Teenage Girl Dies After Holding In Farts During School Dance

Posted on February 10, 2015 by JP

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

Parents and students at St. Petersburg high school are in shock and tears today after the news of the death of 16-year-old Katy Campbell. Campbell, a junior at St. Petersburg, died while attending a school dance, and the county coroner is claiming her death could have easily been avoided.

According to Dr. Joe Goldsmith of the St. Petersburg Medical Examiner’s Office, Campbell’s stomach imploded, and she died during the high school Winter Wonderland Dance.

“Katy died due to a large amount of built-up methane gas in her stomach,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, we believe she was holding in a bad case of stinky flatulence, this causing her stomach and bowels to rupture. If she had just broken that wind, she would still be here today.”

Police investigators are ruling the death accidental, and say no foul-play is suspected. “Basically, Katy Campbell had the biggest date of her life, and apparently her parents, who are vegans, forced her to eat a giant plate of beans, kale, and spinach before she was picked up,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the St. Petersburg Police Department. “She tried desperately to hold in her gas so she would not be laughed at by her hunky jock date. Sadly, it ended her life. The parents have been through enough, so we will not be charging them as accessories, despite forcing the horrible meal onto poor Katy.”

“I wish she had just run off into the bathroom, or a dark corner somewhere, and just let that fart go,” said Katy’s date, Bob Eakafe. “I mean hell – I farted a couple times while we were dancing. Don’t think anyone noticed. Poor Katy, she probably thought she did it. It’s depressing really, because now I have no one to take to the spring dance next month.”

In lieu of flowers, Katy’s parents request donations be made to your local natural gas company.

7-Year-Old Boy, 8-Year-Old Girl On Bank Robbery Spree Across Midwest

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

OMAHA, Nebraska –

While some may have thought that outlaw bank robberies were a terror that only our great-grandparents had to deal with, one duo has proven it is anything but.

Robert Middleton and Stacey Antworth are not your run-of-the-mill bank robbers for many reasons. The main reason being that the two have combined for a total of 15 years on the Earth. Middleton turned eight in January, according to his mother. Antworth is seven, and will be eight in April.

The two have committed 16 bank robberies as they cross the country, and the reason for their success is simple: “They’re too cute to say no to,” says bank teller Rebecca Oliver. “When they come through the door in their oversized suit and dress, and they try to sound tough and point finger-guns at you… you kind of just have to turn the money over.”

Ohio bank manager, Lauren Whittle, stated that she did apprehend them at one point, but only to give them the biggest hug in the whole wide world. “I just wanted to love them forever,” she said. “The rules clearly state that when someone comes in and demands money, our job is to give them the money. The problem is that due to all the gushing over how cute they are, we all forgot to alert the police until it was too late.”

Both children were reported missing in Pennsylvania by their respective parents in September. Detectives assigned to the case had originally believed the parents had been involved. However, it now appears the two children have made their route via hitchhiking. The two have since been seen in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Iowa. As to how they got there, officials stated the two were catching rides with friendly truckers.

“I don’t know who could say no to those faces,” said Geoffery Jefferies. The long-haul trucker stated he picked up the duo in Indiana. I saw them on the side of the road and waving their finger-guns in the air and holding a bag of money.” Jefferies stated he simply felt compelled to pick them up.

“Look, you have two adorable kids holding up a wad of cash and trying to make a mean face. You have to give them a ride. They were adorable as hell. They tell the best stories… it was the best cross-state trip I ever had.”

When asked if he felt the kids are in danger, Jefferies scoffed and claimed, “Ain’t nobody in this world is dumb enough to hurt these kids. They’ve been known on the two-ways for a month now, and we take care of our own on the highways and byways of this country.”

The two adorable bank robbers are assumed to be somewhere in Nebraska. Their parents are hoping that someone will be kind enough to reunite them to their children soon.

Former ‘Legends Of The Hidden Temple’ Contestants Come Forward, Allege They Were Molested By Host

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ORLANDO, Florida –

Several former participants on the 90s Nickelodeon TV show Legends of the Hidden Temple have come forward this week, alleging that while they were contestants, they were molested by the show’s host.

The former contestants, who are being identified by only by their first names, John, Marc, and Ray, were all 11 and 12 years old when they competed on the show in the early 90s. The series, which ran from 1993 to 1995, was a staple for kids from that era, pitting teams such as the Silver Snakes against the Purple Parrots in history and mythology-related quizzes and activities.

All three of the victims, now in their early 30s, say they were molested while they were contestants on the show’s second season.

“Nickelodeon knew it was going on, but they did nothing,” said John. “I’m sure there were others. We all were on different episodes, and none of us believe it was limited to just our experiences.”

“We tried reaching out to executives at Viacom, the parent company of Nickelodeon, but they shrugged us off,” said Marc. “They definitely don’t want the controversy. Well to hell with that. I’ve stayed quiet long enough. We all have, and we’re hoping that coming forward now, we can get the real truth out.”

“It’s all true,” said Ray. “I was on the Silver Monkeys, and we won the game, but I lost when I was running through the temple. After the show, when everyone had cleared out, Olmec called me over to him. He’s a giant talking stone head, you know? He had this massive mouth, and he was telling me ‘It’s okay, it’s okay. Not everyone wins.’ Then he told me to take off my shirt so he could ‘look at me.’ I didn’t know what else to do.”

“A similar thing happened to me,” said Marc. “Olmec…he was really persuasive. He told me to just take my penis out, and rest it on his big stone lips. There was no one around, and he frightened me. I did it, but I didn’t like it.”

The three men say they are filing suit against Nickelodeon for allowing them to be abused while ‘under the care’ of the program. Representatives for Nickelodeon say that Olmec was ‘long ago destroyed’ when Nickelodeon Studios was torn down, and the company should ‘no longer be held responsible’ for the sexual perversions of their show’s prop.

Family Friend Reveals Shocking Secret About Kim & Kanye’s Baby

Posted on December 30, 2014 by Empire News

LOS ANGELES, California –

You can hardly turn on your television these days without seeing a Kardashian, and with the recent Kim-Kanye nuptials, it’s been like a flesh-eating virus that refuses to go away.

Rumors about Kanye’s controlling behaviors and Kim’s ever-present derrière pics continue to plague the internet and social media. According to a Kardashian insider, Kanye controls everything Kim does, right down to the clothes she wears, the photos she posts, and limiting her public appearances.

“Kanye is on an unrelenting quest to have the perfect family – well, a perfect family that is obsessed over by the media, anyway,” said the anonymous source, a reported close friend of the couple. “Kim fills the wife roll perfectly, or at least parts of her do, and now it turns out that he has taken his quest one huge, dramatic, over-the-top step further.”

While it remains no big surprise that the couple’s one-year-old baby, North West, is already being made into a media staple, apparently the unusual method of conception has been kept a secret since her birth. For years, many infertile parents have resorted to in vitro fertilization as a means of reproduction, but in Kim and Kanye’s case, it was used for a much less conventional purpose.

“In order for his child to have the best chances of having the specific traits he most desired, Kanye resorted to creating his very own genetically modified offspring,” according to the anonymous source. “With the help of the Center for Genetic Research in San Diego, two sets of eggs were fertilized with Kanye’s sperm – one from Kim, and one from another woman named Erica Goldsmith. Mrs. Goldsmith’s eggs contained precisely what Kanye was looking for when it came to ‘proper’ genetic makeup. It cost him millions of dollars to have the tests, research, and implanting done.”

Since North West is one of the first of such genetically modified ‘designer babies,’ the end result of the procedure cannot be truly know until she begins to mature. Undoubtably, the couple will continue to chart the progress of their lab-created bundle of joy through the normal socialite methods of Twitter and Instagram.

Taliban Vows to Kill More Children If Demands Aren’t Met

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PESHAWAR, Pakistan –

On Monday night, while most of America slumbered safely in their beds, Taliban gunman stormed a school in the Northwestern Pakistani city of Peshawar. Group leaders say the attack that killed 141 people, mostly children, will not be the last in their campaign.

A Pakistani military spokesman, Asim Bajwa, says this is not the first attack on children, and they expect the violence to escalate.

“This isn’t the first attack on our schools. The seven attackers are dead, thankfully, but I fear there will be bigger attacks to come. I don’t think that our government, or the American government, cares about this plight we are facing. I fear we are lost.”

“The problem is, there are many, many more people willing to join with the Taliban and blow their nuts off for this insane cause. All we can do is take ‘em out, one cave at a time,” said US military spokesperson Sam Jackson. “As aid, the US government plans to send some old metal detectors, retired volunteer policemen, and a guy wearing a McGruff the Crime Dog suit to help make their schools safer. We could send military, but to be honest, we just don’t give a shit about – Hey, wait. This is off the record, right?”

The Taliban has said that they believe this violent attack will help them recruit new members. “If you’re not with us you’re against us. Come join us, brothers, and we will teach you the way. We will kill soft, American piglets together. Death to infidels! Death to America!”

President Obama responded to the threats of further violence in Pakistan with a light shrug, and a frown-face. “We’ll do all we can, but to be fair, the gunmen have already been killed, so there’s no real reason to get involved right now. If this massacre and violence had happened in an American school, then the call to action would immediate. But this all happened on a foreign land, with foreign forces attacking foreign people in a foreign school. I think for now, we’ll just wait it out.”

Nickelodeon Announces All-New Episodes Of Popular 90s Cartoons

Posted on December 15, 2014 by JP

ORLANDO, Florida –

Nickelodeon, the “TV Network for Children,” announced this morning that they are going to be running new episodes of several popular cartoons and shows from their 90s lineup. The announcement comes after huge ratings were garnered with the cartoons, as repeats have been airing for several years on Teen Nick.

“We used to have a dedicated channel, called GAS, or Games and Sports, just for our old Nickelodeon shows like Legends of the Hidden Temple and GUTS,” said Nickelodeon Spokesman Ren Hoek. “That channel did extremely well for us for years, because even as the children who grew up on those programs became adults, there was still a nostalgia factor that they loved, and they’d tune in. We hope for everyone to experience that same nostalgia as we bring back classic cartoons from our 90s lineup.”

Shows from the ‘classic’ lineup that are getting new episodes are said to include Hey Arnold!, Rugrats, CatDog, and Are You Afraid of the Dark? Some shows that started during that era are still airing new episodes on Nickelodeon, such as Spongebob Squarepants, which has been in continuous rotation on the channel for years, celebrating its 15th year on the air in 2014.

“We really just want to give these kids – excuse me, these young adults – what they want,” said Hoek. “You have to understand, that a lot of those children who grew up on shows like Doug or Clarissa Explains it All are old enough that they have kids, and they want to share memories of their favorite old shows with their children now. We want to make sure they get that.”

“This is the best damn thing I’ve heard in ages!” said Nickelodeon fan Joe Goldsmith. “Are You Afraid of the Dark is one of my favorite shows of all time. I’ve been showing some of the old episodes to my son, Joey Jr., because they finally put them on Amazon Prime to stream, and he loves them. He’s 7, which is about the same age I was when I watched them. This is like a dream to get new episodes.”

According to Hoek, new episodes are being written and created now, and will each be introduced with a marathon of classic episodes, leading into a several hour block of new episodes. The entire list of shows that are getting new episodes has not yet been released.

Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The Word ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

Posted on December 10, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio just declared war on Christmas, and he’s making the children pay the price. NYC schools and chorus programs will have to change their Holiday shows to exclude songs with the word ‘Christmas’, or replace it with the word ‘Holiday’.

”I don’t hate Christmas, but it’s not about me, it’s about the thousands of children that don’t celebrate Christmas, and could find it offensive,” said de Blasio. “New York has always been the great melting pot, and our Muslim population has never been higher. After receiving complaints from Muslim leaders I’ve decided to cave in, basically. It’s not that big of deal really – it’s the time of year our schools put on their Holiday band and chorus shows, so just leave out songs that have the word ‘Christmas’ in them, or replace the word ‘Christmas’ with ‘Holiday’.”

“While we are at it, maybe it’s best not to have any songs with ‘Santa’ in them, either” said public school principal Mark DeWitt. “I agree whole-heartedly with the mayor on this decision. The important thing is not to offend anyone. ‘I’m dreaming of a white holiday’ is just as pretty as ‘white Christmas’. If we are all going to get along, we are going to have to change. And by ‘we’, I mean Americans are going to have to change.”

“It’s insane! ‘White Holiday?’ ‘It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Holiday’? It’s just stupid,” said Chorus instructor Carmine Classi,” We need a Mayor with a backbone, this guy is so far left he makes Obama look like a conservative, this city is going right down the holiday shitter, if you ask me.”

Chuck E. Cheese’s Plans Customer Background Checks To Deter Sex Offenders

Posted on November 10, 2014 by Chip

IRVING, Texas –

This morning the children’s entertainment franchise Chuck E. Cheese’s has announced their intention to deploy a new policy that will take effect January 2015. The company has decided it will require all customers to consent to a background check before entering their establishments. The company has said that if a potential guest shows up on the National Sex Offender Registry, they will be prohibited from entering the business.

Shortly after the official announcement, Morty Archibald, a Chuck E. Cheese’s General Manager and company spokesperson told the media that he expects the new policy to be the biggest win the company has seen in decades.

Archibald said “Look, it’s no secret; our net worth has drastically decreased since the 1980’s, primarily due to the perception that our business fosters an environment that attracts pedophiles and sex offenders that are just itching to snatch a kid, and partly due to the fact that we’re an arcade, which no one really cares about anymore.”

“If I’m being completely honest,” continued Archibald, “I’ve seen the parents that bring their kids to Chuck E. Cheese’s and I am of the belief that many of these kids would probably be better off with the child molesters and pedophiles. God, these parents are horrible sometimes. Most of them drink for hours straight, and then we let them drive these kids home. Why in the hell do we even serve alcohol?! Anyway, unfortunately our patrons and shareholders just don’t see it the same was that I do.”

According to Chuck E. Cheese’s, guests should now expect a 60 – 90 minute wait before entering the building. The spokesperson said that they will have a ‘shack-like’ building in the parking lot in which an employee will run a background check and provide all guests that have passed the check with a colored wristband.

The company will be requiring an upfront $25 fee from all potential guests. They say the fee will be going towards the cost of checking the National Sex Offender Registry, however the fee has been a point of controversy as the mentioned registry is available online for free.

Archibald said that on top of the background checks, Chuck E. Cheese’s will also become a ‘loner-free’ zone.

“We are no longer going to be allowing adults without children into our buildings, regardless of the background check. Chuck E. Cheese’s sees absolutely no reason that any adult would want to come here without bringing a child. This is just another way to make sure we’re keeping the creeps out, and the families happy.”

In addition, employees will be able to deny potential guests entrance at their discretion, even if the guest passes the background check. Archibald said “We will be encouraging our employees to use their natural instincts to discriminate against customers. We honestly feel it’s better to offend several minorities than lose one child.”

Though many are welcoming the company’s new policy, others say it’s just a washed out company’s sad attempt to regain relevance while charging unnecessary fees.

Casey Anthony Adopts 3-Year-Old Girl From Florida Foster Care Center

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Abe Abrams

ORLANDO, Florida –

Public court records reveal that Casey Anthony has adopted a 3-year-old girl from the Florida Foster Care and Adoption Agency. Casey Anthony is the infamous mother accused in the murder of her then 2-year-old daughter Caylee, in the 2011 trial that riveted the nation. Anthony and her lawyers were somehow able to overcome a mountain of evidence and, in a verdict that shocked the world, was found not guilty by a jury of people who must have been some of the stupidest people alive.

“I take my job seriously, and all applicants for adoption go through a rigorous screening process. I have to look at the facts, and the fact is, Casey was found not guilty in the murder of her natural-born daughter,” said Martha McDonald, the social worker in charge of the adoption. “The other fact is, we need to find homes for children in the foster care system. Casey filed all the paperwork properly, she has a home, a part-time job, and I think she just wants to have a normal life and have a family again. I wish their new family all the best, and I will probably check in with them from time to time, if I think of it, to make sure everything is okay – at least for the first month or two.”

Reporters found Anthony unboxing hammers for a display at the Home Depot, where she apparently works part-time as an associate. “Yup, it’s true. I’m going to be a mom again! I’m happy. Maggie, that’s my new daughter’s name, by the way, Maggie – she is happy. I just want to forget that whole former life and tragedy surrounding it, and move on. Maggie and I have a lot to look forward to. She’s excited about her new pre-school, we are having a pool installed, and I met a wonderful man. I just have to change his mind about not wanting children, though. Life is certainly looking up!”

Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

Posted on September 3, 2014 by DvanL

KANSAS CITY, Missouri –

Gummy Worms; Creepy Crawlies; The Cootie Game — the more repulsive a brand name sounds, the more popular it becomes with kids.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you haven’t heard of “Blister Pops™,” a frozen mixture of sweetened, brightly colored syrup, packaged in bubble-wrap. It’s the newest in-demand frozen treat aimed at kids.

When placed in the freezer, the blister packs expand, pop, and ooze the sweetened, semi-thickened fluid, which can be sucked directly out of the bubble, or through a syringe-shaped toy straw.

The product’s commercial jingle has become a nationwide “earworm,” and features a group of 8-year-olds pounding on a refrigerator door, chanting: I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP! I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!

“Kids love to be grossed out,” said Constance Feck, vice president of Unilever, owner of the Popsicle brand, one of the world’s most recognized frozen confectionary brand manufacturers. “The Blister Pops™ idea was pitched to us at the same time we were trying to re-invent some of our brands. Adults are eating less and less sugar, but when it comes to kids, they just can’t get enough.”

Parents and nutrition experts have expressed wildly mixed reactions about the controversial product. Stay-at-home Mom Stella Christy finally had to give in to her son’s demands for the frozen treat.

“I was in frozen foods,” said Christy, from her local Price Chopper Supermarket, “And little Jeffy-Ray saw the Pops in the dessert case. He recognized them from the commercial. He wouldn’t let up until I got some, and just like in the commercial, he didn’t want to wait. He begged for them before we even got to the checkout. Everyone kept looking at me like I was a bad mother because he kept asking if we had to wait ‘til his blisters popped! I was embarrassed. I went through the express line just as fast as I could. I left many items behind.”

Controversy over Blister Pops™ has prompted a reaction from the nation’s First Lady, Michelle Obama. In a statement released from The White House, Mrs. Obama said:

More and more unhealthy and empty calories are making up the bulk of our children’s diets. My “Let’s Get Moving” initiative emphasizes a balance of exercise, healthy eating habits and snack foods in moderation. Ultimately, it’s up to the parents, but if this frozen candy ends up as a school cafeteria menu item, I’m going to step in.

Feck understands the concerns and offered reassurances to concerned parents. “Our Blister Pops™ are a fine addition to a healthy, balanced diet. The Orange Blisters contain 50% of the minimum daily requirement of vitamin C, and that’s more than you get in a Florida orange! The Black-And-Blueberry Blister has added calcium for strong bones and healthy teeth! And if you get an actual burn,” added Feck, “you can apply any one of our blisters on your skin to prevent a blister!”

Popsicle brands plan to introduce more dessert and confectionary items aimed at the disturbed-youth market within the coming weeks.

Coming soon are Sweet ‘N’ Scabby Fruit Leathers, Pus-Ups, and Cand-Aids, citrus flavored chewing gum, in the shape of a Band-Aid.™ “We can’t wait until children from coast-to-coast tear those off and chew ‘em up! We’re positive kids will love them!”