Portia Rossi Admits She is “Probably Too Hot” for Ellen

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Confirming what many have long suspected, Portia de Rossi has confessed that she is “probably too hot” for wife Ellen DeGeneres. The couple have been together for over ten years, but the former Ally McBeal star says that throughout most of the time, she has been way out of Ellen’s league.

“Ellen has a great personality and she’s constantly making me laugh,” de Rossi, who was once named in People Magazine’s ‘100 most beautiful’ list. “I love her to death, and without her support I’d probably be dead. But let’s be honest, I’m a 10 and she’s at best a 7.”

Ellen, far from being upset by the admission, agreed completely with her wife’s sentiments.

“When we first started dating I’d constantly think, ‘how the hell did I land that?’ For at least the first three years, I thought it certainly wouldn’t last – people as beautiful as Portia generally end up with someone in their league. Ten years later and it’s refreshing to know that her loyalty has nothing to do with some sort of non-recognition of the disparity.”

Public opinion has been hugely positive towards the announcement, with many saying that the actor’s candidness has given a huge boost to the less attractive portion of the population, proving that similar hotness levels are unnecessary for love to succeed.

“It’s a triumph of true love,” said sentimentalist Jenna McCarthy. “Those two, who no one in their right mind would have paired, have made it against the odds. They’ve been together for longer than most mutually attractive celebrities are, and they’re still going strong to this day.”

Rumors are emerging of other celebrities who are probably too hot for their partners. Top of that list are Beyonce (partner: Jay-Z), Sofia Vergara (Joe Manganiello), and Jennifer Lawrence (Chris Martin).

Madonna Exposes Deviant Sex Acts No One Wants to Know Any More

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Madonna has once again exposed details of her deviant sexual acts, this time with no prompting or interest from the general public. The powerful superstar has released lude details of her private life over the course of her incredibly long career, usually to great excitement from Christian men in particular. This time, critics are saying she’s too old to be anything but repulsive to most sexually active persons.

“Madonna still retains her high level of significance,” said Bishop John Kemp. “But these sex books and tapes and interviews she keeps doing – well, they’re getting a bit much. The first time she did it was exciting. The first ever woman to be impregnated by God. Now it’s gotten old, along with her wrinkled skin and decomposing nose.”

The latest revelations were released in a detailed interview with Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Watchtower publication. They described her and God doing it in a number of never before seen ways – positions and actions that are impossible for most mortal beings.

“Her loyalty to the deity is remarkable,” said theologian Mark Walters. “Over the past two millennia, she’s remained the Virgin Mary, keeping all her sexual activity on a higher plane. It’s an inspiration to us all in this time of free love and rampant divorce. However, in my experience Christian leaders do not take well to hearing about the sexual deviance of their God.”

And the response from priests and ministers around the world has proved his sentiments to not be unfounded.

“I’m quickly losing respect for Mother Mary,” said one cardinal of the Catholic Church. “She’s our martyr and, although her initial encounters with the Lord Above gave us inspiration and hope, now she’s just undermining his name. I don’t want to know that he likes to create a vagina for himself out of nothing and let her stick her hand inside. No one needs to know that information.”

The deity however stood up for his long term lover, stating that His virility should be something that mortals can aspire to, and that the Virgin Mary should be acknowledged for her sexual prowess.

Bruce Jenner Knew He was a Woman Ever Since He Discovered He Had a Vagina

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

The entertainment industry is still getting used to Bruce Jenner’s recent revelation that he is transitioning, but Jenner today said in an interview with TMZ that he’s known he was a woman ever since the age of five, when he realized he had a vagina.

“I was always told I was a boy,” the transexual said in the close-up and personal discussion. “But very early on – even before kindergarten – I knew. The epiphany came when I discovered I had a vagina, and since then it’s been a long struggle to work up the courage to admit it to the world.”

Jenner said that his parents insistence that he participate in track and field sports was perhaps the most difficult challenge against his identity in early childhood.

“I had to participate with all the boys. I might have seemed perfectly normal to them, but I knew I was different. Somehow, I managed to compete at the highest level, in the men’s races, but my womanhood was always there, accompanying my vagina every step of the way.”

Later on, Jenner faced the new challenge of living as a family man, fathering 6 children, along with being the stepfather of the Kardashian siblings.

“I was always anxious that someone would find out. It was especially hard being intimate with [ex-wives] Chrystie, Linda, and Kris. Have you ever tried hiding a vagina during sex? No, didn’t think so. Also, it often bothered her that I dind’t have a penis. That created a major challenge, especially since they all wanted to have children with me. We beat the odds, and I’m glad to have all 6 biological children, but even for the kids it was hard growing up with a dickless dad.”

Bruce acknowledged that his female genitalia will help ease the transition to becoming a woman.

“Of course, it has great practical advantages now that I’m open about it. Surgery and treatments will be easier, and I’m really excited that my vagina can finally take its rightful place in my life – as the centerpiece of my womanhood.”

Obama Confesses Dirty Secret: ‘I Had Sex With Michelle’

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The political arena of the US has again been rocked by a sex scandal, this time at the highest level. Speculation has given way to fact, as President Barack Obama today confessed that he has had sex with first lady Michelle – on multiple occasions. Yet, unlike with former President Bill Clinton’s misbehavior, Obama does not appear to be abashed in the slightest, leading to criticism from conservatives around the nation.

“I’ve been sleeping with Michelle for years now,” wrote the president in a long, tedious series of twitter posts. “23 years in fact. Long before I was voted in to run this country. Long before Michelle was voted in as First Lady. Even before I was in office in Illinois. We’ve had intercourse so many times. I lost count long ago. We’re both really good at it. That is why we keep doing it. As an amoral liberal, I believe that there is nothing wrong with the president and the first lady sleeping together.”

Conservative senator and possible 2016 presidential candidate, Rand Paul, has reacted with fury at the president’s remarks.

“This is what happens when you’re too left wing!” he shouted to loud applause while visiting in Des Moines. “Suddenly it’s alright to have all kinds of disgusting affairs. It doesn’t matter that you’re a role model to the nation. Who cares? Why not have the time of your life?” the Kentucky politician scoffed.

Other critics were more concerned about issues closer to home.

“What about the children?” asked former congresswoman Michele Bachmann. “Natasha and Malia Ann will be devastated at the news that their parents have carried out such an illicit affair. It’s appalling.”

Natasha Obama, however, was more forgiving.

“Mom and Dad have been living together for a long time,” she wrote on her blog. “When you’re in such close proximity, stuff happens. It really comes as no surprise to me. Two attractive people sleeping in the same bed inevitably have sex. I watched that movie with Sandra Bullock – The Proposal I think it was called. Those two even ended up getting married.”

Elusive Woolly Pig Found Living in Serbia, Plan to Fight for Their Survival

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SUBOTICA, Serbia –

The Mangalitsa has long been considered a poor attempt at a hoax, with pictures of the strange “woolly pigs” dismissed by zoologists as poor manipulations of photographs. But the existence of the rare breed has been confirmed by hikers in Serbia, having accidentally stumbled upon a large community of the species living peacefully in the country’s mountainous terrain.

“We were very surprised – pleasantly surprised – to find these strange creatures,” said expedition leader Harriet McCormack. “When we came across a high rise fence surrounding an arbitrary area close to our hiking route, we thought that previous hikers must have built a colony for themselves. Turns out, these reclusive animals constructed it in an attempt to keep out of the public eye.”

Reclusive is indeed the word for these majestic mammals. Reporters entered the Mangalitsa colony only to find the members unwilling to talk, only looking at them suspiciously.

“They had a resigned look on their fluffy faces,” said Jina Louisia. “Almost as if they knew this day would come. They stopped what they were doing and went into their houses, probably to spend some time with their families before we massacre them and eat their bacon.”

Late on Tuesday the leader of the settlement, Peggy McGee, released a statement to the press.

“We consider this invasion as an act of war,” it read. “We will do whatever it takes to fight further the human enemy, even if it anyway leads to our deaths. We will die heroically, rather than by the whims of your hateful species.”

The release ended on a positive note, however, saying that although the pigs “are wary of being betrayed as were the now extinct Mouflon sheep in the 1800s, we will welcome a peace deal. There must at least be measures in place so as not to find ourselves on the plates of obese American children.”

At press time, members of the colony were being docilely led en masse into a slaughterhouse, having been told they were simply to receive a haircut and shower.

California Woman Shocked After Waking Up With A Drunk Channing Tatum In Her Bed

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

It’s happened to all of us. After a night of alcohol and debauchery, we face the next day with terrible regrets. At some point, every one of us has woken up next to a drunk Channing Tatum, and that is exactly what happened to Mary Shelly Wood of California.

“I knew I had a bit too much to drink, but I didn’t realize it was that bad,” she mumbled to a close friend through the haze of a harsh hangover. “This has never happened to me. I mean, I’ve woken up next to hunky men before, but usually I remember how they got there.”

Although Wood acknowledges having had sexual fantasies of the Magic Mike star, this situation was something she’d never had in mind.

“I’ve been warned by so many friends that I don’t want to end up like they did – in bed with the totally wasted man of my dreams. But I was naive. I thought that sort of thing couldn’t happen to me.”

Mary’s sister Lucy says her sibling has a lot to learn.

“Of course, she’s going through what all of us have been through,” said Lucy. “She’ll carry her regrets throughout the day, mingled with the hope that Channing will decide that she’s “the one” and make her the happiest girl in the world. Then, at some point over the next week, he’ll wake up, put on his underwear, make himself breakfast and walk through the door, never to return. I’ve been there. We all have, and I realize now that it’s time to warn our little brother, Jeff.”

Trainee journalist, Michael Mahone, adorably thought he could get a statement out of the 21 Jump Street actor. He too experienced the same terrible regrets we all have – of finding ourselves interviewing a grunting, unconscious Channing Tatum in someone else’s bed.

Hulk Hogan Announces 2016 Presidential Run

Posted on February 24, 2015 by JP

CLEARWATER, Florida –

A wrestling icon will be attempting a new career path next year by seeking to become the next President of the United States of America. Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, has announced today that he will be running for President in 2016, and plans on winning, brother.

“I’m sick of the way things are being done in this country, brother, and I believe it is high time I rip off this graphic t-shirt, throw on a suit and tie, and take these 24-inch Pythons to Washington, brother!” said Hogan. He went on to say that he will begin to tour the nation to help raise funds for his campaign, and feels his fans will back him on his decision.

“Listen hear brother! I’m going to be the best President this country has ever seen, brother. I’m going to bring this country to a standing ovation when they realize that a real man is in the office, brother. If a body builder can be the Govenor of California, there is no reason a wrestling icon can’t take the whole country, Brother.” said Hogan. “I am a real American, and I will fight for the rights of every man. I’ll fight for what’s right, I’ll fight for your lives, brother!”

Some political insiders say that they think the entire announcement was just a publicity stunt, and once Hogan gets the camera back on him, his attempts will fizzle away. Hogan, who has been retired from wrestling for years, still appears at main events from time to time for the WWE. He also was the star of his own reality show, Hogan Knows Best.

President Obama Invites Seth Rogen To White House To Be Fill-In President For A Week

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Barack Obama has invited actor and comedian Seth Rogen to the White House to fill in for him as President of the United States for a week so that he can vacation with his family according to a statement released by White House press secretary Josh Earnest.

“The President and his administration has decided that he is in dire need of a family vacation,” Earnest said this morning. “There was a meeting of White House staff early yesterday in which a short-list was discussed for suitable fill-ins for the job for a week.” the press secretary added. “It was decided early on in the meeting that the Vice President was unable to fulfill the needs due to his commitment to a bowling tournament, ultimately it was determined that actor Seth Rogen was a great choice since he was an actor.”

Rogen accepted the role with honor and told Entertainment Today reporter Jasmine Archibald that he was excited to sit at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and make decisions on the Presidents behalf for a week. “Yeah I mean how hard can it be? All you have to do is sit back that and sign stuff all day and look good doing it, I’m sure I can smoke a couple joints and pull that off, let’s get real.” Rogen said.

Obama did admit that he personally chose the actor for the sole reason of upsetting North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. “I knew it would piss him (Jong-un) off, so I said lets do it, lets put Rogen in the chair,” Obama said.

‘Breaking Bad’ Star Bryan Cranston Diagnosed With Cancer

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In a tragic twist of fate, Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston may be facing a similar ordeal to that of his character from the hit TV series.

The actor, also known for his role in the TV series Malcolm In The Middle, has recently had his career diagnosed with a terminal case of cancer. A year and a half after the series finale, in which Cranston played cancer riddled Walter White, doctors have attributed Cranston’s career’s sickness to his minor role in 2014’s reboot of the Godzilla franchise.

“It’s a known carcinogen,” said famed oncologist Dr Hugh Hormones. “Taking small parts in disappointing remakes of classic movies is a surefire way to precipitate the disease. We warn actors time and time again, but after starring in long-running award-winning series, the temptation of getting back out there is just too great.”

Fans of the actor have come out in huge support of his ailing career, sending sympathetic tweets and reposting photos they had taken with him – most of them show the man with a still-healthy looking career.

“Breaking Bad was always gonna be impossible to top,” tweeted TheRealJohnJonson. “#WeLoveYouWalterWhite”

“Bryan Cranston will forever be Walter White in my heart,” posted JessePinkmanStillLives. “#IBoughtGodzillaOnBluRay #ItWasOnSale #SupportCranston”

However, it seems that Cranston may not the only member of the cast of the AMC hit to be stricken with this rampant disease. Co-star Aaron Paul is said to be undergoing tests after symptoms that his own career might be deteriorating due to the incurable illness.

“Aaron took few precautions in exposed himself to an even more severe carcinogen,” said Dr Hormones, referring to Paul’s part in the latest reimagining of the story of Moses, Exodus: Gods and Kings. In it, Paul takes the role of Joshua, whose only lines include shouting the name “Moses” unclearly. This comes hot on the heels of his action film Need For Speed, a film about fast cars that is, curiously, not based on the video game series of the same name, and is a movie that most people aren’t even aware exists.

Family members of both victims have announced that they will stand by their loved ones’ sides throughout, and will “fight this thing together.”

“Aaron and Bryan at least have each other to get through it with. Their careers have for so long been interlinked, and now they will until the end,” said a family friend of Cranston’s.

Reports, however, suggest that Paul may be exposing himself to yet another possibly fatal carcinogen, with rumors placing him in the role of the scarecrow in an as yet unannounced reboot of the Hollywood classic The Wizard of Oz.

Afroman To Be Charged With Murder After Assaulted Fan Dies

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BILOXI, Mississippi –

Singer-songwriter Joseph Foreman aka Afroman, best known for his 2001 hit “Because I Got High”, is reportedly to be charged with the murder of Pink Platino. The girl died days after being knocked unconscious by a roundhouse punch that was, actually, pretty darn impressive for a forty-year-old stoner. Although Platino was initially thought to be uninjured, the sheer humiliation of the event, combined with internal bleeding in her brain, caused an unexpected hemorrhage.

“There’s a bunch of things that she knew she’d never live down,” said Mauve Platino, Pink’s sister. “Firstly, she was at a damn Afroman gig, a guy who had one hit that only stoners knew existed. The entire family cringed when we heard that she was there. Secondly, she was getting sexy with Afroman on stage, and someone caught that shit on film. Thirdly, a hit from Afroman was enough to send her to the ground. Jesus, I’m embarrassed to be related to her.”

Pink’s friends, however, came to her defense. “Pink was just a chiller,” said friend Matt “Matty-boy” Jacbos. “She was just chillin’ up there. Why can’t anyone just chill these days without getting smashed in the face?”

Lawyer John McDougal, who will represent the Platino family, was bullish about their chances at getting justice.

“It’s all on video,” he told media outlet TMZ. “He definitely can’t say ‘It Wasn’t Me,’ this time.”

When it was pointed out to McDougal that he was referring to a Shaggy song, the lawyer mumbled something about having lots of black stoner friends, and refused to comment further.

Afroman came out in his own defense, saying that it only happened because it was an early afternoon show, and he had not had a chance to take his “medication” yet.

Legal expert, Ziggy Fernandez, played down the chances that the singer would end up in prison.

“Seriously, no jury is going to take pity on the type of girl who attended Afroman concerts,” Fernandez said. “I think pretty much everyone agrees that if you go to an Afroman concert, you deserve to be knocked unconscious. If you die, well, you know, that’s just the way shit falls sometimes.”