Woman Claims She’s Pregnant With Pope’s Baby After Visit To Vatican City

Woman Claims She's Pregnant With Pope's Baby After Visit To Vatican City

VATICAN CITY, Rome – 

A trip to the Vatican generally means returning with heightened spiritual awareness, having had an awakening at one of the world centers of religion. One Californian woman got a little more than she bargained for. Christina Jean claims that, after a day trip to the holy city, she has returned pregnant with Pope Francis’ baby.

“The pope knocked me up,” the 32-year-old mother of five told Empire News. “Ol’ Francis is a charmer, and I won’t lie, I jumped at the opportunity to make sweet love to the head of the Catholic Church. Now I got Pope baby in my belly, and I can’t wait for my holy waters to burst.”

Vatican officials moved swiftly to deny Longman’s claims.

“This is a disgraceful attempt at defamation of Pope Francis,” said Vatican spokesman, Federico Lombardi. “The pope is celibate, as is well known, and although he is particularly charismatic, and he’d have a long line of ladies queuing up for the opportunity were he to break his vows, he is a truly upstanding leader, who would not lift a finger – or any limb – that compromised our holy institution.”

The pope himself went over and above his press office, organizing his own press conference to deal with the controversy.

“I know Christina well,” he told reporters. “She often comes to me with requests for blessings and prayers, and I have granted everything she has asked. A couple of months ago she asked for a blessing to become pregnant with a sixth child. I gave her the blessing – nothing more – which did indeed make her pregnant. That is where the misunderstanding came in. Chrissie Jean is not my lover. She’s just a girl who says that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.”

Jean, however, hit back at Pope Francis, saying that she felt “betrayed.”

“He said he’d look after me and our child, and now he denies everything. He said he’d leave his position for me. Francis dear, Why have you forsaken me?”

Justin Timberlake Buys Britney Spears’ Underwear At Auction; Jessica Biel Reportedly Files For Divorce

Justin Timberlake Buys Britney Spears' Underwear At Auction; Jessica Biel Reportedly Files For Divorce

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The underwear Britney Spears wore in her hit 1998 video Baby One More Time recently sold at a charity auction for $60,000, and the buyer has been rumored to be Spears’ ex-boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. Timberlake’s wife, actress Jessica Biel, has reportedly filed for divorce, citing the purchase of the underwear as the reason. 

“I don’t know why she’s so pissed,” said Timberlake. ”Those panties just bring back good memories of my youth. They were the same panties she wore the first time we did it. I couldn’t bare the thought of someone else owning them. More importantly, though, it was for charity, and I can afford it. Britney and I will always have the past, but Jessica is my future!” 

“On his head! I caught him wearing that skank’s panties on his head!” said Biel. ”I’m having his baby, I’m fat, I’m irritable, and I find him naked singing ‘Hit me baby one more time!’ with those panties on his head in the bedroom. I mean, I know it could have been worse. There are some much more disturbing things he could have been doing with those panties. Oh God – now I’m thinking about all those things! I can’t take this anymore!”

“Justin really wanted those panties, and my sources tell me the bid was only $100 when he upped it to $60,000,” said Hollywood reporter Mitch Mitchell. “The divorce is big news, but no one wants to take sides here. Justin has already been to Vegas twice to see Britney’s show. I think Justin will be just fine, here. As far as Jessica goes, well, I’m sure that if her body bounces back quickly, she’s set for life, anyway. In Hollywood, beauty never has to fade!”

 

Elderly Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

BURNSVILLE, West Virginia – 

94-year-old Margaret Holmwood from Burnsville, West Virginia gave a birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday morning, and both mother and baby are reportedly doing fine. The baby, named Mary, weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Margaret Holmwood already has two previous children. Her first, Jeremy Halmwood, is now 62 years old, and her daughter, Jennifer, is 71. Reporters reached out to Jeremy to discuss how he felt about having a new sibling who is over 60 years younger than he is.

“Well, it’s a little bit strange, I admit, but my mother has always been an unconventional woman. She divorced my father and married a man 48 years younger her junior,” said Jeremy Halmwood. “Three years ago, she climbed Mount Everest. She dances cha-cha at at a local dance studio every other day. I’m not so very surprised. At least my grandchildren will have some company to play with.”

Doctors from St. Mary’s Medical Center are impressed with Hollwood’s strength and young spirit. “Mrs. Holmwood has lived a very healthy lifestyle. Even though she is 94, she has the body of a 40-year-old. The birth was simple, we encountered no difficulties. It’s incredible,” says Dr. Patrick Collins.

Holmwood is interested in Eastern philosophy. She practices yoga and tai chi, eats only organic vegetables and lots of rice. She claims this is the way to stay young and fit for many, many years. “In my free time, I dance, climb, cook vegan delights. I don’t sit in front of TV with a bag of chips. I feel full of energy, and I am ready to raise Mary now,” says Margaret. “They will certainly keep me young. I only hope these ol’ teats will still deliver. God knows that no baby likes powdered milk!”

According to the doctors, Holmwood is a proof that people could live longer and age slower.

“She’s a miracle of modern health and science,” said Dr. Collins. “I only hope that when I’m 94, I’m half as energetic as Margaret.”

Identity of Malia Obama’s Baby-Daddy Is Leaked – You’ll Never Believe Who The Father Is!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Identity of Malia Obama's Baby-Daddy Is Leaked - You’ll Never Believe Who The Father Is

Now just over four months in to her pregnancy, spanks will soon stop concealing Malia’s budding baby bump when she appears in public with her family.

“They got on my case about rolling my eyes at the Turkey pardoning. Truth is, I was super nauseous,” said Malia. “Ever tried to stand in front of thousands of people, with cameras and lights everywhere, and all you want to do is puke? I begged Daddy not to have to go, but appearances are all that matters to anybody around here.”

When asked about the possible paternity of Malia’s baby, White House representatives have no official comment at this time, instead deflecting by saying the Obama’s are having a nice family vacation away from ‘all this nonsense.’

Sources at Malia’s school, though, claim that they are fully aware of who the father is, and they say that it’s not who everyone first suspected.

“At first we all, like, thought she was just lying about the whole thing to get her old boyfriend Conner back. Conner and Malia hardly ever got alone time, ’cause of like, the secret service and paparazzi everywhere and stupid stuff like that, so Conner broke it off,” says Amanda, a 17-year-old ‘frenemy’ of Malia’s. “But that made Malia, like, super pissed and totally jello. So, she made a big deal in the media about how her baby-daddy wasn’t going to pay his child support because he was white. It was so racist. It totally broke Conner’s heart, too. But like, don’t worry about Conner. I’m keeping him, like, totally happy now.”

According to Amy, though, the real father was never Conner at all. “What I heard from another friend at school that is like, super close with Malia is that [Malia] has always had a thing for someone in the royal family,” said Amy. “She totally likes men in power, of course. When you’re, like, rich, or like, the president’s daughter, that probably just happens naturally. Anyway, apparently Malia snuck off with Prince Harry a couple of times when he was visiting the U.S. I think he’s like, totally gotta be the father. Which is like, so gross, because he’s really old. At least when she has the baby, they’re going to have, like, the best nannies that money can buy.”

The Obamas are currently on vacation in Hawaii, and had ‘nothing to say’ on the matter. No members of the Royal Family could be reached for comment.

Actress, Singer Tila Tequila Gets Cosmetic Surgery To Make Her Appear Pregnant

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Actress Tila Tequila Gets Cosmetic Surgery To Make Her Appear Pregnant

Actress, porn star, singer, and TV personality Tila Tequila has undergone a new type of cosmetic surgery not well-known in this country. Although popular in places like Mexico and Uganda, Tequila’s ‘pregnancy implant’ is the first of its kind as performed by plastic surgeons in the United States.

Tequila says that she got the implant because she thought that “looking pregnant” was sexy, and that the new faux-bump would give her the look without all the ‘messy after effects’ that come with having a baby.

“Pregnant women are so unbelievably sexy,” said Tequila. “Something about a woman carrying a baby really turns me on. I always wanted to have that look, but I’ll be damned if I wanted to actually have to go through the whole process of pushing a baby out of my vajay. I’ve got a living to make, and that living is underwritten by how tight my stomach, abs, and vagina are. This surgery is the next best thing to actually getting all preggers.”

Tequila’s surgeon, Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, said that the fake pregnancy bump was actually designed to only last about 9 months, and it would slowly ‘deflate’ after.

“It’s not your typical implant, like a breast implant, that is there forever. This type of implant is designed to be very large for the same duration as a typical pregnancy, then slowly disintegrate back into the body afterwards. The actual implant itself is made from human tissue and water capsules, and is all completely safe.”

For now, Tequila says she is enjoying her ‘baby bump,’ and says that maybe someday she will want to have a baby for real.

“In the mean time, though, I can still party hard and get all the attention I’ve always been used to, but now everyone will really want to screw me.”

Morgue Delivers Living Baby From Pregnant Corpse

FREEDOM, New Hampshire – Morgue Delivers Living Baby From Pregnant Corpse

A woman who died in a car accident last week in New Hampshire gave funeral directors at a local morgue quite a scare this morning, after the staff discovered that the woman’s baby, who was thought to have also died in the crash, was still alive. The mortician, Brian Warner, and his assistant, Carlie Neil, were able to successfully remove the baby from its mother, and the newborn is said to be in fair condition at Freedom Memorial Hospital.

“Craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Warner of the incident. “The woman, I won’t say her name out of respect for the deceased, but the woman was brought in a few days ago, and she was a wreck. Just awful. Accident nearly tore her face clean off. You ever seen someone whose face was ripped from their body? Of course you haven’t. I’ve seen worse in my day thanks to that Vietnam Conflict, but not by much.”

“I was just prepping her for embalming, when I noticed that there was something moving under the skin of her stomach,” said Neil. “I honestly thought it could be some sort of parasite. Turns out I was close – it was her baby. Since she was dead already, we didn’t bother with any formalities – we just cut into her and pulled the baby right out. He was pretty lethargic when we pulled him out, but I’d seen enough movies and TV to know one quick smack on the ass would fix him up, and it worked. He took a breath, and he never stopped crying after that.”

Doctors say that for the woman’s baby to have survived 6 days inside of her after she had died is nothing short of miraculous.

“Babies feed off what their mother’s eat and drink – they really are like a little parasite growing inside. A person can’t normally go that long without food or water, and a growing baby needs the nutrition even more. The fact that he made it out alive, I can’t believe it. It’s highly possible that he’s the reincarnated Baby Jesus or something. I don’t know, I’m just a doctor, what do I know? I have to say, though, that this whole situation is a medical marvel.”

 

Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

LOS ANGELES, California – Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

Amid speculation that Oprah Winfrey is sporting a conspicuous baby bump, the queen of media announced this morning that she will be giving birth to a baby girl. Winfrey turned 60 years old this year.

Sources close to Winfrey say she is thrilled, and can’t wait for the surgery to have the bundle of joy excised in a minimally invasive surgery to take place in February. “I wish I could move the appointment to tomorrow, but I’m afraid she’ll show up without taste buds and eyelashes, or missing several fingers or something,” The Big O gushed in a recent interview.

Stedman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend since 1986, is reportedly not the father, as the pair were way too old to get pregnant naturally. Curiously, instead of the couple claiming the baby together as parents, Oprah has decided instead to name life-long best friend Gayle King as the baby’s father for ‘public purposes.’ On being a new father, King reportedly stated, “I never wanted children myself, but if it makes Oprah happy, it’s all worth it! And being baby-daddy to a billionaire’s kid doesn’t hurt either!”

As excited as she is to become a parent and have someone to pass her extreme wealth onto after she passes, it’s well-documented that at Oprah’s advanced age, risks of possible complications for both the mother and unborn child are significant.

According to Dr. Jan Foster, M.D., an obstetrician who did not treat Oprah; “I personally would advise her that she is exceptionally vulnerable to complications that can lead to preeclampsia, a potentially fatal condition. Plus the child could develop a learning disability, blindness, or worse.”

But the once daytime TV giant’s determination is unshakable.

“I look better than I did in the 80s, and I’m pretty sure my uterus does too. I may be 60, but I feel like a million dollars. Hell, I feel like 3 billion dollars – and I would know exactly what that feels like, too! Now –  you get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!” Said Oprah, casually handing away Lexus sedans to anyone standing near her. “This is just the happiest I’ve ever been in my life!”

When asked if a name had been chosen, Winfrey replied, beaming, “I’ll either name her after my Grandmother Hattie Mae, or Harpo after my production company. Hattie Mae is a little old-fashioned, so I think Harpo might be the way to go!”

We reached out to Oprah’s long-time friend and mentor, writer Maya Angelou for comment, but a rep for the author stated that she was ‘dead,’ and as such was unavailable.

World’s First Pregnant Man: ‘I Can’t Wait To Get This Damn Thing Out of Me’

SAN DIEGO, California –

Back in 2009, Thomas Trace Beatie, a public speaker, author, and advocate for transgender and sexuality issues with a focus on trans fertility and reproductive rights, became the first man to become pregnant. Beatie, who was born a woman, had gender reassignment surgery in 2002, and later became known as ‘The Pregnant Man.’ It was Beatie’s pregnancy that gave doctors and researchers at Scripps Memorial Hospital in San Diego the idea of impregnating a natural born male.

Over the entire span of medical science, doctors believed human males did not have the anatomy needed for natural embryonic and fetal development. However, Dr. Paul Chambers, a pioneer of in-vitro fertilization, believed the theoretical idea of a male ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy outside the uterine cavity) by implantation could be completed with close monitoring, along with some modern medical intervention.

“I don’t see why it can’t be done,” said Chambers. “Why should women have all the fun, right fellas? We’ve worked very hard on the science and health risks involved. We studied the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior, watching it over and over, and we don’t see why this can’t work, albeit with some strict monitoring. There won’t be any Lamze classes for our pregnant man, though.”

Dr. Chambers stresses that the concept of ectopic implantation, while theoretically plausible, had never been attempted and would be difficult to even justify to the scientific community. The need for justification, though, went out the window when they received a willing volunteer.

The 31-year-old man, who we will refer to as ‘Tom,’ volunteered for the experimental pregnancy when it was learned that his wife of six years could not get pregnant due to severe endometriosis. The risks were explained, and Tom consented.

“Even for women lacking a uterus – owing to the extreme health risks to both the parent and child, you can understand our concern for implanting a man,” said Dr. Miles Balderdash, a researcher for Scripps. “Regardless of our concerns, [Tom] was determined to give his wife a child. So we went ahead with it. I gotta say, the guy is a trooper.”

Doctors harvested several eggs from Tom’s wife, and fertilized the eggs with Tom’s sperm.

“Collecting the sperm was by-far the best part of this whole process,” said Tom. “They gave me a choice between video or magazines. I went with video. My wife doesn’t let me watch that sort of thing at home, but for science, for our baby, she said I could this once.”

Once a viable fetus was established from this fertilization procedure, Dr. Chambers implanted the fetus in Tom’s abdomen.

“Since a man does not have a uterus with the placenta, we attached the fetus to an the only internal organ the male has that could possibly sustain a fetus – the bowels,” Dr. Chambers said. He went on to explain that the colon area is made up of very vascular tissue, which can supply oxygen rich blood to the fetus. The colon is not as vascular as a uterus, but it is the most feasible choice to implant in a male.

Doctor’s at Scripp’s Memorial and researchers from San Diego State University Medical Center have been following Tom’s progress, and with proper medical treatment, he has been able to carry his baby for the past six months; However, doctors are becoming concerned.

“The weight of the baby is pushing his organs up into his chest cavity, and it is affecting his breathing. His blood oxygen levels are falling and putting the baby, and his health, at risk.”

“They’ve put me on bed rest for now,” Tom said as he wife tended to him. “As long as I keep my feet up and do as the doctors tell me, I’ll be able to give my wife the child she deserves.”

Doctors are obviously planning to deliver by Caesarean section. “We trust the doctors,” Tom’s wife said as she held her husband’s hand. “They’ve been so helpful this entire time. I just want a baby. [Tom] has been so strong this entire time. Women having been popping out babies for ages. It’s so exciting to know that we’ll be the first couple to have a baby that was grown in the father.”

Dr. Chambers noted that the abdomen is not designed to separate from the placenta during delivery, hence the danger of an ectopic pregnancy. “We never questioned whether this was going to work,” said Dr. Balderdash. “We more questioned whether [Tom] was going to live through it. He knew the risks, though, and we’re doing all we can to make sure he and the baby are safe.”

Currently Tom is still bed bound with his feet up and his wife tending to him as he breaths purified oxygen through a face mask. He says he feels great, and just can’t wait to get the ‘damn thing’ out of him.

Tennessee Woman Sues Her Husband For Getting Her Pregnant

JACKSON, Tennessee – woman sues husband for getting her pregnant

A trial is set for a new lawsuit filed last week after a wife decided to sue her husband of 15 years after he got her pregnant. Tracy Smith, a resident of Jackson, is taking her husband Carl to court after he accidentally got her pregnant. The case is not about rape, but rather an alleged action of  ‘personal neglect,’ after Smith’s husband promised not to get her pregnant.

“He told me he wouldn’t get me pregnant, but here we are and I’m pissed,” said Smith. “I love the man to death, but this is serious neglect on his part, and he will pay for what he has done to me!”

The lawsuit was filed on Tuesday, but Smith’s husband and his lawyer don’t think that the judge will take this case too seriously.

“This is a very strange case, and to be honest my client shouldn’t be fined or charged for something some people would kill for,” said Harvey Feinstein, the defendant’s lawyer. “It takes at least two people to perform intercourse, and each party should be responsible for their safety and well-being. If Mrs. Smith didn’t want to get pregnant, there were many ways that she could have taken her own precautions against it. Relying solely on her husband to wear a condom or to pull-out is just ridiculous.”

Attorneys for both sides are set to make their opening arguments to the judge on August 5th. Mrs. Smith is seeking damages in the amount of $25,000, and if she wins her case, the money cannot come from their joint account.

Carl Smith has denied to comment on what he calls ‘the stupidest thing that’s happened to him since he got married in the first place.’

Move Over OctoMom: California Woman Pregnant With 10 Babies

SAN DIEGO, California – woman pregnant with 10 babies

Years ago a woman by the name of Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman shocked the world when she became pregnant with 8 children. The news of her pregnancy brought on a lot of attention, and people were in disbelief that something like that could actually happen to a human being.

With her pregnancy and birth of the children, fame hit for a solid 15 minutes for the nicknamed OctoMom as she had paparazzi following her around, deals with television networks, and even contract offers worth millions for an adult film.

Get ready to be shocked again, World, because after a recent ultrasound on a San Diego, California woman, doctors officially say that OctoMom’s record has been broken, as a patient at the San Diego Medical Center is pregnant with 10 babies.

Reports surfaced after a doctor confirmed that he has heard 10 separate heartbeats after a routine ultrasound. The mother has yet to be named per her request.

“It is an incredibly dangerous scenario this women is facing, and she isn’t taking the situation lightly” said Doctor Harold Reed, an obstetrician at San Diego Medical Center. “When first examining her I thought that the equipment I was using was faulty, but after several test and diagnoses, it is clear that she is pregnant with 10 babies.”

Doctor Reed went on to say that, unfortunately, the chances of all the children surviving and being born healthy are slim.

“Our patient is aware that this is a severely rare situation,” said Reed. “She is about 5 months along at this moment, and we have actually agreed to keep her here, under our watchful care, to try to best make sure that her babies can be born with the least amount of risk to both her health, and the health of her unborn children.”

Dr. Reed said that currently the woman is doing fine, and has been made very aware of her circumstances. She is due to give birth at the beginning of December.

 

 

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