Actor Jake Gyllenhaal To Spend Six Months In Prison Voluntarily To Research For Role As Inmate

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal, known for his extensive research when preparing to portray a character, is at it again. The 34-year-old actor, who rode with third shift LAPD street cops for six months to study for his role in the 2012 drama End of Watch, lost an almost dangerous amount of weight for his role as a frail journalist in the recent sleeper hit Nightcrawler.

Apparently Gyllenhaal has taken method acting to new heights once more, as he has packed on over fifty pounds of muscle for his role as a professional boxer in the movie Southpaw, and has been granted access by warden Connie Gipson to spend six months at the notoriously violent maximum-security California State Prison known as Corcoran for his role in another new film, The Crimson Shadow.

Gyllenhaal is often referred to as one the hardest working actors in Hollywood when it comes to preparing for a role, and according to several filmmakers, he’s extremely involved in becoming his character as much as possible.

“It was Jake’s idea to spend time on the inside as a real inmate. I told him he was crazy and that they would never allow it, nor would we want him to try something so absurd,” said Crimson director Martin Scorsese. “But he went to Corcoran warden Connie Gipson, and somehow convinced her to let him spend six months just as a real prisoner would – no special treatment or anything. That boy is something else.”

Corcoran prison is known for its violent history and for housing one of the most notorious inmates of all time, Charles Manson. According to Scorsese, Gyllenhaal has also been granted the opportunity to have several meetings with Manson.

“I’m serious, Jake is hardcore. He’s going to have meetings with Charles Manson so he can get inside the mind of a killer, a criminal,” said Southpaw director Antoine Fuqua. “He actually went out and filmed car crashes and robberies when he was preparing for his role in Nightcrawler. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if he was having sex with cowboys when he was making Brokeback Mountain, because that’s how goddamn method that guy is.”

Southpaw is scheduled for release in late 2015. Scorsese says that The Crimson Shadow begins filming as soon as Gyllenhaal is ‘released’.

NASA Scientists Admit Moon Landing Was A Hoax

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOUSTON, Texas –

NASA officials today admitted what many conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years, that man never walked on the moon. Chief scientist Alan Anderson said the lunar landing hoax had ‘gone on long enough,’ and that it was becoming ridiculous to keep claiming that men have been to the moon.

”You have to understand, NASA was under a lot of pressure when President Kennedy promised the Nation that he’d put a man on the moon before the Ruskies,” said Space Technology Scientist Alan Anderson. “We told him it was impossible, so he knew it had to be faked.”

“As the story goes he threatened to cut off funding if we didn’t go along with the hoax,” said NASA engineer Rod Sterling. “People are smarter these days, and it’s getting more ridiculous and more difficult to keep the lie going. We’re coming forward today to put an end to the lies and the manipulation of the public, and to put a stop to a planned 2018 hoax Mars mission. NASA does a lot of good things, and our technology advances have helped mankind in many ways. I just don’t want to see us waste our time and your tax dollars. We have real work to do.”

NASA spokesmen said that President Obama had, like all presidents before him, knowledge of the hoax, and was required to keep it a secret by the CIA and the White House.

“In the government, it’s normally extremely hard to keep a secret. Something like this, I can’t believe we’ve been able to keep it going this long,” said Anderson. “I mean, Nixon couldn’t keep a break-in at a hotel under wraps, and Clinton couldn’t keep his affairs out of the media for more than 5 minutes. I honestly can’t believe no one has spilled the beans before now.”

Carbonated Beverages Destroy Ozone Layer, Say Experts

Posted on January 1, 2015 by DvanL

STANFORD, California –

There’s nothing worse than a “flat” soda, but according to experts from California’s Stanford Woods Institute for the Environment, the familiar hiss of a can or bottle when opened translates into increased depletion of the Earth’s protective ozone layer. Holes in the ozone layer mean more exposure to ultraviolet light, which translates into increased risk of sunburn, skin cancer, and heat stroke related injuries.

“Over 2 billion cans and bottles of carbonated beverages are opened worldwide each day, exposing us all to dangerous levels of exposure to ultraviolet light,” says atmospheric expert Dr. Althea Thoone. “It’s fascinating that a simple, everyday act can have such a negative wide-ranging impact; however, small changes in our daily activity will help lessen the danger.”

Thoone’s groundbreaking study is the result of more than five-year’s analysis of university based surveys. The professor chose a university-based population because of the high number of carbonated beverages consumed, as compared against the national average. College and university populations consume carbonated beverages up to seven times greater than the national average.

Besides the environmental hazards, health effects of carbonated beverages – which can contain as much as 12 teaspoons of sugar in a 12-ounce serving – can be measured in increased rates of diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease.

“Obviously fewer cases of heart disease, diabetes and skin cancer mean good news for everyone,” added Thoone. “We must also take into account the negative effects of carbon dioxide released when you burp. Multiply the effects of human digestion by 3 billion, and then apply that to the environment, and you’ve got a huge issue, similar to that of the methane problem we have caused by farting cows.”

Soft drink container recycling also negatively contributes to the thinning of the Earth’s protective layer. Fossil fuels used to transport cans and bottles to recycling plants, not to mention the operation of the plants themselves, produce a domino effect. “If we can reduce our intake of carbonated soft drinks by 10 percent,” says Thoone, “the long range benefits for our planet will be immeasurable, in a good way. Unless we cut back on our consumption, we’re headed for a catastrophe.”

No word yet from soft drink manufacturers who will undoubtedly disagree with reduced soft drink consumption, but for now, you may want keep the sunscreen handy the next time you “pop that top.”

LeBron James Says He Will Retire After Season, Regrets Signing With Cleveland Cavaliers

Posted on January 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

In a stunning developing story, NBA superstar LeBron James said in an interview with Bryant Gumbel this morning that this would be his last year playing basketball because of sore knees, combined with his regret of signing with the Cleveland Cavaliers.

James made the shocking announcement during this mornings taping of Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel. When asked what life after basketball may bring the basketball star, he said he wasn’t sure but would find out soon. Gumbel, with a puzzled looked then asked James what he meant by the statement.

“Well I got this thing with my knees going on, and coming back to Cleveland just isn’t what I thought it would be, so, I’ve decided that maybe this will be my last season,” ‘King’ James said. “I just turned thirty, which is ancient in this sport. I already have a hard time climbing out of bed in the morning. Then last week my son beat me in three straight games of one-on-one. I think it is safe to say you can put a fork in me.”

The Cleveland Cavaliers were expected to instantly be considered NBA title contenders this season, and those expectations are clearly unrealistic given the teams mediocre performance and poor chemistry among players and head coach David Blatt.

“I just should have put more thought into it before I signed, should have maybe spent another year in Miami. I kinda regret signing with Cleveland like I did, but now I’m stuck here,” a disappointed James stated.

James went on to say that he is doing what he said he had promised Cavalier fans. “I said when I signed that I would finish my career where I started, right here in Cleveland. I thought it would last a little longer, but my body just isn’t up to the task anymore to deal with playing for a team that probably will not be a title contender. I love it here, Cleveland is great, ya’ know? But when it’s time, its time. I will finish out the season playing the best I can, and give my fans all over the world the best show I can – but this is it. I am considering going into high school coaching, I’m just not sure yet.”

2-Year-Old Who Shot Mother In Walmart To Be Tried For Crime As An Adult

Posted on January 1, 2015 by skullman

HAYDEN, Idaho –

Police and local investigators say that the 2-year-old toddler that fired a gun in an Idaho Walmart store, killing his mother, will be tried as an adult.

On December 30th, police say that a young mother, who was shopping with her children, was killed when her 2-year-old son reached into her purse, and discharged a small-caliber pistol that she had concealed inside. In what police originally considered a tragic accident, the woman died before paramedics could arrive.

Upon further investigation into the shooting, police have decided to arrest the 2-year-old and charge him with first-degree murder, a capital offense in Idaho.

“We strongly believe that this child knew precisely what he was doing when he reached into his mother’s purse and fired that weapon,” said Deputy Chief Joseph Goldsmith. “At this time we will not being discussing what evidence has mounted to lead us to this decision, as a trial will be pending.”

“It’s just awful that this is happening,” said Shaniqu’a Brooks, an employee at the Walmart who witnessed the events. “I saw the entire thing happen, and after she fell to the floor, her son – well, let me just say that the look on his face scared the Hell out of me.”

“If only the woman had not been carrying a concealed weapon, then this never would have happened,” said liberal talk-radio host Gerry Jones. “Only a damn fool carries a loaded weapon into a store, around children and other customers. Was there no safety on her gun? She was quoted as being a ‘responsible gun owner,’ but did she think that in an Idaho Walmart in the middle of the day she might need to shoot someone? Moreover, had her son ever touched it before? Fired it? Is this his first time killing? There are so many questions that need answers. I just hope that during the trial, we see the truth come out.”

Currently, the toddler is being held in an Idaho maximum security facility without bail, but there is reportedly a wonderful playroom with toys and cartoons. A trial date has not yet been set.

Dying Man Confesses He Was Grassy Knoll Sniper Who Assassinated John F. Kennedy

Posted on January 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana –

Charles Ray Peterson, 81, made a shocking confession to family members yesterday as they had gathered to be by his side during his last hours at River Oaks Hospital in New Orleans. Peterson, a native of New Orleans, told his son, Harold Peterson, that he wanted him to gather the family before he was gone. What he told them has left the entire family in absolute disbelief.

“First he told us that he was in Dallas the day that JFK was assassinated, and that he was there when it happened. It was really odd because he had never ever mentioned that he was there that day to anyone after talking about it all these years,” Harold Peterson said. “He looked up and said, ‘It was me! I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll!”

Ever since President John F. Kennedy was shot to death on November 22, 1963, conspiracy theories have circulated about his death and the circumstances of the assassination. Many believed that Lee Harvey Oswald was set up for the killing, and that based on the trajectory in which President Kennedy was hit, the kill shot could not have come from the seventh floor of the Book Depository located in Dealey Plaza.

Curiously, several witnesses died within just a few short years of the assassination from various ‘untimely accidents,’ such as Lee Bower, who was working directly across from the grassy knoll when the shots were fired. Bower had said in a 1966 television interview that he had seen a flash and a puff of smoke behind a wooden fence just behind the grassy knoll. Just months later, Bowers died in a single car accident.

Harold Peterson said his father confessed to being the man behind the picket fence, and it was he who landed the kill shot, not Oswald.

“He wanted to clear the name of Lee Harvey Oswald. He told us that Oswald was innocent and had been set up because he had owed a lot of money to someone with power. Dad did not mention who else was behind it,” Peterson said. “To be honest, at first we thought he was just talking crazy from the meds he was on, or maybe playing one last joke, because that’s how my dad was, but then when he wept, I knew it was true. My dad killed JFK!”

Charles Ray Peterson passed away peacefully just after sharing the news with his family. He had been hospitalized during his final weeks while suffering from adrenal cancer.

Identity of Malia Obama’s Baby-Daddy Is Leaked – You’ll Never Believe Who The Father Is!

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Angela Baker

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Now just over four months in to her pregnancy, spanks will soon stop concealing Malia’s budding baby bump when she appears in public with her family.

“They got on my case about rolling my eyes at the Turkey pardoning. Truth is, I was super nauseous,” said Malia. “Ever tried to stand in front of thousands of people, with cameras and lights everywhere, and all you want to do is puke? I begged Daddy not to have to go, but appearances are all that matters to anybody around here.”

When asked about the possible paternity of Malia’s baby, White House representatives have no official comment at this time, instead deflecting by saying the Obama’s are having a nice family vacation away from ‘all this nonsense.’

Sources at Malia’s school, though, claim that they are fully aware of who the father is, and they say that it’s not who everyone first suspected.

“At first we all, like, thought she was just lying about the whole thing to get her old boyfriend Conner back. Conner and Malia hardly ever got alone time, ’cause of like, the secret service and paparazzi everywhere and stupid stuff like that, so Conner broke it off,” says Amanda, a 17-year-old ‘frenemy’ of Malia’s. “But that made Malia, like, super pissed and totally jello. So, she made a big deal in the media about how her baby-daddy wasn’t going to pay his child support because he was white. It was so racist. It totally broke Conner’s heart, too. But like, don’t worry about Conner. I’m keeping him, like, totally happy now.”

According to Amy, though, the real father was never Conner at all. “What I heard from another friend at school that is like, super close with Malia is that [Malia] has always had a thing for someone in the royal family,” said Amy. “She totally likes men in power, of course. When you’re, like, rich, or like, the president’s daughter, that probably just happens naturally. Anyway, apparently Malia snuck off with Prince Harry a couple of times when he was visiting the U.S. I think he’s like, totally gotta be the father. Which is like, so gross, because he’s really old. At least when she has the baby, they’re going to have, like, the best nannies that money can buy.”

The Obamas are currently on vacation in Hawaii, and had ‘nothing to say’ on the matter. No members of the Royal Family could be reached for comment.

Eighth Grade Teacher Suspended For Teaching Students Oral Sex Techniques Using Cucumbers

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SEATTLE, Washington –

An eighth grade teacher in Seattle, Washington is under massive scrutiny, and in some cases, praise, after teaching female students how to perform oral sex using cucumbers. Many male students observed, as well as several other teachers from the school.

Michelle Johanson, 28, a health teacher at Jameson Middle School in the North Central Seattle neighborhood of Wallingford, reportedly taught students who volunteered to stay after school how to properly perform oral sex on a male as she demonstrated while using a cucumber. Johanson also provided female students with cucumbers of their own as she demonstrated the act as several male students and teachers, observed the innovative teaching technique.

As can be imagined, several parents were outraged when their daughters came home excitedly to show their parents what they learned at school that day. Rebecca McDougal, whose 13-year-old daughter is a student in Johanson’s class, told The Seattle Observer that her daughter came directly home and showed her what she had learned by grabbing a some vegetables from the refrigerator and practicing.

“I could not believe it, she knew how to do things I never learned to do. Not to mention the size of the cucumber Ms. Johanson gave her – it was certainly bigger than any penis I’ve ever had. Definitely bigger than Becca’s dad. It’s pretty sad when your 13-year-old daughter teaches you how to do what you never could,” McDougal said. “I mean Ms. Johanson should at least show her male students how to perform oral sex on females while she is at it.”

Not all parents were outraged however, such as William Ragsdale, who’s 12-year-old daughter was one of the students Johanson taught the act to. “I think it’s a great thing. Women usually don’t really learn how to do it right until their mid-thirties, at least. That’s what I’ve found from experience, anyway. At least now my little girl will have a head start” Ragsdale said. “I commend Ms. Johanson for her ballsy approach.”

After being reviewed by the Washington State Board of Education, it has been declared that Michelle Johanson will not face any possibility of termination. In fact, by showing initiative, the board is contemplating reviewing its stance on sexual education and considering teaching both female and male students how to properly perform oral sex. Johanson was suspended one week with pay to avoid any unwanted confrontations. She is expected to return to her classroom by next Monday.

Johanson has not come forward to speak with media as of yet, as she was reportedly advised by her teacher’s union representative to keep her mouth plugged for the time being.

President Obama Announces He Will Resign Amid Allegations He Is Leader Of New Black Panther Movement

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a developing story that has landed a bombshell upon newsrooms across the world, President of the United States Barack Obama announced he will resign from office after a disgruntled member of the New Black Panther movement has come forward with proof that the President has been giving direct orders to the group.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest made the shocking announcement just moments ago among a stunned room of journalists and reporters.

“President Barack Obama has decided to resign from office as news has surfaced regarding his alleged involvement with the new Black Panther movement, and being harassed by the American people whenever he wants to go out and have some fun,” Earnest announced. “Sometime tomorrow, Vice President Joseph Biden will assume office as President of the United States of America.”

Late last night, several media outlets released a video tape of Obama speaking at a Black Panther rally in which he made a statement to a large group of members.

“It is time to finish the job and take over what is owed to us. If they want a fight, we will give them a fight,” Obama said. “It is time that freedom has spoken.” The Obama Administration claims the statements were taken out of context, as he was referring to the ongoing feuding with North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, but also stated the President is just tired of being picked on every time he wants to go on vacation.

The President then took to the stand to give his side of the story. “It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to give the American people what they want; Joe Biden in the Oval office. I get blamed for everything. The American people have spoken and have stated that everything bad in their lives is specifically my fault, and I’m sick of it,” the President said. “I’m going to take my ball and go home, I quit. You won’t have me to kick around anymore.”

Members of the Associated Press pressured the president for further comment, but the commander-in-chief refused questions.

“See what you people have done? You’ve run the first black president straight out of office with your jokes and your ridicule,” said vice-president Joe Biden. “Not that I’m complaining. Guess it’s my turn to give it a whirl!”

Play-Doh Set Pulled From Shelves After Child Allegedly Assaulted

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Angela Baker

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Play-Doh is preparing to send thousands of customers replacement “extruder tools” after an onslaught of customer complaints. According to their Facebook page, future sets will include a different tool, although the company did not specifically say what is wrong with the current design.

Many parents are outraged that the Play-Doh Cake Mountain play set was even released, including Cliff Jorgenson of Ogunquit, Maine who says, “You think somewhere along the line, someone would say, this looks a little too much like a huge veiny cock. Let’s find a better design. It isn’t just phallic, it’s a cock.”

Although many were disturbed or amused, at least one family had a much more traumatic experience. A parent, who would like to remain anonymous, said that their daughter was ‘so shaken’ on Christmas morning when she opened her play set and pulled the tool out of the box.

“My daughter loves to bake. We thought she would be so excited when she opened her Play-Doh set on Christmas morning, but she immediately started wailing and became inconsolable. She wouldn’t tell us what was wrong, and we didn’t see the play set pieces at first” said the mother, whose daughter is 7. “Later we found the frosting tool in the trash, and my husband and I were shocked at the resemblance. It looked just like a giant wang. When we asked our daughter about it, she became hysterical again, and we knew something was wrong. A child psychiatrist eventually got her to describe a previous molestation episode, and the shape and orientation of the toy gave her PTSD flashbacks.”

Other details about the case are being kept confidential, as police investigate the alleged assault.

The girl’s father says they are not planning to sue. “It’s not [Play-Doh’s] fault people necessarily. People are sick. I do wish that they’d put a little bit of thought into the design of their product before releasing it though. We’re just happy that we found out when we did, because I also was able to quickly throw out our VHS copy of The Little Mermaid and hide her Mr. Bucket game, because his balls pop out of his mouth. Now on to kill the bastard who hurt my little girl!”