Online Comments Spark Feud Between Sam Smith, Pantera

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Comments written by fans on YouTube have stirred up an unlikely feud between singer-songwriter Sam Smith and heavy metal band Pantera. The conflict started when commenter biebersuckscock wrote in the comments of Stay With Me, “all u ppl who lik dis shit dont no wat reel music is pantera kills sam smith!!!1”

Smith fan manginamonologue responded on Pantera’s classic Revolution is my Name, “Do you term this racket music? I call it unidentifiable, expletive-laden filth, that holds no status among momentous artists of Sam’s ilk.”

Fans of both artists then entered unrelentingly into the online furor, eventually leading to Sam Smith himself speaking out.

“Pantera can suck my dick!” shouted Smith, under layers of black make-up at a recent concert. “Who gives a f*** about them anymore? They’s nobodies. All hail the devil of the music underground, Sam Smith!”

Pantera uploaded a video in response, including all three remaining members of the now defunct band standing solemnly with their arms around each other.

“We’re all quite devastated with Sam’s unfair attack on us,” drummer Vinnie Paul says in the understated recording. “We’ve all been fans of his since he was still an amateur singing on YouTube, and we’ve even been experimenting as a Sam Smith cover band – we need to make money somehow.”

Lead vocalist Phil Anselmo then states, “All we want is an apology. This fighting has hurt us to the core, and we are sure it is just a misunderstanding. We know that Sammy is mature enough to acknowledge the unintended pain caused by his actions, and we can all put this behind us.”

Smith has been quoted, unofficially, as saying, “Oh my God, they’re such pussies. ‘Ooooh, we’re so sad, he hurt our feeeelings.’ They must just wash the sand out of their vaginas and go back to jacking each other off in parking lots.”

Judge Judy Has Five-Year-Old Girl Arrested On Contempt Charges During Court Session

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

HOLLYWOOD, California –

During the filming of the reality television court show Judge Judy, Judge Judith Sheindlin, also known as ‘Judge Judy’, had five-year-old Shaquiteeza Jones arrested for Contempt of Court after the girl yelled out “You’re not the boss of me!” when Sheindlin told the girl to stop crying.

The young child, the daughter of defendant Marquis Jones, who was being featured on the show and taken to the court because his dog, Saddie, got inside the plaintiffs home and ate the family Thanksgiving turkey, began crying loudly after Sheindlin belittled the defendant and told him he had no right to own a pit bull dog, and that he was a terrible and worthless human being who should have his dog and his children taken away.

Mary Louise Henderson, 45, from Sacramento, California was in the audience during the court session and described the awkward turn of events. “It was like nothin’ you ever seen before. That mean ass old bitch just laid into the defendant after she found out the defendant owned a pit bull, which she obviously does not care for,” Henderson said. “Then she just kept telling the poor man how bad a father he was, and he began to weep, then it was like some train-reaction, his daughter started to cry.”

“Judge Judy got real mad and told the defendant to shut his daughter up,” said audience member Jerome Parkins. “When the defendant couldn’t, Judge Judy yelled at the poor little girl. ‘Shut the hell up, this is my court room you don’t cry in my court room!’ she said, then the girl yelled back at the Judge…’You’re not the boss of me!’ and just like that she had the little girl hauled off in handcuffs and arrested. The damndest thing ya ever saw I tell ya! Judy is getting to be a real bitch in her old age. It certainly makes for great TV.”

The girl was released from jail on $500 bail six hours later, and is scheduled to appear in court next month.

Man Files $100,000 Lawsuit Against Friend For Sending Annoying Game Requests On Facebook

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

Are you a victim of constant harassment from friends or family on Facebook who selfishly invite you to play all the ridiculous games, just so they get an extra chance at unlocking some extra ‘thing’ in their own game? Well, 34-year-old Jeremy Lakewood of Columbus, Ohio, has had enough – and he and his lawyer are out to prove a point and send a clear and unmistakable message. Lakewood has reportedly filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a friend who keeps sending him game requests to play Candy Crush.

Lakewood, a painter who lives in a modest one bedroom apartment on the outskirts of downtown Columbus, admits that he does not want to disable apps on the social media network because of a crazed addiction he himself has to the game Trivia Crack, but says his friends should at least show the common courtesy to ask first through a personal message.

“The way I see it, everybody is playing these games on Facebook that have no end, the game can’t be beat, there is no damn ending, there is no winner! At least with Trivia Crack, it’s one-on-one and I can prove I am smarter than whatever friend I am playing against,” Lakewood said.

A frustrated Lakewood called around town in search of a lawyer who would help him “go after” Evan Ransdale, a good friend and former bandmate of his who keeps sending Candy Crush requests. It did not take long. Lakewood has enlisted the help of Bob “The Hammer” Dixon, an up-and-coming lawyer in the Columbus area who shares Lakewood’s frustration.

“I can relate with my client; I too am sick of getting all these game requests just because I play Words With Friends. We intend to win and make a difference,” said Dixon. “My client has consistently been a good friend to Mr. Ransdale, and he stabbed him in the back with harassment of game requests. This must and will end!”

A call for comment from Ransdale was not immediately returned.

Woman Claims Ghost Of Abraham Lincoln Wants Her To Kill Justin Bieber, Other Celebs

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Louise Ballinger, a 49-year-old single woman who lives in an apartment in the building next door to The Peterson House, best known as the place President Abraham Lincoln was taken on April 15, 1865 and later died in after being shot at Ford’s Theatre just across the street, says that she is haunted every single night by the ghost of Lincoln, and that he tells her to do awful things.

“I consider myself a medium, and I choose to stay in touch with the deceased, which is why I moved as close as possible to the Peterson House in hopes of making contact with Abraham Lincoln,” Ballinger told Rochelle Pappas, a reporter from the Washington Daily Times. “Low and behold, I made contact with him and he began speaking to me every single night just before I go to sleep. But things took a terrifying turn when he started telling to kill various celebrities.”

It seems that good ole President Lincoln has beef with Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. “The thing I hear more than anything is ‘Kill Justin Bieber, kill him dead. The Beebs must go.'” Ballinger insisted. “Every now and then, he will name other celebs like Kim Kardashian and Nancy Grace. He really can’t stand Nancy Grace! Then again, who can?” the self proclaimed paranormal translation expert said.

Ballinger’s friends, family, and neighbors all believe she has gone mad, all except her 26-year-old son Patrick.

“People say my mom is crazy, yo but for real check it …I’ve seen old dude creepin’ up the hall in the middle of the night, ya know what I’m sayin? It ain’t no reflection or some whacked out shit like that, ya know what I mean? Shit’s for real, my dawg. Believe that,” he said.

Christian Bale Caught On ‘Batman V Superman’ Set, Says He Was ‘Looking For Imposter’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

“There’s an imposter in Gotham City. He claims to be me, he even wears the same suit as I do, but he is not me and he must be stopped.”

These were the grunted, barely audible words of former Batman star, Christian Bale, spoken while wandering around the set of much anticipated 2016 release, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, apparently looking for Ben Affleck.

Although disguised in the trademark cape and bat mask, cast and crew reportedly recognized Bale by the limp he affected for the last of The Dark Knight trilogy. Their suspicions were confirmed when at one point he called a child extra “God,” momentarily lapsing into the role of Moses, the character he played in Exodus: Gods and Kings.

Anne Hathaway, who recently returned with Bale from a cafe in Paris where they’d been living together, said that the transition has been hard for the celebrated actor.

“He’s not sure who he is right now,” Hathaway said. “Bruce never wanted to leave the vigilante life behind. It was the same after filming American Psycho, when he would roam the halls of Justin Theroux’s apartment block, naked and bloody with a chainsaw in his hands.”

When asked who she meant by Bruce, she responded, “Bruce? I said Christian, not Bruce. Who’s Bruce?”

According to director Zack Snyder, everyone is now used to Bale’s presence on set.

“He’s been hanging around for weeks now, struggling to identify the imposter. We’re all used to him. It’s always quite exciting when he holds one of the cast members up against the wall and demands information, sometimes tying them up with the rope he carries on his belt. What’s really weird though, is sometimes he throws on this horrible New York accent, and tried to get me to buy newspapers while singing and dancing. The man is a gas, but sometimes it’s just odd.”

According to production assistants on set, when Affleck was pointed out to Bale, the Dark Knight responded in his scratchy whisper, “You think you can fool me that easily? Only an idiot would believe that guy could pass for me.”

Lindsay Lohan’s Esurance Commercial To Spin-Off Into TV Series

Posted on February 15, 2015 by ZGHarris

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

After only a short time following the Super Bowl ad staring Lindsey Lohan, Esurance released a statement saying their sales are through the roof. The company noted that there have never been more customers claiming to be brought in by a single commercial as much as that of the one the company aired featuring Lohan.

“I don’t really know what to make of it,” said Head of Marketing, Jonathan Freidder. “The commercial was created in about a day. It is not like we had a plan of making an inspirational tale or something. It was a goof on her celebrity personality.”

Apparently, the joke is on Esurance, as hundreds of thousands of individuals have claimed to be so moved by Lohan’s performance that they canceled other insurance plans to switch over. Some even claimed to have taken on hefty penalties just to move over to Esurance.

“Cost me $835 to drop Geico and switch to Esurance,” said auto owner Ricky Tedesco. “Totally worth it. Lohan was awesome in the Super Bowl ad. I mean, honestly, she’s pretty awesome in everything. You ever seen Herbie Fully Loaded? Oh man, so hot.”

“At first I thought it was a joke. But apparently people really fell in love with the character,” said Freidder. “I wish I could point to what made it so successful, but quite frankly I’m miffed. We got Lindsay because she needed community service time served, and our commercial falls under some technical loophole. That was as far as we looked into it. I mean, you get Lohan for pennies on the dollar, and you bang out a commercial in a couple hours.”

Regardless of the intent, it is clear America has once again fallen in love with the former child star. There are already talks of a TV series based on the character she played in the commercial, ‘Sorta Mom,’ as well as an animated series, reportedly being courted by Cartoon Network. Reps have stated that Lohan’s voice “…carries the kind of melodic quality that is so very hard to find.”

Daycare Owner Arrested After Being Caught Taking Naps With Children

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

OMAHA, Nebraska-

A local Omaha man is behind bars today, but is claiming that he did nothing wrong, and is being falsely accused of crimes he did not commit. Anthony Parks, 34, is a daycare provider in Omaha. Police arrested him early Wednesday morning after being receiving complaints by parents that he was ‘laying down’ with the children during their nap time.

Parks admitted to police that he was, in fact, taking naps with the children, but also claims he never had any un-natural motives behind laying with them.

“I’m just exhausted by the time their nap time rolls around,” Parks. “Have you ever watched after 14 3-year-olds? It’s not easy. The kids were all laying down for their nap one afternoon, and I was so run down, I just laid down with them. The nap, along with the whale noises I play from the white-noise machine I bought for the kids, really made me feel refreshed. So, I just started doing it every single day.”

Parents of the children are outraged by Parks’ actions, and say that none of them ever thought there was anything “funky” going on.

“It’s not like we thought he was laying there to get some sort of sexual pleasure out of it, being surrounded by a dozen toddlers,” said mother Mary Lambert, whose daughter Kathy, 2, frequents the daycare. “My God, I’d almost rather he were molesting them. That would be easier to understand. Years of therapy could fix that problem. The problem that couldn’t be fixed would be one of those kids waking up and running off because they’re not being supervised.”

Parks is speaking out against the accusations, and promises parents he had the whole thing under control and would never let one of his students get hurt.

“Everyone needs a nap once in a while, and it wasn’t a big deal,” said Parks. “I’m hoping that these parents understand that I’m not a very sound sleeper, so even the slightest little noise, and I would have darted right up.”

“I just can’t believe anything he says,” said Lambert. “Honestly, we all thought he was shady from the beginning. Not very often a man owns a daycare in the first place. Plus, that bushy mustache and glasses, and the fact that he drives a windowless van with clowns and balloons painted on it, it’s a little unnerving. But frankly, the kids loved him. Now I have to tell Kathy, every time she asks where Mr. Tony is, that she can’t see him anymore because he’s been a bad boy.”

J.K. Rowling Reportedly Broke, Announces New Harry Potter Book

Posted on February 15, 2015 by katy_rev

LONDON, England –

J.K. Rowling informed her fans she was working on the 8th part of ‘Harry Potter’ saga. She first announced it on her Facebook page early Friday morning, and then confirmed the information in a few interviews with local media.

When asked what is the next part going to be about, Rowling said it would describe the eternal fight between good and evil. This answer didn’t satisfy either journalists or her fans, so she had to add some details.

“In summary, Harry Potter leads a peaceful, lovely life with his wife and children, until one day his scar hurts again, and burns like fire. In this moment Harry understands: it’s Voldemort rising from the dead,” said Rowling. “The malicious wizard is back, stronger and more dangerous than ever before. The battle for life begins, or rather reactivates. One more time Harry has to save his loved ones and the whole world.”

Rowling said her decision was dictated by an inner need to bring back Harry Potter, mostly because she is flat broke.

“She, at one point, was one of the wealthiest people in the world, and the wealthiest woman in England,” said financial analyst Mark Cummings of the New York Weekly. “Sadly, the sales of her post-Potter books are just dreadful. Bringing Harry back is the only way that Rowling would be able to maintain her current lifestyle, or else she’d end up back on the streets, homeless once again and scrawling notes on diner napkins.”

Rowling was reportedly recently seen in a London bank, asking for a loan of £1000 ($1550 USD), which was refused. An anonymous friend of Rowling’s has hinted that the writer may have severe gambling problems. “It’s true – she lost most of her fortune betting on real-life Quidditch matches. It’s just so strange, and so sad. Did you even know that Quidditch was a real game? My mind was totally blown.”

Rowling said the book should be ready within three months. Some Harry Potter fans say it can not be a success, yet plenty of them are looking forward to the publication. The preparation has already started. Readers and avid fans are already buying magical gadgets, such as hats, capes and wands, to use while dressing up during book launches around the world.

Justin Timberlake Buys Britney Spears’ Underwear At Auction; Jessica Biel Reportedly Files For Divorce

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The underwear Britney Spears wore in her hit 1998 video Baby One More Time recently sold at a charity auction for $60,000, and the buyer has been rumored to be Spears’ ex-boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. Timberlake’s wife, actress Jessica Biel, has reportedly filed for divorce, citing the purchase of the underwear as the reason.

“I don’t know why she’s so pissed,” said Timberlake. ”Those panties just bring back good memories of my youth. They were the same panties she wore the first time we did it. I couldn’t bare the thought of someone else owning them. More importantly, though, it was for charity, and I can afford it. Britney and I will always have the past, but Jessica is my future!”

“On his head! I caught him wearing that skank’s panties on his head!” said Biel. ”I’m having his baby, I’m fat, I’m irritable, and I find him naked singing ‘Hit me baby one more time!’ with those panties on his head in the bedroom. I mean, I know it could have been worse. There are some much more disturbing things he could have been doing with those panties. Oh God – now I’m thinking about all those things! I can’t take this anymore!”

“Justin really wanted those panties, and my sources tell me the bid was only $100 when he upped it to $60,000,” said Hollywood reporter Mitch Mitchell. “The divorce is big news, but no one wants to take sides here. Justin has already been to Vegas twice to see Britney’s show. I think Justin will be just fine, here. As far as Jessica goes, well, I’m sure that if her body bounces back quickly, she’s set for life, anyway. In Hollywood, beauty never has to fade!”

Minecraft World Record Holder Naively Thinks He’ll Have Kids to Brag To One Day

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

STUBENVILLE, Kentucky –

Minecraft world record holder Stanley Gordon naively believes he’ll have children one day to brag to about his conquest of the virtual universe. The 20-year-old, who says he spends his nights playing the popular game and his days sleeping and masturbating in his basement room, dreams of the family he’ll clearly never have.

“I’m gonna marry someone who loves the gaming world as much as I do,” he gloats, almost endearing in his belief that he’ll have a choice in any woman who hasn’t immediately rejected him. “We’re not gonna be a conventional family, where the parents are boring and always telling the kids what to do. Our parenting will be based on a shared love of fantasy and fun.”

In his deluded mind, Gordon has decided to have only two children because, “it gets lonely if there’s only one, and when there’s three one can get left out.” The wife and two children he’ll never have are going to live in the mansion he’ll design when his Minecraft blog eventually makes it big.

His best friend, known as fartdick69, encourages the Gordon’s sad belief that he’ll find love by suggesting that his own imaginary family will join him for barbecues, where all their mythological family members will enjoy Minecraft together. This, of course, once they live in the same city as each other and have met in person.

“Stan’s a good dude,” wrote fartdick69 from his own basement room. “I can’t wait to finally meet the man who conquered the Minecraft universe. He must be the coolest guy in the world. His future wife will be the luckiest girl around. And maybe she has a friend she’ll introduce me to.”