years of abuse to your penis – via kettle-popped popcorn,” said Dr. Frances Joseph, professor of penile studies at American Journal. “As it turns out, chemicals that are commonly used in the popcorn salt flavoring, as well as the oil, has a significant result in that it keeps the penis super relaxed. It’s something we’re still not understanding completely, but are trying to find the precise link.”

Joseph says that the “butter flavoring” that theatres use isn’t much better for your body, but does have the alternate use of being capable of being a fantastic personal lubricant.

“In our research and discovery, we tested many parts of the popcorn that is commonly served in theatres, and we also took the liberty of breaking down and researching the fake butter used as well,” said Joseph. “It turns out it’s mostly water-based lubricants, much like sex lube, and can be used in mostly the same way with very little issue.”

Joseph says that he is asking men to discontinue eating movie theatre popcorn on their visits to the local multiplex, unless they’ve already had children are not interested in having more. The study indicated that it will take its findings to multiple theatre chains to work out new recipes for popcorn and new methods of cooking that do not decrease a man’s sexual levels.

Man Has Brain Aneurysm Caused By Drinking Thick Milkshake Through Straw

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STRATFORD, Connecticut –

A 37-year-old man died in a freak milkshake accident yesterday, after he suffered a brain aneurysm by trying to suck the thick liquid through a small straw. Jerry Miller of Stratford, Connecticut, is survived by his wife Melanie, 32.

“Jerry had just stopped at Wendy’s, and had picked up a milkshake. Well, I guess they call it a Frosty there,” said Melanie between sobs while speaking to reporters outside the local hospital. “Apparently he tried to drink the Frosty with a straw instead of eating it with a spoon like normal people, and the extreme suction caused a part of his brain to just ‘pop,’ or so the doctors tell me.”

Dr. Henry Feinstein says that this kind of injury is not as uncommon as you would think, as the human body is extremely fickle and prone to accidental death at the “most inopportune times.”

“Really, our bodies can just die off whenever – it can be from drinking a thick shake and having your brain have a tiny explosion, or you can be sitting on the toilet, and all of a sudden your bowels twist and whoop! You’re dead. Just as Maurice Gibb from the 70s band The Bee Gees. The guy died on the toilet! And not in a cool Elvis way, either. It’s really sad how you can just blink out.”

Wendy’s corporation spokesman Bill McNickle said that the company sends its condolences for the incident, and promises a free meal to Miller’s surviving wife and mother to make up for the ordeal.

“We are looking into the option of possibly thinning out our milkshakes to avoid future incidents,” said McKickle. ” At this point, though, we would just like to send our deepest sympathies to the family. There is a first time for everything, apparently.”

Man Sets World Record By Staying Awake For 19 Straight Days

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FLINT, Michigan –

A Flint resident, Mitchell Royale, 28, has set a new, unsanctioned world record for most time spent awake, at a total of 19 days, 3 hours, 26 minutes, and 14 seconds.

“The record is only unsanctioned because it’s too dangerous for Guinness to keep a record of anymore,” said timekeeper and friend Kenneth Foyer. “Mitchell really went hard on this challenge. He tried once a year ago, but only made it 7 days, not enough for a record.”

The previous record, held by Randy Gardner and set when he was only 17, was just over 11 days. Royale beat that time by over a week.

“He didn’t take any drugs at all, no coffee even, no caffeine. He just sat here binge watching shows on Netflix,” said Foyer. “I can’t believe he went as long as he did. When I was taking my shift sleeping, we had another time keeper, Gail, here with us. She says that Mitchell never even looked tired. He just kept hitting the ‘yes I’m still watching’ option on the remote, and caught up on like 7 different TV series.”

After setting the new record, Mitchell celebrated by instantly dropping dead of heart failure. He would have been 29 in June.

Rehabilitation Center Trains Penguins to Eat With Chopsticks to Enjoy Meals

Posted on March 27, 2015 by Justin Birch

SAN DIEGO, California –

Rehabilitators, biologists, and animal lovers in California are working through an animal rehabilitation center to bring back the joy of eating food to one of the planet’s most beloved species.

It’s been many years since penguins had the ability to taste their food. Janes, head of the research department at the center, explains one of her theories:

“They eat fish. They swallow their food whole. They don’t even cook it, or skin it, or clean it – how can that be tasty? So since they’re basically eating the wildlife equivalent of sushi, we thought it best to teach them to slow down, take a minute to savor the food, and eat it properly – with chopsticks!”

She posits that teaching penguins to eat with chopsticks will slow them down at mealtime, allowing them to experience wonderful tastes once again.

“The biggest challenge so far,” Janes said, “has been figuring out how they can use the chopsticks without fingers. It’s been a battle, but we’re making good progress.”

Slowing them down also means that penguin families will have more time together, sharing the same mealtime-bonding that humans do. This is expected to lessen Antarctic youth crimes by as much as 80% in the first year. The Antarctic Penguins Police Force (APPF) has made a generous monetary gift in support of this program and is urging other communities, such as the Galapagos Penguins, to do the same.

“If we can spend our taxpayer dollars to help our neighbors improve their quality of life instead of paying for crimes out of frustration and depression – well it’s not even a question,” the Chief of the APPF said.

The group’s next move is to teach the penguins how to clean and cook their fish before eating them. A number of spices and some cooking utensils will be sent home with each released penguin.

Electricity To Be Shut Off For 4 Days Throughout Entire State of New York

Posted on March 21, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK, New York-

You may want to make sure that your tablets, cell phones, and laptops are charged up if you plan on staying in New York during the upcoming power outage. A letter will be sent to residents of New York in regards to a mandatory power outage that will take place in April 2015.

For at least four days, all power in New York will be turned off, and the state is urging residents to be prepared for the darkness.

“Work needs to be done on the power supply, lines, and power sources throughout the state,” said NY Power representative Richard Sweat. “To make sure that everything goes smoothly, all power servers must be turn offed during the procedure. Please understand that we have no choice in the matter; fully charge your devices ahead of time to avoid further issue.”

Fears of riots and looting are New York Governor Carl Gardner’s main concern during the power outage, and a curfew will be set to anyone living or visiting the Big Apple.

“We will be cutting off late-night travel throughout the state,” said Gardner. “No one will be allowed to roam once the sun has set. Candles will be provided for free at local grocery stores beginning at the end of March, and some stores will have government issued flashlights on sale for a low cost.”

The beginning date for the power outage hasn’t been announced yet, but will happen sometime in April of this year. It is advised to be prepared as soon as possible.

High School Football Player Cut From The Team After Refusing To Shower With The Coach

Posted on March 21, 2015 by JP

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin–

Joe Palemro is in an outrage after he was recently cut from his high school football team. The cut was not due to his grades or playing skills, but rather for something he didn’t feel he had to do. Palemro was an outstanding wide receiver for his school and reportedly had a lot of potential, being the first 14-year-old freshman to ever start on the varsity team.

Unfortunately, his playing days may be behind him, unless he transfers schools. Palemro was cut out of the blue after he refused to take a shower with his coach after practice. He claims that his coach told him that he needed to shower after each practice, but Palemro felt uncomfortable that his coach took showers with the players, and says he would normally wait until he got home to freshen up.

“It was weird, and it always was, and finally I got sick of doing it. I understand that in this sport you need to shower with your teammates, because it builds solidarity and all that, and that’s fine I guess, but we shouldn’t have to do this with our coach. He made the showers after practice mandatory as if it was a part of practice or something,” said Palemro.

The school and coach have not commented on the matter, and have side-stepped the accusations completely. The only comment we got from the school was that they were behind their football coach 100%, and what ever he says goes when it comes to running his team.

“We’d sooner let a young, great player get cut from the team than we would question the tactics of Coach Goldsmith,” said school superintendent Richard Head. “He’s brought this school 11 state championships in 15 years, so he’s kind of a God around here. If showering with the boys is what he does, then showering with the boys is what we’ll let him do.”

3-Year-Old Steals His Mothers Car, Police Chase Lasts 5 Hours

Posted on March 17, 2015 by JP

FORT WAYNE, Indiana-

3-year-old Jason Frew is looking at becoming the youngest resident of the Indiana State Correctional Facility For Children after a recent stunt he pulled. Little Jason had the local police officers of Fort Wayne in his rear view mirror for over to 5 hours early Tuesday morning after taking the family car out for a joyride.

Jason’s mother, Elisabeth Frew, noticed him missing along with the car, and she called authorities. An officer noticed a car driving very slowly and curving in and out of lanes only a few short miles from the Few home.

“I hadn’t gotten the call yet that a child was missing, but when I saw this kid behind the wheel I was shocked. To be perfectly honest, when I first saw the car and the person behind the wheel, I thought it was a drunk midget driving,” said officer Holtz of the FWPD.

When cops attempted to stop the car, Jason began to drive faster and faster. As officers did everything to slow the car down while making sure they didn’t hurt the young boy, the speeds of the pursuit increased more and more. Due to the open road conditions in Fort Wayne and the extreme caution they were using so as not to cause injury, the police ended up following Jason for 5 hours before he was stopped.

Elisabeth Few says she has no idea how Jason got the keys, or figured out how to use the car well enough to drive around.

“I cannot believe that he was able to drive so far and for so long,” said Elisabeth. “I guess he was paying a lot more attention when riding in the car than I thought. I’m just glad no one was hurt, but it’s going to be hard not having him home as he goes to toddler jail.”

Lawyers for the Fews say that Jason will get 3 to 6 months for reckless endangerment and driving without a valid license.

Government Tests Pollution Clouds, Chemtrails as Means of Weather Control

Posted on March 17, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The first in a series of tests for a previously classified government project took place over the past month. Codenamed “Project Overcast,” this latest innovation in science attempts to give some control over Mother Nature’s unpredictable weather.

For this long-term test, scientists deployed several large vehicles to the deserts of Nevada which filled the air with heavy pollution clouds and chemtrails. The goal was to create artificial cloud cover that would drop the temperature over a long period of time. The results were, in lead scientist Harrison’s words, “Pretty sweet.” Temperatures dropped as much as 20 degrees in the first week, with the added side effect of blotting out the sun.

“Obviously we were testing this for human use, but it was a great sight to see the creatures of the desert get a break from the sun and heat for a while. They all cuddled together and a few went to sleep for a really long time. It was cute,” Harrison said.

According to the follow-up report, the test was almost too successful – the clouds lingered much longer than expected. So long, in fact, that “any longer and it would have started snowing,” Harrison said.

The team is still investigating reports of the pollution clouds causing health problems to fauna in the area, as well as drifting to nearby cities and reducing their overall air quality by substantial amounts.

“Who cares about silly things like air quality? This is exciting!” Harrison said when asked about the blown-over clouds.

Government projections show this technology ready to use on a wide scale by 2017, bringing climate control to the rest of the United States.

FCC Gives OK For AT&T Purchase Of Verizon Wireless

Posted on March 14, 2015 by DesireeAmber

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

Verizon Wireless CEO Dan Mead announced this past Friday that their wireless company and its entire network is set to be purchased by rival AT&T.

After increased speculation of the merger, the two carriers arranged the conference to discuss the resolution of Wednesdays FCC meeting and approval. After keeping the deal quiet for the two years it’s taken for the FCC to give the go-ahead, the companies say they are glad to be able to make the information public.

“Verizon wireless has had a successful hand at the wireless industry, and we’ve exceeded all possibilities since PrimeCo. As a company, we would like to see another carrier try its hand at covering everywhere on top of their own already stellar coverage. It’s time for us to focus on other ventures, and leave cell phones to hot shots like John Leger and Randall Stephenson!”

Many customers were alarmed by the news, as no newsletter or update was sent to customers when the proposition was even approved for submission to the FCC. Outraged customers and patrons of the company alike have been bombarding VZW and AT&T offices day and night with requests for new phones and plan changes before the company merger takes effect.

“They’re going to kill all of our services,” said Verizon subscriber Joe Goldsmith. “It’s like when Verizon bought out Unicel, and I had to get a whole new phone, change plans, all that shit. It was a pain. All it did for me was give me more headaches and a higher bill. AT&T is bound to raise prices again, because that’s what these companies do. I swear to God, I’m just going to go back to writing letters and calling people from a landline.”

The total buyout is set to take place January 2016, with transition plans for all customers moving service to AT&T. With all employment and service details not yet ironed out, both carriers are under a lot of heat due to the arrangement. While both companies maintain a loyal following, its hard to say what the future entails and whether or not their loyal customers will follow to a new company or what incentives will follow.

“We’ll make sure everyone is taken care of,” said AT&T spokesman Gerald Bryant. “I mean, once we become one company, and we change our name to AT&V, who knows what could happen. With the two biggest cell phone companies combined as one, we might just give free phones to anyone who asks! Who could stop us?!”

Sprint and T-Mobile had no comment on the merger, because they were too busy fighting for last place in the cellular market.

Woman Posts ‘Ten Hours Walking in Heels’ Video To Internet – The Comments She Gets Are Disgusting

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Justin Birch

CHICAGO, Illinois –

One of the most recent fads on the internet is the “ten hours walking” video – a montage of a person, usually with some particular identifying characteristic, walking down the streets of a city to prove a point. The latest of these is “Ten Hours Walking in Heels,” filmed by possibly the bravest woman on the planet.

Sandra Gaaf said she got the idea one day when she was trying on a pair of high heels at a shoe store, walking up and down the aisle to get a feel for them, when a man walked by and said simply: “those look painful.”

That was the only spark she needed.

“I still can’t believe we live in a world where a woman can’t walk around in bone-deformingly high heels without getting comments about them,” said Gaaf.

The following day she set out wearing the same pair of heels and walked the streets of Chicago. Men and women alike turned their heads and grimaced as she walked by. Out of all the comments and looks, Gaaf says one stood out and stuck with her for the entire day.

“This woman had the nerve to act compassionate and concerned. It’s about three minutes into the video – she says, ‘hey lady, I’ve got a spare pair of sneakers – you look like you could use them!’ Can you believe that? I mean, what was she trying to say with that last part?”

As part of Gaaf’s experiment she bit her lip and kept walking, but couldn’t shake the remark even during our interview.