Ferguson Protestors Blocking Streets Cause Death Of Young Child

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FERGUSON, Missouri –

A young boy has died today because Ferguson protestors were blocking streets around the city, causing an ambulance to be stuck behind several miles of traffic. Joey Goldsmith, 5, needed an emergency appendectomy, and was being transported from his home to the hospital via ambulance.

“All these stupid people, they were out in the streets, wasting their time ‘protesting’ while my son died in the back of an ambulance,” said Maria Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “If we could have gotten to the hospital, he would have been fine. Thousands of idiots out there, thinking they were changing a damn thing, and now I’ve lost my entire world.”

Throughout the entire country, protests based around the Michael Brown ruling have been popping up, with several arrests even being made in Boston, as well as New York during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. While the looting and riots in Ferguson have died down, the more “peaceful protests” are still going strong, but even those have been causing serious headaches throughout the city.

“I couldn’t get to work this morning because some group of do-gooders were out with their signs and megaphones, screaming and hollering. It wasn’t violent, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t hold up traffic. I was almost 2 hours late for work,” said Regina Myles, a nurse at a local hospital. “Look – it doesn’t matter which side of this cop shooting you fall on, lives are being interrupted by your ignorance. Get out of the damn streets, and do something worthwhile.”

“Well, not that anyone really cares how I feel at this point in time, but I was definitely annoyed at the amount of traffic there was,” said Officer Dylan Charles, of the Ferguson Police Department. “I mean, I’m certainly not going to say anything to these people directly, God knows what kind of shitstorm that could fire off. But really, calm down. Your protests are just dumb, and people need to be able to travel through the city without being held up. I mean for Christ’s sake, if I wanted to deal with fruitless protesting, I’d go to the Gaza Strip.”

Ferguson police say they are trying to work with the National Guard to keep protestors safe, and also keep traffic moving freely, so as not to kill anymore children or inconvenience anyone further.

Sony Pictures Admits Hacking, Film ‘Leaks’ Were Marketing Stunt

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The internet has been abuzz the last several days as news of Sony Pictures’ servers being hacked, reportedly by North Koreans, hit the circuit, with Sony representatives stating that they had been locked out of many of their own computers and social media accounts, as well as several major motion pictures being stolen and distributed through online resources.

As it turns out, though, a Sony Pictures employee accidentally spilled the beans, when he let it slip to a reporter that the ‘hacking’ was all staged, and that the films that were released to the internet, including the remake of Annie and the bio-pic To Write Love on Her Arms, were expected to be ‘giant pieces of shit’ that ‘no one would ever pay to see anyway.’

“The movies that were leaked, with the exception of the Brad Pitt movie Fury, are all movies no one has any interest in seeing anyway,” said the unnamed source. “Oh boy, a remake of Annie, a classic that everyone was sick of decades ago, with an ‘urban’ cast. Wow. The To Write Love on Her Arms movie – hell, I work at the studio, and even I don’t know what that is. Another Kat Dennings flick. Again, truly underwhelmed. That’s why the studio let these movies end up online.”

The source says that Sony executives hatched the scheme to hire a group of hackers to ‘infiltrate’ their systems and lock everyone out – that way even most people who work for them wouldn’t know it was just a ruse to drum up excitement for their films.

“I only found out because I overheard some studio heads talking. ‘My God, I can’t believe we’re actually giving away these movies!’ they were saying. With the holidays coming up, and Annie coming out nationwide, I think they wanted people to go see it. It’s weird how it works – if people think that something is worth stealing, then they’ll actually pay for it. Capitalism!”

Sony Executives could not be reached for comment.

Sarah Palin Announces 2016 Run for Presidency

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASILLA, Alaska –

Tea party darling and liberal punching bag Sarah Palin announced her plans to run for President in 2016. While Palin may be the first big name to throw her hat into the ring, it’s possible that she will have some stiff competition in the primaries, with possible candidates including, Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, and Rand Paul.

”We already know who the Dems are planning to run, her royal highness of the liberal left, the ‘it’s my turn,’ Miss Hillary Clinton,” said Palin outside the Wasilla post office which also serves as the area meeting place, town hall, police station, fire station, and gas station. “2016 is not going to be a dogfight, it’s going to be a cat fight! It’s going to take a woman to beat a woman, and I’m your gal!”

Palin says that she isn’t sure, yet, which platform to run on, because she’s not even sure which issues really matter to anyone. The only thing she could say for certain is that she really wanted to start drilling into that local pipeline.

“All I can say is that we Palins know how to fight! What was true in 2008 is still true today, because Obama has done nothing. The key to financial independence, to fixing this economy, to creating jobs, to keeping us out of wars in the Middle East, to energy independence is ‘Drill Baby Drill!’ And Who do you trust to get the drilling done? Who do want to drill? Me or Hillary? I’m here to say trust me, and drill me! A new pipeline will bring oil to the refineries and create jobs. Who wants a job? Who wants to lay the pipe? Who would you rather lay the pipe for? Some dried up old bag, or would rather lay the pipe for me?! I want so much oil for this country, that when I look down at that long pipe, I get blasted in the face. I dream every night that I’m covered in oil while hard-working American men are drilling and laying pipe. That’s my dream for America, That’s why I want to be your next President!”

“She definitely created some excitement out there,” said Peter Push, Palin’s campaign manager. “I never saw anything like it. When Sarah finished, out of respect the men just sat there with their hats in their laps and waited a good five minutes before standing up. If it comes down to Palin vs. Clinton, I know who the men will be lining up behind.”

Mailman Arrested After 3 Tons of Undelivered Mail Found in His Backyard

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LITTLE CREEK, Pennsylvania –

A letter carrier from the small town of Little Creek in Pennsylvania must have never heard the old Post Office motto ‘Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom…’, as Postal Worked Dwight Davidson was arrested yesterday after over 6000 pounds of undelivered mail was found in his backyard.

“It’s a lot of pressure being a mailman, the mail never stops,” said Davidson from his holding sell at a Pennsylvania federal prison. “Since the coal mine closed last year, just about everybody in town is out of work and all they do now is wait by their mailboxes for their checks – unemployment checks, welfare checks, and any other checks you can get from the government. They all made the same joke when I gave them their mail; ‘Keep the bills,’ they’d say. Well, I decided to give them what they wanted, and stopped delivering bills.”

Davidson says that once he stopped bringing bills to the people on his delivery route, they were nicer to him, and it was an extreme load off his mind, as well as his body.

“Once I started dumping junk mail and bills in my backyard, my job got easier. What use to take 8 hours to deliver every day now took just about 45 minutes. People got their checks, and I got a lot of free time – seemed like a win-win. Well, as it turns out, after about a month of not getting any mail, some people complained. The sheriff and the Postmaster found the mail in my backyard, and I got arrested and suspended – with pay, thanks to the union, so now when I get out of prison in 6 months, I’ll get to sit home and do nothing and wait by the mailbox for a check. They had it right all along! It’s a great plan!”

Facebook Submits Names Of Users Posing In Pictures With Guns To Homeland Security

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Abe Abrams

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed rumors this morning that the company would be handing over names and photos of site users who have posted pictures of themselves with guns to the government. Democrat leaders applauded Facebook’s move, stating that it is important to know who has guns in America, especially since many of the weapons that they’d seen could very well be unregistered.

Despite the excitement from the radical left, many Facebook users, regardless of political stance, were naturally outraged that their ‘private’ photos would be handed over to the Department of Homeland Security.

”I don’t understand what the big deal is, I mean it’s right there in the user agreement. Line 27 , page 134 of the policy that all users agree to when signing up. The subject clearly states ‘Any and all user information will be shared with Homeland Security upon request from the department.’ It’s right there in black and white. Or blue and white, as the case may be.”

When asked why Facebook would be so willing to work with the government, Zuckerberg said that he was just trying to ‘do his patriotic duty.’

“I added that line back in after 2009, when Obama took office. After he was elected, he came to me and asked for my help, saying that he wanted to ‘transform America,’ and he couldn’t do that until the country was disarmed,” said Zuckerberg. “This is a perfect way to find the gun nuts in this country, and keep a watch over them. I think the whole thing has been a huge success, and I for one can’t wait to live in a gun-free America.”

Many people have already been informed, via registered mail from the government, that they are now ‘under watch’ by the agency, and that they had been flagged as ‘gun nuts’ on Facebook. Several notable website users, including Texas cheerleader Kendall Jones, who became national news after pictures of her big game hunts were posted to her Facebook page, have already been reported as well.

“Yes, we closely work with Facebook,” said Homeland Security Director Brian Belmonte, confirming their partnership. “All we do is ask for the data, and then Facebook hands it over. We collect intel from many sources, but it’s just compiled data, there’s no need to worry. Feel free to go on with your lives, posting your pictures and every thought you have onto the internet. There’s nothing to worry about here.”

“It’s right from the socialism 101 handbook,” said senator Ted Cruz.”First control the media, then add a heavy progressive tax rate. Those are both done. Next control people’s healthcare – oh look, we’ve got that, too. The last step is to disarm the public so they can’t rebel, which is coming soon. One more Democratic President, and the stars on our flag will be replaced with a hammer and sickle. That’s why in my campaign for president, my slogan is ‘less taxes, more guns!'”

kendal — Texas Cheerleader and famous Big Game Hunter, Kendall Jones, 19, has already had all of her photos reported to Homeland Security

Christian Groups Outraged By New ‘Star Wars’ Trailer, Plan National Boycott Upon Release

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Christian groups and religious families have been publicly shunning the new Star Wars movie, and it doesn’t even hit theatres for over a year. Many devout, religious people are complaining that a single, quick image from the trailer is proof that the movie’s director, J.J. Abrams, as well franchise owners Disney, are out to promote the worship of Satan.

“It’s disgusting, truly an outrage,” said Peggy Lewis, a member of the group Christians Against Everything. “Did you see the filth they’re portraying in that commercial? It’s bad enough that they’re enticing kids with ‘the dark side’ and violence, but one of the characters in the movie is carrying an inverted cross as a weapon. And it’s a fiery red! The movie promotes Hell and Satan!”

In the film’s trailer, a Sith is seen carrying a lightsaber, the popular weapon of choice for the Jedi characters as well as their rivals, with “spokes” that come out of either side of the handle.

“I mean come on,” said Richard Sweat, co-founder of the religious group Christians United, Never Torn, an extremely religious group of parents who help to promote Jesus and the gospel through family film and music. “It’s clearly Satanic imagery. As it is, lightsabers were always extremely phallic, and as we all know anything long and phallic is automatically gay. Now the lightsabers are gay and anti-God! There will be a massive boycott of this film from every good Christian in American when it comes out.”

“I have no idea what the big deal is,” said Abrams, director of blockbuster films such as Star Trek and Super 8. “Disney isn’t really known for being anti-Christian, and there’s no way that they’d allow that sort of imagery into the movie. Perhaps people should wait and see [the movie] before they make judgements on whether it’s good, bad, Satanic, gay, or whatever. Yes, we’ve got new characters, and yes they have new weapons. Yes, we’ve got a black storm trooper. My God, everyone – it was a teaser trailer. Just wait and see what happens!”

Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens is scheduled for release in December, 2015.

Best Buy CEO Says Black Friday Sales Went Well, ‘Only 47 Deaths This Year’

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHFIELD, Minnesota –

Best Buy CEO Hubert Joly spoke to the press this morning about the company’s huge Black Friday numbers, and how 2014 turned out to be one of the best the company has seen in years.

“We had so many great deals this year,” said Joly, beginning his speech. “We had sales on all the hottest electronics, and we even had a 50″ TV with a better price than Wal-Mart had. It was just a wonderful day, and we are very thankful that our over 140,000 employees generously gave up their Thanksgiving holiday with families to come to work and shill for our items.”

Joly said that throughout the company’s almost 1200 stores, they were able to get almost everyone the product they were looking for, and at an unbeatable price.

“Thankfully, we had a pretty full warehouse leading into this season,” said Joly. “We had almost enough TVs, computers, and iPads for everyone. We only had 47 deaths this year, which is down from the 60-plus we’ve seen in previous years. All these people, all those crowds, all the trampling and fisticuffs, things are bound to happen sometimes.”

Generally speaking, there are fights, violence, and crowds so large that people are trampled, and often injured or killed, every year during Black Friday sales events. Joly says that it’s just ‘part of doing business,’ and one of the things that makes Black Friday exciting for the customers is the fact that they could not make it home.

“Places like Wal-Mart, they do a one-hour guarantee now, so you can be first in line or 2,000th in line, but if you’re there in the first hour, you’ll be getting your product. Maybe not right away, but you’ll get it at the sale price, and they’ll ship it,” said Joly. “We’re big, but we’re not Wal-Mart big, so stores like us, Target, K-Mart, Sears – we get to police our customers on our own. Just like the real police, though, we can’t always control the riots that ensue.”

Joly said that next year, they’re shooting to only have 20-30 deaths, and by 2020, they should be down to less than five.

“I don’t see it ever reaching zero deaths. I mean, even if the customers all behaved rationally and like normal people, we still expect at least 2 or 3 employees to die off from overwork,” said Joly. “Not that I ever have done it myself, but I imagine those 15-20 hour Black Friday shifts are horrible!”

Pope Francis Stepping Down, Says ‘There is no God’

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Abe Abrams

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

Pope Francis shocked the Catholic world today announcing that he plans on stepping down from his position. Papal Resignation is extremely rare, and this will only be the 7th time in the history of the church. Pope Francis made his announcement from his balcony in Vatican City to thousand of shocked spectators.

“I have come to the conclusion there is no God,” said Pope Francis, a man who has become known for his unorthodox views on the Catholic church. “I have dedicated my life to the church. Clearly, so many wasted years of unanswered prayers. I can no longer in good faith head the church anymore, as whatever spirit that had filled my heart is gone.”

A shocked crowd of onlookers became extremely quiet as the Pontiff continued, many of whom openly wept.

“I will stay on long enough for another Pope to be chosen, of course. I know many of you will be upset, but please be happy for me and my new life. I plan on spending my remaining years traveling, maybe finding a good woman and settling down. Hell, maybe even a good man. Who knows? It’s a new day, and I solemnly believe that everyone should choose to live their life the way they want. I wish you all the best and don’t let my decision stop you from believing in an imaginary God, if that’s what you want to do.”

”Pope Francis’ decision comes as no surprise to Vatican insiders, his hard-line stance on altar boy molestation, his generosity to the poor, and his blessing of gay marriage have made unpopular among priests of the church,” says Vatican reporter Francesco Rinaldi. “Some say the Pope was being blackmailed to step down by Church officials. Whatever the reason, most look forward to his departure so the Church can get back to business as usual – hating gays and bashing sinners.”

Man Plans Lawsuit Against Hooters, Claims Unequal Hiring and Employment Practices

Posted on November 28, 2014 by DvanL

MELROSE, Massachusetts –

George Emerson suffers from gynecomastia, a condition marked by the swelling of breast tissue in males. Thousands develop the condition, usually during puberty and as a result of hormonal imbalances. Many men opt for surgery to remove the excess tissue, but unlike other men diagnosed with the ailment, Emerson instead decided to keep his breasts and capitalize on them.

“I don’t want any invasive surgery,” he said, “and I was tired of hiding and binding my chest. One day I decided to put down the ace bandage, and slip into a loose-fitting shirt. I felt free for the first time in my life.”

Emerson’s new freedom gave him a sense of confidence he had never before possessed. One day, while driving through the nearby town of Saugus, Emerson decided to test the limits of his empowerment. He marched into the local Hooters and asked if they’d consider hiring him as part of the wait staff. “I met the physical requirements of the job and I guess I was feeling a little bit daring,” he said. “Plus, I have years of server experience from back in high school and college.”

Emerson’s measurements were the equivalent of a women’s 34C. “They thought I was trying to prank them – like I was wearing a padded bra or something, so then I took off my shirt and ‘boom boom,’ there I was, or there they were I guess. That’s when they called the manager.”

Dick Rodman, manager of the Hooters, spoke with Emerson and explained that it wasn’t part of the corporate business model to hire males, as the trademark for Hooters is built right in with their name and logo, and is pretty self-explanatory.

“I said for them not to consider me was a form of discrimination, and a violation of equal hiring practices. The manager wasn’t convinced,” said Emerson. “He told me he didn’t want his restaurant to turn into some kind of freak show attraction, and that’s when I decided to hire a lawyer.”

Nancy Grace has booked Emerson for an upcoming appearance on HLN Network, and celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred has been contacted by Emerson for possible legal representation.

“This isn’t about me,” said Emerson. “It’s about the thousands of men who suffer with the stigma of gynecomastia. We’ve had to hide our shame under tight, restrictive garments and bulky layers of clothing. Instead of standing tall, we’ve lived in our own shadows of embarrassment. If I can convince just one full-figured guy to stand tall, chin held high and chest thrust forward, then my double-barreled efforts will not be in vain.”

Emerson’s case will begin mid-December, and he has decided to represent himself in court. Legal experts say that an out-of-court settlement amenable to both parties will most likely be reached.

Woman Gives Birth During Black Friday Sale; Leaves Baby, Buys Big Screen TV

Posted on November 28, 2014 by DvanL

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin –

A Milwaukee woman is making headlines across the country this morning as it is being reported that phone-center supervisor Tiffany Briggs, 19, gave birth at her local Wal-Mart during the Black Friday midnight sale, and the left her baby in a bathroom sink.

Briggs was on break from her overnight shift at the nearby call center, and stopped by the Wal-Mart supercenter to get a new 50″ TV that was rolled-back to the low, low price of $218. Briggs said that she was racing through the store to beat the other customers to the deal, when she felt a sudden pain in her lower back. The next events were straight out of an episode of the TLC Series I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

“I didn’t know I was pregnant,” said Briggs. “I went up to the cash lanes with my TV and got this massive pain down in my vajayjay area, and asked my friend Tyler, who works at the store, to watch my TV so I could use the bathroom, ’cause it was an emergency. I knew if I just left the TV, some asshole would come and snatch the cart right away, ’cause there weren’t that many available. Anyway, I ran through the crowd and when I got to the stall, the next thing I knew a little tiny baby girl popped right out and I was all ‘Wait, what?!’ I didn’t feel any pain after the first part, but damn it was a mess down there.”

After cleaning up, Briggs texted her best friend Mallory and told her what happened. “I didn’t know what to do and I was so scared so she [Mallory] Googled what to do when you have a baby without no doctor. She told me what the internet said, and I tied the cord with one of my hair extensions and washed her up in the sink with some antibacterial soap and paper towels.”

Mallory first suggested that Briggs call child protective services and report a ‘lost-and-found’ baby. “I definitely can’t afford a baby and I knew my mom would probably kick me out of the house if she found out, but then Mallory said she would call an ambulance and told me get out of there real quick and pretend nothing happened.”

Tiffany went back to the front lanes, paid for her TV and left, just as an ambulance arrived. 15 minutes later, police showed up at her workplace and placed Tiffany under arrest, charging her with child abandonment and neglect.

“It’s not my fault,” said Tiffany during an interview from Milwaukee County Jail. “I didn’t know I was pregnant and how could they prove if the baby was mine anyway? You have to get some DNA to prove it, and I didn’t even have any.”

Briggs faces up to 5 years in jail. The newborn has been taken in by CPS.