Postal Worker Fired After Putting His Own Feces In Mailboxes

Posted on July 9, 2015 by JP

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

If you live in the Lexington-Fayette area and notice a strange smell coming from your mailbox, don’t attempt to get your mail. A mailman in the area has reportedly been arrested this week after being caught placing his own feces into several mailboxes on his normal route.

Peter Hill, age 45, was caught red-handed by a fellow mailman as he placed human excrement into a mailbox. Chief postal clerk Marion Dunn said she was completely taken aback when she saw Hill putting feces into mailboxes.

“The USPS had asked me to follow him, secretly, on his route one day,” said Dunn. “I did, and we didn’t make it past one house before [Hill] was squatting down, shitting on the ground, and then scooping it up and placing it in the mailbox. I followed him all day, and he did the same thing at 46 houses. To be honest, it was quite a feat. I know I can’t crap on demand like that.”

Hill tells Empire News that he wouldn’t change any of it, and would continue shitting in mailboxes even though he no longer works for the USPS.

“I don’t regret what I did at all, and to be honest I’m glad that I was arrested. It will give me plenty of free time to build up a bulk supply of feces. I was placing my poop in certain mailboxes of people I didn’t enjoy giving mail to. Some of the people left their dogs roam free and I would get attacked on the regular. Others would just do things that irked me like having messy front yards. I had to send a message, and I feel my message came across perfectly – you treat the mailman like shit, you get that right back in return,” said Hill

Doritos Announces A New Weed Infused Chip

Posted on July 7, 2015 by JP

PURCHASE, New York –

Fantastic news coming to those who enjoy the popular Frito Lay chip Doritos and those that also enjoy to smoke a bit of the refer. Coming to stores soon is a new style of the popular snack that will be infused with THC, the main chemical in marijuana.

Doritos and weed have been a popular duo for years now and the company decided to cut out the middle man and give the people what they want. With so many edible marijuana products on the selves, Frito Lay decided to take the leap and have told us they should have done it years ago.

We spoke to a Colorado man who was given a few bags of the new chip and claims while they were delicious and extremely fun, he wished he went about his experience a bit differently.

“I was asked to be in a test project for the new chip and I was pumped. They literally paid me to smoke weed and then eat weed, it was rad as hell. The chips tasted great, the buzz it gave me awesome, but there was one problem. I smoked a bong right before indulging in the chips and got the munchies real bad. The only thing I had to snack on was the weed infused Doritos and began to chop those down. I got in a weird cycle were I kept getting high and then hungry due to the THC in the chip. Finally, 2 days later I ran out of all the bags the test project gave me and my buzz finally wore off and I could wash he cheese residue off my hands and put pants on”

Lays has confirmed that they will be putting a warning label on the chips and children will not be able to buy the chips unless there parents give consent.

McDonalds Is Offering An Adult Happy Meal; Comes With Sex Toy

Posted on July 7, 2015 by JP

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

Fast food chain Mcdonalds has decided to run a controversial promotion that business experts say will either make of break the company. Coming this March Mcdonalds will be serving adult happy meals that come with a sandwich, fries, drink, and a sex toy.

The did do a focus group and a survey showed that 85 percent of the people they polled loved the idea of having a sex toy with their burger. The most popular was labeled as “The McGangBang” which included a Big Mac and a 12 inch dildo. While that did great with women customer, the men seemed to prefer the “Fist Fillet” a fish sandwich that including a large rubber vaginal mold. McDonalds claim the numbers for the “Fist Fillet” may not be to popular after lint season seeing how a lot of their customers are Catholic and eat a lot of fish during the holiday.

They have also addressed questions of how they plan on serving the adult happy meals and have decided to serve the meal with the toy in a black box so embarrassment and exposure will not be an issue.

All customers will be carded at the counter or drive-thru and must be at least 21 years olds to purchase the item.

Law Firm With Unfortunate Name Declares Bankruptcy

Posted on July 7, 2015 by DvanL

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

What’s in a name? Unfortunately for one Pittsburgh area law firm containing an unintentionally success-killing message, the answer is: everything.

The personal injury law firm of Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn, closed its doors last week and filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy after recent efforts to expand its client base fell short.

“I knew from the start that we shouldn’t have gone with alphabetical order,” said Patricia Bleedom, former partner in the recently shuttered law practice. “Truth be told, we tried all kinds of naming combinations, but none of them seemed to work. ‘Drye Rhunn’ was on the table for a bit, but with a name like that, it sounded like we weren’t ready to practice law, when in fact, we have over 45 years of combined experience!”

Partner Maxine Drye was the first to recommended a simple name change earlier this year when business began to taper off. “I came up with ‘Rhunn Partners’ but decided it sounded too much like sportswear. ‘The Drye Group’ was just, I don’t know – it just sounded sad. ‘Bleedom Limited Partners’ made me think of a commuter rail line, or something surgical,” she recalled. “We were going in circles.”

“We also considered ‘Rhunn Drye,’ she continued, “but that was like saying we couldn’t come up with any winning strategies for our clients. ‘Drye Bleedom’ didn’t sound approachable enough.”

“There was way too much talk about renaming the firm,” said LaVerne Rhunn. “We were wasting valuable time better spent chasing down accident victims and finding people who were maimed or injured on the job. I guess all that stationery we ordered is going to be used for scrap,” she mused, packing the remaining contents of her desktop into a shoebox. “We had a good run,” said Rhunn.

It’s not easy in the best of times to keep a business going,” commented Bleedom, “and with this economy, no matter how many clients you get who’ve suffered from medical side effects such as unwanted hair growth, impotence, insomnia, partial hearing loss, tinnitus, female ‘male pattern baldness,’ uncontrollable muscle movements, dropsy, temporary blindness, birth defects, itching, fever, rash, impotence, sneezing, congestion, wheezing, reverse asthma, high blood pressure, constipation and dry mouth, you reach a point where it’s just no fun anymore.”

So what’s next for Patty, Maxine, and LaVerne?

“We’ll probably do something together again, business-wise,” said Bleedom. We work so well together. The thing I’ll miss the most is the camaraderie – we had good harmony together.”

Drye looks forward to the change. “I’m always up for new challenges,” she said. And if these 2 gals over here want to try for something, I’m in!” she exclaimed, all smiles, with just a hint of sadness.

Rhunn was more philosophical about the turn of events. “Maybe it’s time to take a little step back and reexamine things,” she said. “I’ve always wanted to take up sculpting. Maybe I’ll try that. All I know is, when I’m through packing up, I’m going home, burying my head in a pint of Häagen-Dazs, turning off my phone, and catching up on my shows!”

Kotex And Google To Release New ‘Hands-Free’ Tampon

Posted on July 3, 2015 by DvanL

IRVING, Texas –

Kimberly-Clark, owner of the Kotex brand of feminine hygiene products, has teamed with the Google Corporation in developing the world’s first wirelessly controlled, hands-free tampon.

Marketed under the brand name “No Strings,” the tampon works in conjunction with an Android app that controls insertion and ejection when a numerical code is entered into a smartphone.

“It’s leading-edge technology,” says Florence Duval, marketing director for Kimberly-Clark. “During Word War I, nurses on the battlefield used Kimberly-Clark’s cotton wadding in many innovative ways, and today, we’re once again revolutionizing the industry.”

How does it work?

“When it’s that time of the month,” explained Duval, “the user places one of our individually packaged, disposable applicators between the knees. Each single-use applicator is imprinted with a 4-digit activation code. When the code is entered into your smartphone’s keypad, a spring-loaded apparatus safely inserts the tampon. Spit-spot! It’s as easy as that!”

When the time comes for removal, simply re-enter the code, followed by the ‘star’ key (*). An innovative new fiber optic microchip woven deep within the tampon responds to the signal and activates release.

“No muss, no fuss!” says Duval. It’s easy, convenient, and designed for today’s on-the-go women who take advantage of every minute of every day – every day of the month!”

“And it’s completely safe,” adds Duval. “My young niece tried it out and she told me “Aunt Flo, I love it! It keeps my hands free for all my texting, chatting, and tweeting. I like having my own code number – it’s neat. It makes me feel all grown up inside.”

What happens if my activation code gets lost?

“In case you forget or misplace the code, simply call 1-268-866-7669 (1-COT-TON-PONY), and press the “pound” key (#). Our command center will recognize your device, and an audible tone will be generated. When the phone is placed near the feminine region, the product is ejected.”

What about security? Can my tampon be hacked? Should I worry about viruses?

“Our quality control process guarantees the security and integrity of your tampon through the use of an advanced firewall. No unauthorized person can break through.”

What if I get stuck in the rain? Is there a risk of an electrical shock? Can I swim with it?

“The microchip fibers are sealed and insulated, so you’re protected against bodily injury or harm. You can swim, practice gymnastics, or even go horseback riding.”

Kimberly-Clark is proud to spearhead this new initiative,” says Duval, “This is just one more way we’re proud to say, ‘Live Your Life With No Strings Attached!”

“More and more women are putting their business in our hands,” says Duval. “Not so long ago, when it came to the subject of feminine hygiene, women remained tight-lipped. Today, we’re much more open between the legs. Sales figures for our first quarter are encouraging, and this is just the beginning! There’s nowhere to go but up!”

New Retail Chain Opens Aimed At Rich Customers; $100 Dollar Stores

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

A savvy retail operator has opened several new locations in Hollywood, Los Angeles, and Beverly Hills, a counter to what he calls “poor people places.”

“I visited my friends in New York, and it was ghastly,” said Miles Hardin, a boutique owner in Los Angeles. “I couldn’t believe the places they that shopped. The had stores out there called…I can barely say the words…Dollar. Stores. Oh my God, it was frightening! But it did get me thinking about a new line of stores I could open out here. So I opened my first $100 Dollar Store in January, and business has been booming!”

Hardin says that much like a dollar store, everything in his shops are one price – $100 even.

“It’s really simple economics. In dollar stores, they sell shit, made for pennies and marked up to $1.00,” said Hardin. “In my store, we sell cheap shit made for pennies, and mark it way, way up to $100. It’s a much better idea, and with the amount of money people have in California, they are flocking to my stores.”

Hardin says many celebrities visit his shops, including Jim Carrey, Kylie Minogue, and Chris Pratt.

“Pratt, he came in and bought a tablet cover. $100, out the door,” said Hardin. “He could have got the same one on the East Coast at a .99 cent store, but no. Rich people have rich tastes, no matter how down-to-Earth they are. It was cute though. A pink and purple tablet cover with Groot on it. He had a good laugh.”

Hardin says that he plans to expand to other rich areas in the country, including Silicon Valley and Bill Gate’s living room and master bathroom.

Yankee Candle Releases New ‘Cat Piss’ and ‘Homeless Wanderer’ Scents

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SOUTH DEERFIELD, Massachusetts –

Yankee Candle Company, one of the largest retailers of specicialty candles in the world, has recently announced a new line of ‘horrible smelling’ candles, which they will begin selling in their retail locations in the summer.

“We have been known for having long-lasting, sweet and almost delicious smelling candles for years,” said Yankee Candle spokesman Kyle Durkins. “Our Yankee Smellentists have been hard at work in the lab for months, seeking to create our new line, which we hope will be for those of our customers who want to try something a little different.”

Durkins says that among the new line of candles will be scents such as ‘Cat Piss,’ ‘Homeless Wanderer,’ ‘Dog Shit,’ and ‘Sweaty Pubic Hair.’

“We really wanted to get a vast variety of smells out there, and for years, our customers were asking us, ‘Hey Yankee, when are you going to make a bad candle for once?!’ We certainly didn’t want to let down our fans, so our new like of Yankee Skanky Candles will be released starting in June.”

“Personally, I can’t wait to get my hands on ‘Hot Garbage’ and ‘Next Morning Mexcian,'” said frequent Yankee Candle shopper Carlie Frost, 33. “My family loves their current smells so much, I can only imagine what something like ‘Fart Forrest’ might smell like. It’s like collecting memories, that’s how I think of it!”

Durkins said that they are accepting pre-orders for their candles in stores and on their website.

New Dating Website ‘WhitePeopleMeet.Com’ Causing Controversy After Launch Last Week

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A new Silicon Valley start-up is already making waves after a soft launch of their website was completed last week. The new website, whitepeoplemeet.com, is a dating website based around only people who are 100% Caucasian, and automatically filters out anyone who isn’t white based on choices made during account setup, and also using face-matching software when a user uploads their images.

“If our system sees a black face is uploaded by a user, that account will automatically be locked until as such time the user can prove that they are white, or it will be deleted completely if they are, in fact, found to be of another ethnicity,” said site creator and designer, Jeb Michaels. “We want this website to be designed and aimed specifically at the white crowd. It’s not about being racist, it’s just about white people wanting to find other white people to date and sleep with.”

Michaels says that for people who are fussing over his website, they are not understanding the true point of what he is trying to accomplish.

“There are plenty of black-oriented things out there. They’ve got their BET Network. They’ve got BlackPeopleMeet.com – there’s no law that says I can’t do the same things, and focus on the beauty, culture, and heritage of the white person,” said Michaels. “We already have a very strong userbase built up, made up of white folks who want to date other white folks. It’s definitely not odd to be attracted only to someone of the same skin color as you.”

“Personally, I think it’s extremely racist,” said Paul Jemarcus, 28, an African-American from Queens, New York. “It’s not that I want to be on some white-bread dating website or something, but to be fair, I really like those big white-girl asses, and you can’t find a lot of those on blackpeoplemeet.com. Guess it’s just sticking with Tinder for now. I hope this new website get shut down.”

So far, Michaels says that they have signed up more than 25,000 people for their service, and have received only 18,000 hate emails and death threats.

Several Movie Theaters Begin Showing TV Broadcasts To Boost Revenue

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In hopes of competing with the growing trend of watching movies and TV at home via streaming services and DVDs, several small, independent movie theatres are now trying a drastic change in programming to get people through the door.

“Yup, we’re airing TV shows now every day during the day,” said theater owner Marlon Jones of Los Angeles. “It used to be that we packed the auditoriums every night, especially on weekends, and we made tons of money. Now it seems people would rather stay home and watch TV shows or Netflix series. We need to change with the times.”

Jones says he decided to start showing TV series and Netflix originals a few months ago, and his first go-round was with Daredevil, the new series that was just released to Netflix.

“We had tons of people flocking in to watch that on the big screen,” said Jones. “That show is very impressive, and no doubt plenty of people watched it at home on their big screens, but it’s nothing like seeing it on a screen of this size.”

Jones says that he is preparing to exhibit other programs as well, including daytime talk shows and TV soaps.

“I know it will be weird seeing Ellen on the big screen again, since she hasn’t made a movie in 20 years, but it will also be fun,” said Jones. “I’ll get all the old biddies in here to watch Ellen or The View or whatever. They’ll pay for it, no doubt about it. It’s the experience, after all.”

Jones says that he will continue to air these TV shows in his theater until he is told to stop by the networks.

“Oh, I definitely didn’t ask for permission. God no. They’d want money, and they don’t need it. I need it. It’s all for the greater good,” said Jones.

New Panties That Prevent Pregnancy and STIs

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

QUEENS, New York –

Dirty sluts, rejoice! Protective panties are coming to a bathroom vending machine or sex shop near you. New Woman’s Choice brand medicated underwear are predicted to replace condoms as the preferred contraceptive method for the one night stand.

You can slip these discreet underwear on up to six hours before intercourse, and they will help protect a woman against pregnancy and many sexually transmitted infections.

The special undergarment is coated in a blend of antibiotics, spermicide, and pesticide, which is up to 99% effective against chlamydia and gonorrhea, pregnancy, and pubic lice. It must be worn for at least 80 minutes before sex for maximum protection.

It does not prevent the transmission of viruses like herpes or HIV, and is not intended to be used regularly.

Clinical trial participant, Joulee Brown says she is thrilled about the product. “A lot of brothas complain they can’t keep it up with a condom on, and sometimes I’m so drunk I forget the risks. If I’m going out to the club I put the sheer pink panties under my regular ones, and in the morning I don’t have to worry, What happened last night? I can’t wait until I can pick them up at Walgreens.”