Kris Jenner Claims O.J. Simpson Is Kendall Jenner’s Real Father During Emotional Interview

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

While being interviewed on the entertainment based syndicated radio program ‘Star Power’ on 109.9 WKPC in Los Angeles, superstar reality television mother Kris Jenner, 59, dropped a stunning bombshell on listeners yesterday evening when she publicly announced that O.J. Simpson was Kendall Jenner’s real father.

Simpson’s name came up while discussing the bizarre behavior and impending sex-change of her ex-husband Bruce Jenner. Kris said she had befriended Simpson while her now deceased ex-husband, Robert Kardashian, was defending the former NFL star turned actor in his murder trial.

“Just do the math,” Jenner told talk show host Marcus Hardin. “The trial took place from November 1994 to October 1995. Kendall was born November 3rd of 1995. Robert (Kardashian) and I had been in a good point in our relationship because I knew he needed the support of Kim, Khloe, and myself during such a high-profile trial.”

“Whenever we had the chance we would all meet up for dinner. One night he took us all to meet O.J. while he was in jail, he had a lot of pull there, and they gave us two rooms to privately meet with O.J. so that Robert could speak with him about the case in the other room. Well, Robert being the great guy he was, noticed that O.J. and I had really hit it off and suggested we take some time to speak alone in the other room, and that is when we had sex during a moment of passion. O.J. was sad, depressed and desperate for attention and I had been a big fan of his. It just happened.”

Jenner said that it was something she regrets, mostly because she hates criminals like O.J.

“Bruce and I were not having sex at all, we hadn’t had sex since 1992 in fact. Anyway, I got pregnant with Kendall. I have never told anyone this before, I hope she doesn’t hate me after this.” Jenner stated in a state of uncertainty.

President Obama Criticized as ‘Unpatriotic’ for Skipping Breakfast

Posted on March 17, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The President sparked controversy once again last Thursday with actions causing some to question if he’s truly fit to continue holding office. What seemed like a harmless interview quickly turned into a dramatic scandal. The interviewer, who chooses to remain anonymous, came forth to explain the incident.

“I was just asking routine, nonsense icebreaker questions – you know, like stuff about his dogs or sports. Then I asked what his favorite breakfast was.”

His answer to that question shocked the world.

“When I found out that he doesn’t usually eat breakfast I was so disgusted that I just got up and left,” the interviewer said.

Since details of the exchange have been released, people have been wondering: should such an unpatriotic – bordering on anarchic – person be our president? Breakfast, which has been part of American culture since colonial times, has become a symbol for the nation’s strength, unity, and wholesome virtues.

United States Senator John McCain, Obama’s opponent in the 2008 elections, made light of the situation while also reminding the country of what they could have had. He Instagrammed Perpetua-filtered photos of his extremely patriotic bacon-eggs-and-toast breakfast, then tweeted:

“Breakfast every day. #justsaying #betterlucknexttime #2016”

Some groups have pointed towards Obama’s anti-breakfast policy as an opportunity for change – which was the theme of his campaign.

“Maybe we don’t need breakfast every day,” one supporter commented, “just like we don’t need racism and same-sex marriage bans.”

Obama supporters urge people to have an open mind and consider how necessary tradition really is. On the other hand, millions of people are still outraged, citing tradition as one of the most important parts of culture. Furthering the nationwide anger is the President’s decision to ignore this pressing issue to focus on lesser matters such as ISIS and the national budget, likely because he is in his second term and not concerned with reelection, experts say.

3-Year-Old Steals His Mothers Car, Police Chase Lasts 5 Hours

Posted on March 17, 2015 by JP

FORT WAYNE, Indiana-

3-year-old Jason Frew is looking at becoming the youngest resident of the Indiana State Correctional Facility For Children after a recent stunt he pulled. Little Jason had the local police officers of Fort Wayne in his rear view mirror for over to 5 hours early Tuesday morning after taking the family car out for a joyride.

Jason’s mother, Elisabeth Frew, noticed him missing along with the car, and she called authorities. An officer noticed a car driving very slowly and curving in and out of lanes only a few short miles from the Few home.

“I hadn’t gotten the call yet that a child was missing, but when I saw this kid behind the wheel I was shocked. To be perfectly honest, when I first saw the car and the person behind the wheel, I thought it was a drunk midget driving,” said officer Holtz of the FWPD.

When cops attempted to stop the car, Jason began to drive faster and faster. As officers did everything to slow the car down while making sure they didn’t hurt the young boy, the speeds of the pursuit increased more and more. Due to the open road conditions in Fort Wayne and the extreme caution they were using so as not to cause injury, the police ended up following Jason for 5 hours before he was stopped.

Elisabeth Few says she has no idea how Jason got the keys, or figured out how to use the car well enough to drive around.

“I cannot believe that he was able to drive so far and for so long,” said Elisabeth. “I guess he was paying a lot more attention when riding in the car than I thought. I’m just glad no one was hurt, but it’s going to be hard not having him home as he goes to toddler jail.”

Lawyers for the Fews say that Jason will get 3 to 6 months for reckless endangerment and driving without a valid license.

Government Tests Pollution Clouds, Chemtrails as Means of Weather Control

Posted on March 17, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The first in a series of tests for a previously classified government project took place over the past month. Codenamed “Project Overcast,” this latest innovation in science attempts to give some control over Mother Nature’s unpredictable weather.

For this long-term test, scientists deployed several large vehicles to the deserts of Nevada which filled the air with heavy pollution clouds and chemtrails. The goal was to create artificial cloud cover that would drop the temperature over a long period of time. The results were, in lead scientist Harrison’s words, “Pretty sweet.” Temperatures dropped as much as 20 degrees in the first week, with the added side effect of blotting out the sun.

“Obviously we were testing this for human use, but it was a great sight to see the creatures of the desert get a break from the sun and heat for a while. They all cuddled together and a few went to sleep for a really long time. It was cute,” Harrison said.

According to the follow-up report, the test was almost too successful – the clouds lingered much longer than expected. So long, in fact, that “any longer and it would have started snowing,” Harrison said.

The team is still investigating reports of the pollution clouds causing health problems to fauna in the area, as well as drifting to nearby cities and reducing their overall air quality by substantial amounts.

“Who cares about silly things like air quality? This is exciting!” Harrison said when asked about the blown-over clouds.

Government projections show this technology ready to use on a wide scale by 2017, bringing climate control to the rest of the United States.

American Bald Eagles Reconsider Extinction After Touring U.S.

Posted on March 17, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Last month an American Bald Eagle Pride convention was held in Washington, D.C., which then traveled to every U.S. state on a tour of the country. The event, which was supposed to be a celebration and public display of the nation’s longevity, turned sour in just a few days.

The species, which was previously on the verge of extinction, began to quickly lose morale as they saw the state of the country. By the end of the tour, almost every one of the eagles felt disenchanted with their once beloved homeland. While in captivity, their caretakers reportedly kept them isolated from the outside world by controlling television stations, access to the internet, and even filtering their mail.

One of the oldest eagles commented during a press conference:

“There are no trees. People and animals live in horrible, filthy cities. The air is polluted like hell. Who would want to live here?”

Counseling was provided for each individual Bald Eagle in hopes of stopping the onset of depression. Many reported feelings of shame and anxiety at being icons of such a deteriorated country, and all of them agree that the country has fallen far from its former glory.

“Extinction isn’t looking so bad anymore,” the eagle continued. “Maybe we should have died with America’s dignity.” Other eagles on the tour shared his sentiment.

The U.S. Government plans to implement a specialized intensive therapy group for the country’s mascot, though it may be too late. Some have already done the unthinkable – worse than taking their own life: migrated to Canada, which they hail as having “much higher standards.”

Uber Slammed For Not Having Attractive Female Drivers

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Transport and travel phenomenon Uber has had its fair share of problems. The smartphone app works efficiently and is especially useful, but major issues have ranged from accusations of rape against drivers, to criticisms of the company raising prices in emergencies. Now they face a new volley of complaints, this time for not having enough attractive female drivers.

“We believe that Uber is intentionally bigoted against our community,” said Attractive Females for Equal Opportunities head, Stephanie Andreason. “They’ve certainly got a ‘type’ – usually dumpy males with a little body odor. Accordingly, we’ve initiated an inquest as to whether this phenomenon constitutes discrimination and violates employment ethics.”

Uber’s founder and CEO, Travis Kalanick, has however hit out at Andreason, saying that they’ve continuously tried and failed to attract beautiful women drivers.

“Trust me, Stephanie. If we could get hot chicks to drive our cars, we would. We’d even charge extra for their services. Our male customer base would benefit, and we’ll do anything to assuage them and further our business interactions in that arena.”

LGBTI activists consequently spoke up against Kalanick, calling him homophobic and shortsighted.

“Their male customer base would benefit?” said Hilton Herring. “What about their lesbian clientele? What about the queers? What about transgender persons born male but identify themselves as female? What about gender-non-specific individuals? Obviously Mr Kalanick is out of date with the modern world, and is still living according to Victorian values. We’re going to protest until he apologizes or resigns his post.”

Andreason responded to Kalanick as well, saying that “we have hundreds of models in bikinis waiting to get into a car and drive drunk teenagers around. Don’t pretend there aren’t. We even have one who turned up to an interview topless, and she was dismissed wihtout even getting interviewed. It’s because she has massive boobs, and apparently the Uber employment don’t like that.”

Kalanick was overheard saying to a close associate, “Shit, they read our minds.”

NASCAR Fans Disappointed That No Drivers Have Been Killed Recently

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

It’s been a quiet few months for NASCAR, and fans are beginning to grumble. Since August 2014, not a single driver has been killed, meaning the sport is nothing more than grown men playing racing cars. Kevin Ward Jr. was the flavor of the month when Tony Stewart seemed to accelerate into him, killing him and ending his short career.

“It’s no fun anymore, since Kevin’s death,” said long time fan, Huxley Turncroft. “They’ve increased safety regulations, and I can’t imagine we’ll see any further accidents of the kind in the near future. Drivers are just too scared to be reckless right now.”

NASCAR driver Jamie Dick has been hospitalized in the last few days, but apparently it’s because of health issues unrelated to driving. He certainly wasn’t hit in the head by debris on exiting his car after a crash.

“Dick is in our thoughts,” said NASCAR spokesperson Reynold Howards. “Dick is in the hands of gentle and caring nurses. But he has a boring illness, and no signs of having hit his head on the steering wheel.”

Stefan Howitzer, an analyst of sports injuries and deaths, says the world is going through an unusual dry spell.

“A couple of weeks ago, a footballer in England collapsed due to minor issues. Basically, he fainted. Nothing exciting. At the Cricket World Cup in Australia a batsman went to the doctor for a common cold, but no one has been killed by having a cricket ball hit them in the back of the neck. And NASCAR has been even worse. Drivers have been escaping serious injury by either not crashing or by having excellent safety equipment built into their cars. New technology is destroying the world of sport.”

A representative of the NASCAR Drivers Association hit back at reports, saying “we’re trying really hard to cause injuries and death. However, it is getting harder to do so without having legal recourse taken against us. Our experts are working hard on coming up with new strategies.”

Neurologist Says Getting Tattoos Literally Makes You More Dumb

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN DIEGO, California –

If you do a simple Google search, you’ll find long lists of ill-thought out tattoos, featuring accidentally inappropriate or insulting examples, such as ugly representations of pretty people’s faces, or simply bad spelling and grammar. “Only God Can Juge Me,” and “Never Don’t Give Up,” are two such examples.

This phenomenon may have led you to believe that those who choose to get inked are not particularly intelligent, but new research has indicated that it is actually the other way around.

“Our study found that getting tattoos literally makes you dumber,” said neurologist, Doc Klein. “We tested the intelligence levels of 10 000 individuals before and after getting such tattoos as barbed wire around the bicep, or elaborate dragons across the arms and back. The results certainly surprised us.”

One such test showed that inked individuals are less coherent than before. They were unable to form well-constructed sentences and occasionally gave up in the middle of a word.

Another test had the subjects doing simple mathematical problems. While 100% were able to solve them in the first test, only 20% solved the same problems after.

“Right now we are unsure of the reasons, but we have a couple hypotheses,” said Klein. “The most convincing is that the act of getting a tattoo is essentially a dumb idea, and acting it out affirms that reality to the individual.”

The results help us to understand why it is repeat customers who get the most ill-conceived tattoos. Neck or face tattoos are among the most common for those covered in ink. There are even a few examples of heavily tattooed individuals getting penises tattooed to their heads or necks.

A man with “Fuck you” tattooed to his forehead, who chose to remain anonymous, explained his terrible choice.

“I like ‘Fuck you’ because it good me good. Dark colors make head red and good again.”

Study Suggests Movie Theatre Butter Can Make Men Sterile, Impotent

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

AUSTIN, Texas –

A worrying new study will have hordes of men staying away from popcorn at the movies. The startling research reports that the butter used by cinemas around America has the potential to make men sterile, and even impotent altogether. Apparently due to the chemical, PEW, the snack causes hormonal chaos, with testosterone among the major losses.

“We found this information due to a previous study in which the testicles of male rats fell off after the input of copious amounts of PEW,” said head researcher Peter Darren. “Immediately, we drew up a list of all edible products which might use the chemical. Popcorn butter was the only one with significant amounts.”

The researchers then did a longitudinal study, remarkably over only two years.

“Already in two years we saw the consequences of popcorn butter. 200 normal, adult males participated. 100 of them stayed away from popcorn for the period of time. The other 100 ate what would constitute a regular measure of the product.”

Out of the 100 who ate the popcorn, 15 were found to have low sperm counts, and 3 were completely impotent.

“18% is a shocking proportion, especially since movie popcorn is so heavily and widely consumed. It means almost a fifth of our population could be sterile or worse. That might explain the lower-than-expected population growth over the past few decades.”

The Independent Cinema Foundation (ICF) initially released a press statement refuting the claims made by the study.

“There is absolutely no need to panic,” it read. “We would not put our customers at risk were there even the slightest indication of harm. The reported study is being looked into, but at the moment it looks like one big hoax.”

Three hours later, however, and members of the ICF were already jumping ship.

“We’re totally fucked,” said former head of operations, Jonah Maddox. “This will be the financial ruin of us, as well as our moral downfall. We’ve been causing all this damage to so many innocent Americans, there’s nothing left for us to do but throw ourselves to the sharks.”

USPS To Begin Offering E-Mail Services This Summer

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An announcement from the United States Postal Service (USPS), stating that the long-running industry will begin delivering emails this summer, has been greeted with approval and enthusiasm. Pundits say that it’s about time the USPS catches up with the rest of the world, and fans of the public service are overjoyed that it has found a way to stay relevant.

“It’s fantastic that the Postal Service will remain with us for eons to come,” said Martha McConaughey, user of the post for over eight decades. “Frankly, I think the new-fangled email post is far too complicated and unnecessary – after all, we’ve used post for centuries. But it’s being embraced by young generations, and we oldies worried that our favorite means of communication would be discontinued. This way, it remains working with the email post service a sideshow.”

Google chairman, Eric Schmidt, has expressed his effusive acknowledgement of the next chapter in US postal history.

“We have been looking for a new carrier of emails and the USPS is better than we could have imagined,” he wrote in a pop-up note to Gmail users. “The load that Gmail processes is becoming too much for our current contractors to deliver, and we trust that the country’s faithful servant will find a way to deliver emails in the fastest, most efficient way possible.”

There have been other reasons that Google have been looking for a new delivery system. According to GStats.org, over 2% of emails get delivered to the wrong people, and online vouchers get lost in the post. Sometimes the email will arrive with the voucher having fallen out. Martha McConaughey shared her shock story with us.

“I sent my grandson an email with a voucher for the iTunes for $20. Two months passed without it arriving, and I had to send him a new one! I couldn’t believe the negligence which it was treated with, and Google weren’t sympathetic at all to my concerns. They called young Harry a liar! Can you believe that?”