Al Gore Rushed to New England Hospital With Symptoms Of Frostbite

Posted on December 8, 2014 by Abe Abrams

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Former vice-president Al Gore was reportedly struck with a violent case of frostbite earlier this morning, while indoctrinating America’s youth in the perils of global warming at a New England elementary school .

After a frighteningly inappropriate speech given in the schools gymnasium, Gore was invited to follow the children out to recess. According to several teachers, Gore was not appropriately dressed for the cold front gripping the area, and while playing ‘King of the Hill’ with the children, he became soaked in cold, wet snow. A secret service agent, assigned to the former vice-president during his tours, noticed red splotches on Gore’s face and hands.

“Well, it was supposed to be a speech on conservation. You know – turn off lights, don’t run the water when brushing your teeth, that sort of thing,” said Ralph Stevens, 4th grade teacher. “But Mr. Gore took his speech over the top. My God, he had a slide show featuring dead polar bears, crying Eskimos, and drawings of cities under water. When it was done, the children were visibly upset and many were crying about the dead animals, so I called for recess to cheer them up.”

“It was disgusting, really,” said Principal Ann Parsons. “Mr. Gore followed the children outside, taking over a game of King of the Hill, and he was violently shoving kids off the hill, declaring himself Ruler of the World. I tried to stop it, but the secret service would not let me get close. It was unseasonably chilly, around 28 degrees, and although the children were all dressed in winter clothes, Mr. Gore was just in a suit and tie, not even a jacket. After about an hour, the secret service swarmed around him and whisked him away to the motorcade, knocking over children as they went. I was glad to see him go.”

“Luckily the doctors say I will end up being okay, and that we got here in time, so there’s no reason to amputate anything,” said Gore from a Massachusetts General hospital bed. ”I was wondering why my entire body was aching and hurting. I just thought it was because I was throwing all those kids around. Anyway, I just want everyone to know global warming is real, and that I will continue to educate the children through my school tours. I can show you all the science you need, but the average temperature dropping over the last seven years should prove it all. If no one else, the uneducated kids of America will certainly believe me.”

President Obama Forcing Schools To Tell Children There Is No Santa Claus

Posted on December 8, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama today threatened to withhold federal funding to public elementary schools unless images of Santa are removed and students are taught that he is a fictional character. President Obama explained what is being called by the Republicans as the ‘Scrooge Clause’ in a statement earlier this morning.

”It’s time children stop believing in a jolly old man who brings them presents, when the truth is Santa didn’t bring those gifts, the government did,” said President Obama. “Those presents aren’t made by elves, they are made by companies, that stay in business thanks to government breaks. Santa’s reindeer didn’t help delivery those presents, they traveled by trucks on roads and highways built by the government. It’s time children realize there is no Santa, only big government, government that will take care of you from cradle to grave.”

“We believe that It’s time to take down those pictures of Santa and replace them with pictures of the White House, or better yet, pictures of our great President,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “Without our president, and without our government, there wouldn’t be any Christmas. Not to mention that most children in this country are getting presents bought by their parents with welfare money, and by their grandparents with social security. All the good boys and girls get toys bought with government handouts.”

Naturally, many people are outraged that the government would take a stand on Christmas, and force them to explain that Santa is fictional, which would cause many children to burst into tears. Republican leaders are especially upset, as they worry about what a world with no Santa could mean for the future of commerce.

“No Santa? Well that really is some communist, pinko bullshit,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”I just want the kids out there to know, I believe in Santa. In my letter to Santa only asked for one thing, and that is to be your next President. Because when I’m President, I’m going to make a special holiday for Santa so he doesn’t have to share one with Jesus. I’m thinking we lose Martin Luther King’s Birthday since it looks like no one believes in his message of peace anyway, and make it Santa Day instead! With a little bit of Santa’s magic help, I will become your next President.”

BREAKING: North Korea Launches Nuclear Missile Towards The United States

Posted on December 5, 2014 by DvanL

PYONGYANG, North Korea –

Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, has launched a series of nuclear missiles towards the United States in retaliation for the release of the new Seth Rogen and James Franco big-budget comedy film The Interview.

The nuclear capabilities of North Korean military forces are in their infancy, and so far no missiles have traveled further than a few kilometers, military experts say. “We’re on high alert in case any missile comes close to entering American territory,” said US Army spokesperson Turk Hudsonberry. “We’ve been able to track the missiles with spy satellites, and so far only two have managed to launch. Of those two, one was a dud, while the other one wiped out a bridge near the Taedong River,” he added.

Although North Korean forces have thus far been unsuccessful in their attempts to inflict damage anywhere near American soil, US military personnel never underestimates the significance of any perceived attack. “We take each and every threat against the United States seriously,” said Hudsonberry, “no matter how weak or inept they may seem.”

In the Rogen and Franco film, the duo play tabloid show stars who land an interview with Kim Jong-un, and are recruited by the CIA to “take him out.”

“I guess he just doesn’t have that big a sense of humor,” said Hollywood insider and North Korean military expert Danny Nang. “Reports circulated last June that Kim Jong-un was extremely upset with the film’s plot, but we never expected military retaliation. We suspect that the Supreme leader is one of the few people in the country with access to a satellite to view worldwide media, which would explain his knowledge that the film existed.”

In August of 2013, photos from a North Korean military parade showed what were purported to be Intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs). “They were the same ICBMs used in the previous year’s parade,” said Nang, “except new numbers were painted over the old ones. Military experts determined they were fakes designed more for show.”

Hudsonberry stressed that all threats against the United States are treated with the highest priority. “Kim Jung-un’s actions should never be underestimated. His government goes to great lengths to display the country’s military might, and what North Korea shows on the outside does not necessarily represent what takes place on the inside. We remain on high alert, and are confident that our anti-missile systems will effectively counter and completely demolish any military attack before it poses any real threat to the US,” he added.

Michelle Obama Announces Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on December 4, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hot on the heels of an announcement from former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, First Lady Michelle Obama today launched an exploratory committee to consider a Democratic presidential campaign in 2016. This first step could fill the field with women candidates, including Hillary Clinton and ultra-liberal Elizabeth Warren.

“After talking to Barack and the girls, I feel running for President is the right thing to do,” said Michelle Obama. “My years in the White House have given me insight on how the government works. While Hillary would play centrist, and Ms. Warren plays far left, plus Sarah Palin, who barely can play at all, I will split the middle, perfect playing both sides.”

When asked whether or not she would simply follow her husband’s path and policies if elected, Michelle Obama answered that she appreciated what he has done for the country, and that he would be a ‘great advisor’ to her.

“Years of watching my husband have taught me the secret of being a great politician: agree with everybody, then do what you want afterwards. Barack got as far as he did by calling those who didn’t agree with his policies a racist, so think how far I can get calling them a racist and a sexist. My slogan will be ‘Let’s Finish Transforming America,’ because Barack didn’t have time to complete our vision for the country. A vote for me will get the job done right. No more privately owned business, no more free press, no more individual landowners, no more guns, no more freedom of speech, and no more God, unless his name is Muhammad.”

“With me as First Man helping her out, there’s no reason why we won’t finish the job I started,” said President Obama. “Plus that’s at least four more years of using Air Force One to get to my golf outings, which would be nice.”

“ Huh, she said what?” Senator Ted Cruz,” How do you like me now America, I’m suddenly the sane one. Vote for me and I’ll give you more business, more guns, more God and more freedom.”

Urban Outfitters Stores Begins Carrying T-Shirts Branded With ISIS Terrorist Group Logo

Posted on December 4, 2014 by Abe Abrams

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

Urban Outfitters, know for its hipster, bohemian, and bizarre merchandise has created controversy once again, this time partnering with ISIS to sell military style shirts with the ISIS logo. The shirts are in stores now and sales have been surprisingly positive.

”We are proud to be partnered with ISIS. I support ISIS’ decision to earn money for their cause legally, although we can’t raise them more money than their illegal oil sales, illegal collection of taxes, or even their kidnapping campaigns have, starting a clothing line is a good start towards redemption, in my book,” said Richard Hayes, founder of Urban Outfitters. “I would like to add that we don’t necessarily support all of ISIS’ endeavors, but we do support them in reaching their goals and following their dreams.

Hayes said that just because the militant, terrorist group has a dark past, and a dark present, doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t look forward to a bright future.

“Here at Urban Outfitters, we have always prided ourselves to bring the public a compelling and distinct way to prove they are a little cooler and a little different from everybody else,” said Hayes. “With my help, I hope to see the ISIS brand on everything from refrigerator magnets to jeans, because if it’s cool and edgy, it belongs in Urban Outfitters.”

“I don’t see the big deal, it’s a cool shirt and that logo is off the hook,” said 15-year-old Urban Outfitters shopper, Jason Swarr. ”The logo has guns on it and stuff, and that’s badass. I don’t really know what ISIS is, but if Outfitters sells it, it’s gotta be cool, and I don’t want to be the only kid not supporting ISIS. The key to fitting in is to liking what everybody else likes, that’s why I shop at Urban Outfitters and that’s why I pledge my support to ISIS and their cool logo.”

Man Sues Dating Website, Says ‘My Perfect Matches Are Always Black’

Posted on December 3, 2014 by JP

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

A Charlotte man has filed a lawsuit against a popular online dating site, citing his ‘extreme unhappiness’ with the results the website had been giving him. Gil Green, age 33, claims that all of the ‘perfect matches’ recommended to him through the site were African-American.

“I want to find myself a nice white woman and the site couldn’t get that straight,” said Green. “It isn’t fair to me at all that they would assume that I’m into black girls. I put in all my own information, and what I was looking for in a girl, and every time I checked who it matched me with, it was some dark-skinned broad.”

Green is claiming that the website was ‘deliberately sabotaging’ his love life, and that is why he was filing suit.

“I’m just a simple man, and I’m trying to find a wife, or at least a couple good dates, maybe a couple of blowjays, you know? But no mater how many times computer tells me my perfect match is black, I can’t just settle on that,” said Green. “It’s not a racist thing, I’ve met black people before. Some of them are even pretty cool. I just don’t find black women attractive. I’m sure plenty of black women don’t find me attractive. I shouldn’t have to change my standards to find a date on the internet.”

Green’s lawyer, Joe Goldsmith, Esq., who filed the suit in a North Carolina Superior Court, said he thinks that Green has ‘no chance in hell’ of ever winning the case.

“I only took this case for the money, my practice is struggling, and whatever pays the bills, you know?” said Goldsmith. “Mr. Green seems to be really confused about the internet and online dating in general, because the website he is filing suit against is ‘blackpeoplemeet.com’. Obviously his matches are going to be African-American. Frankly, Mr. Green is an idiot, and quite possibly a bigot.”

Representatives of blackpeoplemeet.com have yet to comment on the lawsuit, except to say that they “assume the outcome of the case will be a no-brainer.”

Gas Prices To Top $7 Per Gallon By Spring According To U.S. Energy Information Administration

Posted on December 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C –

On Black Friday, gas prices began to drop quite drastically compared to the upward trends the country has been seeing since the mid-2000’s. While various experts insist that prices will continue to drop, what they and most United States government officials aren’t telling you is, indeed, quite frightening.

Adam Sieminski, Chief Administrator of the U.S. Energy Information Administration (EIA), announced today that it is his educated opinion after years of experience as an expert energy resource consultant, that gas prices will begin to rise very rapidly after the New Year, and continue throughout all of 2015. Sieminski says that prices of regular unleaded gasoline could very well reach $7.00 per-gallon by springtime.

“Don’t be fooled by the current production level of crude oil, which is seemingly leading the average American to believe that gas prices will continue to fall. What we have here, in my expert opinion, is the makings of a real shit-storm,” a shockingly candid Sieminski told reporter Wade Robertson from the KRAP news station in Los Angeles. “The constant disputing and clashing of political parties is to blame. They simply cannot agree as to the cost of anything. If they can’t even decide on a standard price for bubble gum, how can we entrust them to price our fuel supply?”

“The wool is being pulled over the peering eyes of the American public by the government, with all these low gas prices during the holiday season,” said Mark Rupert, an economic advisor at the EIA. “It is simply a decoy to fool the great hard-working citizens of this incredible country into spending more money than they normally would on other products because they’re finally saving on gasoline. All the while, they’re portraying the temporary illusion of a steadily improving national economy. Don’t be fooled!”

In a recent interview with CBS News, John Kingston, director of news at Platts, a provider of global energy, petrochemicals, metals, and agriculture information, said he sees no possible bad outcome of the current low gas prices. When asked if American businesses and consumers should just sit back and enjoy the ride as oil and gas prices continue to march downward, Kingston answered, “I just don’t see why they shouldn’t.”

The EIA clearly disagrees. “Gas, oil and other energies are the biggest business in the world. Of course they want you to believe everything is all fine and dandy, it should be a criminal offense to mislead the nation in this way, it is being done so that just when the average consumer gets comfortable, the shit will hit the fan, and they will be pawning the rims right off their cars just so that they can afford to put gas in them,” Sieminski concluded.

“In the end, who cares about gas prices?” said Jeb Smith, a grizzly, old gas station owner in Des Moines, Iowa. “Up, down, left, right. Gas been fluctuatin’ in price as long as I been alive. People buy the things they need, and they try and buy the things they want. It’s the nature of life, and no economy guy or science doofus is gonna tell me what I should and shouldn’t spend money on.”

Sarah Palin Announces 2016 Run for Presidency

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASILLA, Alaska –

Tea party darling and liberal punching bag Sarah Palin announced her plans to run for President in 2016. While Palin may be the first big name to throw her hat into the ring, it’s possible that she will have some stiff competition in the primaries, with possible candidates including, Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, and Rand Paul.

”We already know who the Dems are planning to run, her royal highness of the liberal left, the ‘it’s my turn,’ Miss Hillary Clinton,” said Palin outside the Wasilla post office which also serves as the area meeting place, town hall, police station, fire station, and gas station. “2016 is not going to be a dogfight, it’s going to be a cat fight! It’s going to take a woman to beat a woman, and I’m your gal!”

Palin says that she isn’t sure, yet, which platform to run on, because she’s not even sure which issues really matter to anyone. The only thing she could say for certain is that she really wanted to start drilling into that local pipeline.

“All I can say is that we Palins know how to fight! What was true in 2008 is still true today, because Obama has done nothing. The key to financial independence, to fixing this economy, to creating jobs, to keeping us out of wars in the Middle East, to energy independence is ‘Drill Baby Drill!’ And Who do you trust to get the drilling done? Who do want to drill? Me or Hillary? I’m here to say trust me, and drill me! A new pipeline will bring oil to the refineries and create jobs. Who wants a job? Who wants to lay the pipe? Who would you rather lay the pipe for? Some dried up old bag, or would rather lay the pipe for me?! I want so much oil for this country, that when I look down at that long pipe, I get blasted in the face. I dream every night that I’m covered in oil while hard-working American men are drilling and laying pipe. That’s my dream for America, That’s why I want to be your next President!”

“She definitely created some excitement out there,” said Peter Push, Palin’s campaign manager. “I never saw anything like it. When Sarah finished, out of respect the men just sat there with their hats in their laps and waited a good five minutes before standing up. If it comes down to Palin vs. Clinton, I know who the men will be lining up behind.”

Mailman Arrested After 3 Tons of Undelivered Mail Found in His Backyard

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LITTLE CREEK, Pennsylvania –

A letter carrier from the small town of Little Creek in Pennsylvania must have never heard the old Post Office motto ‘Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom…’, as Postal Worked Dwight Davidson was arrested yesterday after over 6000 pounds of undelivered mail was found in his backyard.

“It’s a lot of pressure being a mailman, the mail never stops,” said Davidson from his holding sell at a Pennsylvania federal prison. “Since the coal mine closed last year, just about everybody in town is out of work and all they do now is wait by their mailboxes for their checks – unemployment checks, welfare checks, and any other checks you can get from the government. They all made the same joke when I gave them their mail; ‘Keep the bills,’ they’d say. Well, I decided to give them what they wanted, and stopped delivering bills.”

Davidson says that once he stopped bringing bills to the people on his delivery route, they were nicer to him, and it was an extreme load off his mind, as well as his body.

“Once I started dumping junk mail and bills in my backyard, my job got easier. What use to take 8 hours to deliver every day now took just about 45 minutes. People got their checks, and I got a lot of free time – seemed like a win-win. Well, as it turns out, after about a month of not getting any mail, some people complained. The sheriff and the Postmaster found the mail in my backyard, and I got arrested and suspended – with pay, thanks to the union, so now when I get out of prison in 6 months, I’ll get to sit home and do nothing and wait by the mailbox for a check. They had it right all along! It’s a great plan!”

Facebook Submits Names Of Users Posing In Pictures With Guns To Homeland Security

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Abe Abrams

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed rumors this morning that the company would be handing over names and photos of site users who have posted pictures of themselves with guns to the government. Democrat leaders applauded Facebook’s move, stating that it is important to know who has guns in America, especially since many of the weapons that they’d seen could very well be unregistered.

Despite the excitement from the radical left, many Facebook users, regardless of political stance, were naturally outraged that their ‘private’ photos would be handed over to the Department of Homeland Security.

”I don’t understand what the big deal is, I mean it’s right there in the user agreement. Line 27 , page 134 of the policy that all users agree to when signing up. The subject clearly states ‘Any and all user information will be shared with Homeland Security upon request from the department.’ It’s right there in black and white. Or blue and white, as the case may be.”

When asked why Facebook would be so willing to work with the government, Zuckerberg said that he was just trying to ‘do his patriotic duty.’

“I added that line back in after 2009, when Obama took office. After he was elected, he came to me and asked for my help, saying that he wanted to ‘transform America,’ and he couldn’t do that until the country was disarmed,” said Zuckerberg. “This is a perfect way to find the gun nuts in this country, and keep a watch over them. I think the whole thing has been a huge success, and I for one can’t wait to live in a gun-free America.”

Many people have already been informed, via registered mail from the government, that they are now ‘under watch’ by the agency, and that they had been flagged as ‘gun nuts’ on Facebook. Several notable website users, including Texas cheerleader Kendall Jones, who became national news after pictures of her big game hunts were posted to her Facebook page, have already been reported as well.

“Yes, we closely work with Facebook,” said Homeland Security Director Brian Belmonte, confirming their partnership. “All we do is ask for the data, and then Facebook hands it over. We collect intel from many sources, but it’s just compiled data, there’s no need to worry. Feel free to go on with your lives, posting your pictures and every thought you have onto the internet. There’s nothing to worry about here.”

“It’s right from the socialism 101 handbook,” said senator Ted Cruz.”First control the media, then add a heavy progressive tax rate. Those are both done. Next control people’s healthcare – oh look, we’ve got that, too. The last step is to disarm the public so they can’t rebel, which is coming soon. One more Democratic President, and the stars on our flag will be replaced with a hammer and sickle. That’s why in my campaign for president, my slogan is ‘less taxes, more guns!'”