Microsoft Releases XBox Controller That Doubles As Marijuana Pipe

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a bold move by Microsoft, the company has begun shipping controllers that double as pot smoking pipes, or bowls, for their XBox 360 and XBox One consoles.

“This is a fucking game changer,” said Joe Goldsmith, avid video game player and pothead. “I mean shit, before I had to pause my game, put down the controller, then pick up my bowl, smoke it, and then put it down, pick up the controller…it was a processes. This is a much better idea.”

Microsoft said that the design came after many people complained that they had a hard time smoking weed, playing video games, and eating munchies all at once.

“We know that, for the most part, gamers – especially XBox gamers – are potheads, and we just wanted to do something to give a little back,” said Microsoft spokesman Jim Dugan. “We’re really glad to be able to launch a product like this, that will be so helpful to so many gamers and pot smokers.”

The controller will retail for $42.00, several dollars less than the current controller, but what Microsoft says is a “way more amusing” price point.

Syrian Refugees Announce They No Longer Want To Come To United States

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After hearing nothing but shit being spoken of them over the last several weeks, mostly be Republican puppets who do not understand world issues, the Syrian refugees seeking asylum have announced that they no longer wish to seek safety inside the United States.

“With all the crap that Republicans have said about us, with all the stupid things people like Donald Trump have mouthed off about, we have decided that we will no longer be looking to seek asylum in the United States,” said a spokesman for the group of refugees. “We do not want to be put into camps. We do not want to have to wear stupid symbols designating us as Christian or Muslims. None of that matters. None of that should matter. We just want to be safe, and we are beginning to realize that we’d be less safe in America than we would be staying in Syria.”

“I for one am glad them damn Moose-lums don’t wanna come to here no more,” said Texan Joey Goldsmith. “Them damn foreigners already be coming here, taking jobs, taking government handouts, and we can’t even fix our own damn problems. We got homeless vets on the streets for shit’s sake, and now you want to take in some Serbians or whatever? Goddamn Obama been the worst thing to happen to this country since World War 1.”

When reminded that there was also a World War 2 that greatly affected this country, Goldsmith admitted that he wasn’t aware of it.

“Shit, World War 1, 2, I don’t give a shit,” said Goldsmith. “Just keep them damn towel-heads out my damn country. If they come to Texas, I’ll shoot ’em on sight.”

Jared Fogle Verdict Overturned On Appeal; Former Pitchman To Get Death Sentence In Child Molestation Case

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Jared Fogle, the former Subway pitchman who was accused and now convicted of having sex with children, has reportedly received the death sentence for his crimes.

“He was originally only going to get 15 years in prison, with another 10 years of probation afterwards,” said Joe Goldsmith, Esq., a lawyer arguing for the prosecution. “We felt that was not enough. Everyone knows that old saying, ’15 will get you 20?’ Well in this case, 15 only got him 15, and we didn’t feel that was harsh enough. On appeal, we won the verdict we were seeking.”

After a new court hearing, Goldsmith says that they were able to secure a harsher verdict, and that Fogle will now face the death penalty.

“It’s probably, possibly, just a little more harsh that you’d think it should be, because the punishment is supposed to fit the crime, but hell – we got people in jail for life with no parole for smoking weed, and that’s some serious punishment-not-fitting-the-crime bullshit right there,” said Goldsmith. “If those people can get screwed like that then, hey, no reason we can’t screw Fogle, right? Not that he hasn’t been screwed enough by those poor children.”

Lawyers for Fogle are appealing the new verdict.

FDA Lifts Ban on Cat, Dog Meat; Agency Will Allow Use In Restaurants, Home Cooking

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Food and Drug Administration in Washington, D.C. has reportedly lifted an age-old ban on cat and dog meat that kept restaurants from using the ingredient in their dishes. The move comes after a petition signed by over 2 million people on change.org that pleaded with the agency to reduce its hold over delicious pet meats.

“I am so excited to hear that the FDA has lifted the ban on cat meats, as it is a delicacy, and it is delicious,” said 4th-generation Chinese restaurant owner Chow “Joseph” Han. “Those of us who have been eating and serving cat secretly for many years are breathing a massive sigh of relief in no longer having to hide our ingredients.”

According to Han, this also means that the meat that they will use will come from cleaner, safer animals.

“Because the FDA was not allowing us the use of certain meats, namely those of cats and dogs, we would have to catch strays to make sure that people didn’t know where the food came from,” said Han. “Oftentimes, those strays were mangey or dirty, and may have had rabies. Now, with the lifted ban, we can control the food, and the meat will come from clean, regulated animals.”

Cat and dog meats, which are commonly consumed in other countries, had been banned in the United States since 1904.

Woman Arrested Trying To Smuggle Turkey Out of Kroger’s In Her Vagina

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Shaquita Jones, 30, was arrested late Friday evening after attempting to steal a Thanksgiving turkey for her family’s dinner by smuggling the bird out of the store inside her vagina.

“We saw her through the store’s security camera,” said Kroger manager Joe Goldsmith. “She picked up an average-sized bird, pulled up her skirt, and proceeded to shove and heave until it was lodged inside of her. To be honest, we were laughing so hard, we didn’t even considering trying to stop her.”

Goldsmith says they did stop her, though, as she tried to leave the building.

“She claimed that she was being harassed by the ‘white man,’ because she was black, and that she didn’t have ‘no turkey stuffed in her vajay,'” said Goldsmith. “Police were called immediately.”

Once in custody, Jones reportedly came clean, and said that she just wanted to provide a good meal, for once, for her family.

“Normally, the chillins, they get them Kid Cuisine micro-meals, and me and whichever guy I’m with that week, we eat leftovers from the night before. Often, it’s just beans or whatever,” said Jones. “I wanted to have a damn turkey, but who the hell can afford them birds? I see ’em on the street all the time, just wild ones, but you ever try to catch a wild turkey? Them sonsabitches are fast.”

Goldsmith says that the store will not be pressing charges against Jones, but she will be banned from the store. Cincinnati police returned the stolen turkey to the Kroger store, and Goldsmith has said it was wiped down and placed back on the shelf.

“We just want to make sure everyone – that is, everyone who can afford it – gets a turkey this holiday,” said Goldsmith.

‘No Shave November’ To Roll Into ‘Decorative Beard December’

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

Hipsters everywhere rejoice! Once November has run its course, you do not have to shave your tragically un-cool facial hair. Instead, you can join with dozens of other hair men by partaking in Decorative Beard December, a new trend sweeping the nation.

“I plan to decorate my beard with garland and little ornaments,” said bearded man Joe Goldsmith. “It will be fantastic. I think, somehow, there is a cause involved? I have no idea, though. Who cares? I just want an excuse to grow a beard.”

Many men forgo shaving throughout the month of November, a movement originally referred to as Movember, a way to bring awareness to men’s health issues, such as testicular cancer.

“I knew there was some sort of cause!” said Goldsmith, when he was told why he wasn’t shaving in the first place. “Frankly, I just do the No Shave November thing because my wife bitches if I try to grow out facial hair any other time of the year. She, like most sane women, hate beards. I’m glad now that there is a reason to keep the beard through December.”

“I plan on spray painting my beard green, and sprinkling some glitter into it,” said hipster Franz Silver. “It will look very beautiful, no doubt about it. Man, I sure do love a reason to do what every living man can do, and grow out a disgusting beard. Thanks, Christmas!”

Giant Skull Of Unknown Creature Washes Ashore In San Fransisco Beach

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Researchers are scratching their heads over a giant skull that washed ashore on a beach in San Fransisco early yesterday morning, saying they have never seen anything like it before.

The skull, which resembles that of a canine, but measures over 10 feet long and stands over 8 feet tall, seems to be of a creature who died only within the last few years.

“This is not some prehistoric skull that washed ashore after millions of years tumbling under the waves,” said research scientist Anthony Moore. “This is a creature that died only a short while ago, probably within the last 2 years. It’s mind-boggling that there could be a creature out there of this size, and no one had seen it previously.”

Based on the size of the skull, the research team estimates that the creature, which they’re referring to as “Sandy,” would be approximately 40 to 50 feet long, and could potentially way as much as 3 killer whales.

“It’s intense, really, because if there are more of these creatures out there, they’re definitely not friendly. These teeth, they would kill most other animals in seconds flat,” said Moore. “We’re at a loss, really, for what this is or where it might have come from. It is definitely real bone, though.”

Taiwanese Man Born With No Bones Celebrates 30th Birthday

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TURKEL, Taiwan –

Charlie Chen is a marvel of the medical community. 30 years ago, he was born completely healthy, except for one small problem: he did not have a single bone in his body.

“They told my parents that I would be lucky to live one full day, but here I am, 30 years later, and I’m doing fine,” said Chen from his home in Turkel. “I have actually outlived my parents, both of whom died within the last few years. Surprising, really, because they were both really healthy.”

Chen says that he lives a normal life, for the most part, and loves to sit around and watch movies, eat junk food, and have his government pay for everything.

“They think I’m special, so they keep me fed and pay for my bills,” said Chen. “Basically, I am an American but I am actually from Taiwan. Hahaha.”

Doctors are constantly watching over Chen, and they say at this rate, they see no reason why he wouldn’t live until his 50s or 60s, the average age for this in his country.

Lindsay Lohan Sues Doctor After Botched Plastic Surgery

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Representatives for Lindsay Lohan say that the star is planning a lawsuit against her former plastic surgeon, who reportedly botched her most recent “lip stretching” surgery, causing her face to be a wide open hole.

“Ms. Lohan request that her lips and mouth be slightly stretched, and the doctor presumably thought she wanted her face to be a gaping hole, or at the very least, that was the end result,” said Lohan’s publicist. “We are seeking legal action against her former surgeon, Dr. Larry Clarke, immediately.”

According to Dr. Clarke, though, he isn’t worried.

“Lindsay has had work done by me several times, including her eyes, breasts, and buttocks, and she was always happy with the result,” said Dr. Clarke. “Then she comes to me recently and says, ‘Doc, make my lips up here look like my lips down there,’ and points to her crotch. So, I did my best to make sure her face lips were as wide apart as her vaginal lips. I think it was a job well done.”

Lawyers for Lohan are reportedly being obtained, with a suit expected to be filed next week.

Man’s Habitual Nose Spray Habit Causes Hole To Form In Face

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Massachusetts –

A 52-year-old man who has reportedly used one bottle of nose spray a day for over 20 years was hospitalized after he burned a hole through one of his nostrils.

Ingredients in the nose spray, especially menthol, are reportedly to blame for the hole that has formed on one side of the man’s nose.

“It’s horrible, really, because now I look abysmal, and doctors aren’t sure they can fix it,” said the man, who chose to remain anonymous, but wish to get his cautionary story out to the masses. “On the plus side, I can breathe a whole lot better with this hole in my nose.”

“We want to repair the hole, and make [name redacted]’s face look normal again, but we know he’ll just end up ruining it with his nose spray habit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Harvard Medical Center. “I haven’t seen someone snort this much of anything since my days of attending school at Yale with George W. Bush.”

Doctors are hopeful they can help to reduce the man’s nasal spray habit in hopes of rebuilding his face.