Transgender People Not Allowed To Use Any Public Restroom In Georgia Thanks To New Laws

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Following a very divisive ruling in North Carolina that makes it so that a person’s birth gender is the one they must identify with when using public restrooms, Georgia has created their own new laws, which make it so that people who are transgender are not allowed to use public restrooms at all.

“Trannies are nasty, and we don’t want them to use either bathroom when they are in public,” said Georgia state senator Luke Davidson. “If you are a tranny, you must use your own bathroom, or a bathroom in another private establishment. In public, you are not allowed to use a bathroom, because we don’t trust you not to molest our kids or rape someone.”

Davidson says that the North Carolina ruling made it “very easy” for Georgia to create their own laws, and that it is a major step in the right direction, but transgender people in the state say that the law is too discriminatory.

“I have no desire to molest your children, and I am definitely not a rapist,” said transgender man Ricky Law. “I just have to take a shit sometimes, like anyone else, and I need a bathroom to do it. This law is outrageous, and there are a lot of us that will fight it all the way to the damn White House if we have to.”

“I don’t care what some nasty dickless man says, it’s not right for someone to use a bathroom if they can’t even decide what sex they are,” said Davidson. “Obviously everyone within the state agrees, or we never would have gotten these laws to pass. Sorry trannies, just stop being weird, and you can start going again like the rest of us.”

Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Killing His Wife Via ‘Dutch Oven’

dutchoven

DARWIN, West Virginia – 

Harold Spizer, 39, was sentenced to life in prison on Monday for the 2013 death of his wife, Kathy Spizer, 35. Harold had been in prison since his arrest in August of 2013, after police say he killed Kathy via a dutch oven in their bedroom.

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“I still, to this day, maintain that it was just an unfortunate joke gone wrong,” said Spizer, who now sits in solitary confinement in Darwin Federal Penitentiary. “She always thought it was disgusting when I farted, and so I’d tease her and do it all the time when we were laying in bed. That night a few years ago, it was just too hot, too stuffy, and the gas was just extra bad. It wasn’t on purpose.”

Police say that Spizer had eaten Mexican food for dinner, and had ‘extra bad gas’ on an especially warm night in 2013, and used it to murder his wife.

“He gave her a Dutch oven, which is when you pass gas, and then hold the bedding and covers over your partner’s head, so they are forced to, well, deal with it, as it were,” said police chief Joel Miller. “Kathy was killed from the extreme nature of her husband’s gas.”

The court case was a long time coming, and Kathy’s family say that they are “very excited” that Harold Spizer will pay for his crimes.

Man Sues For Right To Be Sexually Harassed At Work

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LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Carl Smith, an office worker in Louisville, says that he is suing his employer, Carlton Business Solutions, over his right to be sexually harassed in the workplace.

“When I began working for Carlton, I did not sign an anti-sexual harassment policy disclosure, because I have no problems being sexually harassed,” said Smith. “Three years has gone by, and now HR is saying that I have to sign the paper if I want to continue working for the company. That isn’t fair in the slightest.”

Smith says that he wants to be able to be sexually harassed at work if another co-worker feels right in sexually harassing him.

“I’m not a pervert. I am not going to be hounding the ladies or making crude comments,” said Smith. “But that doesn’t mean that they might not to want to say something to me. Maybe they want to make a lewd joke that references the size of my penis. Or maybe they want to give me a playful ass-slap while I’m making coffee in the break room. Those are things I’m okay with, and as such, I refuse to sign any policies on the matter.”

Smith says that he has retained a lawyer, and plans on taking his case “all the way to the supreme court,” if necessary.

“I don’t have anyone to go home to a night, and this job is all I have,” said Smith. “I want to make it the kind of environment that I feel comfortable working in, that’s all.”

Man Petitions City to Earn Community Service Credits for Future Infractions

law

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

Alen Jackson says he doesn’t plan to break laws intentionally, but he still gets hassled all the time by police and meter-maids because, according to Jackson, “I’m black and proud.”

Jackson has taken his annoyances about laws to the city, where he has proposed what he calls “earn credits.” With the credits, a person wouldn’t get ticketed or hassled for minor infractions, because they’ve earned up a sort of “goodwill” with the city.

“I really don’t mind volunteering for community service or that sort of thing if it meant that I would be able to cash in on it later,” said Jackson. “This would be a successful community outreach program, and I suggest it be implemented, because people who look a certain way are going to get hassled more. It’s just a fact we have to live with, and this would encourage the community to come together.”

Jackson has suggested going as far as pre-serving time. “I could just go in on the weekends, spend a little time, and not have to worry about a wrongful conviction based on my looks later on.”

Jackson has also offered an alternative plan in response to the police brutality and violence he has seen on Facebook. “I have no record of violent offenses, so I don’t want to be shot for no reason,” said Jackson. “There should be a way to advertise this to protect myself. It could be as simple as a microchip. It could send a signal that says, ‘hey, he’s black, but he’s not dangerous,’ and a lot of innocent lives would be saved.”

Chicago lawmakers say they are considering the measures suggested by Jackson.

Idaho Becomes First State To Make Having Babies Out Of Wedlock A Crime

unwed mothers

BOISE, Idaho – 

Idaho lawmakers have become the first in the nation to make having a baby out of wedlock a crime, punishable by fines and jail time.

According to state representative Richard Marques, the bill was passed after a 25-2 vote, wherein any couple who becomes pregnant and delivers their baby before they are legally married could face penalties of up to $20,000 per child. Couples with twins, triplets, or more would be subject to that fine per child. Subsequent offenses could also mean arrest and prosecution.

“We want people to have babies. No one is saying that couple should not have children,” said representative Marques. “But, we do want those couples to be married, too. To provide a stable, loving home for the child. Everyone knows that babies born to unwed couples are more likely to later become criminals, drug-dealers, and rapists. We are just trying to slow those numbers down.”

When asked about how this would effect the levels of abortions in the state, Marques said that he didn’t think it would change anything.

“The amount of whores out there having abortions will stay the same, and the amount of precious, beautiful women who want to have babies will stay the same. The difference now, is, that the latter will be married women, and the former will still be whores,” said Marques. “I know I’d rather my daughter be married than be a harlot.”

Marques continued, saying that the law would apply to anyone – including women who were raped.

“We can’t prove they were raped. No one can. Maybe they got knocked up at a party, and they cried rape later. Happens every day. In fact, that happens more than actual rape,” said Marques. “Now, the woman who wants to keep her ‘rape baby’ will just either have to marry her alleged rapist, or she will have to find some other man to marry quickly. It will all work out.”

Marques says the law goes into effect on January 1st. Women who are currently pregnant and due after that date, but who are currently unmarried, will have to be wed before the law goes into effect, or risk fines.

Feds Swarm Idaho Town After Discovering Baby Prostitution Ring

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WOOSTERVILLE, Idaho – 

A small town in Idaho has been inundated with federal agents after it was discovered that several people in the town were running a prostitution ring made up of babies, with the youngest reportedly being only 6 days old.

“We received an anonymous tip that several newborns in Woosterville were selling themselves, by the hour, for the purpose of sexual intercourse,” said federal investigator Joe Goldsmith. “We began our investigation last month, and were able to gather enough evidence to arrest 6 babies.”

According to Goldsmith, the children arrested were all extremely young babies, and were fetching upwards of $5,000 per hour for sexual intercourse.

“It’s honestly one of the most disgusting crimes I’ve ever seen,” said Goldsmith. “We collected over $2 million in cash, as well as a stockpile of nearly 2,000 diapers, gallons of formula, and more. Apparently, these babies were providing strangers with not only a sexual outlet, but also with all the things necessary to make sure they were comfortable. These were not bottom-barrel baby prostitutes.”

Police say that there may be very little to hold the accused on, though, as they say that all the babies consented to the acts.

“Most of the babies, when asked if they would be okay with having sex for money, had nothing negative to say,” said Goldsmith. “We all know that not saying no automatically means yes, so for these babies in particular, there may be very little we can do to keep them off the streets and in their own cribs.”

Investigators say that each parent could face up to 180 days in prison for allowing their babies to be used for sex.

“Sadly, most of them have the solid argument about the baby not saying no,” said Goldsmith. “It’s a win for us for now, getting these babies out of the hands of the parents, but with good lawyers who know to ‘keep the laws off baby bodies,’ they’ll all have their kids back within the week, and God only knows what things will happen.”

Gay County Clerk Refusing To Give Straight Couples Marriage Licenses

marriage

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Marc Fine, a county clerk in Louisville, Kentucky, has reportedly been adamantly refusing to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, as he says it goes against his personal religious beliefs.

“I will not give any of them straights a marriage license,” said Fine in an interview with the local paper. “I think that what they do is disgusting. A penis going inside of a vagina? Natural? Please. It’s nasty, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of my personal Lord.”

Fine has been repeatedly told by his superiors that he needs to offer marriage licenses to all couples, straight or gay, but so far, Fine has refused.

“Thing of it is, no one has really complained. They just go on to another office, get their little license, and it’s all good,” said Fine. “That poor, ugly, trailer trash looking clerk woman who was arrested and put in jail should take a lesson from me. See, she wasn’t put in jail for her beliefs, she was put in jail for denying a court order, because she’s a dumbass. I haven’t gotten a court order, and until I do, I’ll keep doing my thing. If that order ever comes, well, I’ll just resign. My Lord and my principles come first.”

When asked what specific religion Fine was that allowed homosexual marriage but not straight marriage, he declined to comment.

Kim Davis Accidentally Issues Marriage License To Transgender Couple

kim davis

ROWAN COUNTY, Kentucky – 

Kim Davis, the woman who repeatedly refused to issue a marriage license to a gay couple and has since received national media attention, reportedly didn’t have a problem issuing other marriage licenses during the same time period, as it was recently discovered that she signed her name on the license of a transgender couple.

“She didn’t bat an eye when we walked in, and asked for a marriage license,” said Jennifer Jones, formerly Joseph Jones. “We had all of our paperwork in order, we asked, she smiled, signed it, and handed it over. It was that easy.”

“I was surprised, to be honest, that it went so smoothly,” said Jones’ husband, Marshall Rogers, formerly Michelle Rogers. “I mean, we’ve both completely transitioned from one sex to the other, and as far as anyone is concerned, I am a male, and Jennifer is female. But to be truthful, we both look like we are a bit…off. She still has a 5 o’clock shadow. I’ve still got little buds of boobs. At any rate, Ms. Davis didn’t seem to question it, and we received our marriage license with no issue. Sad, really. We kind of only did it to get in on the attention, too, and we had no problems.”

Davis, who despite being married and divorced several times, as well as having children out of wedlock, is apparently devoutly religious, to the point that she would not “sign her own name” to a marriage license of a homosexual couple. Since the massive media attention brought to her, she has been arrested and reportedly removed from her position as county clerk for violating federal laws.

“It’s a sad day, really, when a couple like us can get married and a bigot has no problems signing her name to it, but yet that nice gay couple had to go through everything they did just to have the option to get married,” said Jones. “Apparently, it’s okay to deny some gay men a marriage license, but not some trans folk like us. I guess one of those guys should have just put on a wig, and it all might have been okay.”

 

Law Firm With Unfortunate Name Declares Bankruptcy

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PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

What’s in a name?  Unfortunately for one Pittsburgh area law firm containing an unintentionally success-killing message, the answer is: everything.

The personal injury law firm of Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn, closed its doors last week and filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy after recent efforts to expand its client base fell short.

“I knew from the start that we shouldn’t have gone with alphabetical order,” said Patricia Bleedom, former partner in the recently shuttered law practice.  “Truth be told, we tried all kinds of naming combinations, but none of them seemed to work.  ‘Drye Rhunn’ was on the table for a bit, but with a name like that, it sounded like we weren’t ready to practice law, when in fact, we have over 45 years of combined experience!”

Partner Maxine Drye was the first to recommended a simple name change earlier this year when business began to taper off.  “I came up with ‘Rhunn Partners’ but decided it sounded too much like sportswear.  ‘The Drye Group’ was just, I don’t know – it just sounded sad.  ‘Bleedom Limited Partners’ made me think of a commuter rail line, or something surgical,” she recalled.  “We were going in circles.”

“We also considered ‘Rhunn Drye,’ she continued, “but that was like saying we couldn’t come up with any winning strategies for our clients.  ‘Drye Bleedom’ didn’t sound approachable enough.”

“There was way too much talk about renaming the firm,” said LaVerne Rhunn.  “We were wasting valuable time better spent chasing down accident victims and finding people who were maimed or injured on the job.  I guess all that stationery we ordered is going to be used for scrap,” she mused, packing the remaining contents of her desktop into a shoebox.  “We had a good run,” said Rhunn.

It’s not easy in the best of times to keep a business going,” commented Bleedom, “and with this economy, no matter how many clients you get who’ve suffered from medical side effects such as unwanted hair growth, impotence, insomnia, partial hearing loss, tinnitus, female ‘male pattern baldness,’ uncontrollable muscle movements, dropsy, temporary blindness, birth defects, itching, fever, rash, impotence, sneezing, congestion, wheezing, reverse asthma, high blood pressure, constipation and dry mouth, you reach a point where it’s just no fun anymore.”

So what’s next for Patty, Maxine, and LaVerne?

“We’ll probably do something together again, business-wise,” said Bleedom.  We work so well together.  The thing I’ll miss the most is the camaraderie – we had good harmony together.”

Drye looks forward to the change.  “I’m always up for new challenges,” she said.  And if these 2 gals over here want to try for something, I’m in!” she exclaimed, all smiles, with just a hint of sadness.

Rhunn was more philosophical about the turn of events.  “Maybe it’s time to take a little step back and reexamine things,” she said.  “I’ve always wanted to take up sculpting.  Maybe I’ll try that.  All I know is, when I’m through packing up, I’m going home, burying my head in a pint of Häagen-Dazs, turning off my phone, and catching up on my shows!”

Marilyn Manson Threatens To Sue Denny’s Restaurants After They ‘Allowed’ Him To Be Assaulted While Dining There

Marilyn Manson Threatens To Sue Denny's Restaurants After They 'Allowed' Him To Be Assaulted While Dining There

ALBERTA, BC, Canada – 

Marilyn Manson, the shock-rocker known for his outlandish stage shows and dark and brooding songs and lyrics, was recently assaulted at an Alberta, Canada Denny’s restaurant by another patron. According to reports from the assailant, Manson had made rude comments about the man’s girlfriend, and he punched him after Manson allegedly called her a ‘bitch.’ According to Manson’s management, that’s not how the altercation started.

Manson’s manager claims that Manson was posing for pictures in the restaurant after a late-night concert, when the assailant ‘came out of nowhere’ and punched him in the face. Police reports say that at least three people were involved in the incident, but no one was charged. Manson’s manager said that Manson plans on pressing charges against his attacker, but it appears now he is taking it further.

“I’m going to sue the shit out of that Denny’s,” said Manson during a morning radio interview in Alberta. “If I had been anywhere else, like a hotel or a private club, and someone tried to swing on me, security would have stepped in and beat his ass. At Denny’s, they’re too busy fucking up the drunk at the next table’s order of Moons Over My Hammy and refilling my shitty coffee to worry about stopping a famous celebrity from getting punched in the face. It’s ridiculous.”

Manson was reportedly not seriously injured in the altercation, but is seeking heavy damages.

“Damn right they deserve to pay, I could have been seriously hurt or killed. I’m not as young and spry as I used to be, and I bruise easily in my old age. The guy who hit me, he’ll get his turn in court, too, but Denny’s – I’m coming for you, and all your breakfast money.”

A spokesperson for Denny’s corporate attorneys, George Omlet and Richard Egg, could not be reached for comment. Lawyers for Manson say they think he has a “strong case.”

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