Beyoncé Announces Departure From Music Business

Posted on February 19, 2015 by Angela Baker

LOS ANGELES, California –

After losing Best Album at this year’s Grammy’s, Beyoncé has announced she intends to quit music.

As stated to EntertainUs News, “Everyone is gonna think it’s because that honkey Beck stole my Grammy. I couldn’t care less. I’ve been planning to leave music for a while now. I had really wanted to end my career on a high note, and when I won the award I planned to make the announcement, but I guess my album just wasn’t good enough.”

When asked if she appreciated Kanye’s show of support, her answer was surprising. “That whole bunch is two-faced. After the show, Kim [Kardashian] gave me a nasty look and told me to stay away from her man. Like I wanted that fool to jump onstage on my behalf?! I think she’s threatened because my booty is all natural. Enough with the drama, though. I don’t need Kanye defending me at every turn anymore. It’s time to just back away. Between Kanye West, the Illuminati rumors, and all the memes of my face looking like Tina Turner on crack, it’s time to just take a break. A permanent break.”

What’s next for the star? “Jay wants me to be home more, bake apple pies, that kinda thing. I hate to disappoint my fans, but I’m looking forward to some long overdue rest and relaxation, with my face out of the tabloids. Maybe in a few years I’ll see what Mike Myers is up to, and we can have a go at another Austin Powers movie or something.”

50 Shades Of Grey Tanks At Box Office, Studio Says Women ‘Too Stupid’ To Appreciate Film

Posted on February 16, 2015 by ZGHarris

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Following a disappointing opening weekend at the box office, studio executives made a rarely-seen move to critique their audience. According to executives at the Universal and Focus studios, fans were simply “too stupid” to understand the film they were making.

“Women generally cannot understand the high-brow sophistication that is involved with dominance and power” said executive David Rosenthal. “We looked at all angles and aspects of how they movie could play out. We tend to know what’s best for women and so we were rather surprised that they showed any level of defiance when it comes to this project.”

While there were women who enjoyed the film, statistics showed they were usually middle-aged fugglies that no man wanted anyways. This would explain the eagerness for re-buy viewers who wanted to watch the film two or more times. However, executives stated they were uninterested in fatties as much as they were uninterested in feminazis that hate the film categorically.

“A woman with no spine is as bad as a woman with no brain,” stated Rosenthal.

“But I’m getting pretty tired of these Women’s Rights dummies at their rallies, natter on about how our movie is ‘disrespectful to women’ and how we’re ‘out of touch with women’. I mean, did you see the book sales? Obviously we know exactly what women want. The problem is that when faced with reality, they become defense. Quite frankly, because they are dumb.”

As one would expect, women’s right advocates are upset at the tone of executives like Rosenthal.

“The reason we do not care for the movie has nothing to do with women’s rights,” said Claire Dempsey of the Women First: Equal Rights for Women Movement. “We dislike the film because it was poorly done, rushed into production, and lacks the essence of the story.”

She continued, “If the movie was well written, well acted, or well directed, we would say so. It was not. The movie was a mess.”

50 Shades of Grey has since already been given a nod by the academy, and is said to be likely to receive at least three nominations for the 2016 Academy Awards for writing, acting, and directing.

Said Rosenthal of the comment and subsequent Academy nod, “See? Women are dumb.”

Online Comments Spark Feud Between Sam Smith, Pantera

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Comments written by fans on YouTube have stirred up an unlikely feud between singer-songwriter Sam Smith and heavy metal band Pantera. The conflict started when commenter biebersuckscock wrote in the comments of Stay With Me, “all u ppl who lik dis shit dont no wat reel music is pantera kills sam smith!!!1”

Smith fan manginamonologue responded on Pantera’s classic Revolution is my Name, “Do you term this racket music? I call it unidentifiable, expletive-laden filth, that holds no status among momentous artists of Sam’s ilk.”

Fans of both artists then entered unrelentingly into the online furor, eventually leading to Sam Smith himself speaking out.

“Pantera can suck my dick!” shouted Smith, under layers of black make-up at a recent concert. “Who gives a f*** about them anymore? They’s nobodies. All hail the devil of the music underground, Sam Smith!”

Pantera uploaded a video in response, including all three remaining members of the now defunct band standing solemnly with their arms around each other.

“We’re all quite devastated with Sam’s unfair attack on us,” drummer Vinnie Paul says in the understated recording. “We’ve all been fans of his since he was still an amateur singing on YouTube, and we’ve even been experimenting as a Sam Smith cover band – we need to make money somehow.”

Lead vocalist Phil Anselmo then states, “All we want is an apology. This fighting has hurt us to the core, and we are sure it is just a misunderstanding. We know that Sammy is mature enough to acknowledge the unintended pain caused by his actions, and we can all put this behind us.”

Smith has been quoted, unofficially, as saying, “Oh my God, they’re such pussies. ‘Ooooh, we’re so sad, he hurt our feeeelings.’ They must just wash the sand out of their vaginas and go back to jacking each other off in parking lots.”

Former President George W. Bush Diagnosed With Autism

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

AUSTIN, Texas –

In news that has rocked the nation, and in particular the Republican Party, former President George W. Bush has been diagnosed with autism. After classified documents detailing Bush’s childhood and development were released to lead psychiatrists, researchers were unanimous in naming the much-dreaded disease as the source of all of his idiosyncrasies and poor decision making abilities.

“I always suspected something of this kind,” said expert Chris Denio. “He is a very rigid, inflexible man. For example, his insistence on saying ‘nucular’ when he knew the term was ‘nuclear’. His oft-recognized kinship with [Russian President Vladimir] Putin, with whom there is definitely something… off. His weird relationship with [former British Prime Minister] Tony Blair – they did a lot of strange things together, like the time they created a blanket fort, but they hardly ever spoke. In fact, Bush hardly ever speaks unless he’s been told what to say.”

Current Iraqi President Fuad Masum expressed outrage at what he called the “arrogance of America. They allowed a man with a deep-seated disorder ruin our country! It’s just like when they allowed an actor to escalate the Cold War. I mean, an actor! To make decisions which could have led to the end of the world as we know it! Bloody Americans. Pfff.”

Friends and family of the politician rallied to his defence, while admitting that Bush truly is autistic.

“It’s not his fault,” said wife Laura. “Blame his parents. They gave him those vaccinations. Besides, he’s high functioning. And he has a wife who’s been behind all his decisions and actions, making sure he never did anything irreversible. Well, okay, war in Iraq was pretty irreversible, but other than that, hardly any f***-ups!”

The former President himself, when reached for comment, simply stated, “I know the square root of 2403302. Do you?”

Born Again Christian Unsuccessfully Attempts to Assassinate President

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Secret Service agents are on high alert after an unsuccessful assassination attempt on Barack Obama. The perpetrator, identified as a man called Mark David Chapman, fired shots from a .38 revolver at the president and first lady outside the entrance of the White House. He was found sitting at the scene, reading J. D. Salinger’s acclaimed novel, The Catcher in the Rye.

Chapman was apparently muddled, but gave a statement to the police indicating his motivations for the attempted murder of the president.

“He said that he was more popular than Jesus,” said Chapman, seemingly referring to something Obama may have said at a private gathering. “He also said that he didn’t believe in God, or the Beatles. How could he say those things? It just made me so angry.”

Friends of Chapman say that he has been growing increasingly religious, having become a born again Christian in 2012. He was formerly infatuated with President Obama, but became angry when he perceived what he called “Obama’s hypocrisy.”

“He told us to imagine no possessions,” Chapman continued, referring to a song that Obama must have written and recorded in his youth, “and there he was, with millions of dollars and yachts and farms and country estates, laughing at people like me who had believed the lies and bought the records and built a big part of their lives around his music.”

The hypocrisy struck a nerve, especially as he lived by the credo of Holden Caulfield (the protagonist of The Catcher in the Rye), who hated “phonies and phoniness.”

The president released a statement, indicating that he had earlier signed an old school vinyl album that Chapman had for him, and that he “seemed strange, but not like he was going to kill me or anything.”

Photographer Paul Goresh took a photo of Obama signing Chapman’s album, which has gone viral on social media around the globe.

McDonald’s CEO Confirms Meat Comes From Large Mutant Cow Blobs

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s CEO, Donald Thompson, may be retiring in March, but he is making sure that he’ll go out with a bang. The 51 year old has been working for the fast food chain for 25 years, and has seen it through many disparaging rumors and urban legends. However, in a first, he has admitted truth to one of the old stories – that McDonald’s beef comes from mutant cows.

“The cow – if you can call it that – is created in laboratories in Japan,” Thompson said at a farewell event. “It is hairless, limbless, deaf and blind. In other words, it does not contain any inedible material. It is simply a large, living meatball.”

The crowds who had come to see the celebrated businessman off gasped in horror at the images projected on a screen behind Thompson.

“It was a monster,” said one traumatised attendee. “At first it looked kinda delicious, but then I saw it was breathing. It started moving around and I just screamed. I don’t know if I can ever eat meat again.”

While the news may be off putting for some, the meat industry is frantic, with slaughterhouses scrambling in an attempt to get McDonald’s to share the process.

“This will change food forever,” said a Meat Inc employee on condition of anonymity. “The prices will go down, the quality will go up – as there’ll be only pure ‘beef’. And we’ll sell more than ever. Also, if we market it right, we may get PETA off our backs. Killing these monstrosities is surely better than killing cows, right?”

PETA spokesperson, Haydi Mansoon, disagreed with the source’s sentiments. “They’re bringing these creatures into the world which no one wants to see,” she said. “People will have even less sympathy for animals. Yes, there’ll be less cows killed. And yes, these beings probably are not conscious in the way humans and other animals are. But if we don’t protest this cause, soon we’ll have nothing left to live for.”

Groundbreaking Study Shows Prayer Might Not Actually Help Terminally Ill Patients

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

CONCORD, Massachusetts –

An important study recently concluded that gathered the minds of doctors, scientists, priests, and hundreds of thousands of people revealed some potentially devastating information: praying for people with terminal illnesses might not save their lives or even relieve their suffering.

In the five year long study, one hundred terminally ill cancer patients volunteered to take part. Half of them acted as the control group, while almost a million people, sourced through various channels, prayed for the other half consistently. The results: each case ended at completely random intervals, with only one person making a full recovery. This one man was in the control group.

“I had a hunch prayer might not be as effective as people make it out to be, but I never thought it would be completely useless,” one of the leading doctors for the study remarked.

The group behind the study followed up with a report stating that the findings were not entirely conclusive since “God’s will can’t be proven,” suggesting that the Holy Spirit already had different plans for this group of people. Nonetheless, it raises skepticism and is pushing more doctors to rely on their years of painstaking medical studies instead of prayer.

“The craziest part for me,” one of the study’s unbiased third-party observers said, “is that the people in the non-prayer group actually did better overall. I mean obviously with something like cancer it’s hard to tell because every case is different, but since people weren’t allowed to pray for them they spent their time raising money for research, helping them pay their medical bills, and in general doing whatever else they could to help.”

Several members of the study’s prayer group also chipped in to financially and emotionally support the control group without prayer, often finding that their time felt much better spent. A much larger and longer-term study is scheduled to begin in a few months to hopefully gather a second round of evidence.

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

NEW YORK, New York –

The state of New York made history this week, following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalizations across the country. Recreational use of heroin will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy, but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. The state is still figuring out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements.

One of the major points in making this decision came from the number of dealers and users of the drug who repeatedly end up in New York’s correctional facilities.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing heroin, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, but also open up a whole new job market,” Cuomo explained. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

A program is already in its early stages to rehabilitate and compensate imprisoned heroin dealers to return to society and act as the leading distributors, hoping to speed up this process while simultaneously reintroducing inmates to society.

Some of the decision’s most outspoken opponents, however, have been current dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chooses to remain anonymous, told us. “We don’t want it regulated. We make good money how it is now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Nonetheless, experts estimate this act will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

Governor Cuomo did not comment on whether or not he is a user himself.

Animal Shelter in California Initiates “Scared Straight” Program for Rebellious Puppies

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

ORANGE COUNTY, California –

The stereotypical profile of a pitbull walking the streets at night and getting picked up by dogcatchers is all too familiar for most people living in California. That’s why it’s the first state to have a “scared straight” program to put troubled young dogs back on track.

Scared Straight is a program that was originally designed for troubled teenage human children, but M. Walden, the owner of a dog pound in Orange County, saw the program’s design as an opportunity to extend help to other communities.

“These dogs don’t know what it’s like being locked up,” Walden told Empire News in a recent interview. “We’ve had youth intervention programs before where we just talk to them, but they all just look away like they don’t even understand what we’re saying. It’s frustrating.”

The program operates in much the same way with dogs as it does for troubled teens. Puppies, usually age two months to two years, are brought in and put through the same process as impounded dogs. They are harnessed, muzzled, and transported via cages.

Walden explained a typical day at the Scared Straight program to us:

“We show them what it’s like being locked up inside. Stuck in a cage in a room full of obnoxious barking dogs all day. These dogs don’t care – most of them are in here for life. But they see these young puppies walk in here with everything to lose and they really feel for them. We let them talk one-on-one for a while. The transition of growling dogs everywhere to a real sincere chat with a heartbroken lifer really gets to some of these pups.”

Walden says the hardest part is seeing some of the same puppies come in a year later to be locked up, but also that they make the next generation that much more scared to continue their destructive behavior.

The program is expected to spread to other parts of California with some funding and community support. So far its response has been overwhelmingly positive, and bad behavior in young puppies has dropped significantly.

Amazon Unveils ‘Amazon Crime’ Service, Offers Black Market Products at All-Time Low Prices

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

SACRAMENTO, California –

Amazon’s newest innovation is set to open its doors next month. Meet “Amazon Crime,” a service that provides much needed mediation for black market products and exchanges.

“The problem with the black market is that you have no security. You don’t know if you’re getting the drugs or weapons people say you are, and on the other side you don’t know if your buyer is going to pay you or shank you,” Amazon’s CEO explained in an interview. “Amazon Crime fixes that.”

Early previews of the platform are promising. Some features from Amazon’s existing marketplace will make their way into the service in the future, for example assassinations fulfilled by Amazon, free two-day shipping on human trafficking, and more.

“By providing a central, secure place for illegal activity, we hope to bring these products and services to the common middle-class family – not just impoverished people, neglected inner city children, and so forth,” an Amazon representative said in a press conference.

Many criminals have expressed their excitement for this platform, finally able to reach a global audience with their products and services.

“I feel like I’ll finally be able to start my career instead of just doing odd jobs here and there,” Trevor, a 24-year-old aspiring bank robber, shared with us.

Some of the more interesting categories expected to appear on the site include: prostitution, money laundering services, stolen government files, web attack bots, and chemicals. Amazon is also expecting to push out a new device, the Amazon Swindle, which is a combined criminal manual and pocket device to help the average user secure money from stolen credit cards.

According to the CEO, Amazon’s biggest challenge has been finding reliable suppliers. They have posted a number of job openings on their main website to recruit informants, writers, and other employees to help establish a unique but wholesome experience.