Dangerous New ‘Tongue Zipper’ Trend Rising In Popularity Amongst Teens

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CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

Parents, be warned! A dangerous new form of “tongue splitting” is becoming increasingly popular with teens, as more and more have their tongue split down the middle, and then have a zipper forcefully attached in its place.

Tongue splitting itself has been a fringe form of body modification for years, although often difficult to find safe environments for the operation to be performed. With many piercing shops refusing to do it out of severe medical issues that could arise, it was often something that needed to be performed by a plastic surgeon.

New techniques, though, have made it possible for many teens to do the “surgery” themselves, in the comfort of their own homes.

“Oh yeah man, it was pretty easy, actually,” said Joe Goldsmith, 16. “I pretty much just stole a pair of scissors from school, and I cut right down the middle of my friend Amanda’s tongue. No problem at all. It was a bit more of a bitch getting the blood out of my mom’s shag carpet, though. Then, we took a zipper of a pair of old jeans, and we kind of forced it into the open wound area. Once it was healed, she was good to go.”

Many body modification enthusiasts say that tongue splitting amongst teens is at an all-time high, especially now that they are performing the mod themselves in their own home.

“I waited until my stupid bitch mom passed out drunk like she does every night, and then I snuck out to have my tongue zippered at a friend’s house,” said Joanne Myers, 14. “My fat cow mother screamed when she saw it, but I think it’s bad ass, and my boyfriend loves it when I go down on him now.”

Parents are cautioned to not allow their children to play with sharp objects, knives, or scissors. If they have have pants with zippers, remove the zippers immediately and replace with velcro or button snaps to avoid possible misuse.

Elementary School Student Arrested For Sharing Sandwich, Accidentally Poisoning Classmate

CARSON CITY, Nevada – 

A 7-year-old boy was arrested and is being charged with murder after he allegedly shared a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a classmate, which causes him to have an allergic reaction and die, say police in Carson City, Nevada.

According to police reports, a child, whose identity is being withheld due to his age, brought a PB&J to class, despite the entire school being a “peanut free zone.” The act, which normally would have not been a crime, was turned into a massive ordeal after the child shared his sandwich with a classmate, 6-year-old Tommy Dill.

“Little Tommy was allergic to peanuts, and was part of the reason that the school is a peanut-free zone,” said school superintendent Carl Reiner. “Unfortunately, Tommy went into anaphylactic shock, and died on the way to the hospital.”

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The child who brought the sandwich to school is being charged with reckless endangerment, murder, and attempted assault. Because this was his first time bringing peanut butter to class, he will be charged as a minor. Prosecutors say he is lucky.

“If we had heard about previous warnings about peanut butter or any nuts being brought to class by this child, then we’d have been pushing for the death penalty,” said lawyer Dewey Cheatum. “Instead, he lucked out. This was his first offense, and we’re going to just push for what we can. We’re confident that he will not see the light of day until his 40th birthday.”

 

Children With Imaginary Friends More Likely To Be Gay, Study Finds

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Boston Medical School have been studying children who claim that they have “imaginary friends” for over 2 decades, and their findings – which were released today – are shocking.

“Children who have imaginary friends are 89% more likely to turn out to be gay,” said professor Joe Goldsmith of the Boston Medical School. “We have no idea why this is the case, but in following 200 young children, 100 of whom played with imaginary friends, and 100 of whom did not, from the ages of 3 to 23, a staggering 100% of the children without IFs, as well call them, were straight. Of the children with IFs, 90 of them turned out to be gay.”

Goldsmith says that they are continuing to search for the link between the imaginary friend and homosexual tendencies, but so far, they are coming up empty-handed.

“We have no idea why this kids are, almost without fail, growing up to be gay,” said Goldsmith. “The nice thing, though, is that if your child is often playing with an imaginary friend, you can almost be assured of their homosexuality later in life. It’s a real tell of what’s to come.”

The study was funded, in part, by the American Psychiatric Association and the Catholic church.

U.S. Teens Abusing Epidurals In Dangerous New Drug Trend

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Already stricken with a massive heroin epidemic, many towns in New England are shocked to hear of a dangerous new trend by their local teenage drug users – unregulated epidurals.

The drug, given to pregnant women as an injection in the spine during childbirth, provides an almost completely immobile state, and teens say it’s one of the “best highs” they’ve ever experienced.

“Oh hell yeah man, I’ve done the Eps a few times now, and it’s fucking great,” said Joey Goldsmith, 16. “I used to just smoke weed, maybe some ‘shrooms once in a while, but then my buddy turned me onto Eps, and I can’t get enough of it. Your whole body goes numb, you can’t move. Hell, sometimes I even shit myself without knowing it. Best high ever, bro.”

Doctors say that epidurals, although mostly safe under controlled conditions in hospitals, does carry risks, especially when being injected by non-experienced users.

“Heroin was bad enough. We see so many ODs, but we also get infections from bad injections,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the Concord General Hospital in Concord, New Hampshire. “With epidurals, the needle actually has to go directly into the spine, and it’s very complicated. Someone could be permanently paralyzed if they were injected improperly.”

“I’ve had probably 15 epidurals this week alone,” said user Joanne Couch, 14. “It’s really intense. I can’t move my legs at all, and I can barely move my hands. Lots of times, I take it, and then the guys I’m with have sex with me, but I can’t stop them, because I can’t move. I guess it’s rape, but I don’t really mind, because Eps are awesome. So much fun having someone stick you in the spine. It’s like tickles all over, but on the inside. It’s fun!”

Health officials warn that if your teen is taking epidurals, they may have some severe mental health problems.

“Ask your children if they have experienced an epidural, or Eps, as the kids call it, and get them help immediately,” said Brown.

Kids Lure Cats to Death with Laser Pointer

Kids Lure Cats to Death with Laser Pointer

BANGOR, Maine –

Cat owners can sleep a little easier now that suspects have been apprehended for luring at least five local cats to their deaths, endangering unsuspecting drivers. The names of two juveniles have not been released, but the laser pointer allegedly used was reportedly found upon strip-search of the boys.

Distressed neighbors had put signs around the community, warning drivers to be extra cautious.

The Bangor Daily News reports that Bill Dodge, 44, was the hero that finally caught the boys. He had seen the signs posted in the neighborhood and immediately slowed down when he saw suspicious red light.

“Big orange tabby. Smart fella- didn’t follow it into the road. I chased them boys now got a holda one of them. Pinned him down with my knee and dialed 911.”

Jenny Jackson, 37 was the first victim of the vicious trick. “A while off I saw a red light flashing on the side of the road. Then it stopped. I just thought they were messing around with me when I saw the little red dot in the street.  A second later I saw the poor cat, and it was too late.

There was such a horrible thud. It was dark so I couldn’t make out much, but it looked like teenage boys in baseball caps, and I heard them cackling as they ran away through someone’s yard. Laughing! I couldn’t believe it. What if I swerved and hit a pole?”

 

Movie Theatres Begin Charging Extra To Patrons Who Leave Behind Mess

Movie Theatres Begin Charging Extra To Patrons Who Leave Behind Mess

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Several large movie theatre chains have come together to begin enforcing new rules in their establishments. According to memos sent to employees for General Cinema, Cinema Center, Frontier Theaters, and Cineline Theaters, all state that beginning May 1st, patrons who leave behind their popcorn bags or buckets, or soda cups will be forced to pay an “exit fee.”

“Basically, we gave up on people. It is impossible for most theatre customers to buy food, take it into the theatre, and then take it back out again when they leave,” said General Cinema manager Tom Joseph. “Instead, before patrons are allowed to leave, we will watch to see who leaves behind their food, or who has spilled or made large messes in the aisles. These people will have to pay an additional $5, or be forced to clean up their own mess.”

“The entire project is a cost-saving measure for us,” said Cineline CEO Milton Browne. “We pay employees top minimum-wage dollars to work for us, and they have to clean up after hundreds, maybe thousands of people a day, who cannot seem to get the popcorn from the bucket to their faces without throwing it over three aisles. It’s absurd. This way, people will be inclined to keep things neat and tidy, or else they’ll be faced with a fine. No different than a littering fine out in the world.”

Most patrons say that they will refuse to continue seeing movies in the theatre if they are forced to pay additional fees.

“This is some serious bullshit,” said frequent movie goer Charles Demar. “I like to go in with my nachos, chips, drinks, and huge bags of candy, plop my fat ass in a seat, and proceed to plow through it all, making as much of a mess as I want. Now they want me to stay neat or pay an additional fine? Get real.”

“I will never go to any of these theatres again,” said Bonnie Richards, a mother of 3 small children. “I often take my wreckless, loud, obnoxious, asshole children with me to see movies, and they like to run around and throw popcorn and make a mess. I should be allowed to let them do that, while disturbing everyone else in the theatre, and then not have to worry about cleaning up after them. I do enough cleaning up at home. Frankly, I hope every single one of these chains goes out of business.”

School In Arizona To Automatically Pass All Students To Avoid ‘Hurting Anyone’s Feelings’

School In Arizona To Automatically Pass All Students To 'Not Hurt Anyone's Feelings'

JEROME, Arizona – 

A school board in Jerome, Arizona has voted to pass all students through each grade, regardless of the student’s grades or abilities, each year up to, and including, graduation senior year. The school says that it is in an effort to “decrease student drop-out rates” and “increase morale amongst the kids.”

According to the Jerome Gazette, the drop-out rate for students in their school district is a whopping 63%.

“Most kids here, they make it to about 7th or 8th grade, then they drop out. It’s really frustrating. We have good teachers but bad students, basically,” said school board president Larry Moore. “They start leaving when they realize they’ll never graduate anyway, so they’d rather start working at their fast food job then, rather than waiting and feeling sorry for themselves.”

School superintendent Florence Simms says that they decided to just start passing students regardless of their level of comprehension of a subject, and regardless of grades, so that more kids might be tempted to stay in school.

“It doesn’t matter that they know we’re passing them even if they’re completely stupid,” said Simms. “What matters is they’re staying, coming to school for the 8 hours each day, and eventually, something might sink in. I’d rather that they have a little bit more education, even if it’s just learning their times tables or how to write in cursive, before heading off to the world of work than having almost no education. Plus, we sometimes had kids who did apply themselves, and graduated for real. One with honors, even. So how does that make the rest of the kids feel? Horrible. We don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

Students seems mostly pleased with the new rule on automatic passing, saying that they are happy they will end up with an actual diploma.

“I was pretty much ready to drop out,” said 14-year-old Michael Davidson. “My dad dropped out. Grandpa dropped out. Mom dropped out when she got pregnant with my sister. Oh, yeah – my sister dropped out, too. Guess I’ll be the first one in my family to get a high school degree. Shit, maybe I can go to college now, too!”

Simms says that the program is one that she hopes other schools with high drop-out rates will consider, modeling their programs after what Jerome has done.

“It’s a real winner,” said Simms. “This year, we’ll have 14 graduates! That’s 12 more than last year. By 2035, we anticipate having a graduating class of over 200. Mostly because all these idiots who we’re passing through will be boning like mad and having more idiot kids. The cycle is strong, here in Jerome.”

 

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Incites Riots, $250k Damage

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Causes Riots, $250k Damage

BEACONSFIELD, Iowa – 

A small town in Iowa has completely banned all music from being played within city limits after a punk rock music concert caused over $250,000 in damage to local businesses.

According to police chief Mario Fellows, a punk rock music concert was booked at the Beaconsfield American Legion, featuring an underground band called ‘CarcinomaSnail’ as the headliner. The band, who are known for their intense live shows which feature songs about death, murder, and misogyny, filled the town – which normally only has 150 permanent residents – with over 500 punk and rock music fans from the surrounding area, most of whom were reportedly rowdy, drunk, and violent.

“We ended up having about 47 arrests the night of the concert,” said Officer Fellows. “The show ended and the kids, they just went out and basically rioted. They overturned cars, destroyed windows of buildings and stores, set fires, and held up a liquor-slash-convienience store for the entire day’s take – $11.48.”

Fellows said that the show’s promoters, a small group called WeRockU out of Des Moines, had gained permission from the local American Legion to hold the show there after they were not able to secure a venue in a bigger area.

“We lost the lease at our normal venue, because Des Moines kids were always having fights or passing out drunk or nodding off, whatever,” said WeRockU’s Matt Briggs. “So we set up the show in Beaconsfield, where we figured no one would give a shit what we did. Turns out, the kids from Des Moines who just go to any punk show they can, they came out here, and yeah, guess we had some similar issues. But, man, whatever. Punk-fucking-rock, right, bros?”

The town is suing WeRockU for breach of contract, which stated that no damage would happen to the Legion building, or the surrounding town. WeRockU has filed a countersuit, claiming that the Legion did not provide adequate parking as was stated in the original agreement.

Officer Fellows says that the headlining act was not held responsible or charged with inciting a riot.

“As it turns out, they’re actually really nice people,” said Officer Fellows. “They play some angry music from what I could hear while I was outside the building, but they were just sweet, nice folks who played their music, and left peacefully to head to their next gig. Everything happened after they had left. They’re fine guys and gals who I hope make it very big and have lots of success.”

The town decided to ban all music, live or recorded, in hopes that no one ever has the intention of bringing a rock show to their town in the future. A new sign has been posted on each end of the one-road town stating “Welcome To Beaconsfield – Throw Out Your Records.”

 

Congress In Talks To Completely Abolish Age of Consent Laws Throughout Country

Congress In Talks To Completely Abolish Age of Consent Laws Throughout Country

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Congressman Fisher Lewis (D- Delaware) has brought a bill to Washington that seeks to completely abolish the age of consent laws, putting a federal mandate on states that would force them to remove any rules from the books – as well as setting free prisoners who have been locked up for statutory rape offenses.

“Basically, I think that these laws for age of consent are nonsense,” said Lewis. “I don’t understand why we are putting laws on the books that dictate when a person should be ready for sexual intercourse. No one can decide that. It’s just silly, and I hope to reverse these laws nation wide.”

Lewis says that he became very concerned about the laws after his son, Michael, 17, was brought up on charges of statutory rape for having consensual sex with his 16-year-old girlfriend, Carrie.

“Michale and Carrie have been dating since they were 11,” said Lewis. “Seriously – they’ve been inseparable for years. Both of our families used to joke they’d be together one day, and then married. Here it is, 6 years later, and yes, they’re having sex. Have been for awhile. Michael came to me right away and we spoke of it. I’ve even spoken to Carrie, and know it was all consensual, of course. But, her staunch republican parents don’t like the idea all of a sudden, and Michael was arrested. It broke them both into tears for days.”

Lewis says that in his state of Delaware, a crime was committed, as the age of consent for both men and women is 18 – but in many other states, it would be no big deal.

“If they had been in New Hampshire, for example, then there’d be no issue – the AOC there is 16 for boys and girls. Are kids in New Hampshire that much more advance than my kids in Delaware? What’s the problem with this scenario?” Asked Lewis.

It’s true that states have different laws deciding when the children in that state are legally old enough to make decisions about their own sex lives, but most parents agree that abolishing the laws completely is ridiculous.

“Why don’t they just make it the same in every state? 16 across the board? or 18 across the board – who cares?” asked concerned parent Tanya Morris of Virginia. “Frankly, abolishing it completely frightens me. What if my 11-year-old daughter hooks up with some sweet-talking 40-year-old. Sure, it could be ‘consensual,’ but my God, I don’t want her to turn out like me – pregnant at 12 and hooking in the streets!”

So far, Lewis is undeterred in his quest to abolish the laws.

“It’s not even just about Michael, whose name I was able to clear using my power in Congress,” said Lewis. “It’s making sure that kids everywhere are free to bang it out whenever they personally decide they’re ready without having the threat of prison and sex-offender tag hanging over their heads.”

Nickelodeon To Air Reruns Of HBO’s ‘Game Of Thrones’, ‘Real Sex’ During Late Night Hours

Nickelodeon To Air Reruns Of HBO's 'Game Of Thrones', 'Real Sex' During Late Night Hours

 

NEW YORK, New York –

Viacom Media Networks, who owns and operates children’s programming network Nickelodeon, has announced that the company has signed a deal with HBO to air reruns of the popular series Game of Thrones, as well as reruns of the once popular Real Sex series, which HBO aired from 1990 – 2009.

Viacom CEO Thomas Bradbury said that the move will round out a great schedule of broadcasting for Nickelodeon. “During the late-morning up until early-evening hours Nickelodeon programming is obviously directed toward the children’s demographic, which left quite a void in the early-morning hours, which we will now be calling ‘Twilight Shift Programming’,” Bradbury said earlier today.

Bradbury said that other programs will be added to a four-hour block from midnight to 4am, but that no other programs have yet been made official. “Eventually, we will be able to fill the four hour twilight time period with four different programs, but as of now, it looks like the block will consists of two hours Game of Thrones, and two hours of Real Sex.”

Asked whether or not the adult related content in the programs would contradict their daytime programming, Bradbury stated that it simply would not be an issue. “We do not believe anyone will find any harm in the programming, in fact we feel that customers will be greatly pleased, because now there will be something for everyone on Nickelodeon,” the CEO said. “Once the kids go to bed, you can enjoy all the sex, beheadings, incest, boobs, and blood you crave, but without having to pay for an extra cable subscription.”

Nickelodeon is slated to begin airing the programs this spring.

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