Early Voter Poll Shows There’s ‘No Way In Hell’ Ted Cruz Will Get Elected President

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Ted Cruz this week became the first politician to officially announce his candidacy as the Republican runner in the 2016 Presidential Elections. The unexpected move by the naively bigoted conservative, was greeted with disbelief and mocking on social media, with a Twitter hashtag #TedCruzCampainSlogan trending with thousands of sarcastic suggestions, including:

@snickerfritz04 Yes little children, the world is on fire – in reference to a comment he made to a scared young boy.

@Athiest_Tweeter A vote for me, means World War 3 – in reference to what would surely be disastrous xenophobic foreign policy decisions.

@JRheling RIP Science (1601 – 2017) – in reference to his belief in archaic Creationism which denies contemporary science.

An early poll revealed that voters are pretty much in line with the contempt shown on social media. 98% of 2 300 voters answered the question “Will Ted Cruz be Our Next President” with “No way in hell”. The remaining 2% voted “No, but I’ll give him a sympathy vote”.

Conspiracy theorists have taken the results of the poll to indicate that Cruz’s campaign is not a serious attempt to run for presidency. Rather, they posit that it is a plot by the Democratic Party to make the Republican campaigners seem ridiculous, thereby winning more votes while Cruz distracts voters with his insane rants and rhetoric.

“Clearly Obama’s behind this!!!” wrote dickweed21 on a Reddit thread. “Who the fuck is Ted Cruz anyway? This is exactly like 2012, when they put up Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Rick fucking Santorum as the runners.”

Hundreds of other users agreed, pointing out that for the 2008 elections, Sarah Palin was just the person to put off potential voters for John McCain.

“Seriously, who in their right mind would make Sarah Palin their vice president?” said one user. “Sarah Palin! The definition of blonde bimbo – she probably started the stereotype!”

Anonymous sources from the Democratic Party denied the claims, although stated that “the Republicans do a good enough job of shooting themselves in the foot without our help. There campaign videos are hilarious disasters – that shit can’t be staged.”

Liza Minnelli Voted ‘Most Fabulous Junkie’ in Rehab

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN DIEGO, California –

Acclaimed singer and actress Liza Minnelli is reportedly the most fabulous junkie in Hope Winters Rehabilitation Center. Fellow addicts have unanimously agreed that the Cabaret star’s general demeanor, appearance, and movement and gait, are all far superior to the average alcoholic or narcotics user.

“This is a rehab for the upper class, super-super-rich, and we get lots of celebrities here, but none as fabulous as Liza,” said curator Don Hamilton. “We consider ourselves very fortunate to have the privilege of treating this generally gorgeous individual, and humble ourselves as regular, non-fabulous societal rejects before her.”

Famous alumni of the center include Charlie Sheen, Gerard Way, Nigella Lawson, and Lindsay Lohan – none of whom come anywhere near to Minnelli’s objectively superb fashion sense and mode of being.

“Liza has totally lit this place ablaze with her presence,” said a fellow narcotics user, on condition of anonymity. “Out of all the junkies I’ve met in my life – and there have been many – I’ve never met one who carries herself as fabulously as Liz. Usually, they’re downtrodden and miserable, and have scars on their arms and legs. She’s totally different: not a single scar!”

Minnelli’s spokesperson, Henrietta Birgitte, told media that the performer is flattered to have been voted into the position, and wants her supporters to know that no matter how low she falls, she’ll never lose her fabulousness.

“Her spirits are high, and her hair is looking better than ever,” said Birgitte. “She’s been performing songs from the various musicals she’s been in, entertaining the druggies with her vast talent, and even performed her part of My Chemical Romance’strack, Mama.”

Various tv networks have expressed interest in filming a reality series at the center. Suggested titles have included “Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous (Junkies)”, “Cabare-hab”, and “Liza Minnelli’s Twelve Step Dance Program”.

Feminists Rally For Change; Hope To Just Become Known As ‘Uppity Bitches’

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

For decades, the stereotype of angry, militant women who want all men dead has been the primary association in most American minds when it comes to Feminism. The term “Feminazis” was popularized over the last couple of decades, and members of the movement did nothing to change the perception.

Leaders within the Feminist community have announced that they are finally ready to embrace change, and shed their intimidating image. Rather, they’re going to portray themselves as “uppity bitches”.

“People are scared of us, and it’s getting in the way of our agendas being met,” said local Feminazi Rudolpha Hessa. “And who can blame them – we’re fucking terrifying. We’ll take down men like they’re nothing more than walking cocks. But we’ve realized that after all this time they still run the show, and they’re the most likely route to political change. Something has to give.”

And give it will. Women will still give men shit about gender equality, but it will be administered via a less threatening medium.

“Soccer moms are indomitable, but show me a man who is scared of them,” said Women’s Rights advocate, Jessica Hemp. “They moan, whine, shout insults, gossip, and generally get whatever the fuck they want. We, as feminists, have agreed that this way is far more likely to get the results we have long sought after.”

Male politicians have nervously chuckled, bracing themselves for the onslaught.

“My wife is an uppity bitch,” said conservative senator, Rick Santorum. “When she wants to buy something and I say no, she bitches and whines until I give in and just give her my credit card and whatever cash I have. There is no way we’ll be able to maintain the perfectly reasonable wage gap that somehow still exists in the face of Feminazism. They’ve found the formula, I’m sorry to say.”

Misogynists around the country have hung their heads and kicked themselves in the balls, in commemoration of their known enemies’ tactics.

“It’s not gonna be that simple anymore. A new age is upon us.”

New Law Requires Kim Kardashian to Obtain Permit to Have More Kids

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Kim Kardashian has made no secret of her burning desire for another child. The mother of one apparently wants a sibling for North, in order to help the firstborn through the travails of having been named after a direction. However, the socialite has hit a major obstacle, in that a new law has been passed, requiring Kardashian to get a permit to have any further children.

“There has been much talk in the past of possible permit laws for any citizen to have children, with jail time for failing to comply,” said the creator of the bill, Jim Fountain. “I mean, you need a permit to go fishing, know what I’m saying? It’s been called impractical, which I understand, but with Kim it would just be far too irresponsible to allow her to have kids without qualification.”

The text of the law listed a number of reasons for singling Kardashian out:

Calling her daughter North West is a low point for any mother
She’s famous for a sex tape and nothing more
She garnered public attention by balancing a champagne glass on her naked butt
She’s famous for a fucking sex tape!!!
The father would likely be Kanye West – I wouldn’t trust him with a burrito, let alone a child; it’s a wonder that no one has stepped in to prevent him being around North
Her claim to fame is a sex tape – seriously, what is the world coming to? Well, her sex tape I guess…

Kardashian herself is yet to comment, but husband Kanye released a clip on YouTube, in which he rambled about the injustice of the law.

“Kim is the greatest mother that ever lived, she’s got the greatest daddy right here, I’m a genius and that makes her genius by association. Haters are out there tryna get back at us for being so perfect.”

But he admitted that conception is unlikely in any case.

“While we fuckin, she says to me, she says ‘Imma let you finish’, and then she pulls away, and so I never get to finish. She thinks it’s funny. Seriously, woman. Maybe she shouldn’t have kids.”

Man Cuts Off Own Nose To Spite Wife’s Face

Posted on March 24, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Local father Benjamin Straub has cut off his own nose in order to spite his wife’s face. Mrs. Straub apparently has an aversion to her face directly touching her husband’s, and relied on the appendage serving as a boundary between them. Now that it is gone, there is nothing to stop the very essence of the spiteful man’s visage from touching her.

“He cut off his nose to spite my face,” the distraught woman told reporters. “Who does that? What are people going to think when they see my face? They’ll think, ‘there goes the woman whose face is in constant contact with her husband’s skull. She’s disgusting.’”

Straub’s psychiatrist however, thinks there were alternate reasons that the man went to such lengths.

“He’s always wanted to do it,” said Dr William Peters. “The first time I saw him, he said to me, ‘I hate my face. I want to hurt it.’ We worked really hard on this hatred and I thought we were getting somewhere. But when he no longer wanted to spite his own face, he found an excuse to cut it off anyway. Seems like it’s just a weird fetish. We’ll get to sorting it out at some point – just as soon as we’re done with his daddy issues and fear of the government.”

Friends say that Straub has always seemed rather off to them, and that his latest irreversible incident does not surprise them in the least.

“Benjamin’s always had a thing for cutting off body parts,” said former college companion Richard Porter. “When we were freshmen he cut off his left ear, sophomore year he cut off his left. A few years later he gouged both his eyes out, and then after his marriage he moved on to the bigger limbs. I mean, since he cut off his left arm and both his legs, all he had left was his nose and mouth. I’d worry for his more intimate parts if I was Jennifer [Straub].”

As of press time, Mrs Straub had reportedly cut off her husband’s penis as an attempt to preempt further actions he might regret.

Bill Gates Lobbies To Have His Face Put On U.S. $20 Bills

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MEDINA, Washington –

Billionaire businessman and founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, is lobbying to have his face put onto U.S. $20 bills. The move comes in response to a growing desire to see “more original” money in circulation, and aims to replace President Andrew Jackson. Jackson has been the face of the $20 bill since 1928, but the 7th President of America is controversial in some circles and many want him off their money.

“I’ve worked hard my whole life to get to where I am today,” Bill Gates told the press. “I’m really rich so, technically, I should be able to get anything I want. I want to be on the $20 notes, and that should be granted to me. I have lots and lots of money. Since I own more money, and ergo, more twenty dollar bills than anyone else on the planet, I should be able to have my face on them.”

But critics say that, just because he has so much money, does not mean he owns the actual concept.

“Yes, he owns lots of currency,” said Lupel Troon. “But he doesn’t own the currency. That is the possession of the American people, and won’t change, even if he manages to possess most of it.”

Other pundits have been more amenable to Gates’s demands.

“He is the greatest manifestation of the American dream. It only stands to reason that he should be honored for this, and what more appropriate way than to put him on the money?”

Communist group, Equality For All (EFA), have rallied against Gates, saying he represents “everything that is wrong with America.”

“This is why capitalism does not work! It’s just another word for greed. Every American citizen should be represented on the currency, because we all work hard, and everyone deserves equal. Imagine no possessions – it’s easy if you try.”

Gates responded dismissively, saying, “Screw the commies. How do they even still exist? Anyway, they’re not gonna get in the way of big money.”

The bulk of our great capitalist nation tends to agree.

Hacker Group “Anonymous” Gives In-Depth Critique of Taylor Swift’s Dating Choices

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNKNOWN, Internet –

Last week, hacker group Anonymous posted a strange video on YouTube, giving lengthy admonitions to rapper Kanye West. The six minute clip showed a man in a Guy Fawkes mask – as is usual in appearances made by members of the group – talking about West’s childish rants about Beck, Kim Kardashian’s naked photos, and the bad example they’re setting for the nation’s children, as well as their own. Many were surprised that Anonymous chose to target West, but the hackers have managed to top their own unpredictability. Earlier today, a video was released targeting Taylor Swift, giving an in-depth critique of her dating choices.

“You go on too many dates, Taylor,” said the masked figure, in a digitally altered voice. “But it’s your taste in boys that gets to us. You dated a Jonas brother, for God’s sake. We need not comment on that one.

“Then you dated Taylor Lautner. Firstly, he has the same name as you. No respectable human being dates someone who shares their name. Secondly, he’s Taylor fucking Lautner. Thirdly, he looks like an alpaca. Forthly, he’s Taylor fucking Lautner.”

The clip did not stop there, choosing to go on to bash John Mayer, calling him “a pretentious douche”.

But it wasn’t all bad. They made special mention of Jake Gyllenhaal, who they hailed as the best decision of her life, and lamented their break-up.

“Jake is something special. You showed wisdom in selecting him, proving to us that you do have at least some taste. Yes, he broke up with you via text, which was pretty shit of him, but, as you yourself say, your exes ‘will tell you I’m insane’.

“You effectively canceled out the merit you won by dating Jake, when you decided to couple with Harry Styles. He’s like twelve years old. He has stupid hairstyles. He looks like a lesbian. And he’s a member of One Direction. Now, we like One Direction as much as the next person, but would never be so shortsighted as to think a relationship with one of those guys could actually be healthy and positive. For God’s sake Taylor – you really have to up your game!”

Anonymous are expected to go after Adam Sandler next, explaining why all of his movies are a crime against moviegoers everywhere.

Disney To Finally Release Racist Classic Movie ‘Song of the South’ In U.S.

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Disney has announced that they are going to release classic movie Song of the South on home video for the first time in the U.S. Release of VHS copies of the film was put on hold indefinitely in the fifties, amid controversy of the blatantly racist depiction of African Americans in what was Disney’s first live-action release. The mass media corporation has decided, however, that the current era presents the perfect climate for the release of the beloved classic.

“I think we’re finally at a point where we can all sit back and laugh at the parochialism demonstrated by the old film directors,” said Disney executive Peter Rhynoldt. “I’m pretty sure that today’s black Americans can take the sentiment from whence it came, and realize that the offense caused back then no longer applies to them.”

Race groups have slammed the Disney Company, saying that, on the contrary, Song of the South will add fuel to the flames of already flared up racial tension.

“What’s going on, not only in Ferguson but also in the so-called ‘liberal’ cities of the U.S. is a perpetuation of white privilege and constantly renewed suspicion of African Americans,” said Donald Jackson, head of the Racial Equality Engineers. “Song of the South presents such outdated, racist tropes about the inferiority of the black man, which could have an influence on this generation’s youth.”

Democratic Senator, Richard Fein, agreed with Jackson.

“It’s anachronistic,” he told media. “I find it pretty absurd that anyone could think this was appropriate. The reality is, whoever is making this decision is just stupid.”

Rhynoldt has so far refused to back down, saying that they’re going through with this “come hell or high water.”

“It’s not nearly as bad as they say it is. There’s that sweet old guy, and the cool zippidy-do-da song. Besides, didn’t Kanye West say that racism no longer exists? This film serves as nothing more than historical documentation.”

Doctors Say Wrapping Penis In Bacon Is ‘100% Effective’ Contraceptive

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A new and delicious method of contraception is being touted as the end to unwanted pregnancy. Doctors say that after many tests, including their own private experiments, wrapping the penis in bacon is 100% effective at preventing conception. Although the mechanics of the method have not been divulged, speculators say that it will revolutionize not just contraception, but sex itself.

“Many sex-hungry adults already incorporate food into their coitus,” said Thibaut Mannis. “From chocolate body paint, to eating peanut butter out of a vagina, our nations borderline perverts have come up with a large variety of ways to utilize the sensation of taste into their experience. This development takes it to a new level.”

Teenage pregnancies in particular are expected to drop drastically, as it is no secret that US youth love bacon as much or more than sex itself.

“The idea of using our nation’s obesity problem to counter irresponsible sexual practices is simply ingenious,” said analyst Michael Barker. “Instead of fighting a losing battle, we’re going to take advantage of one health issue to solve another. Brilliant.”

Michelle Obama is reportedly a fan of the new method, with sources saying it fits in with her drive for healthier eating.

“The First Lady knows that she’ll never succeed at getting bacon off the menu,” said spokesperson Hazel Truman. “She long ago resigned herself to the fact that that unhealthy choice is here to stay. So giving the consumption of bacon a positive use is very much in line with her policies. Furthermore, she reckons that, with the meat potentially being swallowed up by vaginas, it may prevent a certain amount of oral ingestion. Except in the case of oral sex of course.”

Doctor Randy Dougan, who led the groundbreaking study, accepted the plaudits.

“I am a brilliant mind with an even better sexlife,” he announced. “The combination of those aspects, along with my love for food, have brought me to prominence, and I will go down in history, as many horny lovers go down on each other to the delicious taste of pig.”

Scientist Says He Discovered Cure For AIDS; Reportedly ‘Very Simple’

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Bill McGregor may soon be a household name. The father of five and microphysicist believes he has found the long sought after cure for AIDS. What’s more, he claims it is very simple and has little to do with science.

“It’s been staring us in the face, all this time, and somehow all the greatest minds of our generation have missed it,” McGregor told a gathering of AIDS specialists. “It comes down to basic common sense. In fact, I got the idea from my newborn daughter.”

The AIDS virus came to medical attention in 1981, spreading mainly among homosexuals, but soon became an epidemic. It spread globally, leading to a particularly huge number of casualties on the African continent. Scientists and doctors have spent the three decades since trying to find a cure for it, as well as a vaccine, with little success. Only recently has treatment made it possible for victims to live with the disease.

It is in this context that McGregor’s discovery is seen. If proven effective, it will bring relief to hundreds of millions of patients, both now and in the future.

“What it comes down to, is infecting the patient with another, more deadly virus, or inflicting immense physical damage on them,” McGregor told his colleagues. “Once they have contracted, for example, Ebola, they are no longer at risk of dying from AIDS. It’s really quite remarkable.”

His inspiration came, he explained, when he accidentally threw his newborn child against a wall.

“We were really worried about Amy at the time, because she was born with a heart defect. Doctors told us she could live a relatively long life, but would have to have regular surgery and blood transfusions. After the accident, the doctors gave her ten hours to live, and we realized her heart problems were over. Since then I’ve been urging other parents of defective children to do the same, and it didn’t take long for me to theorize that the same treatment would work effectively against AIDS.”

McGregor has been hailed as a genius, and is expected to win a Nobel Prize for his contributions to medical science.