Christian Bale Caught On ‘Batman V Superman’ Set, Says He Was ‘Looking For Imposter’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

“There’s an imposter in Gotham City. He claims to be me, he even wears the same suit as I do, but he is not me and he must be stopped.”

These were the grunted, barely audible words of former Batman star, Christian Bale, spoken while wandering around the set of much anticipated 2016 release, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, apparently looking for Ben Affleck.

Although disguised in the trademark cape and bat mask, cast and crew reportedly recognized Bale by the limp he affected for the last of The Dark Knight trilogy. Their suspicions were confirmed when at one point he called a child extra “God,” momentarily lapsing into the role of Moses, the character he played in Exodus: Gods and Kings.

Anne Hathaway, who recently returned with Bale from a cafe in Paris where they’d been living together, said that the transition has been hard for the celebrated actor.

“He’s not sure who he is right now,” Hathaway said. “Bruce never wanted to leave the vigilante life behind. It was the same after filming American Psycho, when he would roam the halls of Justin Theroux’s apartment block, naked and bloody with a chainsaw in his hands.”

When asked who she meant by Bruce, she responded, “Bruce? I said Christian, not Bruce. Who’s Bruce?”

According to director Zack Snyder, everyone is now used to Bale’s presence on set.

“He’s been hanging around for weeks now, struggling to identify the imposter. We’re all used to him. It’s always quite exciting when he holds one of the cast members up against the wall and demands information, sometimes tying them up with the rope he carries on his belt. What’s really weird though, is sometimes he throws on this horrible New York accent, and tried to get me to buy newspapers while singing and dancing. The man is a gas, but sometimes it’s just odd.”

According to production assistants on set, when Affleck was pointed out to Bale, the Dark Knight responded in his scratchy whisper, “You think you can fool me that easily? Only an idiot would believe that guy could pass for me.”

Minecraft World Record Holder Naively Thinks He’ll Have Kids to Brag To One Day

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

STUBENVILLE, Kentucky –

Minecraft world record holder Stanley Gordon naively believes he’ll have children one day to brag to about his conquest of the virtual universe. The 20-year-old, who says he spends his nights playing the popular game and his days sleeping and masturbating in his basement room, dreams of the family he’ll clearly never have.

“I’m gonna marry someone who loves the gaming world as much as I do,” he gloats, almost endearing in his belief that he’ll have a choice in any woman who hasn’t immediately rejected him. “We’re not gonna be a conventional family, where the parents are boring and always telling the kids what to do. Our parenting will be based on a shared love of fantasy and fun.”

In his deluded mind, Gordon has decided to have only two children because, “it gets lonely if there’s only one, and when there’s three one can get left out.” The wife and two children he’ll never have are going to live in the mansion he’ll design when his Minecraft blog eventually makes it big.

His best friend, known as fartdick69, encourages the Gordon’s sad belief that he’ll find love by suggesting that his own imaginary family will join him for barbecues, where all their mythological family members will enjoy Minecraft together. This, of course, once they live in the same city as each other and have met in person.

“Stan’s a good dude,” wrote fartdick69 from his own basement room. “I can’t wait to finally meet the man who conquered the Minecraft universe. He must be the coolest guy in the world. His future wife will be the luckiest girl around. And maybe she has a friend she’ll introduce me to.”

Mother Who ‘Prayed the Gay Away’ Severely Regrets the Loss of Her Son’s Fabulousness

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, New York –

Area mom Joanne Silverstam, who recently succeeded at ‘praying the gay away’ in her 16-year-old son, says her only regret is the loss of his absolute fabulousness. The Jewish parent believes wholeheartedly that the drastic measure was necessary for Johnny to fit in with the community, and not to bring shame on the family. However, he no longer has the gorgeous fashion sense and flamboyant personality which she acknowledges made him her favorite child.

“Johnny is a sweet boy, and will remain that way. But he’s lost that… pizazz, if you will, which made him special,” lamented the mother of five. “I love his siblings, but none of them could make me laugh with those outrageously bitchy remarks which used to come naturally to him. Now I have no one to tell me when I’m making a fashion faux-pas, or that I need a pedicure.”

Religious leader Rabbi Greenstein praised the mother’s determination, saying, “It’s hard for a parent to see such dramatic changes in her child. But when he grows up to be a good husband, a career-oriented man who supports his family with a respectable, menschedik job, she’ll realize it was all for the good, and forget about his former ostentatious self.”

The newly-heterosexual boy’s best friend, Molly Halpern, agreed with the mother’s sentiment.

“I don’t know what will happen to our friendship now. It was based on a shared love of eye-catching hair-dos, shamelessly gaudy outfits, and fabulous skin. The new Johnny – with that deteriorating complexion and those clunky formal shoes – is almost a stranger to me. Plus, I see the way he checks out my boobs now. It’s just weird.”

Johnny himself expressed no such regrets. “I’m on my way now to becoming an accountant, just like my family wanted,” he said, in a gruff monotone nothing like his previously lilting, sing-song voice. “I’ve given up the gratuitous activities I used to waste my time on, like dancing and theater. I need to focus on the straight-and-narrow lifestyle now, and forget about how drab these khaki pants are I just bought.

‘Game of Thrones’ Fans Find TV Series Spoilers in Local Bookstores

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

GLOBAL, Worldwide –

Fans of acclaimed HBO series Game Of Thrones have reportedly been finding books full of spoilers about the show placed secretly in bookstores around the world. The news has sent many impatient watchers rushing to purchase the volumes, while others have protested against the blatant disregard of the writers for the suspense for which the program is renowned.

“It’s insane,” said one fan delighted by the revelations. “The fifth season is only coming out in April, and already someone has leaked what’ll happen. I opened the one – it’s titled A Feast For Crows – and was shocked to find out that [spoilers removed]. I can’t wait to break it to my friends about [spoilers removed] dying. They’ll never believe it, nor will they believe that [spoilers removed] makes it all the way to [spoilers removed].”

“I don’t think it’s fair. I picked up A Dance With Dragons, innocently thinking it was fanfic about the Game of Thrones universe, and unwittingly found out that [spoilers removed],” said aggrieved fan, Stacey Jones. “I’m so scared that inconsiderate people will reveal to me what else is going to happen. Literally, I’m not looking at any blogs about the series unless they have disclaimers stating [spoilers removed].”

The source of the leak earlier today revealed his identity to be George R.R. Martin, one of the main story writers for the blockbuster series. He defended his actions by citing similar series and movies whose major plot were revealed by writers long before their release dates.

“Tolkien did the same thing,” said an unperturbed Martin. “He revealed that Frodo [spoilers removed] decades before the release date was due. Stephen King is another who consistently does this. It adds to the suspense – not only are you scared of what’ll happen to your favorite characters, you’re now terrified someone will tell you in advance.”

Critics have dismissed the news as unremarkable, stating that it’s characteristic of Martin, who has written such characters as [spoilers removed] out of the show to shock viewers, and never fails to disappoint in bringing fans’ anxiety to the verge of boiling point.

Paralympic Athlete Oscar Pistorius Loses Arm In Prison Attack

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PRETORIA CENTRAL, South Africa –

Lawyers for Olympic runner Oscar Pistorius, convicted of manslaughter in 2014, are furious after his right arm was reportedly cut off in a prison fight. The double leg amputee was sentenced to jail time having shot and killed his model girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, on Valentine’s Day in 2013.

Defense advocate Barry Roux vented his outrage at Judge Masipa’s “criminal incompetence.”

“We argued at sentencing that Oscar is not cut out – pardon the pun – for jail. Now it’s too late, and he’s lost a limb, a tragedy that he could never have prepared for.”

Prosecutor Gerrie Nel, however, argued that this is the sort of thing that happens in prison. “He killed an innocent woman, and he has to pay like everyone else. Just because he is missing both his legs, doesn’t mean he should get automatic immunity from brutal rape by his fellow convicts, or from violent knife fights. Our justice system is run on equal and fair treatment, regardless of individual differences.”

Reeva’s family were reportedly delighted at the news, saying that although he was let off easy by the judge, he has finally paid in a more permanent manner.

“The Steenkamp family expresses its joy at the news of Oscar Pistorius’s amputation,” said family spokesman Hendrik Dewalt. “They finally have some measure of closure, which was lacking from the verdict of manslaughter.”

The Pistorius family hit back, saying that they will go back to court to sue the Steenkamp family for the return of Oscar’s arm.

“It’s only their public campaign that got him into jail in the first place,” said the runner’s brother Carl. “They made the six shots he fired at Reeva seem like some sort of malicious act, biasing the judge, the media, and everyone else involved. We’ll fight tooth and nail on this one, and this time we won’t rest until our brother and son’s limb is back where it should be. Attached to his shoulder.”

Doctors Prescribing Morphine Instead of Sugar Pills to Make Placebos More Convincing

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a bid to make placebos more convincing, doctors are reportedly now prescribing morphine as a cure-all from phantom headaches to imagined cancer symptoms. The move comes as a result of the increased publicity the so-called “sugar-pills” have received, causing their psychological effects to be dampened.

“Research has shown that placebos work even when the patient is told it has no medicinal content,” said pharmaceutical expert Harry Flaubert. “However, their success is limited – there’s only so much you can do to trick a human body into thinking it feels better. Now with the public becoming more and more sceptical of pharmaceuticals as a whole, placebos are convincing almost no one.”

Doctors around the country have therefore been moving onto opiates to ensure the patients can actually feel the pills working, even if their effects have nothing to do with the symptoms reported. Simply by virtue of the fact that the patient feels a pleasant numbing in his or her head, s/he presumes the placebo is working and is satisfied.

Television personality, Dr. Mehmet Oz, has hailed morphine as a “miracle drug.”

“It’s everything you’ve been waiting for, folks,” he enthused on his eponymous show. “These drugs are the true panacea. They work almost exactly like heroin, and can cure all your problems, whether physical or psychological.”

Local old hag, Penelope Tudor, has for the first time in her life praised her doctor for work well done.

“He’s wonderful,” she said, referring to the browbeaten doctor, Dr. Charles Matic. “These new tablets he gave me are flm avaz herrummmmph…”

Dr. Matic said of the drowsy and disoriented Miss Tudor, that the morphine is really working for her, and he’s looking forward to her willing acceptance of his constant assurances that she won’t become addicted.

Brian Williams Eyed To Replace Jon Stewart On ‘The Daily Show’

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In recent weeks, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams has come under fire after admitting to having lied about an incident in which he was shot down in a helicopter in Iraq. More of the journalist’s anecdotes have since come under fire, including a story of being held at gunpoint as a teenager, and flying with the undercover SEALS Team 6 into Baghdad.

But latest reports indicate that the disgraced journalist may have had an endgame in sight. After Jon Stewart announced his retirement from The Daily Show on Tuesday night, Williams has told press that he’s accepted an interview for the funny-man position as host of the Comedy Central nightly satire.

“Brian is the perfect person to replace Jon Stewart,” said former Daily Show correspondent John Oliver. “He spent 10 years on the Nightly News, proving that he can remain a stable host, even while reporting mostly made up stories. What’s more, he now has years of material for self-deprecating comedy. It’s ingenious.”

NBC executives have denied reports, stating that “although he has been suspended without pay, Brian Williams is still contracted to us. We now know that he is an arrogant liar and, well, a total douchebag, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s our douchebag.”

Williams himself was enigmatic. When he coincidentally passed by CNN offices, he took the opportunity to tell reporters about his personal experience on the original series of The Daily Show.

“I was Jon Stewart’s first interview. It was back in 1998, and I had inside info into the arrest of former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet. You see, not only was I there, but I actually clamped the handcuffs around his wrists. It was one of the greatest privileges of my career, even better than taking the first blow at the Berlin Wall, and being the only surviving passenger from that 4th hijacked plane in the 9/11 attacks. So I told Jon Stewart all the funny things that Pinochet had said. Oh, how we laughed.”

At time of press, footage of his Daily Show interview had yet to be located.

Apple Rolls Out New ‘Adult’ Emojis In Attempt to Prevent Teens from Sexting With Real Photos

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

In an apparent bid to stop teenage sexting, Apple plans on rolling out a new range of raunchy emojis, displaying various sex acts. The move comes after a scandal at an elementary school in Wisconsin, where nude photos of school goers landed up on Facebook, sparking shame and outcry.

“It’s for the safety of the kids. As adults we know how dangerous it is for us to make compromising pictures available, but children don’t realize it could come back to haunt them,” said one Apple executive. “Since promoting abstinence has not made a significant difference, we’re now implementing new ways of practicing safe sexting.”

In order to make the range as relevant as possible, the new emojis will feature, in addition to a huge variety of homo- and heterosexual acts, genitalia of three different sizes – small, medium and large.

“We want them to be personal,” said project manager, Brian McAlly. “A boy with a small penis, sending to a girl with a large vagina, cannot be sending a picture of a large member penetrating a tight hole. That won’t do for him – he wants the girl to see as accurate a representation of his junk as possible, and visualize her orifice as realistically as possible.”

Parents have been unanimous in their support of the move. At a recent PTA meeting at a school in New York, parental rep Molly Gingrich announced the group’s satisfaction at the development.

“When I saw Jimmy’s penis on my Anna’s phone, I got the shock of my life,” she said to shouts of agreement. “He has a hideous dick, which subsequently ended up on Tumblr. And I worried that my daughter’s ugly vagina might share the same fate. It might ruin her chances of having the busy sex life I know she doesn’t deserve.”

The teaching body, however, disagreed.

“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again,” principal John Skinner pronounced. “Sexting is part of regular teenage behavior. It should not be reduced into tiny representations of dirty coitus. My colleagues and I often keep tabs on the images that are making the rounds, and have seen nothing wrong in them. If anything, our students do a good job at photographing their junk from the most flattering angle possible.”

At press time, parents were browsing some of the teachers’ favorites, and had agreed that actually, they can be proud of the publicity of their children’s’ genitals.

Bill Gates Loses $1 Billion Dollars At Horse Races

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Bill Gates is reportedly missing one billion dollars after he lost it at the race tracks. Gates said that he was just there to watch the horses, and the money must have fallen out of his pocket. Sources say that, although he never bets, he can often be seen at the tracks, as he is a big lover of the majestic equines.

“He graces us with his presence all the time,” said track owner Reilly O’Connor. “We let him examine each horse, explain which ones are the favorites, which are the best bets, how the weather conditions will affect them, and all sorts of other insider information. Then he sits down with a drink and placidly watches.”

Top Forbes journalist, Macy Taylor, spoke to us about what impact this has on his status in the financial world.

“Bill essentially lost 1.25% of his net worth. Although that sounds small, when you’re dealing with big numbers, it’s enough to feed a small country for the rest of their lives,” said Taylor. “Still, it is not enough to oust him from his position as the richest man in the world.”

However, close friend and associate to the business magnate, John Henry, says there is cause for concern.

“He’s doing it more and more often,” he told the press. “Last week it was $10 million while watching a poker tournament. The week before it was $100 million visiting the restaurant at a casino. Maybe he shouldn’t be carrying such big amounts around, but what’s really concerning is how absent-minded he’s become.”

When asked about the incident, Gates chuckled nervously and said, “I guess it’s time to get some new pairs of pants. The old ones obviously have big holes in the pockets!”

Neil Armstrong, First Man On The Moon, Dead At 82

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

America is mourning the passing of the first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, at the age of 82. The famous and pioneering astronaut died from health complications brought on by his 2012 death, bringing an end to the celebrated life of this true American pioneer.

His family released a statement, describing Armstrong as a reluctant American hero [who had] served his nation proudly, as a navy fighter pilot, test pilot, and astronaut.

“While we mourn the loss of a very good man, we also celebrate his remarkable life and hope that it serves as an example to young people around the world to work hard to make their dreams come true, to be willing to explore and push the limits, and to selflessly serve a cause greater than themselves.”

The news triggered an outpouring of tributes to the man who took the first “small step” on the Earth’s lunar luminary.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” tweeted fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin. “In his 85 years on this planet, he managed to live 82 solar cycles, which is more than 96% of that time. That’s pretty darn good. Better than most at least.”

The interstellar traveller, who celebrated his 82nd birthday in August 2012, had previously stated that he intended to live forever, even if he did not manage any more years in that time. But friends say they saw his demise coming.

“When he died in 2012, we knew he wouldn’t last that much longer,” said old school friend Randy Haywood. “I mean, the projected life span after dying is usually six months to a year. He fought on for almost three years. That’s a darn good achievement, but like all men, his death finally killed him.”

An anonymous source informed news outlets that Armstrong’s family were to sue doctors treating him for negligence.

“You have to be very cautious when treating a dead man,” said the source. “These doctors weren’t. Although he lasted a remarkably long time, he could’ve lived for years longer, if not for his physician and surgeon’s inconsideration of his ailing condition.”

A trainee, who had regular contact with the lunar lander, was overheard saying that he was never the same after his body stopped working anyway.