Study Shows That Listening To Heavy Metal While Pregnant Increases Baby’s Hair Growth

Study Shows That Listening To Heavy Metal While Pregnant Increases Baby's Hair Growth

 

STANFORD, California –

A group of prominent geneticists and musicologists from Stanford University recently released the results of a research project entitiled Prenatal Music Exposure. Scientists checked how different music genres affect the pregnancy, and what is their influence on baby’s growth after birth. Some of the results were shocking.

A small group of the researchers focused specifically on rock and metal music, wherein they asked 100 women to exclusively listen to nothing but Pantera, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest and Black Sabbath for the entire 9 months of pregnancy. Each day they were required to spend at least 2 hours exposed to the music. Scientists monitored the babies from their time in utero until the time they were 5-years-old, in order to see how the children would grow based on music.

“There were some experiments done in the past that proved music affects brain’s development, but nobody ever noticed such an obvious, physical evidence,” says Dr. Karen Ash from Stanford University. “We noted increased hair growth among children whose mothers listened to heavy metal during pregnancy. Compering to children who were exposed to other genres, the Metal Kids, as we called them, grew their head hair twice as fast. While an average hair of a non-metal child grew approximately one quarter inch monthly, a metal kid’s hair became up to half an inch longer. Several of the children, who are now 5, have hair past their knees.”

Scientists assume it is an example of genetic adaptation. The children grew long hair so they could effectively headbang to the rhythm of heavy metal.

“My daughter has long, black hair and she constantly refuses to have it tied. When she hears metal, she immediately starts moving her head rhythmically, back and forward, just like those guys during concerts,” says Mary Curtis, one of the mothers who participated in the experiment. “It’s kind of cute, but to be honest, I’ve been listening to nothing but heavy metal for almost 6 years now. She won’t let me listen to anything else. It’s really getting to be tiring.”

Scientists are not sure whether all genres can influence the human body in such apparent ways, or if it is restricted to just metal. They are also checking punk music, classical, rap, and opera. The rap babies are the only ones showing any signs of real change in any sort of physical behavior, as they all constantly pull their diaper down below their waste, letting the diaper hang low. Researchers are not sure if this was caused by the music, or just happenstance.

 

HBO Picks Up ‘Full House’ Reboot; Plans to Make Show Raunchy and Adult

HBO Picks Up 'Full House' Reboot; Plans to Make Show Raunchy and Adult

 

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Those who grew up in the 80s and 90s are in for a trip down nostalgia lane. HBO has picked up a reboot of the classic TV series Full House, saying the new imagining of the sitcom will bring a whole new, edgy feel to it. John Stamos, Bob Saget, and Dave Coulier will return as the homoerotic threesome, together figuring out the best way to raise their four possibly-incestuous daughters.

“We considered keeping the original set up – three daughters – but felt that sex scenes between the Olsen twins would bring in a fortune of viewership,” HBO CEO, Richard Plepler said to the press. “The filming crew could barely contain themselves at the sight of those two going at each other with all manner of dirty acts.”

Unfortunately, the original dog, Buddy, died of lung cancer in 1999. He has been replaced by a golden retriever named Spuddy, who plays the naive victim of the family’s bestiality.

“Casting Spuddy was a tough choice, because Buddy was so beloved,” said casting director, Joe Antonelli. “We considered leaving him out of the series altogether. But we wanted the show to be as raunchy as possible, and what better way than including a dog?”

Critical reaction to the news has been unanimously positive, with the as-yet-unreleased show becoming the first ever series to achieve a perfect 10 rating on IMDB. All agree that, no matter what the screenwriting is like, the original actors will bring that much-loved atmosphere of the original series right back into our hearts.

However, the demographic of viewers is set to change, with the series set to be TV-MA, which is much dirtier than it’s original PG rating. Many parents have come out against the rating, and plan on “defying the man” by letting their children watch.

“I want my kids to grow up with the same lovable characters as I once did,” said local dad, Simon Poi. “We used to sit in front of the television with dinner on our laps enjoying those fun times. I’m finally gonna get to share that with my kids, and it will take more than reactionary censorship to stop me.”

Google Programmers Admit They ‘Don’t Know Celebrities’, Can’t Tell Difference Between Marilyn Manson, Shia ‘Labuff’

Google Programmers Admit They Don't Know Celebrities, Can't Tell Difference Between Marilyn Manson, Shia 'Labuff'

 

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California – 

After sharp-eyed Google users began posting thousands of comments onto the company’s social media pages about a curious result to the search query “How Old Is Marilyn Manson,” Google finally admitted to the fact that they have “no knowledge” of celebrities, and that they don’t care to learn, either.

“Apparently, when searching for information on Marilyn Manson, users were greeted with a picture of Shia LeBuff…Labof. Of the Transformers kid,” said Google programmer Myles Jones. “To be frank, we don’t have the slightest idea who either of those people are, really. I seriously had to Google who Shia Labowf…Shia Lebeef…ugh, whatever – I had to Google him before I was even able to make this response. We at Google work hard to do things right, but pop culture? Celebrities? We just can’t be bothered.”

According to users on Reddit, people searching for information on Marilyn Manson, specifically his birthday, were given an answer by Google with the correct month, day, and year – but with a picture of actor Shia LaBeouf where an image of the ‘Beautiful People’ singer should have been.

“I thought it was a gag or something,” said Reddit user IPFreely69. “I laughed my ass off. Then I posted it to the web as a gag ‘conspiracy’ – Is Marilyn Manson and Shia LeBeouf The Same Person?!, and people jumped all over it, and then all over Google. Now I’m hearing that Google, the biggest search engine and most-trafficked website in the world, doesn’t know a thing about celebrities. So, I’m wondering if they really know a thing about anything. How do I know that any information they get for me is accurate?”

“We strive to make sure that all our user’s searches end with the correct information, or at least lead somewhere where the correct information can be found,” said Jones. “Whether it be searches for cat videos, searches for buying a new big screen TV, or searches for buying a new big set of titties, there’s a lot of really complicated algorithms and programming that goes into a massive search engine. We’re just a group of nerds working our asses off to make the site work. To be honest, should we really know who Shia Labuford…Shia Laroux? Shiaaa…aww, shit. Should we really have to know who Marilyn Manson is?”

Google says that they are working to fix the error made by their software team, and they don’t believe any specific programmer or developer maliciously swapped information or images in their search queries.

Teenage Girl Dies After Holding In Farts During School Dance

Teenage Girl Dies After Holding In Farts During School Dance

 

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

Parents and students at St. Petersburg high school are in shock and tears today after the news of the death of 16-year-old Katy Campbell. Campbell, a junior at St. Petersburg, died while attending a school dance, and the county coroner is claiming her death could have easily been avoided.

According to Dr. Joe Goldsmith of the St. Petersburg Medical Examiner’s Office, Campbell’s stomach imploded, and she died during the high school Winter Wonderland Dance.

“Katy died due to a large amount of  built-up methane gas in her stomach,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, we believe she was holding in a bad case of stinky flatulence, this causing her stomach and bowels to rupture. If she had just broken that wind, she would still be here today.”

Police investigators are ruling the death accidental, and say no foul-play is suspected. “Basically, Katy Campbell had the biggest date of her life, and apparently her parents, who are vegans, forced her to eat a giant plate of beans, kale, and spinach before she was picked up,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the St. Petersburg Police Department. “She tried desperately to hold in her gas so she would not be laughed at by her hunky jock date. Sadly, it ended her life. The parents have been through enough, so we will not be charging them as accessories, despite forcing the horrible meal onto poor Katy.”

“I wish she had just run off into the bathroom, or a dark corner somewhere, and just let that fart go,” said Katy’s date, Bob Eakafe. “I mean hell – I farted a couple times while we were dancing. Don’t think anyone noticed. Poor Katy, she probably thought she did it. It’s depressing really, because now I have no one to take to the spring dance next month.”

In lieu of flowers, Katy’s parents request donations be made to your local natural gas company.

CIA Picking Up Terrorist Chatter, Warns Of Valentine’s Day Attacks On American Soil

CIA Picking Up Terrorist Chatter, Warns Of Valentine's Day Attacks On American Soil

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

CIA Director John Brennan warned today of that the CIA and Homeland Security have been picking up increasing terrorist chatter over the past several months. Director Brennan spoke of possible suicide bomber attacks in all 50 states, with all signs pointing towards attacks happening on Valentine’s Day.

“We are seeing a lot of internet terrorist activity, all pointing at major suicide bombing attacks on February 14th,” said Brennan. “All major cities should be on high alert, and on the lookout for suicide bombers.  We are not sure why Valentine’s Day is being talked about specifically, as it has no significance in the Muslim world. The best we can figure out is that they know restaurants, movie theatres, and porno shops will be crowded, making them high value targets for the bombers. Wait, are there still porno shops around?”

Muslim gas station attendant, Mofak Aswad, said “It’s not easy being in America on Valentine’s day. There’s a lot pressure to have a date, or be with someone you love. It’s not easy for me, and I love America, I can only imagine how a lonely terrorist feels. Muhammad promises 72 virgins for those who kill in his name – oh, how I envy the suicide bombers, man those guys are going to get lucky!” 

“If I wasn’t in jail, I would blow myself up, just so I wouldn’t be alone on Valentine’s day,” said Gitmo detainee Haid D’Salaami. “I’m hoping Obama lets me go in time, because I can’t bare the thought of another lonely Valentine’s Day. I would gladly blow up myself and all you Godless infidels  just to get my hands on those virgins the Prophet promises. Praise Allah!”

Susan Boyle To Appear Nude In Playboy Magazine

Susan Boyle To Appear Nude In Playboy Magazine

 

BEVERLY HILLS, California – 

March’s issue of Playboy will feature a celebrity like none before. Susan Boyle, the former Britain’s Got Talent megastar, will appear au natural as Playboy’s monthly centerfold. At 54, Boyle will be the second oldest woman to bare all for a Playboy pictorial. Boyle’s publicist, Jacque McMaster, has confirmed the news.

“Susan is a very determined woman,” stated McMaster. “She’s extremely proud of her body. She’s been known to flaunt it at the beach too. She’s not afraid to go topless either. To be honest she’s kind of pissed off she wasn’t asked to pose for the magazine earlier. Not many people know this, but she took photos when she was in college.”

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner pushed for Boyle to appear, as he believes the ‘curiosity factor’ alone will boost sales of the magazine.

“Susan represents the ‘every woman.’ I love her story of perseverance. I’m proud she said yes,” said Hefner. “Crystal [Harris] is always listening to ‘I Dreamed A Dream.’ I get teary just listening to that record.”

Boyle is expected to have a concert at the Playboy mansion celebrating the release of her issue, and a new album as well. Reportedly, Boyle will be doing the second half of her set naked.

“Everyone will get to see Susan as beautiful externally as she is internally. She’s excited, but she’s not going crazy with crash diets or exercise,” elaborated McMaster. “Susan wants to be accepted for who she is now and she’s excited to prove people wrong about her physique, just like her voice. Get ready for the most downloaded woman in the history of the Internet. You watch. She’s going prove the haters wrong.”

Edward Norton Overdoses On Heroin While Researching A Film Role

Edward Norton Overdoses On Heroin While Researching A Film Role

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Famous Hollywood actor Edward Norton was hospitalized this morning after reportedly overdosing on heroin. Norton claims he is researching a role in an upcoming film in which he plays an heroin addict.

When I take on a role, I take it all the way,” said Norton. “For Fight Club I learned to fight; I even went to bars and picked fights with guys just to get experience. For American History X, I bulked up and joined a skinhead group all in the name of research. Now that I’m going to play an heroin addict, it should come as no surprise to people that I started using heroin, only for research of course. I didn’t mean to overdose, but I guess thats part of the learning curve of being an addict. I’ve got to say, heroin is really, really good. I guess that’s how I ended up using too much, in the name of research. I want to thank all my fans for their well wishes and I’ll be alright once I get out of the hospital, so I can continue to research my role some more.”

“I have no idea what he is talking about,” said Norton’s agent, Saul Ruben. ”If there was a movie deal I would know about it. I certainly didn’t get him the deal. I find it a little odd that he’s researching something that no one has heard of. I’ll tell you though – he’s as method as they come. Seriously. For Death To Smoochy, he used to really wear his purple suit around, months at a time, and would only talk to children. He also beat the shit out of Robin Williams on a regular basis, just to keep them hating each other. He’s an extreme actor.”

“His career was in the toilet until Birdman came out last year, and now he’s on the fast track to win an Oscar. I was hoping he was making a comeback,” said movie critic Carmine Classi. ”Maybe he’s on to something, though. Next time my wife catches me cheating, I’ll tell her I’m researching infidelity.”

 

Russia Drops Nuclear Bomb On Ukraine, Warns U.S. May Be Next

Russia Drops Nuclear Bomb On Ukraine, Warns U.S. May Be Next

 

DONETSK, Ukraine – 

Government officials in the Ukraine are confirming reports this morning that the Russian military has dropped a nuclear bomb just outside the city of Donetsk. The explosion, which was caught on film by several people located only 15 or 20 short miles from the blast site, has reportedly leveled an entire city.

“Strained relations with Russia, as separatists try to regain control of our government and join our country with the former Soviets, has caused issues for a long time,” said Ukrainian government spokesman Vasyl Borys. “At this time, we have no further comment on the matter except to confirm that a bomb was dropped near Donetsk, and that Russian military agents have claimed responsibility.”

A Russian military doctrine states that the country is only entitled to use nuclear weapons as a last resort, and normally only in retaliation for an attack, or impending attack, against the country.

“Frankly, our doctrine is straight der’mo. In English, just shit. Utter shit,” said Russian military general Vladmir Bulgakov. “I am not waiting for anyone to attack me. I will do what I want, when I want, and attack any country, at any time. Ukraine, China, Serbia, Germany…they are all just places that should be vyrovennyy, leveled. Indeed, United States is next target for Russian military. U.S. military, they are sukas. Bitches. I will make sure we crush them all.”

President Obama, who is on vacation in Jamaica with his family, could not be reached for immediate comment on the Russian threat. General Joe Goldsmith, of the United States Army, said that Russian forces were of “no real concern” to the United States at this time.

“Speaking on behalf of the United States Military, I’d just like to say that Russia, or any country that threatens us for that matter, can go straight to hell,” said General Goldsmith. “We have the strongest military in the world, and we don’t take any shit. They can drop all the nukes they want on the Ukraine. Hell, I didn’t even know the Ukraine was a real place until I heard the news. But trust me – no one is going to drop bombs on the United States.”

 

Uber Driver Charges A Passenger $14,000 For A Two Block Ride

Uber Driver Charges A Passenger $14,000 For A Two Block Ride

 

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

A women is attempting to sue the driving services company Uber after she claims she was charged way too much for a short drive. Melissa Green, age 26, is furious with the company, and claims she will go bankrupt because of them.

The incident occurred on a rainy day in Philadelphia, when Melissa was walking to work and forgot her umbrella. She noticed on her Uber app that their was a driver on the same block as her, and decided to get a fast ride to work. What happened next she says she never saw coming.

“I just jumped in the car and told the driver I was just a few blocks down. I was soaked, and in a rush to make it to work on time. I had him swipe my card and asked the total, he said it would only be ‘about 14.’ That’s a little higher than normal for a short drive, but as I said, I really needed to get to work quickly,” said Green.

The next day she got a call from her bank, asking if she noticed any unusual activity in her account, and they informed her that she had over drafted by several thousand dollars.

“When they told me this, I thought my identity was stolen – until they told me that the big charge was for Uber – $13,850. The banker even laughed, and said that I must have taken a very long trip. I told them it was mistake, and they told me they would contact the company,” said Green. “They figured maybe the driver punched in the wrong amount, trying to charge $13.85.”

Unfortunately for Green, Uber claims it was no mistake, and that when they contacted the driver, he had assured them that he explained the charge in advance.

“Drivers are allowed to charge whatever they’d like, and at that moment, I felt like charging that uppity-bitch a ton of money,” said the anonymous driver. “She was rude, hopped into my car soaking wet, talked on her phone the whole time in a loud, obnoxious voice, and then had the audacity to not even say thank you. She’s lucky I didn’t charge her more.”

Green is currently taking the company to court in hopes that the issue will be resolved.

“It is ridiculous, if you can’t trust a random person with your money then who can you trust?” said Green. “Needless to say, he’s only getting a 2-star review from me. Despite the charge, he did come really quickly. He also drives a Lexus. Extra star for class, I always say.”

 

Anderson Silva On Steroids: ‘I’m Just Bad at Tests’

justbadattests

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Disgraced UFC fighter Anderson Silva has hit back at findings that he used steroids prior to his fight with Nick Diaz. Speaking to Sports Illustrated magazine, he acknowledged the results, which found traces of steroids in his bloodstream, but put it down to being “bad at tests.”

“Even when I was a kid,” the Brazilian fighter reminisced, “they said I was stupid, and I got held back a few years. But everyone who knew me knew that I’m intelligent – even a genius – but I just can’t perform in tests. That’s why I don’t get the right results.”

His grandmother, in a large crowd of family members all speaking over one another, backed him up, saying in broken English, “Do they think a intelligent boy like him would have to be a wrestler if his school gave him benefit of doubt? They all crazy.”

Fans of Silva have jumped on the opportunity to clear their hero’s name, many admitting that they suffer from the same disadvantage.

“I can’t get a job,” slurred Samantha Highbrook. “My tests all come back positive for marijuana. But I’ve never done the pot in my life. The tests are all…crap…what was I saying? Damn, anyone have any Funyuns?”

Silva’s case has been adamantly supported by little Jimmy Jones’ mom Carla, from Florida, who says that her son suffers from the exact same type of discrimination in his elementary school.

“Good grades don’t show who’s clever,” she yelled at her son’s school board. “They show who is most prepared for arbitrary tests! My Jimmy is the smartest in his third grade class, and somehow he’s being held back, while kids like Ricky get perfect grades. So, what – my son is only good enough to grow up to be a UFC fighter, now? Jimmy told me the far too intense environment of a class test causes him to forget everything. Plus, his teacher never explains instructions well enough. It’s simply not fair!”

Other members of the PTA meeting nodded in agreement, while Ricky’s mother shouted that her son deserved the marks he got, and Jimmy was just an entitled, stupid piece of shit.

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