New Study Proves Taking A Shower Immediately After Sex Will Prevent STDs

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Medical Center have discovered a link between cleanliness and STD prevention. According to Dr. Richard Long, after sex with a partner of ‘unknown STD status,’ a regular shower using soap, hot water, and regular shampoo and conditioner, can completely wash away any and all sexually transmitted diseases.

“Basically, it’s really quite simple,” said Long. “If you’re happily humping away with some boy or some girl whose sexual history you don’t know, or who you cannot completely trust to be telling you the truth, just immediately go and take a hot shower after intercourse. If you can manage to get into the shower within 2 minutes of orgasm, you are nearly 100% likely to wash away any STDs you may have been at risk in contracting.”

Long says they tested the theory by having men and women have sex with people who were positively infected with genital herpes, Gonorrhea, crabs, and syphilis. Of the 50 men and 50 women who were exposed via unprotected sex during the study, all were told to continue until climax, and then immediately shower. None of the exposed became infected with an STD.

“We aren’t really sure if we had to make them go until they climaxed, but they weren’t getting paid for this study, so we figured they should get something out of it,” said Long. “That said, though, none of our participants left with an STD. Well, the 50 men and 50 women who had an STD when they came in left with one, but that’s not what I meant.”

Long says that they plan to publish the full study in the next issue of Medical Science Yearly. In the meantime, he says that he hopes that young people “continue to abstain as much as possible, just in case.”

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police ‘He Had A Bigger TV’

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

FAIRFIELD, New Hampshire –

Envy rears its ugly head yet again as a family is briefly left in tears over the death of James Moore, 29 – father, husband, and owner of a huge TV.

Police arrested Darnell Wilson, 23, at the scene of the crime shortly after it happened. He made no attempt to resist. During questioning, he gave an honest account of what happened, verified by the victim’s family.

“Day in, day out, they’d have that TV on. I could see it through my kitchen window – part of it anyway,” he explained. “The man’s TV was at least 70 inches. What was I supposed to do? Any self-respecting man would’ve done the same.”

In a fit of jealousy and embarrassment at his mediocre 42-inch TV, Wilson paid his neighbor a visit with a fully loaded handgun. Moore’s family, initially grief-stricken and confused, came to visit Wilson and express their sympathy. Carla, wife of the deceased, said her husband “probably would have done the same” if they had such a tiny TV. The family is pressing charges regardless, because they are Americans, after all.

While Wilson is facing a trial, police say a murder penalty is unlikely due to the circumstances. The sentence is likely to be two years maximum for aggravated embarrassment with a capitalist-conditioning plea.

“I mean, it’s not like he stole our TV,” Carla said. “I’d be okay with just getting some money out of the whole thing. James didn’t have life insurance.”

The family has since purchased heavier window curtains to avoid similar annoyances in the future.

Adding Cheese To All Foods In Your Diet Could Be Great Way To Die Young

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

CARSONVILLE, Iowa –

With retirement funds disappearing, job security becoming a myth, debilitating diseases running rampant, and old age divorces at an all time high, early deaths are becoming an attractive prospect for many resourceful men and women. This presents several problems, of course: pain, effort leading up to death, and possibly unpaid life insurance – not to mention open caskets and closure for family members. The solution is surprisingly simple: cheese.

By eating cheese with or for every meal, depending on the starting age, one could expect to die as young as 23 – the ideal age for college-goers who do not wish to experience the soulcrushing rigors of normal adult life. The cause of death will most likely be stroke or heart attack.

While these are not without pain, they are much less painful than other methods. Furthermore, eating cheese often is an easy, snowballing method that requires no effort; in fact, since cheese is such a varied and great tasting food, it can even be fun. It is a nonviolent way to go, leaving families with better chances for closure, an open casket, less likelihood for life insurance denial, and less likelihood to chicken out at the last second.

Experts say as much as a single ounce every other day is enough for many, but to be sure, an ounce per day or more is suggested. Many people, Americans especially, consume this amount on a daily basis without even realizing it; all that’s needed is to stop exercising and perhaps drink less water, which certainly isn’t a problem for the USA.

NASCAR Fans Disappointed That No Drivers Have Been Killed Recently

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

It’s been a quiet few months for NASCAR, and fans are beginning to grumble. Since August 2014, not a single driver has been killed, meaning the sport is nothing more than grown men playing racing cars. Kevin Ward Jr. was the flavor of the month when Tony Stewart seemed to accelerate into him, killing him and ending his short career.

“It’s no fun anymore, since Kevin’s death,” said long time fan, Huxley Turncroft. “They’ve increased safety regulations, and I can’t imagine we’ll see any further accidents of the kind in the near future. Drivers are just too scared to be reckless right now.”

NASCAR driver Jamie Dick has been hospitalized in the last few days, but apparently it’s because of health issues unrelated to driving. He certainly wasn’t hit in the head by debris on exiting his car after a crash.

“Dick is in our thoughts,” said NASCAR spokesperson Reynold Howards. “Dick is in the hands of gentle and caring nurses. But he has a boring illness, and no signs of having hit his head on the steering wheel.”

Stefan Howitzer, an analyst of sports injuries and deaths, says the world is going through an unusual dry spell.

“A couple of weeks ago, a footballer in England collapsed due to minor issues. Basically, he fainted. Nothing exciting. At the Cricket World Cup in Australia a batsman went to the doctor for a common cold, but no one has been killed by having a cricket ball hit them in the back of the neck. And NASCAR has been even worse. Drivers have been escaping serious injury by either not crashing or by having excellent safety equipment built into their cars. New technology is destroying the world of sport.”

A representative of the NASCAR Drivers Association hit back at reports, saying “we’re trying really hard to cause injuries and death. However, it is getting harder to do so without having legal recourse taken against us. Our experts are working hard on coming up with new strategies.”

Study Shows Excessive Taking of Selfies Cause Seizures

Posted on March 14, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

You may want to drop that cellphone next time you are having a great hair day and looking for some ‘likes’ on Facebook. A recent study has been conducted, with results showing that people who take excessive selfies are more likely to suffer from seizures.

Dr. Corey Brad explained how something as simple as taking a picture of ones self can be so dangerous.

“Well, as crazy as it may sound, it is completely true. The thing that sets apart selfies from any other picture is the fact that most people taking them take up to one hundred photos of themselves at one time to find the perfect picture,” said Dr. Brad. “That large amount of staring into the screen and light can cause a person at any age to have a seizure. On top of that, you are twice as likely to take one with the flash on. As we’ve always known, flashing lights can cause seizures, but we never thought that some day so many people would be repeatedly flashing lights at themselves, either.”

There have been over 2,000 cases of young adults having seizures so far this year, and this study may have found the answer to why this is happening.

There are a few signs that you’re close to the ‘danger zone’ of a seizure when taking pictures, the biggest is about ‘Duck Face.’

“One tip is to know that the typical ‘Duck Face’ that is commonly seen in pictures is a sign of an impending seizure. While most people don’t even realize they are doing it, selfies can cause a neuron to literally burn out in your brain, causing you to make the face when taking a picture,” said Dr. Brad. “If you see someone making a duck face in a selfie, by all means, slap that phone to the ground. It may save their life.”

Harrison Ford Fails At Badass Death Attempt

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SANTA MONICA, California –

Harrison Ford has once again narrowly failed at carrying out a badass finale to his life. Ford crashed his World War II-era plane into a golf course last week, and is apparently “lucky to be alive.”

“It’s remarkable, really. Almost like one of his movies,” said expert Tarry Lupone. “Things were shaky from the takeoff, when he realized his plane – over half a century old, remember – was having problems. He turned back, contacting the airport to clear a runway for an emergency landing. Then he crashed anyway before he reached it. How did he survive? That plot point must have been written in by someone unaware of the badassery of that sort of death.”

Ford’s family have expressed their happiness at his well being, but admitted their empathy for the disappointment he must feel at having failed at living out the fairy-tale ending.

“Harry’s really down,” said wife, Calista Flockhart. “I’m glad to still have him in my life, but I promised when I married him to support his dreams, no matter what difficulties. This has been a lifelong dream, and to see it fall apart again – at the last minute – is hard for all of us.”

Son Liam expressed similar sentiments.

“I love daddy,” said the toddler. “I also love his work, and I want his career to play out in the way it’s supposed to. It’s the sign of a great man to get up and try to die again after numerous failures. I hope daddy dies soon, in a badass way of his choosing. It’ll be something to brag to my friends about.”

Fans, however, have other concerns about the actor dying “too soon,” especially when there are films being greenlit that need Ford’s star-power or involvement to work.

“There’s still Blade Runner II yet to be made! And what about the upcoming Star Wars films?” said blogger Kate Redman. “I understand and support what he wants, but it’s selfish to rush it. He’s still got a few good years ahead of him, in which he’ll have loads of opportunities to die in an even more badass ways.”

Ford says that in the end, he might just get inside of a lead-lined refrigerator and have a nuclear bomb dropped on top.

“I’m pretty sure that it might really kill me,” said the star. “Would it even be possible to survive that?”

Man Commits Suicide After Losing Wi-Fi Connection For 25 Minutes

Posted on March 7, 2015 by JP

LAREDO, Texas –

A Laredo family is in mourning today after a young man took his life late Friday evening. Tom Brink, 24, hung himself from the rafters of his home, leaving behind a note for his loved ones detailing his spiral into depression.

“I can’t believe this I spend so much money on my internet and it goes down all the time. I can’t take it anymore, it has been about 25 minutes now, and still no connection. I lived a great life, but I don’t want to live in a world were I can’t come home and watch my favorite TV shows on Netflix, or check my Facebook feed and just unwind a bit. I just got to the end of Breaking Bad and my connection kicked off right during the cliffhanger. I can’t do this anymore, I’m sorry.”

Brink’s mother Mary remembers Tom as an easy going person who never let drama get into his life. She told us that she was completely blind-sided by his death and would never expect her son to do such a thing because he had a lot of things going his way.

“He just got a new job, and he was going to be making over 6-figures,” said Mary. “He had the whole world at his fingertips. His girlfriend was beautiful and smart, he had a new puppy named Gremlin, and he even was looking into buying a home. I cannot believe that he’s gone. The internet is a foul, evil place, but not having it is even worse.”

Mary Bring is urging parents to make sure their children are raised with strong Wi-Fi connections, and to make sure that their kids know that there are more options in life than just watching videos on the internet, such as TV on DVD or even old VHS tapes.

Representatives for Brink’s internet service say that there was no issue with the service on their end, and Brink more than likely would have been able to reset his connection by unplugging his router, waiting 30 seconds, and plugging it back in.

Airline Passenger Arrested After Causing Panic, Chaos During Flight

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tragedy struck as chaos ensued aboard a flight from Los Angeles bound for New York last week when one man learned where free speech ends and endangering the safety of others begins.

The classic example of “shouting Fire! In a crowded theater” describes a situation in which one’s freedom of speech is limited to prevent unnecessary panic and disaster. Toward the end of the flight, a 24-year-old man looking for amusement shouted clearly: “Tacos! Check out the free tacos!”

Immediately the plane erupted into a clamor of yelling, panic, and frustration, as passengers left their seats and began frantically searching the plane for free tacos. The pilot, co-pilot, and flight attendants, all also rushed to search for the tacos, leaving the plane completely unattended. The man’s identity remains anonymous for his protection.

The shouter’s friend, who was sitting next to him at the time, told police that he tried to diffuse the situation, but frenzy had already consumed the flight. The plane eventually flew past its destination and crashed into the ocean, killing 3, and wounding 7 before help could arrive.

The man was convicted to only one month of prison, but was forced to buy each passenger a year supply of tacos from their store or chain of choice, and may serve up to ten years on taco probation, banning him from every Taco Bell and Fajita Grill in the country.

“It sucks for the people that died, but we got free tacos, so it’s pretty cool,” one passenger commented. “I hope this teaches him a lesson on how powerful words can be.”

Man Electrocuted, Dies While Smoking E-Cigarette

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Michael Del, a 34 year old construction worker from Boston, Massachusetts, was killed early last Wednesday as the e-cigarette he was smoking sent a jolt of electricity through his body, knocking him unconscious. Del, who was on a lunch break while working an overnight on job site in Cambridge, had reportedly been using the e-cigarettes to help quit smoking, a habit he had for nearly 20 years. He was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital where doctors were unable to revive him. They pronounced him dead at 7:18AM.

“Michael started smoking really young. It was my fault. I smoked around him all the time, and left cigarettes laying around,” Said Charmaine Del, Michael’s mother. “He had decided he wanted to quit. We both did, and we heard the e-cigs were a good way to help. So I bought us both one to get started. He’d only been using it for about a week.”

Reports from the hospital were that Del had been using his e-cigarette while it was plugged into his truck, charging. E-cigarettets are small, pen-sized items that contain internal batteries, and smokers can add nicotine-infused flavor ‘cartridges’ into them. Just like a cell phone, the batteries can be charged, and most e-cigarettes come with USB charger similar to that of a phone.

The instructions for most e-cigarettes that have chargers insist that you do not try to use them while charging, but like most men Del apparently skipped the directions and opted to just try and figure out how they worked using trial-and-error. Unfortunately for him, the warnings posted on the package for this product were extremely important.

A representative for Black, INC., the manufacturer of the e-cigarette Del had purchased, released a statement expressing their condolences.

“We at Black are extremely saddened to learn that one of our products has caused the death of a customer. We are terribly sorry, as these unfortunate events are never easy for anyone. We send or deepest sympathies to his family. As this is the first such death from e-cigarettes though, we’d like to remind people that we’re still doing far better than Big Tobacco, whose death toll is in the millions.”

E-cigarettes have been a continued source of controversy since they first launched only a few short years ago, and the debate about their safety in comparison to a traditional cigarette has caused a stir in the medical community. This is the first death caused by e-cigarettes since their widespread use began in 2003.

Man Survives Suicide Attempt After Jumping From 20 Story Building

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington-

One lucky man almost met his death last Thursday evening, but apparently fate had other plans. A Seattle man, Frank Carpenter, is alive today after attempting to kill himself by jumping from the top of a city building.

Carpenter reportedly jumped off the top floor of the IBM building, which is a 20-story skyscraper in downtown Seattle. He still remains in the hospital with several broken bones, but doctors say that, unbelievably, he has no life-threatening injuries.

“When I jumped, every regret came to mind of how much my life could offer me. I had so many things going bad in my life, and I didn’t think there was any hope for me. My girlfriend left me, I lost my job, and Russell Wilson threw the worst pass I’ve ever seen to lose the Super Bowl,” said Carpenter, now smiling in his hospital bed. “Surviving this, I’ve just done a complete 180 on my outlook, and I am just happy to be breathing. I see now how great this world can be.”

Doctors say they have no idea how Carpenter survived the fall, but say that striking a business canopy before hitting the ground may have been enough to slow him down without causing instant death.

“It seems that most of the force was taken in his legs, and he has severely compacted bones in both ankles, feet, and knees. He also broke one arm, and severely sprained another. Amazingly, though, that’s about his only injuries, and we have performed surgery,” said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith. “With physical therapy, he should walk again just fine. Man, if he had jumped head first, he would be so dead right now.”

When asked him what was going through his mind when he hit the ground, Carpenter said “Ouch.”