Teen Drowns While Stuck Inside Condom After Performing Internet Challenge

Posted on November 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A 17-year-old teen was reportedly killed performing yet another stupid internet stunt, this one involving condoms filled with water. The “condom challenge,” designed, apparently, to prove that no guy is actually “too big” to wear a condom, involved filling a condom with an excessive amount of water, and then dropping it onto a participant’s head.

“Jessica Moore and her friend, Theresa Jones, were reportedly filming themselves performing the ‘condom challenge,’ and Jessica was killed in the processes, drowning when the condom filled with liquid got stuck around her head,” said police chief Larry Whittum. “This is a stupid and dangerous challenge that has no real merit. Everyone knows that condoms can fit any size penis, and filling a rubber with water and dropping it on someone’s head is not going to bring awareness to anything.”

Police caution that the Condom Challenge can lead to serious injury or, as is the case with poor Jessica Moore, death.

“We strongly advise teens to not perform this challenge, and to certainly not record it and post it online,” said Whittum. “You’re just going to continue to breed other stupid challenges performed by other stupid people like yourselves.”

A sample video of the Condom Challenge. Luckily, this girl survived with only a soaked shirt. Not all will be so lucky. Video contains coarse language.

Woman Arrested After Bludgeoning Boyfriend To Death With Game Controller; ‘He Chose Fallout 4 Over Me’

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Lakeesha Wallace, 26, was arrested yesterday after reportedly bludgeoning her boyfriend, Jamal Jones, 27, to death with a Playstation 4 contoller. The couple allegedly argued because Wallace said that Jones was spending “too much time” playing the new video game Fallout 4, and was ignoring her.

“That sonofabitch was playing that game non-stop since it dropped. All day, all night, that mothafucka ain’t done shit around the house,” said Wallace. “I gots me some needs too, and if a brother ain’t about to put down the controller and feast on what I got to offer, then a mothafucka don’t need to be breathing no more.”

Police say that Wallace has been extremely vocal about killing Jones since the second they arrested her.

“She has bragged, multiple times now, that she is, in fact, the one who stabbed Jamal Jones, her boyfriend, to death,” said Police Chief Larry Wiggin. “There is no question to the motives or the crime, as Ms. Wallace has, frankly, refused to stop talking since we brought her in.”

“I tell ya’ll another thing – ya’ll better not even think about giving me no death penalty,” said Wallace to investigators. “I think I done enough time not having my pooney touched in the last 2 weeks thanks to some stupid shooting game. Don’t you think I got enough bullshit on my mind that I don’t need to be dealing with no electric chair? Shit, ya’ll mothafuckas need Jesus if you think I ain’t a strong-ass woman, ain’t afraid of shit.”

Coincidentally, Wallace faces the death penalty in the state of California for her crime.

Internet Meme ‘Fat Emo Kid’ Dies After Choking On Carrot

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DES MOINES, Iowa –

The Fat Emo Kid meme is one of the internet’s oldest, the picture often accompanied by the phrase, “when the world gets you down, eat it.” The boy in the picture, Mike Jones, was 16 when the image was taken and posted to internet forum Reddit, and it reportedly caused him so much grief, he went on a diet and lost over 200 pounds.

“Mike was a great kid, and he was just going through a phase of wearing make-up, throwing up gang signs, eating too much food,” said his mother, Marie. “I think all kids go through that at some point in their life. Anyway, after that picture went viral, it destroyed him, so he did something about it. He lost 211 pounds, and became extremely health conscience. Unfortunately, it was the healthy foods that killed him.”

According to Marie Jones, her son died last week after he choked on a baby carrot that was in a salad he was having for lunch.

“Mikey loved his carrots. He would eat anything, to be sure, but he did it in moderation after that picture made him internet famous,” said Marie. “I’m glad now, though, that Mikey is in heaven, where he can be fat again and eat all the cake and there will be no one to make fun of him. God wouldn’t allow it. Mikey certainly had an appetite for life, God rest his soul.”

Mike Jones would have been 23 on December 5th.

Girl Bitten By Octopus While Snorkeling Hospitalized After Tongue Grows ‘Suckers’

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

A young girl who was snorkeling off the coast of California last week says she was bitten by an octopus, and since then has grown tiny octopus suckers all over her tongue and other soft tissue.

“It actually started on my vagina, I noticed I was getting little octopus suckers,” said Jessica Smith, 20. “I could live with it, to be honest, but I went to the hospital the second they started growing on my tongue. It was keeping me from being able to speak properly.”

Doctors say that it was the first case of an octopus attack of any nature leading to the attackee actually turning into an octopus themselves.

“Ms. Smith is very luck she came in when she did,” said Dr. Martin Groves. ” I am not 100% sure how long this would go on for, as it was a very serious infection that seemed to effect all the soft tissue in her body. Her vagina, tongue, throat, and even parts of her anus were growing octopus suckers. It is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like it, thank God.”

Doctors were able to treat the infection, but removal of the suckers that had already grown had to be done with laser surgery.

“We worked in very delicate areas to remove the suckers,” said Dr. Groves. “We estimate that we were able to safely remove about 98% of the suckers with no visible pieces remaining. There are some that we could not get due to the safety of Ms. Smith.”

“Honestly, I really don’t care about the suckers that they left behind,” said Smith. “It was a couple inside my butt, and frankly, if you’re going to have octopus suckers on your body, the ass isn’t the worst place, right? It was super hard to get a picture of it for Instagram, though.”

Boy Finds Rare Stone In Backyard; Estimated To Be Worth $10M

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ASTONIA, California –

A boy who was playing in his sandbox in the backyard of the family home has just made a discovery of a lifetime. Alan Rodriguez, 5, was digging through the sand when he happened upon one of the world’s rarest gems, a small piece of Tornimite. The stone is estimated by geologists to be worth well over $10 million dollars.

“Tornimite is one of the most rare, and most collected stones on earth,” said geologist Mike Hardin. “Think of it this way – diamonds are precious, but not at all rare, yet sell for hundreds or even thousands. Tornimite is approximately 10,000 times more rare than a diamond. It’s what a diamond would buy if if was out shopping for an engagement ring.”

The stone, which measures little more than a 1/3 of an inch across, was almost initially discarded by the Rodriguez family, but on a whim Maria Rodriguez, Alan’s mother, looked it up on Google.

“I was astounded! It couldn’t be Tornomite, could it?” Maria said she had never previously heard of the stone, but that her research led her to believe that it was, indeed, an extremely rare find.

The Rodriguez family have entrusted the stone to a local bank, or have it stored away in their vault. An auction for the stone is being set up for December; experts say it could fetch as high as $15 million in an auction setting.

Microsoft Releases XBox Controller That Doubles As Marijuana Pipe

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a bold move by Microsoft, the company has begun shipping controllers that double as pot smoking pipes, or bowls, for their XBox 360 and XBox One consoles.

“This is a fucking game changer,” said Joe Goldsmith, avid video game player and pothead. “I mean shit, before I had to pause my game, put down the controller, then pick up my bowl, smoke it, and then put it down, pick up the controller…it was a processes. This is a much better idea.”

Microsoft said that the design came after many people complained that they had a hard time smoking weed, playing video games, and eating munchies all at once.

“We know that, for the most part, gamers – especially XBox gamers – are potheads, and we just wanted to do something to give a little back,” said Microsoft spokesman Jim Dugan. “We’re really glad to be able to launch a product like this, that will be so helpful to so many gamers and pot smokers.”

The controller will retail for $42.00, several dollars less than the current controller, but what Microsoft says is a “way more amusing” price point.

Syrian Refugees Announce They No Longer Want To Come To United States

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After hearing nothing but shit being spoken of them over the last several weeks, mostly be Republican puppets who do not understand world issues, the Syrian refugees seeking asylum have announced that they no longer wish to seek safety inside the United States.

“With all the crap that Republicans have said about us, with all the stupid things people like Donald Trump have mouthed off about, we have decided that we will no longer be looking to seek asylum in the United States,” said a spokesman for the group of refugees. “We do not want to be put into camps. We do not want to have to wear stupid symbols designating us as Christian or Muslims. None of that matters. None of that should matter. We just want to be safe, and we are beginning to realize that we’d be less safe in America than we would be staying in Syria.”

“I for one am glad them damn Moose-lums don’t wanna come to here no more,” said Texan Joey Goldsmith. “Them damn foreigners already be coming here, taking jobs, taking government handouts, and we can’t even fix our own damn problems. We got homeless vets on the streets for shit’s sake, and now you want to take in some Serbians or whatever? Goddamn Obama been the worst thing to happen to this country since World War 1.”

When reminded that there was also a World War 2 that greatly affected this country, Goldsmith admitted that he wasn’t aware of it.

“Shit, World War 1, 2, I don’t give a shit,” said Goldsmith. “Just keep them damn towel-heads out my damn country. If they come to Texas, I’ll shoot ’em on sight.”

Jared Fogle Verdict Overturned On Appeal; Former Pitchman To Get Death Sentence In Child Molestation Case

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Jared Fogle, the former Subway pitchman who was accused and now convicted of having sex with children, has reportedly received the death sentence for his crimes.

“He was originally only going to get 15 years in prison, with another 10 years of probation afterwards,” said Joe Goldsmith, Esq., a lawyer arguing for the prosecution. “We felt that was not enough. Everyone knows that old saying, ’15 will get you 20?’ Well in this case, 15 only got him 15, and we didn’t feel that was harsh enough. On appeal, we won the verdict we were seeking.”

After a new court hearing, Goldsmith says that they were able to secure a harsher verdict, and that Fogle will now face the death penalty.

“It’s probably, possibly, just a little more harsh that you’d think it should be, because the punishment is supposed to fit the crime, but hell – we got people in jail for life with no parole for smoking weed, and that’s some serious punishment-not-fitting-the-crime bullshit right there,” said Goldsmith. “If those people can get screwed like that then, hey, no reason we can’t screw Fogle, right? Not that he hasn’t been screwed enough by those poor children.”

Lawyers for Fogle are appealing the new verdict.

FDA Lifts Ban on Cat, Dog Meat; Agency Will Allow Use In Restaurants, Home Cooking

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Food and Drug Administration in Washington, D.C. has reportedly lifted an age-old ban on cat and dog meat that kept restaurants from using the ingredient in their dishes. The move comes after a petition signed by over 2 million people on change.org that pleaded with the agency to reduce its hold over delicious pet meats.

“I am so excited to hear that the FDA has lifted the ban on cat meats, as it is a delicacy, and it is delicious,” said 4th-generation Chinese restaurant owner Chow “Joseph” Han. “Those of us who have been eating and serving cat secretly for many years are breathing a massive sigh of relief in no longer having to hide our ingredients.”

According to Han, this also means that the meat that they will use will come from cleaner, safer animals.

“Because the FDA was not allowing us the use of certain meats, namely those of cats and dogs, we would have to catch strays to make sure that people didn’t know where the food came from,” said Han. “Oftentimes, those strays were mangey or dirty, and may have had rabies. Now, with the lifted ban, we can control the food, and the meat will come from clean, regulated animals.”

Cat and dog meats, which are commonly consumed in other countries, had been banned in the United States since 1904.

Woman Arrested Trying To Smuggle Turkey Out of Kroger’s In Her Vagina

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Shaquita Jones, 30, was arrested late Friday evening after attempting to steal a Thanksgiving turkey for her family’s dinner by smuggling the bird out of the store inside her vagina.

“We saw her through the store’s security camera,” said Kroger manager Joe Goldsmith. “She picked up an average-sized bird, pulled up her skirt, and proceeded to shove and heave until it was lodged inside of her. To be honest, we were laughing so hard, we didn’t even considering trying to stop her.”

Goldsmith says they did stop her, though, as she tried to leave the building.

“She claimed that she was being harassed by the ‘white man,’ because she was black, and that she didn’t have ‘no turkey stuffed in her vajay,'” said Goldsmith. “Police were called immediately.”

Once in custody, Jones reportedly came clean, and said that she just wanted to provide a good meal, for once, for her family.

“Normally, the chillins, they get them Kid Cuisine micro-meals, and me and whichever guy I’m with that week, we eat leftovers from the night before. Often, it’s just beans or whatever,” said Jones. “I wanted to have a damn turkey, but who the hell can afford them birds? I see ’em on the street all the time, just wild ones, but you ever try to catch a wild turkey? Them sonsabitches are fast.”

Goldsmith says that the store will not be pressing charges against Jones, but she will be banned from the store. Cincinnati police returned the stolen turkey to the Kroger store, and Goldsmith has said it was wiped down and placed back on the shelf.

“We just want to make sure everyone – that is, everyone who can afford it – gets a turkey this holiday,” said Goldsmith.