Poll Shows Large Portion Of U.S. Voters Think ‘Being Black’ Is Now Required Of Presidential Candidates

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a recent CNN Poll of likely voters, 49% said that they believed being black was now required to be President. The same poll also showed 37% believed the new requirement was to alternate between black and white Presidents. The last 14% believed that the next President has to be a woman.

“Well, that just shows how stupid polls are,” said Dennis Wallace, a 22-year-old registered Democrat. “All you ever hear is how inaccurate polls are, and I guess it’s true. I mean, how many whatevers does it take to screw in a light bulb, and that one about them having a screen door on their submarine – polls are stupid. Everyone knows the rule to electing a president is now black man, white woman, black woman, and then white man.”

23-year-old Regina Banks, who registered as an Independent said, “Doesn’t congress pick the President? I mean isn’t that’s why we elect them, to represent us? Or is that something to do with the election college, or…wait. No, we vote, and congress sends people to the election college to pick the president. Right?”

“I wish the people were right. Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing more black Presidents,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “I always thought Denzel Washington would make a good President. He lives in my district, and if there was any chance we could get him to run, I would gladly write a bill requiring all Presidents to be black. You know if that happened, then the republicans would make a fuss and start waving the constitution around like a bunch of children.”

“It’s weird that just because we have a black president that people think they all have to be black from now on,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who has been considering a run for president in 2016. “I don’t want people to not vote for me if I run just because I’m not black, and they think I can’t win. No one thought that it was required of the president to be a fat jazz enthusiast after Clinton took office, so why would they have to be black because of Obama?”

‘Thanks, Obama!’: Gas Prices Predicted To Drop Below $1.00 Per Gallon By Spring

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

HOUSTON, Texas –

Gas prices have dropped significantly throughout the United States over the last couple of months, thanks to more crude oil production in the U.S., lowering the price of to $60 a barrel, a trend National Energy Technologies CEO Robert McDaniel says will continue.

“The United States has officially become the world leader in oil production. I have every reason to believe, as should all American citizens, that gas and oil prices will continue to drop drastically. It is my educated and professional opinion that we could see gas prices drop to, or even below, $1.00 a gallon by late spring of 2015,” McDaniel told WEMP reporter Becky Hollensdale.

President Barrack Obama has also chimed in on the welcoming news, stating that his work is finally seeing results that all Americans are benefiting from.

“My administration has done a great deal of superb work that has previously gone unrecognized over the years. It is about time we are able to show the American people the love they so very well deserve.” President Obama said in his morning briefing. “Without me, this would have never happened. Does anybody even remember the last time gas prices dropped below $2.00 a gallon? How about less than $1.00 a gallon? I know my recollection is a bit fuzzy, because it was the 70s, and I was high as a kite somewhere, not caring about gas prices.”

While the Obama administration seems to be taking full credit for the drop of gas and oil prices, others claim that simply is not the case. Chairman of the United States Energy Resource Committee, Bill Farrell, says that it is the result of more digging and uprooting of forestry in the U.S., and that it has nothing to do with President Obama.

“Of course the President is going to take all the credit, as that is the one thing that all Presidents and government officials care about the most,” said Farrell. “The real reason prices have dropped, and American production has increased, is that the tree-hugging hippies and commies are fighting less and less to protect nature. Their ambivalence has allowed us to drill in more locations, uproot more trees, and get to the damn oil. I mean oil and gas makes the world go ’round. Who really gives a rat’s fart about the trees?”

At least ten states across the U.S. are already reporting gas prices under $2.00 a gallon, and most others can expect to see these prices soon as well.

“I’d just like to say that for quite a long while, I have seen many people across the internet say ‘Thanks, Obama!’ to things that I don’t feel I had any part in,” said the President. “But for lowering gas prices, I’d just like to wholeheartedly say to everyone – ‘You’re Welcome!'”

13-Year-Old Boy Arrested In Connection With Sony Hacking Crime

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WATERVILLE, Maine –

What is believed to be the most vicious cyber attack in history, and has been blamed on everyone from North Korea to Russian hackers, is now being directly linked to a 13-year-old boy from small town Waterville, Maine.

Many believed that North Korea and supreme leader Kim Jong-un were responsible for the massive hack against Sony Entertainment because of the Seth Rogen comedy film The Interview, a movie about the successful assassination of Jong-un. Even President Obama issued an official statement, denouncing Sony’s decision to give into threats and pull the film from its Christmas Day opening.

The teenager, whose identity is not yet being released due to his age, but uses the online handle ‘Cereal Killer,’ confessed to the crime in an email sent to federal investigators.

“Basically, he sent in emails confessing to the crime, and blamed it all on the fact that all his friends had gotten Playstation 4 consoles, and he was stuck with the old XBox 360. He felt abandoned, and like he had no friends left in the world,” FBI spokesperson Gerald Carmichael told the Associated Press. “So he wanted to ‘make Sony pay.’ Curiously, Sony Entertainment, as in the films, and Sony’s video game division, are two completely separate entities.”

“It’s just what I could get into, you know?” said the wayward teen in his emails. “I tried to break into the game division computers first. I thought I could maybe steal some unfinished games and release them online. But that one was too hard. Instead, I got into the movie studio computers, and got to watch Annie before it came out. The movie really, really sucked, by the way.”

“The boy is clearly a genius when it comes to electronics and the computer language in this technology age,” said Charmichael. “It reminds me of the movie War Games a little bit, that one from the 80s with Matthew Broderick. Here is this boy savant, who is just amazing at computers. It is really unbelievable that a young child could possess so much dangerous knowledge. Hell, I couldn’t do what he did, and I’ve been studying computers for ages.”

While the crime is being thoroughly investigated, the teen will be kept in the custody of the FBI. Carmichael declined to discuss what charges or any possible punishments the boy is facing.

Unarmed White Teen Killed By Black Police Officer – The Family’s Reaction Is Crazy!

Posted on December 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

NEW CANAAN, Connecticut –

The news of policemen shooting unarmed teens continues this week in suburban Connecticut, as Phillip Macinaw Jr., 17, was shot dead by police in the middle of a quiet street. Police say they incorrectly identified Macinaw as another teen they had been searching for who was thought to be involved in several home invasions.

Police reports show that the shooting happened after Macinaw was asked to hold up his hands, yet reached down into his waistband for what officers thought was a weapon. The object turned out to be a leather-bound date book filled with appointments, including fencing class and polo lessons.

The Macinaw family is distraught over the passing of their youngest son and are asking for their privacy, but were able to answer a few questions posed by media. When asked if they would be protesting the shooting, since their white son was killed by a black officer, Mrs. Macinaw dismissed it offhand.

“We all have jobs, and I head up the Charitable Women’s Society, so I don’t have a lot of time for the type of ‘protest’ you see on the news these days. Just because an incident involves people of different races doesn’t make it necessarily racist. I will be writing a letter to my Congressman about the level of training these officers receive, but I don’t believe I’ll be torching any police cars, no. My taxes helped buy them, after all,” said Charlene Macinaw, Phillip’s mother. “I helped allocate the monies for the town hall at the citizens meeting. I suppose when you aren’t paying for the infrastructure it must be easier to burn it down.”

Phillip Sr., despite the visible tears, was sympathetic to the officers involved.

“Phil wasn’t always the best listener. He had his flaws. I’m sure he ignored their warnings. I just feel terrible for these men who have to live the rest of their lives knowing that they took a life that didn’t need to be taken. These things aren’t always rational, but it is the civilized thing to do to keep a cool head. I may put in a stern letter to the Chief, but when you look at this like someone who has a little bit of sense, you see that nothing, no level of reaction, will bring your loved one back. You just have to learn how to cope instead of acting out and projecting.”

The identities of the officers involved in the shooting have not been released publicly. The police department has offered their deepest sympathies to the Macinaw family.

Taliban Vows to Kill More Children If Demands Aren’t Met

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PESHAWAR, Pakistan –

On Monday night, while most of America slumbered safely in their beds, Taliban gunman stormed a school in the Northwestern Pakistani city of Peshawar. Group leaders say the attack that killed 141 people, mostly children, will not be the last in their campaign.

A Pakistani military spokesman, Asim Bajwa, says this is not the first attack on children, and they expect the violence to escalate.

“This isn’t the first attack on our schools. The seven attackers are dead, thankfully, but I fear there will be bigger attacks to come. I don’t think that our government, or the American government, cares about this plight we are facing. I fear we are lost.”

“The problem is, there are many, many more people willing to join with the Taliban and blow their nuts off for this insane cause. All we can do is take ‘em out, one cave at a time,” said US military spokesperson Sam Jackson. “As aid, the US government plans to send some old metal detectors, retired volunteer policemen, and a guy wearing a McGruff the Crime Dog suit to help make their schools safer. We could send military, but to be honest, we just don’t give a shit about – Hey, wait. This is off the record, right?”

The Taliban has said that they believe this violent attack will help them recruit new members. “If you’re not with us you’re against us. Come join us, brothers, and we will teach you the way. We will kill soft, American piglets together. Death to infidels! Death to America!”

President Obama responded to the threats of further violence in Pakistan with a light shrug, and a frown-face. “We’ll do all we can, but to be fair, the gunmen have already been killed, so there’s no real reason to get involved right now. If this massacre and violence had happened in an American school, then the call to action would immediate. But this all happened on a foreign land, with foreign forces attacking foreign people in a foreign school. I think for now, we’ll just wait it out.”

Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public – The Reason Why Will Shock You!

Posted on December 17, 2014 by mike the inkman

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook has shocked the world today with their announcement that they will be publicizing all users’ past and current direct messages, in a move that they say will help to “promote honesty.”

Earlier today, CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, announced the policy changes in a status update via his personal, confirmed account. The status has since been deleted, however, it was shared thousands of times, and a screenshot of the original post has surfaced.

The original post read:

“I have been getting a lot of questions about our new direct message policy, which will make messages viewable by the public. It is a policy that we are going to enact over the next couple of updates. We feel it is a good policy that will promote honesty, and it will be retroactive, so old messages will be visible until a week after you deactivate your Facebook account.”

An anonymous source at Facebook was able to confirm that, despite the post being taken down, Facebook is definitely including the ‘public messages’ feature into future updates. The source was also able to confirm the feature will publicize all messages sent over the life of the Facebook account.

“Mark [Zuckerberg] has lost his head. He’s in bed with the NSA, he reads people’s personal messages for entertainment value. He views himself as some benevolent enforcer of morality. Facebook started as a way to connect with people, but now he is on another level,” said the anonymous employee. “The bad thing is, he slipped it into the terms of use years ago – anything you upload onto Facebook servers, including messages, is the property of Facebook, and can be made public. So if you’re using messenger to cheat on your spouse, or to sell or buy drugs, or anything you thought would stay private, you need to prepare yourself for everyone you know being able to read those messages, and probably sooner than you think.”

The new policy has been ill-received on social media. Screenshots of the post along, with angry comments, are spreading across the internet. Facebook users on the whole say they are not okay with the company playing with their private information.

“Facebook sucks, and it has for a while,” said user Mark Jacobs. “I guess with a change like this, it’s time we all move back to MySpace. They not only didn’t have privacy concerns, they let you order your friends into a top 8! God, remember that? Those were the days.”

President Obama Scores 102 On IQ Test, Lowest In Presidential History

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

As it turns out, the Republicans may have been right all along, and President Obama is not the smartest person in the room after all. Since Woodrow Wilson took office in 1913, all presidents have been given an IQ test at some point during their time as leader. Gerald Ford always held the record for lowest score, with a 111, which is considered just slightly above average. On the other end of the spectrum, George W. Bush scored a 132, which is considered ‘gifted.’ Two-Thirds of people who take the standardized IQ test score between 85-115.

The White House today spun President Obama’s 102 as a ‘solid average’ that is nothing to be ashamed of.

”President Obama never claimed to be smarter than anybody else. As a matter as fact, he has always represented himself as a regular guy, ‘a man of the people,’ as it were,” said Josh Earnest, White House Press Secretary. “The key to being a good leader is to surround yourself with smart people, which President Obama has always done. As far as needing to be a genius to run the country, well – George W. Bush had the highest score ever, and look at how that mess turned out. So, the next time President Obama bypasses congress with an executive order, and you’re about to say something cruel, racist, or otherwise completely ignorant, remember that he’s just a regular guy getting things done for you. And hey! At least he’s in the triple digits!”

“Ha! I knew it! King Obama is just a few points away from being a dummy,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”Einstein was a 160, and guess what America – I scored 145! I’m smarter than 99% of you! When I’m elected President, I’ll bring some common sense and smarts back into the White House. Let’s face it, don’t you want your President to be smarter than the guy asking you whether you want to ‘super size’ your fries at the drive through? ‘Vote for me America, I’m smart!’ Hell, I think I’ll make that a bumper sticker!”

Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The Word ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

Posted on December 10, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio just declared war on Christmas, and he’s making the children pay the price. NYC schools and chorus programs will have to change their Holiday shows to exclude songs with the word ‘Christmas’, or replace it with the word ‘Holiday’.

”I don’t hate Christmas, but it’s not about me, it’s about the thousands of children that don’t celebrate Christmas, and could find it offensive,” said de Blasio. “New York has always been the great melting pot, and our Muslim population has never been higher. After receiving complaints from Muslim leaders I’ve decided to cave in, basically. It’s not that big of deal really – it’s the time of year our schools put on their Holiday band and chorus shows, so just leave out songs that have the word ‘Christmas’ in them, or replace the word ‘Christmas’ with ‘Holiday’.”

“While we are at it, maybe it’s best not to have any songs with ‘Santa’ in them, either” said public school principal Mark DeWitt. “I agree whole-heartedly with the mayor on this decision. The important thing is not to offend anyone. ‘I’m dreaming of a white holiday’ is just as pretty as ‘white Christmas’. If we are all going to get along, we are going to have to change. And by ‘we’, I mean Americans are going to have to change.”

“It’s insane! ‘White Holiday?’ ‘It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Holiday’? It’s just stupid,” said Chorus instructor Carmine Classi,” We need a Mayor with a backbone, this guy is so far left he makes Obama look like a conservative, this city is going right down the holiday shitter, if you ask me.”

Congress Creates Tax On Internet Surfing; Expect To Pay Up To $3 Per Hour On Top Of Regular Monthly Bill

Posted on December 9, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Although Congress has recently shot down several different versions of a ‘net neutrality’ plan that would force large websites that have heavy traffic to pay more to internet service providers or face throttling, congress wasn’t as quick to shoot down a recently proposed tax on internet surfing to consumers.

Beginning in 2015, users of all internet services – including Time Warner Cable, Verizon FiOS, and Cox Communications among others – will be expected to pay an hourly fee of approximately $3 for basic internet service, on top of your normal monthly bill.

“It’s stupid, and it’s outrageous,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA). “If I were on the committee to prevent the Internet chargers and the Wall Street fat cats from pushing this through, I would have done my best to nip this in the bud. But I was traveling and I missed the vote,” she said.

House Speaker John Boehner was not as critical. “I don’t think $3 is too much to pay for a service that essentially brings the world to your doorstep. With this increased revenue, [the government] can help to balance the budget, and get our economy to where it used to be. The President has run into the ground, through his many policies and legislations, this country and our dollar, mostly because he comes up with ideas and we refuse to act. But regardless, this tax will help many.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) rejected an addendum to the bill that would have provided a “hardship exemption” for those not able to afford the monthly fee.

“People who can’t afford the fee aren’t going to be spending money online anyway,” McConnell explained, ”and giving them another handout is not helping the economy. This way, slowly but surely, one hour at a time, we’ll get the country back on its feet. Just like the story with the turtle and the hare, slow and steady wins the race!”

The average person spends up to 11 hours per day on some sort of internet service, whether it be through a computer, tablet, or cell phone. A conservative fee estimate would set back a typical American family nearly $10,000 per year, depending on their internet usage.

Consumers have reacted with shock and anger. “I’m going back to old-fashioned letter writing,” said heavy Internet user and single mother Samira Wells. “If it’s a choice between getting on Facebook and feeding my babies, I’m going to feed my babies. Wait ’til my Facebook friends hear about this,” she added.

“This is governmental influence run amok,” said Consumer Advocate Ralph Nader. “I may have to run for President again to enact legislation to invalidate this act of Congressional overreach.”

Many questions remain unanswered. What about people who already pay per hour for certain subscription services? Won’t they be paying double? Congress hasn’t answered that question yet, but political pundits say that many congressional leaders will have plenty of answers prepared for the millions of voters out there before the 2016 elections season heats up.

Harvard Study Finds Whites Experience Far More Racism Than Blacks

Posted on December 9, 2014 by DvanL

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

A controversial Harvard University study reveals what many oppressed, non-minorities have said for years – white people experience far more racism than black people.

Dr. Bob Ofay, author of the study, offers a rather straightforward defense of his findings: “Approximately 234,000,000 white people live in the United States, compared to about 39,000,000 black people. It’s simple mathematics. More white people, far more prejudice. The numbers don’t lie.”

Dr. Cornel West, African-American Harvard and Princeton educated philosopher and author, weighed in on the study. “Technically, Ofay’s correct. There are far more whites living in America, so proportionately, he’s right. But there‘s a different kind of racism that whites face.”

West went on to explain that every member of a non-white race has an equal opportunity to practice racism against whites; therefore, going by the data, whites are indeed oppressed far more than blacks. “I feel for my white brothers and sisters!” said West. “I’ve been there, done that, and it’s no day at the beach let me tell you. Especially if that beach is segregated,” he added.

Rev. Al Sharpton, activist and TV opinion show host said, “All these years I’ve been organizing protest marches fighting inequality between historically white-on-black oppression, since slavery anyway. But now that I look at the bigger picture – the history before slavery – I see that whites have suffered far more oppression than blacks, and many other races combined for that matter. When you do the math, I see now that it’s the whites who have gotten the short end of the racial stick.”

When asked if his editorial viewpoint would change because of the Ofay study, Sharpton replied, “Hell no! I’ve got a gold mine going on here! Don’t get me wrong – I’m sympathetic to the plight of white people – but I’m not a damn fool! That question was outrageous!”

Whether the results of Ofay’s survey will change perceptions across the nation is up for debate. Just a peek at today’s headlines, from Ferguson Missouri to Staten Island, New York, seem to tell a different story.

Ofay remains confident. “The facts I have presented will bear me out. These days, to be born white is to have one strike against you. I knew the tide was turning when years ago, salsa became the number one condiment over ketchup. The proof’s in the pudding,” said Ofay.

In a related study by the Food Institute of America, chocolate pudding outranks vanilla by a nearly 2 to 1 margin, but they say butterscotch is gaining traction.