George W. Bush Accepts Job Offer As Greeter At Dallas Walmart, Will Donate Earnings To Charity

Posted on December 28, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

George W. Bush, 43rd President of the United States, has accepted a job offer to become a greeter at a Dallas, Texas Walmart.

Bush, 68, was offered the position by second-shift manager Bob McDonald after he read about the former President in the local Dallas-Herald newspaper. In the article, Bush expressed that he was growing bored with painting and trying to golf, and would like a job some place involving customer assistance.

“I would like to be of service again and give back to the people, make a difference. You can take the boy out of the neighborhood, but you can’t take the neighborhood out of the backyard,” Bush said in the article.

After reading the piece, McDonald, a Walmart manager with twenty-two years experience at the store, says he wrote a letter to the president offering him a job as a second-shift door greeter. Much to McDonald’s surprise, Bush replied saying he would take the job with one condition – he needed to have the day off for Elvis’ birthday.

“I couldn’t believe it! My first thought was, ‘Holy cow, I’m going to be the boss of a former President of the United States of America!’ Usually we don’t give just anybody Elvis’ birthday off, but you know, I sure as heck couldn’t say no to W,” McDonald said.

Bush, who is also paid for motivational speaking gigs, announced the news to a sold-out crowd at the annual Exxon Oil company meeting in downtown Houston. Bush excitedly talked about his new job while speaking to the packed audience.

“Hard work pays off. I am a prime example. If you never give up on life, you can make it anywhere, and eventually you’ll even end up with a greeter job at Walmart,” said Bush. “Yeah, I am 68-years-old, but this dog has not lost its bark. Walmart is a great American company, and it is my honor to serve.”

Bush said that although he has never shopped at a Walmart, he looks to the position with the company as a new challenge, and new adventure.

“Just like Louis Armstrong said, ‘This is one big step for man, and one giant leap for humanity,” the jolly ex-President said. “I would also like to announce that I will be donating my Walmart salary to the ice-water bucket challenge charity thingy, because no dog deserves to go thirsty.”

Eminem Says Coming Out As Gay In ‘The Interview’ Was Not An Act

Posted on December 28, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BARTON HILLS, Michigan –

Marshall Mathers, also known by his stage name Eminem, one of the most successful rappers of all time, made a cameo in the highly controversial comedy film The Interview, in which he plays himself, announcing during an interview that he is gay. In the movie, James Franco plays the part of Dave Skylark, who has a very successful syndicated television show which gets candid interviews with such superstars as Eminem, Rob Lowe, and eventually North Korea supreme leader Kim Jong-un.

According to Eminem, when asked about the movie and its dialogue, in which he nonchalantly proclaimed to be a gay man, the rapper said that he ad-libbed that whole scene himself, and that although in the film it was played like a joke, it was his way of discussing his true opinion on the matters of sex and celebrities.

“Personally I don’t think a person’s sexuality is anybody’s business. I’ve rapped about sex, I’ve rapped about being gay. I’ve also written songs about shooting people. Sometimes, it’s fantasy. Other times, maybe it’s not,” Eminem said during a recent interview. “It doesn’t matter. That scene in the movie, it was originally planned as a more subtle gag, something about me being an illuminati ruler or something. I asked if I could just do my own thing with it, and Seth [Rogen, director and star] said ‘go ahead.’ He gave me the green light to come out in the movie. Maybe it was real, maybe it wasn’t. Does it matter? Should it matter?”

The rapper, who has been intensely scrutinized throughout his career for using homophobic slurs, said that he just used derogatory terms to be ironic, and that his sex life is private, and that everyone’s sex life should be as public or as private as they want it to be.

“After putting a lot of thought into it, I came to the ultimate conclusion that there are probably thousands, if not millions of fans of mine that are gay and living a lie. This was my way of supporting them in a way that could make people laugh, and feel good. Maybe it was my way of telling the world something that they’ve always been wondering. Maybe it was my way of telling people to go fuck themselves. Maybe it was just a movie, and people shouldn’t be questioning it in the first place. I’ve always been true to myself, and everyone else should worry about doing the same.”

Congress Pushes For Ban On Alcohol Consumption On New Year’s Eve

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you were looking to hit your favorite local hotspot for a drink or two on New Year’s Eve, it’s very possible that you might have to change your plans.

In an effort to curb drunk driving accidents and deaths, which are higher on New Year’s Even and early New Year’s Day than at any other point in the year, the United States Congress is seeking to pass a law that would outlaw the public consumption of alcohol on those two days of the year.

“No one is saying that you can’t have private parties, and that you can’t drink at home and have a celebration,” said Congressman George Flint (R-GA), who is spearheading the bill. “There is nothing wrong with a glass of champagne and a toast to the new year. There is, however, something wrong with the thousands upon thousands of violent car crashes and the hundreds of preventable deaths that happen every year on New Year’s Eve as a result of excessive alcohol consumption.”

Flint says that he is finding support among other members of congress, who also see the dangers in allowing heavy alcohol consumption leading into the new year.

“We are fighting hard to save lives,” said Flint. “It is for the protection of the people – it is for your own good – that we enact a law like this to prevent the senseless loss of life.”

According to inside reports, the law has a very good chance of passing, although there is concern that people may still drive drunk when leaving their homes, or leaving a friend’s home, after a party.

“If we can even stop one person from being killed who would have been driving home while annihilated drunk from their local bar, then this law will have succeeded,” said Flint. “We know what is best for everyone, and we will do what we can to protect the people from themselves.”

“If I didn’t fear some sort of cruel, government retaliation, I’d tell them to go straight to hell with this bullshit law,” said bar owner Joe Goldsmith, of Phoenix, Arizona. “Maybe I’ll just close the bar for the night, and have it be for a ‘private party’ or something. If people want to drink, I’ll damn sure find a way to make it happen.”

DNA Results Confirm Michael Jackson Is Biological Father Of Bruno Mars

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Vladimir Kershov, publicist of R&B singer Bruno Mars, has been fired today after he revealed a shocking secret regarding the pop and R&B singer. Kershov leaked private information that revealed that Michael Jackson is Mars’ biological father.

In a statement emailed to news and media outlets across the world, Kershov revealed that he was told by the singer that DNA testing had proven that Jackson, known across the world as the King of Pop, was without a doubt his biological father. After pleading with Mars, born under the name Peter Hernandez, to go public with the revelation, Mars refused to do so. Kershov insisted that it be made known to the public, and that the news would catapult the singer’s fame and boost record sales. Mars remained adamant that the information not be released. According to Kershov, he then took it upon himself and emailed the shocking news to media sources all over the world.

“DNA testing has proven that Michael Jackson is the biological father of Bruno Mars,” Kershov said in the statement. “Against his wishes, I have decided to relay this message for the greater good and betterment of Bruno’s life and extravagant music career.”

In a statement released by Mars’ new publicist, Jacqueline Pryor, it has been announced that Kershov was immediately fired by the singer, and may seek legal action against his former publicist. “The job of a publicist is indeed to better the career of their clients by persuading them to take part in things that cause their popularity to grow, however, the client must trust their publicist. The artist has the final say, no matter what.”

When asked about the validity of Kershov’s statement, Pryor surprisingly made it clear that the information is accurate. “It is true. Doesn’t mean he was right in saying so, but it is true. When it comes to 29-year-old Bruno Mars, Michael Jackson is the father!”

Bill Gates Pays $12 Million Ransom For Return Of Beloved Pet Fish; Suspect Remains At Large

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MEDINA, Washington –

In a bizarre kidnapping incident, billionaire co-founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, paid a reported $12 Million ransom for the safe return of his beloved pet, a 45-year-old Australian Lungfish named Buster. The suspect, who warned Gates not to contact police after stealthily kidnapping the fish, remains at large.

After the fish was safely returned to his Medina, Washington residence, it was then that Gates contacted police. According to Medina Police Department spokesperson Lester McShay, Gates did not contact police during the incident out of fear that the suspect would go through with his threat to kill Buster.

“Mr. Gates made an emotional judgement call in not contacting police out of fear of retaliation, and decided that the twelve-million dollars meant nothing compared to the life of Buster, a fish he has owned since he was a young boy,” McShay said in an early morning press briefing. “It remains unclear whether or not the assailant acted alone, or with a team of bandits.”

Gates has stepped up security at his Medina estate by hiring off-duty police officers, as advised by Medina Police chief Leonardo Roscorelli, a close friend of his.

McShay stated that Gates never actually saw the suspect on his property, and surveillance cameras captured images of a man wearing a blackout suit, in which the entire body, including face and eyes, are covered.

“It is like something out of a movie, this guy really knew what he was doing. What we have not figured out is how he knew about the loving relationship between Buster and Bill Gates. This may have been an inside job, committed by someone he has befriended,” McShay explained. “Surveillance cameras located outside Mr. Gates’ residence only showed the man running away while carrying a large plastic container of the Rubbermaid brand. No getaway vehicle was spotted on any of the video surveillance, unfortunately.”

Buster is said to be healthy and in good spirits following the traumatic incident.

Miami Police Shoot, Kill 10-Year-Old Boy Who Had Toy Grenade Launcher

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MIAMI, Florida –

Miami-Dade Police have shot and killed a 10-year-old hispanic boy who was playing with what is now being described as a toy grenade launcher.

The shooting comes at a trying time for police, as there have been several deaths as the result of unnecessary and brutal police force throughout the country.

Miami-Dade Police Department spokesperson Felipe Cruz told members of the Miami Associated Press that the officer involved in the shooting has been suspended with pay until the investigation is complete.

“The boy, 10-year-old Miguel Rodriguez, was playing with a toy grenade launcher in his bedroom, when a neighbor across the street spotted him through the window and immediately called 911,” said Cruz. “When officers arrived on the scene and peeked through the bedroom window, they spotted Rodriguez aiming the giant, foam toy at several stuffed animals lined up on his bed, and this caused officer Tyrone Davis to make the difficult decision to discharge his weapon, which killed Miguel.”

“I can’t believe that this could happen,” said Carmen Rodriguez, Miguel’s mother. “I can understand our neighbor calling the police, because she’s a noisy bitch who likes to cause trouble, but when police arrived, they should have spoken to me first! I was just in the kitchen for crying out loud!”

The officer, whose name is not being released publicly due to fear of retaliation, commented on the situation through his Union representative. “If I had to do it all again, I would do it the same way,” explained the officer. “That boy was going to injure himself, or those stuffed animals, and I had to take charge of the situation. It’s what any good cop would have done.”

The shooting is very similar to the shooting of 12-year-old Tamir Rice of Cleveland, Ohio, but in that situation, he did not have a toy as indicated in earlier reports. Rice had been in possession of a pellet gun, which is legally not considered a toy.

Unfortunately, this incident is sure to cause mass-media exposure, as 2014 has been a very questionable year when it comes to the judgement of police officers across the nation.

New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady To Pose Nude For Playgirl Magazine

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SACRAMENTO, California –

Tom Brady’s wife Gisele apparently isn’t the only model in the family. In a press release from Brady’s publicist, Antionette McCandless, it was announced that the superstar quarterback will pose fully nude in Playgirl Magazine.

“Both Tom and Gisele are very excited about his upcoming shoot,” McCandless said. “Year after year, he has been voted by female fans of the NFL as the sexiest athlete in the world. He is really going for it here, and is going to show the world all that he has – while also showing why he has the most beautiful woman in the world as a wife.”

Crescent Publishing Group, based in Sacramento, California, who publishes the magazine, say this is a great opportunity for them to also reach out to their massive gay male demographic.

“Everyone knows we produce a magazine for women, but it has an even larger following in the gay male community,” CPG spokesperson Tamara Rollins said. “We get shot huge loads of emails from our consumers every day, and most of them are from men. You would not believe how many emails and letters we have received over the years requesting we get Tom Brady in an issue. To be honest, I’m pretty surprised at how many gay men are avid football fans. It’s probably the tight pants.”

CPG has not announced when the issue would be released, but said that it would be at least a few months before they could meet with him for the pictorial, as Brady has several obligations related to the Patriots organization, as well as several charities in which his involved.

In 2010, Playgirl made a desperate attempt to lure in controversial quarterback Michael Vick to no avail. Over the years, they’ve reached out to other NFL players as well. “It is really difficult to get any major athlete involved in our publication, and of course that is what women, and many men, want to see when they open Playgirl magazine,” said Rollins. “Player’s agents have made it a really tough nut to bust for our magazine.”

Two Arrested In Thwarted Attack On Movie Theatre Playing ‘The Interview’

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DULUTH, Minnesota –

Authorities in Duluth, Minnesota have arrested two men in connection with an attempted attack on a movie theatre playing controversial Seth Rogen film The Interview on Christmas day.

The men, whose names have not been released publicly, are thought by police to possibly be terrorists from North Korea, who had plans on detonating explosives during the showing of the film at a small art house movie theatre. According to reports, quick action from a theatre employee ‘saved the day.’

“A theatre usher, whose job it was to tear the tickets of patrons going in to see the films, thwarted what could have been a real disaster,” said Duluth police chief Joe Goldsmith. “His dedication to his job, and to performing his duties, has saved lives today.”

“It wasn’t really that big of a deal,” said Adam Scott, theatre usher. “These two guys came in to see The Interview, and they were carrying bags from the grocery store across the street. We don’t allow outside food into the theatre, so I told them they’d have to go leave it in their car, just like I’ve told hundreds of other people in the 2 years I’ve worked here.”

According to Chief Goldsmith, the two men were actually carrying homemade explosives in the bags, with plans to destroy the theatre during the show.

“The two men became very agitated when I told them that they couldn’t bring the bags into the theatre, because as I tried explaining, we don’t allow food that isn’t bought at our concession stand into the auditoriums. They didn’t seem to understand what I was saying at all, and I didn’t understand them, either,” explained Scott. “They ended up storming out of the building. It’s actually not that uncommon to have people get mad when you tell them ‘no outside food or drink.'”

Goldsmith says the two men were arrested shortly afterwards, when a police officer noticed the explosives in the backseat of their car during a routine traffic stop. “They ran a red light leaving the movie theatre plaza,” said Goldsmith. “It was all over for them very quickly, despite their intentions.”

“I kind of feel bad for them,” said Scott. “Obviously, these guys were total morons. I can’t believe North Korea is even considered a threat at all if these are the kinds of ‘genius’ minds they’ve got over there. They were the only two people who’d bought tickets to the film all day. I think most people who want to see it will watch from home. Hell, I can see it for free at my work, and I still just illegally downloaded it. It’s almost kind of ironic to try to blow up a movie that’s going to be such a huge bomb on its own.”

The Interview is now showing at select theatres throughout the U.S. The film is also available for purchase On-Demand via YouTube, Google Play, XBox One, or for free through your favorite movie pirating website.

USDA Approves Commercial Sale Of Breast Milk At Grocery Stores

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

There is a growing trend among health advocates and nutritional experts across the entire world, and it’s something that most people stopped drinking in infancy – human breast milk.

Until earlier this morning it has been illegal to sell or bottle breast milk for consumption, outside of normal use of mothers feeding their babies. After extensive research and testing by the USDA, the United States government has decided to give human breast milk a full license to be sold commercially in grocery stores.

John Williamson, USDA President of Public Relations and Nutritional Awareness, announced in a statement issued to multiple media outlets that all United States grocery stores will be permitted to sell human breast milk which has passed USDA requirements. “There is a growing fad throughout the nation, and indeed the world, of adults drinking human breast milk fresh from the source,” Williamson said in the statement. “We have now taken steps to insure that adults can get those same nutritional values without having to suckle the teat directly, as breast milk will be bottled and sold at retail.”

Despite the legalities of breast milk consumption and sales up to this point, the product has become synonymous with fitness advocates and body builders, who have long been purchasing the milk through black market trade.

“It is time for the United States to cash in, and sanction the overall availability of healthy, fresh, bottled human breast milk for children and adults. It is a great source of nutrition which has never before been available, and it is due time for Americans to get healthy, while beefing up our pocketbooks.” Williamson added.

In several countries it has become popular for adults to hire ‘wet nurses’ who feed the consumer directly, but Williamson states that this method is very irresponsible and the female producers of the milk need to undergo thoroughly extensive testing on a weekly basis for guaranteed safety.

“We strongly discourage adults, who are not the children of the milk provider, from feeding directly from the breasts of various women. It is not safe, and could spread disease,” said Williamson. “However, many of the top dairy providers of the U.S. have begun to take applications for breast-feeding women to begin testing on their product, a very good way for American women to make a little extra cash while helping our economy. Everybody wins!”

USDA officials say Americans can expect to see human breast milk for sale in grocery stores all across the nation within the coming months.

Michael Jordan Announces Comeback, Will Suit Up For Charlotte Hornets

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

Six-time NBA champion Michael Jordan announced earlier today that after years of time away from the game, he will make an attempt to come back and play for the Charlotte Hornets, the team he co-owns.

Jordan, 51, held a press conference earlier today and shocked sports journalists and fans alike with the possible game-changing announcement.

“After being out of the game more than ten years, and hearing so much talk about Kobe Bryant passing up my all-time point total, I’ve decided to make myself available to my team as a player. I can still shoot the rock, did y’all doubt that?” Jordan said as he laughed.

Head coach of the Hornets, Steve Clifford, who was also on hand for the press conference, was asked if he thought the aging Jordan would be an asset to the team as a player.

“Are you kidding me? We are talking about MJ here, best player that ever played the game. Do you guys think that he doesn’t get out there on the court with our guys regularly in practice? In my opinion, he came back a long time ago, he just didn’t play in games,” Clifford said.

Jordan went on to explain that it was actually Clifford who talked him into suiting up in a Hornets uniform. “For the last couple of years, I’ve gotten out there a couple times a week during practice, Steve has always joked about me getting back on the court for real,” explained Jordan. “Then, right before the season started, I had a really good scrimmage where I just crushed most of the guys, and that planted the seed in my mind.”

“The one valuable lesson I’ve learned in my life is that anything is possible to anyone, anywhere, any place and any time. I mean – I’m Michael Jordan. I’ve won six NBA titles, six NBA Finals MVP awards, I’ve saved the world from an alien invasion with Bugs Bunny, and hell, I even played professional baseball. Now I own a NBA team. What have I learned? I’ve learned that if you really want to do something, all you really have to do to be successful is Just Do It.”

Jordan, who passed his physical, is expected to be in uniform and on the bench ready to play within the next two or three weeks.