Bear Grylls Hospitalized With Urine Poisoning

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

McMURDO STATION, Antarctica –

Edward Michael “Bear” Grylls, an explorer who is best known for his TV series Man Vs. Wild, was reportedly hospitalized while on a trek in Antarctica. Reports indicate that Grylls was rushed to a facility in McMurdo Station after complaining of violent stomach cramps.

“When he arrived, Mr. Grylls was in severe pain, and we ran multiple tests,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the McMurdo General Hospital. “In questioning him, we discovered that it was quite common for him to drink his own urine while on his treks. When we checked, his urea-levels were off the charts.”

According to Brown, it is actually not completely unsafe to drink your own urine, as it is mostly water, sodium, and potassium, but that you can only do so once, maybe twice, before your urine becomes poisonous.

“You could wake up tomorrow, and drink your pee, and you’d be fine,” said Brown. “You could probably drink your next pee, too. After that, you’re starting to drink pee that has gone through your system multiple times, and that is going to cause problems. That is what happened to Mr. Grylls.”

At the time of this writing, Grylls was still hospitalized, and was having his system flushed with clean, clear liquids.

“We highly recommended that Mr. Grylls no longer drinks his own pee,” said Brown.

Uber To Begin Offering ‘Rape Free’ Rides For Customers Who Pay Upcharge

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

After the recent conviction of a former Uber driver who kidnapped and raped a young woman, the “personal taxi” service has announced that they will now be offering a guaranteed “no rape” ride, offering passengers who opt to use their service to get to their destination without the “hassle” of being raped by the driver.

“We know that there are a lot of incidents out there of rape, kidnapping, and other nasty or sexual crimes,” said Uber spokesperson Jeff Glum. “We at Uber do not want any of our customers to get raped, because we know that rape is bad for business. So we have initiated an intense screening process to choose only those drivers who have less than a 1% chance of rape, and started our new “no rape” ride plans.”

According to Glum, the rape-less rides will cost a bit more, but that they will personally guarantee your safety.

“It will be a flat fee of an extra $30 per person, per ride, to enjoy our no-rape rides, but we feel that amount is a pittance to pay in comparison to your own, personal safety,” said Glum. “We want to stop the rapes before they become something more, like deaths. $30 to save your life? You’d be foolish not to take advantage of it.”

Glum says that Uber will begin the rape-free rides on November 1st. The app will be updated to indicate who is nearby that will not rape you.

Playboy Magazine Announces Caitlyn Jenner As November Centerfold

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

It already seemed like a major joke when, last week, Playboy magazine announced that it would no longer feature nude women, and instead would focus on the articles and interviews. The company, who removed nudity from their website in 2013, did say that they would keep the one piece of nudity that everyone loved: the centerfold.

Continuing with the idea of making their subscription numbers as low as possible, Playboy announced that November’s issue would feature Caitlyn Jenner, fully nude, as the centerfold.

“We are very excited to have Caitlyn join our long line of prestigious centerfolds,” said Playboy owner Hugh Hefner, 104. “And what a glorious time to have a she-man in the magazine. In 2015, we can have a black man as president, and we can have a chick with a dick in the Playboy centerfold. Readers-shmeaders. Everyone will want to buy this issue.”

Jenner could not be reached for comment, but her reps said that she is “extremely excited” to show the world her new, woman-ish body that still has a penis.

Indiana High School Allows Students To Go Fully Nude In Class

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SHAPRIO, Indiana –

A high school in Indiana is making waves this morning, after announcing that they would no longer be requiring students to wear clothes to school. The decision comes after a month-long protest from students over a new dress code that would require uniforms.

“The students staged a sit-in over the protest of a uniform policy, and the entire student body came to class nude,” said high school principal Mike Rubio. “That day, we had no absences, and higher testing scores than ever before. We thought it might be a fluke, but all that week, every single student came to school, and they were all eager to learn. They were all also very naked, but they were engaged. It was amazing.”

The school board decided to suspend the dress code change in favor of allowing students to wear whatever they wanted. Almost all the students continued to show up to school nude.

“I love being naked,” said sophomore Lindsay Burns. “I’m usually naked at home, and this is a lot more comfortable. I’m also a lot more popular now, which is awesome. My datebook is filled until January.”

Most of the parents in the school district say they are proud that their children can look past one another’s body issues and just be in school, learning, and that nudity shouldn’t be something that is so sexualized.

“Nudity is not inherently dirty,” said Michael Jones, whose son, Phil, is a senior at the school. “Phil is fine with being naked, and he’s definitely not got an issue with the girls being naked, either, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. Seriously though, these kids stood up for something, and now they get to strip down for something. It’s a win for them all, and I’m super proud to be a parent here.”

American Medical Association To Recognize ‘Negrophobia’ As Legitimate Mental Illness

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Medical Association released today a statement announcing the addition of ‘Negrophobia’ to the list of official, diagnosable mental illnesses. Negrophobia, which is the fear of black people, was formerly referred to by its more common name, Racism.

“The AMA has made huge advancements in the last 50 years in the understanding of Negrophobia,” said AMA president, Dr. Emmett Brown. “You see, a person who suffers from Negrophobia cannot help but to become terrified of black people. In a normal situation, a non-Negrophobic can rationalize that, hey, that’s just another person. Negrophobics, on the other hand, cannot, and that is where the mental illness comes into play.”

Brown says that it is hard to judge how many people throughout the world may be Negrophobic, but that it seems that many of the mentally ill individuals have gotten jobs in public service, such as law enforcement.

“Judging by the vast amount of headlines of white police officers shooting black men, it is clear that this Negrophobia is a huge problem in the law enforcement world,” said Brown. “The reason the AMA is releasing this information now is so that companies, and agencies who find that they may have higher-than-normal amounts of Negrophobia in their organization can work with the individuals to get them the treatment they need.”

Brown says that the AMA is recommending treatment such as “pulling your head out of your ass” for individuals suffering from Negrophobia.

Donald Trump’s Secret Sex Tape Leaks To Internet

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

During one of the most bizarre campaign races of all time, Republican hairpiece Donald Trump has suffered a possible blow to his chances of becoming the next leader of the Free World. A sex tape, reportedly leaked by one of Trump’s aides, shows The Donald vigorously masturbating to his own reflection in a hotel mirror.

“Oh yeah, who’s going to be the president? WHO is going to BE the BEST DAMN PRESIDENT EVER?!” Trump asks himself in the tape, while winking and making odd faces at himself in what appears to be a Hilton hotel mirror. He also makes several racist remarks about Mexican immigrants, and talks tirelessly of money. The video, which is 87 minutes long, is thought to have been secretly recorded while Trump has been on the campaign trail.

“It’s the funniest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Joe Goldsmith, a democrat from Utah. “I saw it floating around online last night, and curiosity got the better of me. You would think you wouldn’t want to see Donald Trump yanking on his old dick, but I tell you what, you’d be wrong. I may vote for the guy now just because it was so damn funny.”

According to Trump’s campaign staff, they have been working tirelessly to have the video removed from the numerous websites it appeared on late Saturday evening, but it has proved “almost fruitless.”

“Frankly, we just can’t catch up to all the places it is appearing,” said Trump campaign manager Mick Rogers. “I think at this point, we may just embrace it. I mean hell, who hasn’t jerked off to their own reflection once or twice, am I right?”

Trump is currently leading in the polls for the Republican party.

Woman Has Husband’s Penis Stuffed By Taxidermist After Untimely Death

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Mary Lambert, 34, has reportedly had her deceased husband’s penis ‘stuffed’ by a professional taxidermist after he passed away last week from colon cancer.

Lambert says that her husband, Mark, who died last Monday, suffered for over 3 years from the disease, and that he gave her permission before he died to have his penis removed and taxidermied so that she could continue to enjoy it.

“My husband Mark and I were high school sweethearts, and neither of us was ever with anyone else sexually,” said Lambert. “I told Mark that I never wanted to be with anyone else after he was gone, and he jokingly said maybe we should have his penis stuffed for me for ‘later use.’ After he got sick, the discussion became less of a joke, and more of a research game, trying to find a taxidermist who would do it.”

Lambert says that she was able to find a taxidermist in Texas who agreed to work with the penis, but because the law prohibits the taxidermy of humans, she has declined to say his or her name.

“All I will say is that they were very generous, and they agreed to perform the stuffing of Mark’s penis for free, knowing that it was for a grieving widow,” said Lambert. “I am just very glad that I do not have to go without now that Mark has passed, and I know that he is smiling down at me from Heaven when he watches my pleasure myself with his detached penis.”

Warner Bros. Studio Announces ‘Harry Potter’ Remake Slated For 2017

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Warner Bros. Studios, the company behind the mega-franchise Harry Potter films, has announced today that they are working on a remake of the series, with the first film already scheduled for release in 2017.

“We started realizing awhile ago that we would never have another series as big as Harry Potter,” said WB CEO Bruce Landon. “With companies like Sony remaking Spider-Man less than 10 years after their original film, we knew that Harry Potter could easily be re-made, as it has been nearly 15 years since the first film. People will flock to the theatres. Plus, it’s so much easier to just write a check and get some new movies made than it is to come up with new ideas.”

Writer J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter novels, is reportedly on board with the idea of a remake, and says that an entire new generation of children can discover Hogwarts that way.

“Plus, it will give me several more big, fat checks,” said Rowling. “God knows I don’t have any more good books in me, but I would love to stay the richest woman in England. I think this works.”

Warner Bros. has not yet announced a cast or a director, but the studio says that they have hired screenwriter Alan Ball (American Beauty) to produce a script. Filming is set to begin in April of 2016.

Boy Expelled For Playing ‘Death Of Jesus’ During School Recess, Crucifying Other Students

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PLAINVIEW, Texas –

A Plainview boy was expelled from school this week after he was caught ‘crucifying’ other students during recess. According to school officials, Jacob Smith, 9, was sent home with his parents after reports that he was tying other children to sticks he’d formed in the shape of a cross, and slapping them with branches or jump ropes.

“Jacob was caught whipping other students that he’d tied to a cross, and also spitting on them and calling them names,” said school administrator Mark Jones. “Apparently, this is a game that Jacob had convinced many students to play over the last several weeks, telling them that it was ‘fun,’ and that if they didn’t play with him, they would go to hell.”

Jacob’s parents say that he is a very bright boy, and that he was just acting out the things he’d learned.

“We read the bible every day at home, and we recently learned about the crucifixion of Christ,” said Jacob’s mother, Mary. “Jacob was very excited to learn about the death of Christ, and we encouraged him to talk to play and talk with his friends. If this is what he wanted to do to explore what our Lord and Savior went through, then we stand behind him 100%.”

School officials say that several of the children received rope burns and lash marks across their bodies, and that many parents are threatening to sue Jacob’s family.

“This is why we shouldn’t have religion, and this is why it definitely shouldn’t be taught to children,” said Phil Brewer, whose son, Mike, was whipped with a jump rope for over 20 minutes before being untied. “Christ isn’t real, the Bible is just stories made up for insecure, mindless idiots. Obviously these people need to do something about their hellion of a son before he starts skinning people and wearing their flesh or something. It’s disgusting what religion has done to him…to everyone, really.”

Mom Claims Her Teenage Daughter Was Impregnated By Flu Shot

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island –

A teenage girl has reportedly gotten pregnant after receiving a routine flu shot at a local pharmacy, according to the teen’s mom, Roxanne Myers.

Myers claims that her virgin, 16-year-old daughter, Rebecca, was impregnated after receiving her yearly flu shot a the family’s local CVS pharmacy.

“Rebecca is a sweet, innocent girl who has never even had a boyfriend,” said Myers, 44. “I asked her if she had ever had sex, and she said no, so the only possible explanation is that she got pregnant from the flu shot we got at the CVS.”

Doctors have tried explaining to Myers that her daughter could not possibly have gotten pregnant from the flu shot, and that there is probably a more “rational” explanation for her pregnancy.

“I told them that Rebecca was a virgin, but they didn’t believe me,” said Myers. “I know that the flu can’t get you pregnant, but what I think happened is that some young, horny stockboy at the CVS probably masturbated into the vaccine, or maybe onto the needles, I don’t know where. But regardless, his semen got my Becky pregnant, and I’m going to sue!”

Rebecca Myers, wisely, had no comment on the circumstances regarding her pregnancy.