Lottery Officials Say Homeless Texas Man Winner Of $500M Powerball Jackpot

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

A homeless man, identified as 63-year-old Harry Mills has reportedly won the $500 million jackpot in the Powerball lottery game, one of the largest jackpots in the history of the tickets.

According to game officials, Mills turned in the ticket in Austin at the lottery offices early Thursday morning.

“At first, we thought another random bum had wandered in, thinking we were a bar, or looking to wash himself in our bathroom sink, but Mr. Mills came in and walked right over to our secretary, Jane, and said ‘I’ve won, and I want the money!'”

Mills said that he did not purchase the winning ticket, and like most of his possessions, it was found in the garbage on the streets of Austin.

“Yup, found it just sitting in a stack of newspapers and rags on Tuesday night,” said Mills. “At first I almost put it into my pile of ‘things to use as toilet paper,’ but the I noticed the date, and that it hadn’t been drawn yet. I figured it would be wise to at least wait until the pick the numbers, and then I could wipe my ass with it.”

Fortunately for Mills, he held onto the ticket, and according to lottery officials, he is entitled to the money.

“Where someone gets a winning ticket is not our concern, unless a crime was reported in the process of obtaining, such as an armed robbery,” said lottery spokesperson Joan Allan. “Because this ticket was simply lost or discarded, Mr. Mills is entitled to the winnings.”

“This means a whole better life for me,” said Mills. “I can move out of my box in the alley off 3rd street, and I can get a bigger box off of 9th and Broadway. I don’t have a bank account, so I guess I’ll just get one of those big bags with the giant money symbol on it, and I’ll put it in my shopping cart. But oh, I’m definitely getting a new one of those, too! God, this is the greatest thing that’s happened to me since I took up drinking!”

Anti-Vaccine Law Passed By Congress Could Mean Jail Time For Millions Of Parents

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In what has been hailed as the biggest victory for the anti-vaccination campaign, congress has passed a law that means parents who vaccinate their children could serve jail time. This comes as mounting evidence suggests that the preventative measures against fatal diseases could cause autism in children who are predisposed to the condition.

Over recent months, the campaign which seemed to have hit a lull, came roaring back to life, when the unverified research by hack Andrew Wakefield was pushed into the spotlight by reactionary mothers on the internet. The frantic and irresponsible parents got a further boost from renowned scientist Bill Maher’s assertion that “all those people who don’t think they can handle a little flu are total babies.”

The bill follows another important victory for campaigners, as January saw the reemergence of the all but forgotten measles, bringing further publicity to the previously denigrated group. Measles was thought to have been eliminated, but it could be the first of a long list of pre-vaccination favorites to reemerge.

“I’m hoping for diphtheria next,” said avid anti-vaxxer Mary Snucker. “I can’t wait to see my unimmunized children go blue and bleed from their precious little noses.”

Mother of five, Harriet Pentucky, said that if she had known of the risks, she would never have had her kids vaccinated. “It’s too late now,” she lamented, “and all of my children turned out okay. But to think of what I could’ve had to deal with! Yeah, polio sucks, but I’d take cripples over the autistics any day of the week.”

Republican Senator Rand Paul, who had late Tuesday contradicted his Monday statement that vaccines cause mental disorders, retracted once again, saying that the bill was a victory and that he was now on his way to de-immunize himself and his children.

“Besides,” he was overheard saying to a friend, “I’m too old to get all that mumps and rubella guff.”

California Man Dies After GPS Directs Him Off Cliff

Posted on February 12, 2015 by JP

ANAHEIM, California –

Investigators are still looking into a car accident that happened Tuesday evening, but initial reports say police believe that the crash could have been avoided if it wasn’t for a faulty GPS navigation system. Carl Povaromo, age 34, died Tuesday after driving his car off a cliff in Anaheim.

Weather in the city being perfect and clear, the fact that there were no brake marks in the road, and no alcohol or drugs found in Povaromo’s system, the accident was first declared a suicide. It wasn’t until police found a GPS system in the car that they realized the cause was due to negligence behind the wheel.

“We were able to use the navigation system to re-trace the route of Mr. Povaromo,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “The route that he had been traveling before the crash was right along the edge of a very high cliff, and the GPS had told him to ‘turn right,’ and unfortunately Mr. Povaromo took the instructions literally, immediately turning right, and driving off into the ravine.”

Police are unsure at the moment if the GPS had a glitch in its system, or if the road packet in the unit had never been updated. Either way, police on the scene told Empire News that they often have people use their GPS as an excuse to get out of tickets for traveling on dangerous, unfinished roads, or the wrong way down one-lane or one-way roads.

“You should always pay attention to the road and not your navigation system,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, you have to be just straight staring at your GPS to go flying off a cliff to your death like a moron. People get so caught up staring at these navigation systems, it is ridiculous. They talk to you for a reason, and you never should take your eyes off the road.”

The company that distributes the GPS, called Let’s Roam! claims they have never had a problem like this before. “We test all of our systems, and update maps as often as possible. We’d like to give our deepest sympathies and condolences to the Povaromo family. We are sorry to hear that Carl has passed away, but we are very happy that he chose one of our GPS units to lead him to those pearly gates in the sky.”

Hackers Attack Social Media Website Google+

Posted on February 12, 2015 by katy_rev

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California –

Google+ was recently attacked by a group of hackers who call themselves The GorillaGods, and the site was reportedly down for almost a week. The case is being investigated by internal Google programmers and federal authorities, but reportedly is not considered a “high priority.”

After 7 days one user, Billy Johnson, eventually noticed Google+ was missing. “I logged into my Gmail account, as I normally do every day, but after checking emails, I needed to take a look at Google Maps, so I clicked on the Apps. I accidentally chose Google+ instead of maps, though, and was taken to an empty website with random graffiti-style tags all over it,” said Johnson. “Normally I wouldn’t have bothered doing anything about it, but I couldn’t get back to my emails, nor move forward to the maps. That’s why I informed the Google people. I’d never used Google+ before. Shit, I didn’t even know it existed.”

Programmers from Google brought the website back very quickly after Johnson informed them of the attack. Reportedly, a few clicks were enough to bring the site back.

“As it turned out, the hackers didn’t get deeply into the structure of Google+; Our programmers suspect their aim was attacking another website, but they shut down Google+ by a mistake,” said Google spokesperson Amanda Fuller. “We didn’t even notice ourselves, to be honest. I know I didn’t. I mean, I have a G+ account, but it’s not really useful, since I have Facebook.”

“We still don’t know who attacked Google+,” says Patrick Murphy, one of the federal agents assigned to the investigation. “The main theory claims it was Google that staged the hack in order to make a fuss and gain some popularity, because no one even remembers that Google+ is even a thing. Clearly, if it wasn’t Google, then someone attacked them by accident, because no self-respecting hacker group would bother with such a waste of a website.”

The website is back up and fully-functioning, although at the time of this writing, it still appeared very desolate and unused.

President Obama: Undocumented Immigrants Who Worked ‘Off The Books’ Can Still File Taxes, Get A Refund

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama is making waves this morning after announcing an extremely controversial decision that will causes massive changes and government payouts for immigrants, this time allowing illegals to file taxes to get a refund. Illegal aliens who worked ‘off the books’ throughout 2014 will be able to get refunds on taxes they would have paid. The President says he will allow them to use the honor system, and that illegal immigrants can file using an approximation of their earned income.

“We need to stop treating undocumented immigrants like second class people, we are better than that,” said President Obama. ”These hard working men and women are forced to work off the books, in the shadows of our employment systems. Just because they didn’t pay into the State or Federal government like people normally do with taxes withheld from their paychecks, does not mean they don’t deserve to have their refunds.”

“Because undocumented aliens won’t be receiving a W-2 form, these workers will be allowed to estimate how much they got paid in 2014,” said White House press secretary Joe Myers. “Their refund will be based on their estimate and how much would of been withheld if they actually paid taxes. We estimate that these people, who in many cases have risked life-and-limb to make it to the United States, would not risk lying about their income to increase a return. We have faith in all undocumented immigrants.”

“Apparently Obama does not understand how taxes work, or where the refunds are coming from,” said Senator Ted Cruz.” Well, I do, and if you have no state and federal taxes withheld, you don’t get a refund. He’s just giving them free money, and he’s buying democratic votes with this plan. The problem is the money isn’t free, it’s coming right from the pockets of hard working Americans. When I’m elected President, I’ll make it so uncomfortable for illegals, they will be climbing the fence back into Mexico.”

Survivor of Shark Attack to Sue Katy Perry for ‘Insensitive’ Super Bowl Halftime Performance

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Katy Perry’s Super Bowl halftime show on the 1st of February was the most watched performance in the event’s history, garnering over 118 million views. The acclaimed production included a giant mechanical lion, anthropomorphic beach balls and palm trees, fireworks, and cameos from Missy Elliott and Lenny Kravitz.

Perhaps the strangest appearance, however, was that of cute dancing sharks, and it’s this support act that has landed Perry in some legal in hot water. Joe Lyons, a survivor of a January shark attack in which the his entire close and extended family was brutally torn apart, is suing the pop-star for her insensitive use of the killer creatures.

“Joe is bewildered by Perry’s thoughtlessness,” wrote Lyons’ lawyer Harry Bedford in a press release. “He’s a longtime fan of her’s, and is especially hurt after being betrayed by someone he admires. No money is being requested; just a public apology and all recordings of the show to be removed from YouTube and any other online platforms.”

A source close to the victim confirmed Lyon’s sentiments.

“Katy has been important to Joe since I Kissed A Girl basically won him his now brutally killed wife, Carol,” explained the friend. “He wore cherry chapstick on their first date, seeing as that was what girls like Perry apparently like, and it totally worked. That’s why it’s so devastating that she could thoughtlessly defile the memory of the deceased.”

Legal expert Lucy Janet believes that Lyons has a strong case.

“Can you imagine the outcry if Osama Bin Laden had been one of her backup dancers? Families of the victims of 9/11 would come out in droves. What about if Hurricane Katrina had accompanied her? That certainly would have been politically and humanly insensitive. It’s best if she just recognizes the consequences of her actions and can put the whole thing behind her – far enough behind her this time that they can’t be seen on the stage.”

Studio Admits ‘American Sniper’ Is Propaganda Film; Movie Was Commissioned By U.S. Government

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Warner Bros. Entertainment, in an announcement that surprised no one, admitted Wednesday that their box office hit, American Sniper, was actually a poorly disguised propaganda film commissioned by the US government.

“We don’t see it as shameful to be promoting patriotism in our beloved country,” said CEO Kevin Tsujihara. “Chris Kyle is someone we can be proud of. He was a true American hero, one who was willing to give up all qualms over what is moral and good to mindlessly kill individuals his country told him were the baddies.”

Director Clint Eastwood, however, denied that he knew anything about government intervention.

“Propaganda?” he yelled. “What’s this propaganda?! To have pride in your country is propaganda?! To do what it takes to save the lives of American citizens is propaganda?! Those liberals will be the death of us all!”

According to military sources, conscription to the armed forces has rocketed since the release of the obvious glorification of American interests.

“Since the film’s release, we’ve seen a massive increase in young men and women signing up for the Navy. Millions of people, so that film is working. And it’s not just the poor and aimless who are choosing to fight any longer,” an anonymous source told news outlets. “Privileged rich boys are giving up their lives to do whatever the current authorities have deemed is necessary. It’s a pleasant break from what we’re used to.”

While President Obama, along with other Democrat leaders, has distanced himself from reports on government involvement, certain Republicans have come out in defense and praise of the film that received six Oscar nominations.

“In all my years,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, breathing heavily. “In all my years, I’ve never heard such anti-patriotism as is coming from the liberal left. American Sniper is itself an all-American victory. What others may call propaganda, I call spreading truth. What’s next? They’ll start calling Uncle Sam propaganda, that’s what’s next!”

50 Shades of Grey First Film to Be Age- and Gender-Restricted; Only Showing to Women Over 40

Posted on February 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

With less than a week to go before the premiere of the much anticipated film version of 50 Shades of Grey, MPAA authorities have shocked the public with the announcement that the sexually explicit production will be the first gender-segregated movie.

“We set the age-restriction at 40 years old, and the gender-restriction to apply to females,” said ratings supervisor, Billy Jensen. “Some will see it as a bit extreme, but we’re doing it out of genuine concern for society. While most middle-aged women have already been exposed to the book trilogy, other demographics are still safe. Now that there is easier access through the medium of film, we worry that young adult men and women will seek it out.”

Author E. L. James claimed to be un-phased by the news.

“I wrote those books to express my own physical urges,” she said. “I never expected anyone to read them, let alone get the response I’ve had. Bored, aging women are the most interested, and I don’t see why it should be any other way.”

Vocal critic of censorship, John Fenucci, was one of the few unhappy about the news.

“They’re trying to hide things from us, make it a fascist state,” he said through a thick haze of pungent smoke. “This is ‘Murica! Shit like this isn’t s’posed to happen. We’re being turned into Communist China and no one’s doing anything about it. The lizard people in charge are gonna win unless we act now!”

The literature world did not have any such qualms about the movie becoming severely restricted. “We all breathed a collective sigh of relief at this news,” said literature professor Joseph Butler. “Now that no one will see the movie, that the natural order can return, the hype with the books can die, and we can all forget the dark ages of unwarranted buzz around this pile of dog shit somehow called a novel.”

Lady Gaga Announces Retirement From Music, Plans To Join Religious Commune

Posted on February 11, 2015 by katy_rev

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Lady Gaga announced this morning that she has plans to completely quit musical career, and focus on a career that is “more in line” with who she says she really is as a person.

“I have recently experienced a massive spiritual awakening, and the time has come for me to give up this industry, and focus on myself for awhile,” said Gaga, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta. “I have decided that I am going to leave music so that I may join a religious group.”

According to reporters, the community Gaga has chosen is called Children of The Rising Suns. The Children live on a small island in the Pacific Ocean. A millionaire named Robert Smith bought the island three years ago.

“I saw the sunbeams, I saw them everywhere, I understood there are thousands of suns in the galaxy, and all of them are gods. After this realization all my life has changed,” said Smith. Doctors suspected the sunbeams Smith saw actually indicated a severe form of brain damage. Despite of his family’s efforts though, Smith refused hospitalization and medical examinations. Instead, he spent a great part of his fortune to purchase the island and build a religious commune, one he seeks to fill with as many people as possible.

Gaga confessed that, after reading an article about the community, she felt that was the path she had to follow. “I know this is what I need to do. I am the daughter of the Sun. I don’t want a career anymore, no more pop shows, fake people, lights and latex. I will not stop singing, but from now on, each sound that comes out of me will be devoted to the Gods of Light. There is a chorus in the commune, the Sunny Chorus, and I will sing along with them.”

Desperate fans wrote a petition asking Gaga to play a farewell concert before she leaves. The petition, which can be signed on www.onemoretimeale-alejandro.com, has already been supported by 2 million fans. Gaga has made no comment about a final performance before joining The Children.

Vanna White Fired From Wheel of Fortune After Roulette Scandal

Posted on February 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Producers of long-running game show Wheel Of Fortune are in crisis mode after being forced to fire presenter Vanna White after over thirty years of service. The shocking firing comes after footage was released of White in a casino, compulsively playing roulette.

“We appreciate Vanna’s 32 years with us,” said director Bob Cisneros. “However, her recent actions have compromised the production of this all-American favorite. The betrayal felt by viewers upon seeing her spinning around with other wheels is too great to be tolerated. It’s as if she is a wife who cheated on her husband, and her husband are the Wheel of Fortune viewers. She is no longer the loyal servant we once knew and loved.”

Harry Ray, owner of Monte Casino where White was caught on camera, has come out in support of the game show hostess, saying that her actions suggest a greater public shift in American optimism.

“The public have come to the realization that casinos are a better avenue in which to pursue the American dream. Where once you had to work hard to get onto exclusive game shows, now anyone can be a winner. From the lowest of the low, to those born to money, everyone has the potential to become the president of Gamblers Anonymous.”

A social media campaign has been initiated against Ray, with some claiming the whole thing was a publicity stunt, a set-up to promote his business.

“Cameras are never allowed in casinos,” said one Wheel of Fortune loyalist. “Why was Vanna being filmed in the first place, and how did the cameraman know she’d be there? Wake up, people. These are questions we all need to be asking.”

Vanna White could not be reached for comment, but a source close to her stated that she is experiencing great remorse, and insisting it was a one-off fling.

“Vanna loves the Wheel,” the source, on condition of anonymity, told reporters. “But everyone slips up. She was overcome by perfectly human feelings, and made a big mistake. Now she has to pay for it, but it shouldn’t mean the end of this relationship. She is going to fight tooth and nail to try get her position back. If not for herself, she’ll do it for the viewers, and she’ll do it for the love of those light-up letters.”