Google Reveals New X-Ray Glasses At San Francisco Gadget Expo

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

The 2014 Gadget Expo is a regular ‘Nerd Nirvana,’ with all the latest gadgets and gizmos on display for people to check out, try out, and plan their 2015 tech purchases. Many new products created plenty of excitement such as Apple’s iWatch and Alienware’s 3D laptop. But the one product that stole the show was Google’s new X-Ray glasses, which the company is already planning for a 2015 release.

“We all remember the ads in the back of comics. You could get sea monkeys or paper dolls. But the most popular ad was for X-Ray glasses. Of course, those glasses were a disappointment when they came in the mail, but it created a dream in the minds of a generation,” said Larry Page, Google CEO. “Now, some of those disappointed boys are the smartest engineers in the world, and they work here at Google. Ladies and gentlemen, those same young honor society nerds that dreamed of seeing through girls clothes have done it, and we now have real X-Ray glasses! Pending some safety issues, Google X-Googles will be available next year!”

“It’s true, the X-Ray glasses work perfectly, and with different settings, you can see through garments, skin and bones, and even walls,” said Product manager Harold Harris. “We see this as a great development that will no doubt have untold advantages in the fields of medicine and law enforcement. The safety tweaks are happening now, as the one Mr. Page spoke of is actually quite serious. Currently, the X-Ray glasses have a 100% brain tumor rate on wearers. Unfortunately, the threat of brain tumors is not stopping the engineers on the project from wearing the glasses to spy on female employees. I guess for them seeing a girl naked is worth a brain tumor. At the rate engineers are dropping out for sickness or straight-up dropping dead, the tweaks may take a little longer to fix than expected.”

Despite possible setbacks in health-related risks and fatalities by wearers, Google still plans to release the new X-ray glasses as soon as possible. “We know that Google Glass was just the beginning for what we’re calling or Google Spectacles Division,” said Page. “All those people out there wearing our current product will certainly be interested in our new Google X-Googles. We can’t wait for them to all go from becoming Glassholes to Raytards.”

Taylor Swift To Put Music Career On Hold, Plans on Attending College

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

Taylor Swift, the biggest name in pop and country at the moment shocked fans, promoters and the entire music industry today when she cancelled her world tour. Swift announced in a statement that ‘there’s nothing more important than education,’ and she plans on attending college starting this January in time for the spring semester.

“I hope my fans support my decision, I’m not the first star to put a career on hold,” said Swift. “Jodie Foster went to Yale, Natalie Portman went to Harvard, and Emma Watson went to Brown. If they could put their careers on hold to get an education, so can I. As a role model to millions of young girls, I feel it’s my duty to show the importance of education. So I’ll be going to a little school in Boston that maybe some of you have heard of, to pursue my life long dream.”

According to Swift and her management, going to school is the only thing that’s kept her back from becoming the biggest musician of all-time, as opposed to just one of the biggest musicians of all-time.

“Because I want to live this dream, today I am proud to announce I was accepted to Boston’s Medford Community College School of Dog Grooming. I will be starting this January, for a grueling 6 months of courses to achieve my certificate, but I know with the support of God and my fans, I can do it. I want to let my fellow students know even though I may be the only one going to a commuter school in a limo, I’m just a regular down-home country girl at heart.”

“I’m really, really sad that she’s not going to be singing anymore,” said Amy Anderson, a 12-year-old fan. “6 months is like a lifetime away from making music, but I’m happy for her. Well I’m more sad for me than happy for her. I don’t know how I feel. My Mom and Dad are both doctors, and they wanted me to be a doctor. I wanted to be a singer like Taylor, but now I guess I want to be a dog groomer like Taylor.”

Porn Star Sues After Being Prematurely Blasted In The Face

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

SAN FERNANDO, California –

Porn star Helen Humps filed suit today claiming she was blasted in the face prematurely while shooting a scene in her upcoming movie The Fast and The Facial. Randy Rams, her co-star, could not be reached for comment, but a close friend stated that Randy was trying to forget the incident.

“It all happened about four months ago, and I haven’t been able to get work since, I’m physically and emotionally damaged,” said Helen Humps, whose real name is Helen Lovecock. ”It started out a normal day on set. I was working on The Fast and the Facial and everybody was excited, I mean this was a big time movie. This was my first film that had a script, and my first film that wasn’t shot, edited and released all in the same day. I was hoping that this was the one that was going to make me a star.”

As it turns out, an uncommon malfunction on the film set would cost Humps her big break in pornographic films.

“Randy and I were shooting a scene in the front seat of a Honda Civic – I was in driver’s seat because I played the ‘bad girl’ racer. Right as I was about to go down on Randy – BLAST! Right in my face! The airbag exploded, and the car wasn’t even moving. The impact broke my nose and chipped my tooth. I screamed, Randy screamed, blood was pouring out my nose, it was horrible. Now look at me. It’s been four months, and even all healed up I still have a crooked nose, and the chipped tooth ended up falling out completely. It’s not like porn stars have a health plan, and no one will hire me. That’s why I’m suing Honda for medical costs and loss of wages.”

Lawyers for Honda would not comment on active lawsuits, but did release a statement claiming that prop cars are not covered under warranty.

Pope Francis Changes His Stance On Homosexuality, Gives Blessing On Gay Marriage

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Abe Abrams

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

In a stunning move yesterday, Pope Francis has had a major reversal on his position of gay marriage. As leader of the Catholic Church, his blessing of gay marriage has upended an almost 2000 year position on the subject. Throughout the world, gay and lesbian Catholic couples celebrated the Pope’s change of heart. Here in the United States, this will no doubt influence many states to finally legalize gay marriage.

“For too many years, the church has excluded a whole segment of the population. I see now that this was wrong and I humbly ask for forgiveness,” said His Holiness, Pope Francis, in a written statement. “I would like to thank the special, anonymous person that changed my mind, for the DVD they sent me changed my life. They know who they are. I now see that the love gay couples share is equal to the love all couples share. I would also like to thank Miss Sasha Grey and Miss Raven Riley for the film they made, Lessons In Lesbian Licking 14, as it has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I have ordered Lessons 1-13 now as well, for I feel it is my obligation to explore those that have been neglected by the Church. I have sent numerous messages to Miss Grey and Miss Riley for them to come visit me here at the Vatican, but I have yet to get a response. It is my hope this message reaches them.”

“It’s fabulous! Just super-fab!” said Larry Lance, an openly gay man in San Diego. “If the Pope was here right now, I would kiss that silly hat of his. Turns out he’s a horny old man, but who cares?! God bless him! Today I’m proud to say ‘I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m Catholic!’”

New Evidence Reveals True Purpose of Great Wall Of China

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BEIJING, China –

Researchers have uncovered new evidence revealing the true purpose of the Great Wall of China. Built largely by the Ming Dynasty, long-standing belief has always been that it was built to keep out invading Mongols hordes.

“Started in the 7th century, and finished by the Ming Dynasty, the Great Wall of China has had many different theories as to what was its true purpose. As many as one million people died in its construction, and their remains became part of the wall,” said Archaeologist Richard Reginald. “Through DNA testing of bones found in the wall, and analysis of artifacts found in the wall, we believe that we have finally identified the true purpose of the wall.”

According to Reginald, DNA analysis of bones in the wall prove that the workers were of non-Chinese ethnicity. “The only conclusion,” said Reginald, “is that the Great Wall of China was built by cheap Mexican labor for the sole purpose of keeping out Mexicans and other ‘unwanteds.'”

”See I was right, I’ve been saying this all along, what we need is a great wall of America,” said Senator Ted Cruz upon hearing the news. “It worked for the Chinese, obviously – there isn’t a damn Mexican in China, that’s for sure. It can work for us. We can the get the illegals to build it cheap, and when it’s done, we will throw them a big party and say ‘Congratulations, Amigos, how’s it look on the Mexico side?’ and when they go look, we slam the gate on them! It’s ideas like this that will make me a perfect candidate to be the next President.”

President Obama’s Birth Certificate Sells For $3.4 Million At Auction

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

At a political fundraising auction Monday night, the only known copy of President Obama’s birth certificate sold for a whopping $3.4 million dollars to a private bidder. The bids from Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump both fell short in a bidding war that raised money for the DNC. Speculation as to who actually was the highest bidder ranges from ultra-liberal George Soros, to the Republic of China.

“I don’t know who bought my birth certificate, nor do I care, although I’m sure conservative conspiracies theories will keep FOX NEWS busy for months to come,” said President Obama. “The reason I’m here today is to announce a new alliance with Iran. I am lifting all restrictions on their nuclear enrichment programs. After talking to Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, I have decided that he has many valid points, and he has convinced me on his views of the holocaust being a lie, and that the Jews are the root of all evil in the world. On Khamenei advice, the United States will no longer recognize the State of Israel and I will stand with him in declaring Israelis as unlawful occupiers of the holy land. I would like to stress my changed stand on Iran has nothing to do with my birth certificate. Khamenei is just a very well-spoken person who has changed my mind on some things. He certainly didn’t buy my birth certificate and is blackmailing me with its information, and anyone who says otherwise is a racist.”

“It is clear our country has just been sold to the highest bidder,” said Republican talk radio show host Rush Limbaugh. ”President Hussein Obama has signed a death certificate for our closest friends, the Israelis, just to protect his dirty little secret that he is not a natural-born citizen. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States is being blackmailed by a foreign government. It should’ve been me who won the bidding, and then this wouldn’t be happening. I told Trump we should pool our money and team up in the bidding, but that guys ego is bigger than his buildings.”

Burger King To Offer Late-Night ‘Stoner’ Menu For Marijuana Smoking Patrons

Posted on November 17, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BRUNSWICK, New Jersey –

Failing fast food giant Burger King announced today a new late-night menu targeted directly at stoners and drunks. Burger King’s decision is, of course, purely profit driven, which come as no surprise. The company’s honesty on the subject is what has industry insiders scratching their heads.

“We decided not to beat around the bush – if you’re out buying fast food after 1 am, you’re either drunk or stoned. With that in mind, we are unveiling our new late-night menu that we are simply dubbing the ‘Stoned Selection,'” said Bill Baron, Burger King CEO. ”Let’s face it – we are not the first to do this, we’re just the first to be open about why we’re doing it. Taco Bell’s entire menu is aimed at pot smokers, and Papa John’s new Sriracha hot sauce and Fritos Pizza screams ‘I’ve got the weed munchies.'”

“We have partnered with other companies in an effort to give the pot-heads all the best foods for eating while high,” said director of marketing Greg Hause. “The menu will only have two choices to keep it simple, because research shows anything more than 2 will bring the average 17-year-old who is high as a kite to a decision-making standstill. The two menu items will be either Hot Pockets and Bugles, or Bagel Bites and Ho-Hos. The only drink option is going to be a large Mountain Dew, naturally. In the test markets of Colorado and New York, our ‘Stoned Selection’ menu has been a huge success, and we plan to go nationwide by the end of the year.”

“It’s the best,” said Matt Martino, a 16-year-old weed smoker in Denver. ”I don’t remember what I had, but I remember it being really good. Me and my friend were going to go to Taco Bell, but that menu is too confusing man. Last time we went there we stared at the menu so long, the place closed before we got our order in. It was kind of epic.”

Jeopardy! Producers Claim Ken Jennings Cheated During His Epic Show Run

Posted on November 16, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BURBANK, California –

Ken Jennings, the longest-running Jeopardy! champion in the history of the game show, who won 74 straight Jeopardy games in a row, has been accused of cheating by producers of the popular series. After pouring over hours of taped footage, producers have made a spectacular discovery, and they say they are asking for the astounding $3,196,300 Jennings won during his run back.

“After receiving an anonymous tip from someone who only identified themselves as Hal, we decided to do an investigation,” said Brad Butters, executive producer of Jeopardy! “After going over hours of game footage, along with backstage footage of Ken in our green room, certain patterns became clear to us. Mr. Jennings, who spent over 125 hours in our sound studio never once used the bathroom, and in our green room – where contestants spend most of their time – Jennings never once ate or drank anything from our free buffet. This seemed extremely odd to us.”

“Game footage revealed that, despite being under bright studio lights, Ken never once blinked or had a drop of sweat anywhere on his brow,” said Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek. “As the producers researched his footage, they also noticed that in game 53 of Ken’s winning streak, competing contestant Brenda Bush was having a sort of ‘wardrobe malfunction’ that caused many nip-slips, and he never even once glanced over to her. I say that it definitely proves that Ken Jennings is not a man at all, and that he must be an android being.”

“By the rules of the game, Ken cheated. Line 43 of the Jeopardy application clearly states that all contestants must be human, and that any sort of cyborg or android beings are strictly prohibited,” said Butters. “We have made numerous calls to Ken to get back our $3 million dollars, but all we get when we call him is that annoying fax machine-type sound you used to get prior to everyone having a cell phone.”

“Being accused of cheating does not compute,” said Jennings in a statement to the Associated Press when news of the possible scandal reached his home. “I was not programmed to cheat, therefore I cannot. It’s not a possibility. Thus ends my comments on the accusations, as it is time for me to recharge.”

Kanye West Insists On Nobel Prize, Claims He ‘Brings Peace’ Everywhere He Goes

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper, songwriter, record producer, director, fashion designer, entrepreneur and now – world’s only chance for peace? Singer Kanye West has been on a rampage in the media the last several days, proclaiming that he deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

“Obama won one, and he drops bombs on people. You give me a peace prize and I promise I won’t drop bombs on anyone, I’ll just drop killer beats. I’m tired of being snubbed for awards. Did Kanye win a CMA? No. Did Kanye win a Emmy? No. Do I deserve those awards? Of course I do, I’m Kanye West,” said West in an interview with Kanye West magazine.

“You drop my CDs in the Middle East, and people be too busy dancing, they won’t have time to fight. Kanye is about love, just ask Kim, if I can keep that giant booty happy, I can keep ISIS happy. It just makes sense. I deserve to win that peace prize thing. Kanye deserves all awards, because I’m a genius, and it’s only the haters and the racists keeping Kanye down. If I do a show in Jerusalem – peace! If I do a show in Afghanistan – peace! If I do a show in China – peace! It just makes sense. People don’t get it. Norwegians don’t get it. Wherever Kanye goes, peace and love follow. Except for Oakland, that always ends up in a shooting, but that ain’t Kanye’s fault.”

“I’m not sure who Kanye West is, but unfortunately for him, nominations had to be submitted by July,” said Hans Hammarskjold, chairman of the Nobel Prize committee. “We take all our prizes very seriously, and as for his reference to President Obama’s Peace Prize, we have asked for it back but the White House has not returned our calls.”

NY Giants Football Team Name Protested by ‘Little People’

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Abe Abrams

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey –

It may be hard to see and you may look over it, but if you tilt your head down what you will see are angry little people. Little people ranging from short to ridiculously short have been holding protest outside of the Giants’ home MetLife Stadium for the past week.

“We got the idea from Native Americans protesting the Redskins. If they can be offended, so can we,” said President of the Short and Proud Group Paul Learylocks. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Giants fan through and through, but the embarrassment I feel when I put on a jacket that says ‘Giants’ on the back, it hurts, not to mention the look of disappointment from my wife and kids.”

“He’s not the only one offended at the name Giants, just look around, we have had no less than 20 protesters here since Sunday,” said Short and Proud Group’s vice president, Neil Prescott. “The support we are getting through the mail and internet fills my huge heart with pride; this is more than just a protest, this is a movement. So far we have yet to hear from the NY Giants or the NFL, and this is the first anyone from the media has even asked why we were protesting. I’m sure any day now our little protest will start a media firestorm and the Giants will be forced to change their name. I’m also sure any day now Obama will stick his nose in where it doesn’t belong, just like he did with the Redskin protest. Me, personally, I think the name New York Leprechauns would be a name people of all sizes could be proud of.”

When asked about the protest, NY Giants general manager Jerry Reese seemed confused.

“What? I never even knew anyone had a problem with the name – it’s certainly news to me. Well, the hell with that. Football is a game meant for normal size people, anyway. You know what ”