USPS To Begin Offering E-Mail Services This Summer

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An announcement from the United States Postal Service (USPS), stating that the long-running industry will begin delivering emails this summer, has been greeted with approval and enthusiasm. Pundits say that it’s about time the USPS catches up with the rest of the world, and fans of the public service are overjoyed that it has found a way to stay relevant.

“It’s fantastic that the Postal Service will remain with us for eons to come,” said Martha McConaughey, user of the post for over eight decades. “Frankly, I think the new-fangled email post is far too complicated and unnecessary – after all, we’ve used post for centuries. But it’s being embraced by young generations, and we oldies worried that our favorite means of communication would be discontinued. This way, it remains working with the email post service a sideshow.”

Google chairman, Eric Schmidt, has expressed his effusive acknowledgement of the next chapter in US postal history.

“We have been looking for a new carrier of emails and the USPS is better than we could have imagined,” he wrote in a pop-up note to Gmail users. “The load that Gmail processes is becoming too much for our current contractors to deliver, and we trust that the country’s faithful servant will find a way to deliver emails in the fastest, most efficient way possible.”

There have been other reasons that Google have been looking for a new delivery system. According to GStats.org, over 2% of emails get delivered to the wrong people, and online vouchers get lost in the post. Sometimes the email will arrive with the voucher having fallen out. Martha McConaughey shared her shock story with us.

“I sent my grandson an email with a voucher for the iTunes for $20. Two months passed without it arriving, and I had to send him a new one! I couldn’t believe the negligence which it was treated with, and Google weren’t sympathetic at all to my concerns. They called young Harry a liar! Can you believe that?”

Ben Affleck: ‘Matt Damon Will Always Be My True Robin’

Posted on March 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

When Ben Affleck was cast as Batman for the upcoming addition to the superhero franchise, Batman Vs Superman, the big question on everyone’s lips was, “Huh?” The next question was, who else will star in the series? In October, speculation grew that Jena Malone will play the Dark Knight’s sidekick, Robin.

At the time, the discussion focused on the casting of a female in the iconic role. But as interest in the feminist side died down, the public began to wonder about the status of Affleck’s well-known bromance with Matt Damon. After the ensuing social media storm, Affleck has finally had his say on the matter.

“Matt will always be my Robin,” the Argo star said. “Nothing will come between us, not even some feminoid playing his part.”

Matt Damon spoke to the media with a brave face. Clearly hurting inside, he stated defiantly that it did not bother him.

“I don’t care,” he said. “Who’s Ben Affleck to me? The days of Good Will Hunting and the like are long gone.”

Soon, however, the Bourne star broke down.

“When he played Daredevil, he said the only reason I couldn’t be his sidekick was because they hadn’t written one into the script. But how about now? Robin… Robin was meant to be… I can’t do this anymore.”

Affleck tried to calm his best friend down by insisting that he hadn’t had a say in who played which characters. When this approach failed, he organized an airplane to fly over Damon’s house, trailing a banner with the words, “Matt, you will always be my Robin, no matter what they say.”

Damon has since told the media that everything is resolved, especially since “Ben told me he’s gonna direct his own Batman series when this is done, and then I’ll play the part that was always meant to be mine.”

Toy Story Sequel To Be A Love Story Between Woody and Buzz

Posted on March 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

There have been many doubters of Pixar’s decision to release a further sequel in the “Toy Story” franchise, but most have been silenced by emerging details of the basic plot outline. According to sources at the computer animation film studio, the storyline has developed into a love story between Woody Allen and Buzz Aldrin.

“I think many fans have wanted to see how that could play out,” said confused Pixar CEO Robert Iger. “It’s a new age in which gay relationships are not only tolerated but approved of, and the sexual tension between the neurotic Jewish wit and the iconic astronaut has been clear throughout the series.”

According to Iger, other subplots will see Andy Samberg, the toys’ owner, return from college to play with his newly coupled duo. Sid Vicious, deceased member of the Sex Pistols and the main antagonist of the franchise, will return in his role as a garbage man determined to see homosexuality outlawed.

“Andy and Sid will fight a long legal battle over the right of the lovelorn toys to get married,” director John Lasseter revealed. “The adorable baby-faced, Jew-fro’d singer and actor will utilize the music of his band Lonely Island to play on the judges’ emotions. In particular, he’ll use their hit Spring Break, which juxtaposes the amorality of societally approved debauchery and the sanctity that can be drawn out when a man ‘marries a man’.”

Sid Vicious, on the other hand, will use his music to try and prove that liberal values can cause Anarchy in the UK.

On the point of the character of Sid being dead, writers say that it has not been a problem in the first three films.

“I think it added to Sid’s cruelty,” said screenplay writer, Joss Whedon. “He’s dead and does not care about anything, just as in life. It’s a nice twist to the classic story of dead conservatives hating on gays.”

“What the hell is everyone talking about?” said 8-year-old Joey Goldsmith. “I don’t think that anyone making this new movie saw the old movies. All these people they are talking about are not in the other movies. I really wanted to see it before, but now it just doesn’t make sense. I’d rather just watch Up again I guess.”

Tom Hanks Stars in Forgotten Singer’s Music Video

Posted on March 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Beloved actor Tom Hanks’ latest role has been revealed and it’s a weird step sideways. He’s appeared in the music video for the new single of Carly Rae Jepson – a singer who many thought was better left forgotten. If you don’t recognize the name, you might recognize the ear worming chorus of 20-something-or-other hit, Call Me Maybe.

Now that that particular annoying tune is stuck in your head, you might want to head to YouTube, where you can find the unwanted comeback of the irritating nobody. Tom Hanks is one of the few enthusiasts.

“I really love that Carly’s making a comeback,” he told MTV. “She’s one of the great forgotten artist’s of our time. That song, Call Me Baby I think it was, was totes amazing. And the music video in which I think she hooks up with a car wash attendant – what a classic.”

#NeuralyzeUsFromCarlyRae is trending on Twitter, making reference to the device used in the Men In Black movies to cause people to forget specific incidents or knowledge.

“i had jst abt frgtn that fukn bitch. wy did she hafto cumbak” wrote loosewhore21.

“Obscurity – an island in the north where one hit wonders should settle” wrote a somewhat more eloquent TheRealKaiserWilhelm.

Fans of Tom Hanks have expressed their disappointment in bringing Jepson back into our lives. They believe that without his cameo, her music video would have passed under the radar, leaving us immune to her latest ear worm.

“The worst part is, it’s Tom Hanks whose career this reflects most on,” said lifelong fan, Hom Tanks. “If he’d appeared on a Lonely Island track, like all the cool stars do, that would be a step up. But this is hitting rock bottom. The only mitigating factor would be if it turns out he had an affair with her and she blackmailed him. That’s the only way my faith in Tom will ever be fully restored.”

At press time, Hanks had denied any lude affairs, saying, “I simply want to help a young girl – whoever thinks old dudes have sexual agendas with young girls is a pervert.”

iTunes Outages Makes Users Irate After Being Unable To Give Apple Money For Hours

Posted on March 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CUPERTINO, California –

Apple fans around the world were left irate on Wednesday, after an extended global outage hit the iTunes and app stores. The stores were down for twelve hours, during which supporters of the massive tech corporation were unable to conveniently give Apple their money.

“I spend thousands of dollars on that store every month,” said angry Macbook user, John Jonson. “It’s only right that they let me continue my unhealthy financial habit of pouring money into a multi-billion dollar company no matter what circumstances.”

Harriet Herring agreed, echoing Jonson’s sentiments.

“A full half a day was wasted, in which I had no way of buying music and television series I could easily torrent for free,” she ranted. “It’s ten miles to the nearest Apple reseller; how am I meant to get there to find other ways of paying exorbitant prices for great looking products?”

Defenders of the brand dismissed the complaints, saying that Apple loves receiving customers’ money, and would not dream of letting them down if it could be avoided. Furthermore, bringing in money is one of their most important services, even part of their mysterious constitution.

Apple CEO Tim Cook apologized for the outage, but reminded fans that the corporate giants have just released many other products to spend their money on.

“Apple Watch has just come out,” he said at an emergency press conference. “There’s so many great options, including the Apple Watch Edition, available for a whopping $10 000. That’s way way more expensive than anything you can get on the iTunes store. At least 3 times as expensive.”

But critics say that the “mishap” was just another way in which Apple continually, purposefully, let their customer base down.

“People want to give them money, and what do they do? They take away the possibility,” said and irritated Roger Walters. “They’re exerting their control, showing who’s boss. Basically saying you’ll only give us money when we decide to let you. A company with such influence over modern day society should provide better. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.”

Robin Thicke and Pharrell Among Thousands of Artists Under Fire for ‘Similar Sounding’ Songs

Posted on March 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Pop artists beware! After a landmark ruling went against Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams for making music that sounded vaguely similar to any number of Marvin Gaye songs, thousands of other commercial musicians are under the threat of similar lawsuits. Gaye’s family brought the copyright suit against Thicke and Williams for their track “Blurred Lines,” which the artists say was going for a 70s/80s sound.

The ruling is cause for concern among the commercial music market as, according to Warner Music CEO Stephen Cooper, “all pop music sounds somewhat alike. Nothing completely new has been made in the pop industry for decades. There’s a simple reason for it – certain sounds are what people like, and most of those sounds have already been done at some point since recording music became possible.”

Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars are particularly worried about the verdict. Their massive hit “Uptown Funk” draws heavily on funk music, and any number of the genre’s artists could claim that it sounds sort of similar.

“We were just trying to make a cool song,” said Ronson. “And yes, it didn’t come entirely from a background of knowing absolutely no music that could possibly sound similar to a funk rhythm with repetitive lyrics. But we’re not nearly talented enough for that. Pharrell? He’s even further away from that talent.”

Record companies are already dropping some of the biggest artists of our day. Iggy Azalea has been dropped from her label, for sounding “too much like some black rapper.” Beyonce has been dropped for sounding “similar in some songs to Janet Jackson.” Jay-Z has been dropped for sounding like Kanye West sometimes. Kanye West has been dropped for sounding like Jay-Z on occasion. And everyone else has been dropped after it was noticed that most of them had drawn on influences from The Beatles, and The Rolling Stones, and other iconic bands.

Nickleback is apparently next in line for court action, as they sound almost exactly like Nickleback did in 1999.

Google Plans 48-Hour Shutdown Of All Websites In April

Posted on March 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CUPERTINO, California –

Bad news for users of the internet around the globe. Google has announced that they will implement a 48-hour shutdown in April, which will cause their search engine, YouTube, and several other major websites to go dark, but have left the specific dates of the blackout unknown.

It is not clear how long the plan has been in place, or if anyone within the company knows what the specific details are, but what is certain is that its a thought-out move on the corporation’s part that has been kept a very careful secret.

“What we know is that there are three Google employees who know what the dates are,” said Secret Service agent Mark Luncent. “What we don’t know is whether those three are allowed to fly on a plane together, ride the same bus, or if they have cyanide implanted in a false tooth which they can swallow if anyone gets too close to the truth.”

Technological news source Slashdot have released an op-ed on Google’s announcement, calling it a “mastermind of business strategy.”

“We don’t know why they’re doing it,” read the editorial. “But we know it will cause chaos, riots, and general panic. It will definitely display the disproportionate power Google has over us. And it definitely has us excited.”

However, not all sources are happy to go along with Google’s “whims”. TechCrunch suggested in their own editorial that “[they’re] just doing it to fuck with us. They’re like a child with a magnifying glass, burning ants alive, or like God having sex with our ears while we sleep. It’s for their own sick pleasure, I have no doubt about it. I for one am not going to stand for it. What do they expect me to do? Use Yahoo! search? Or, oh my God – an actual encyclopedia?”

Google spokesman Richard Altavista says that there is no reason to panic, and that the downtime is for a “higher purpose,” and will “go by quickly.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be back really fast. So for all the people who use Google search every day, or cruise YouTube videos, or have Android phones, don’t worry – that 48 hours will just zoom on by. Maybe while we’re out, you could have a real conversation with a real human being, or something.”

Show’s Writers No Longer Sure Why ‘Family Guy’ Still Exists

Posted on March 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Writers for the popular animated sitcom, Family Guy, have admitted that they have no idea why the series still exists. The show is currently in its 13th season, and does not look like it will be slowing down soon. The premise consists of a family of five and their talking dog Brian, experiencing mishaps while non-sequitur flashbacks tell one or two line jokes.

“I don’t know what we were ever doing, let alone what we’re doing now,” said Mike Henry. “Yeah, it’s funny at times, but is it telling a story? No. Is it making political points? Most of the time not. Do people actually like it? I don’t know – maybe the viewers have some morbid curiosity as to where the show might go next.”

And it’s exactly that question – where might the show go next – that fellow writer Alex Borstein answered.

“We never know what we’re going to write before we write it,” she told reporters. “So we have no idea where the show is going next. That’s why it’s such a mystery that it still exists. It has no purpose, no goal, no meaning… well I guess that sums up [Family Guy creator] Seth [Mcfarlane] too… Huh.”

Mcfarlane defended his creation, saying that all the fun is in Family Guy’s total unpredictability.

“How’s Peter going to embarrass his family next time? When is Brian going to die and come back to life again? Will Stewie ever kill Lois? Does that sub-plot even exist anymore? No one knows, least of all me.”

Most of the writers did concede, however, that its existence was not nearly as bewildering as that of another Mcfarlane series, American Dad.

“It’s basically a cheap rip-off of Family Guy,” said a writer for the unsubtle, ill-considered satire of American patriotism. “And we’re on the 10th season. Why did this show ever exist?”

Ex-writers for Macfarlane’s now-cancelled series The Cleveland Show say that they are glad their show has ended. “If no one can understand how Family Guy has made it this far, then there’s no way we should have ever been on the air in the first place with Cleveland,” said an anonymous former writer. “Thank God that show is over. Now I can go back to writing for real TV shows, like COPS.”

Rapper Drake Among 4 Wounded In Lil’ Wayne Home Shooting

Posted on March 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Sacred Heart Hospital has confirmed that rapper Drake is among the four artists wounded when a SWAT team raided Lil Wayne’s home. Reports of a shooting at the Miami mansion were later revealed to be a hoax, by a still unidentified individual. Police teams stormed in, shooting “suspicious looking individuals”, who later turned out to be fellow partiers of Lil Wayne’s.

“Lil Wayne hangs out with all the other rappers, it seems,” said chief of homicide, Angel Batista. “They all have the same lifestyle and career, so why not spend all their time together? I think it’s sweet.”

Drake has spoken up from his hospital bed, decrying the ongoing paranoia that white cops have towards African Americans.

“This ain’t Ferguson. This is Miami!” he said. “They’s supposed to be liberals here. But they see a bunch of black dudes and start shooting. They must be held to account.”

Lil Jon is reportedly another rapper wounded in the police blunder, but friends say that he’ll hold no grudges.

“He knows he looks like a criminal,” said an anonymous source. “The teeth, the bling, the herrr. Erthin about him says jail time.”

Drake will be filing a lawsuit against Miami PD, but the force is expected to blame the “swatter.”

“We’re doing everything we can to find him,” said a member of the hoax and jokes department. “He’s caused injurious harm to four important contributors to society, and it wasn’t even funny. In fact, it was a poor practical joke, that shouldn’t have led to the stupid overreaction of our SWAT team. You know what? Actually it is the SWAT team that should take responsibility. I’ve heard the emergency call. Dude, even a deaf man could tell it’s a fake.”

The names of the remaining two injured rappers have yet to be released, but they’re rumored to be Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre. Initially, Eminem was named among the wounded, but speculators soon realized that he was the last guy at that party likely to be shot.

Harrison Ford Fails At Badass Death Attempt

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SANTA MONICA, California –

Harrison Ford has once again narrowly failed at carrying out a badass finale to his life. Ford crashed his World War II-era plane into a golf course last week, and is apparently “lucky to be alive.”

“It’s remarkable, really. Almost like one of his movies,” said expert Tarry Lupone. “Things were shaky from the takeoff, when he realized his plane – over half a century old, remember – was having problems. He turned back, contacting the airport to clear a runway for an emergency landing. Then he crashed anyway before he reached it. How did he survive? That plot point must have been written in by someone unaware of the badassery of that sort of death.”

Ford’s family have expressed their happiness at his well being, but admitted their empathy for the disappointment he must feel at having failed at living out the fairy-tale ending.

“Harry’s really down,” said wife, Calista Flockhart. “I’m glad to still have him in my life, but I promised when I married him to support his dreams, no matter what difficulties. This has been a lifelong dream, and to see it fall apart again – at the last minute – is hard for all of us.”

Son Liam expressed similar sentiments.

“I love daddy,” said the toddler. “I also love his work, and I want his career to play out in the way it’s supposed to. It’s the sign of a great man to get up and try to die again after numerous failures. I hope daddy dies soon, in a badass way of his choosing. It’ll be something to brag to my friends about.”

Fans, however, have other concerns about the actor dying “too soon,” especially when there are films being greenlit that need Ford’s star-power or involvement to work.

“There’s still Blade Runner II yet to be made! And what about the upcoming Star Wars films?” said blogger Kate Redman. “I understand and support what he wants, but it’s selfish to rush it. He’s still got a few good years ahead of him, in which he’ll have loads of opportunities to die in an even more badass ways.”

Ford says that in the end, he might just get inside of a lead-lined refrigerator and have a nuclear bomb dropped on top.

“I’m pretty sure that it might really kill me,” said the star. “Would it even be possible to survive that?”