Boston Bomber Sentenced To 30 Days Public Service For His Part In Grisly Attacks

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the 21-year-old who was convicted earlier this month on 30 charges in relation to the 2013 massacre at the Boston Marathon, was sentenced today to 30 days public service and ordered to remain under house arrest during that time.

“We feel today that justice really did prevail,” said Tsarnaev’s lawyer, Jim Clarke. “Yes, this young man was responsible for some heinous attacks on a cherished event and on the American people as a whole, but today, this jury stood up and said that they would no longer stand for over-reaching punishment. They gave him the sentence that we, on his defense team, feel he deserved.”

Tsarnaev was seen in photos smiling after the sentencing was read aloud in the courtroom – a sentence that came with several outbursts from spectators inside the building.

“This is some serious, serious bullshit,” said Mark Devers, a participant in the 2013 Boston Marathon who was nearing the finish line when the explosion occurred, although was not injured. “What he did was monstrous, and he should have gotten the death penalty. My God, we have people in jail for life right now for growing and smoking weed, but we can’t put a violent mass murdered in the chair? This country has gone to hell.”

“That’s exactly the problem at hand,” said Clarke. “The judicial system is a mess, and we have overcrowding and overpopulation in our prisons. Too many men and women are locked up for extended periods of time for crimes that warrant much softer sentencing. This was a massive victory not only for Mr. Tsarnaev, but also for the judicial system and the criminal court system as a whole.”

Tsarnaev is scheduled to be released from prison May 1st, and is ordered to remain under house arrest while he carries out his public service duties.

Death Row Inmate Allowed To Choose Method Of Execution Picks ‘Old Age’

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHMOND, Virginia –

A Virginia man, Charles Demar, on death row since 2001 for the murder of his wife and two sons, was recently allowed the option of choosing his method of execution by the state supreme court. A statement, released by Demar’s lawyer, says that he has chosen the option to die of ‘old age.’

“Mr. Demar, when given the opportunity to choose the manner in which he would be executed, chose to die by ‘old age,'” said Demar’s attorney, Richard Cheatum. “The state, forced to accept this request, have no choice legally but to let my client go free, so that he may die at the same natural rate as any other person.”

The laws in Virginia appear to be written in such a manner that a request of this nature is perfectly acceptable, with one supreme court judge quoted as saying that he “couldn’t believe” that no one had ever thought to choose that option previously.

“It would be one thing if we were just going to keep him in prison, maybe move him from death row and place him in general population, but with the way our laws are currently written, this particular inmate was able to find a loophole in the system that would grant him the ability to be executed by ‘old age,’ with that time being lived outside of the prison,” said Judge George Morris. “It’s safe to assume that we will be keeping a close eye on Mr. Demar as his time in prison comes to an end and he is allowed to merge back into society.”

“This is an amazing feat that we’ve been able to accomplish, and I am very proud of the work that we have put in to ensure that my client is afforded his ‘perfect ending,'” said Cheatum.

“Fuck yeah, I cannot wait to get the hell out of here,” said Demar. “I have some scores to settle with the sonsabitchin’ jury that put me in here in the first place.”

Demar is set to be released May 1st.

New Dating Website ‘WhitePeopleMeet.Com’ Causing Controversy After Launch Last Week

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A new Silicon Valley start-up is already making waves after a soft launch of their website was completed last week. The new website, whitepeoplemeet.com, is a dating website based around only people who are 100% Caucasian, and automatically filters out anyone who isn’t white based on choices made during account setup, and also using face-matching software when a user uploads their images.

“If our system sees a black face is uploaded by a user, that account will automatically be locked until as such time the user can prove that they are white, or it will be deleted completely if they are, in fact, found to be of another ethnicity,” said site creator and designer, Jeb Michaels. “We want this website to be designed and aimed specifically at the white crowd. It’s not about being racist, it’s just about white people wanting to find other white people to date and sleep with.”

Michaels says that for people who are fussing over his website, they are not understanding the true point of what he is trying to accomplish.

“There are plenty of black-oriented things out there. They’ve got their BET Network. They’ve got BlackPeopleMeet.com – there’s no law that says I can’t do the same things, and focus on the beauty, culture, and heritage of the white person,” said Michaels. “We already have a very strong userbase built up, made up of white folks who want to date other white folks. It’s definitely not odd to be attracted only to someone of the same skin color as you.”

“Personally, I think it’s extremely racist,” said Paul Jemarcus, 28, an African-American from Queens, New York. “It’s not that I want to be on some white-bread dating website or something, but to be fair, I really like those big white-girl asses, and you can’t find a lot of those on blackpeoplemeet.com. Guess it’s just sticking with Tinder for now. I hope this new website get shut down.”

So far, Michaels says that they have signed up more than 25,000 people for their service, and have received only 18,000 hate emails and death threats.

Several Movie Theaters Begin Showing TV Broadcasts To Boost Revenue

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In hopes of competing with the growing trend of watching movies and TV at home via streaming services and DVDs, several small, independent movie theatres are now trying a drastic change in programming to get people through the door.

“Yup, we’re airing TV shows now every day during the day,” said theater owner Marlon Jones of Los Angeles. “It used to be that we packed the auditoriums every night, especially on weekends, and we made tons of money. Now it seems people would rather stay home and watch TV shows or Netflix series. We need to change with the times.”

Jones says he decided to start showing TV series and Netflix originals a few months ago, and his first go-round was with Daredevil, the new series that was just released to Netflix.

“We had tons of people flocking in to watch that on the big screen,” said Jones. “That show is very impressive, and no doubt plenty of people watched it at home on their big screens, but it’s nothing like seeing it on a screen of this size.”

Jones says that he is preparing to exhibit other programs as well, including daytime talk shows and TV soaps.

“I know it will be weird seeing Ellen on the big screen again, since she hasn’t made a movie in 20 years, but it will also be fun,” said Jones. “I’ll get all the old biddies in here to watch Ellen or The View or whatever. They’ll pay for it, no doubt about it. It’s the experience, after all.”

Jones says that he will continue to air these TV shows in his theater until he is told to stop by the networks.

“Oh, I definitely didn’t ask for permission. God no. They’d want money, and they don’t need it. I need it. It’s all for the greater good,” said Jones.

Death Row Inmate Who Escaped From Prison In 1947 Found, Executed

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HARLAN, Texas –

Greg Ferguson was 26 when he was sentenced to death for the murder of his brother and sister-in-law, and was sent to a federal correctional facility just outside of Harlan, Texas. That was in 1946. In 1947, Ferguson successfully escaped from prison, and had been on the run ever since.

Last month, authorities in Dallas arrested Ferguson, who is now 95-years-old, as he sat drinking coffee in a small diner. The waitress serving him said that he had been coming into the diner every morning for as long as she could remember.

“I can’t believe that nice old man was an escaped convict!” said Marissa Fuller, 28. “I’ve been waitressing here since high school, and Mr. Ferguson was always so nice. He always left a good tip, and he always took his coffee with cream and sugar. Why, every killer I’ve ever met only drank their coffee black. Just goes to show you, I guess.”

Police say that they had received an anonymous tip that Ferguson may still be residing in Texas, and that he had been seen in Dallas.

“As it goes, Mr. Ferguson went with us very peacefully, and didn’t try and run,” said Police chief Mark Hamlin. “Of course, it would be hard for him to have run anyway, as he was barely able to stand on his old legs.”

Hamlin says that Ferguson was returned to a cell at the same correctional facility in which he was originally sent, and was executed a week later.

“We don’t screw around in Texas when it comes to killing people,” said Hamlin. “We missed out on our chance to fry this ol’ boy for the last damn near 70 years. As soon as we could, we put him down.”

Ferguson leaves behind a wife of 45 years, 3 sons, and 11 grandchildren – none of whom say they were aware that he was a violent killer.

Boston Medical Researchers Find That ‘Gayness’ Is Contagious

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Your grandparents were right after all: Being gay is apparently extremely contagious. The same Harvard Medical team that proved obesity and smoking can spread socially have released a new study that suggests being gay is equally spreadable.

Psychologist, Jean Bennett says, “It’s what people have been saying for years. Happiness is infectious. Mirror neurons are activated when we see other’s doing something. If they’re smiling, it’s likely we will smile back.”

Bennett warns, “It’s important to surround yourself with positive, happy people, and limit the time with Negative Nancies. Everyone wants to be gay, right? Your best bet it is surround yourself with gay people. Trust me, it will rub off.”

Gay rights activists deny these allegations, and say even if it were true, there is nothing wrong with being gay. Offended homosexual, Bert, told Empire News, “The world would be a better place if gayness was contagious. Think of the parties we’d have! Oh my God, it would be fabulous, I can’t even imagine. Sadly, this is complete and utter bologna though.”

New Panties That Prevent Pregnancy and STIs

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

QUEENS, New York –

Dirty sluts, rejoice! Protective panties are coming to a bathroom vending machine or sex shop near you. New Woman’s Choice brand medicated underwear are predicted to replace condoms as the preferred contraceptive method for the one night stand.

You can slip these discreet underwear on up to six hours before intercourse, and they will help protect a woman against pregnancy and many sexually transmitted infections.

The special undergarment is coated in a blend of antibiotics, spermicide, and pesticide, which is up to 99% effective against chlamydia and gonorrhea, pregnancy, and pubic lice. It must be worn for at least 80 minutes before sex for maximum protection.

It does not prevent the transmission of viruses like herpes or HIV, and is not intended to be used regularly.

Clinical trial participant, Joulee Brown says she is thrilled about the product. “A lot of brothas complain they can’t keep it up with a condom on, and sometimes I’m so drunk I forget the risks. If I’m going out to the club I put the sheer pink panties under my regular ones, and in the morning I don’t have to worry, What happened last night? I can’t wait until I can pick them up at Walgreens.”

Sinister Secrets Of Your Local ‘House of Pizza’ And The Illuminati

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

EVERYTOWN, USA –

Ever wonder why there is a House of Pizza located in every small town in America? The truth is more incredible than you can imagine.

Conspiracy-theory expert, Paul Young claims he uncovered documents that will send shockwaves through the internet. He obtained them while employed as night manager at his local House of Pizza. “People need to realize these Greeks aren’t just about slinging subs and calzones. They’re more concerned about setting themselves up in positions of power in the New World Order.”

Young claims his suspicions started when he got a look at the books. “There was no way we were making as much as they claimed. At first I thought they must be laundering money. The owner was visited by mysterious men in suits, so it all made sense.”

When another employee discovered Illuminati symbols stamped on the underside of a table, Young became concerned. “I started digging into the files in the office, and I made a shocking discovery. All these Houses of Pizza are connected, forming a network of sleeper cells around the country. Don’t believe me? I’ve found the mark of the all-seeing eye under many House of Pizza tables. I suggest you look for yourselves.

Although many believe the Order of the Illuminati is no longer active, Paul insists that’s just what they want you to think. “There is abundant evidence that the Illuminati exists and our leaders are just puppets with no real control. I have studied it extensively on Youtube. Anyone with a computer can confirm this. The problem is the masses just believe whatever they’re told by mainstream media.”

If You’re In The Market For A Summer Swimsuit, Read This First!

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

As bikini season approaches, women everywhere are searching for that one flattering bathingsuit that will get them through the season.

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) now warns west-coast shoppers to keep underwear on when trying on bathing suits this season, after two ladies in the Sacramento area have been diagnosed with antibiotic-resistant Gonorrhea after trying on swimsuits. Both women claim circumstances make it impossible that they contracted the mutant strain from sexual activity.

Both had gone swimsuit shopping the week before showing pronounced symptoms of gonorrhea, including a pus-like vaginal discharge and uncontrollable urination.

As this strain of gonorrhea is exceptionally aggressive, the CDC cautions all shoppers when trying on clothes. “Usually gonorrhea is only spread through sexual contact, and it can be cured. This strain is concerning because it is not only resistant to treatment, it has a high survivability. It appears a minute amount of bacteria was able to live on the fabric that came in contact with the source’s vagina. Frankly, that’s frightening.”

Man Arrested for Eating Bald Eagle

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Texans are calling for the death penalty for a man accused of disrespecting America in the worst possible way, shooting and eating a bald eagle.

Larry Tucker says the eagle asked for it. “Damn bird kept picking off my chickens so I shot it. A man has a right to protect his livestock from predators.”

Arrested under the Eagle Protection act, Tucker expected to be fined for poaching and sent on his way. Because he admitted to broiling the bird, he now faces additional charges. Although his lawyer advises him there is no way he will actually get the death penalty, the public outrage against him has really hurt Tucker’s feelings.”

“I’m not un-American. Got a flag on my front porch like everybody else. I’ve always liked to try different meats, and it would have been a waste if I didn’t eat the damn thing. I truly regret it. Damn thing didn’t even taste good.”