Kim & Kanye’s Baby North Confirmed To Be Actual Child After Several Month Study

Posted on March 27, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

North West, daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, has been the subject of much debate since her uncontrollable raging tantrum at the NYFW show in February, but scientists may have finally put the question to rest.

The theory that North West was a baby has been floating around for many months, but it was not until Samson Germaine, the head of the specialized North West Research Foundation, had the chance to observe her in person that it was confirmed.

“I suspected all along that the reason she was crying was because she was a baby. Many other suggestions floated around, ranging from Mr. West himself saying she was just standing up for him in the past to renowned behavioral psychologists pointing to her long-standing issues with anxiety from a turbulent stock portfolio.”

The theory was dismissed by his colleagues at first, but Germaine pressed on.

“I didn’t have much to go on other than a hunch, but I checked it out anyway. Sometimes you have to do things that way.”

Germaine says he followed the trio anywhere he legally could without “being too creepy,” until he overheard her father talking about changing her diaper.

“Well, when I heard that I thought: she’s certainly not elderly, and what other class of people wear diapers?”

After publishing his findings in a peer reviewed journal, the world immediately took to social media in disbelief, spreading the news almost within the hour. The mystery of why young North West cried at inopportune moments was finally solved, and the world rested a little easier.

Suge Knight Continues Faking Illnesses To Gain Sympathy, Get Jail Time Lowered

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

After Suge Knight collapsed in court on Tuesday, reports suggest that the rapper is to continue faking illness until he either receives a light sentence or total reprieve. Knight is on trial for armed robbery, as well as the more recent alleged murder of two rivals. If found guilty, he may spend the rest of his life behind bars, bringing to an end the career of a man who has been a continual threat to the safety of important players in the rap industry.

“Fainting was quite the move – I think he got that one from Oscar Pistorius,” said attorney, Theo Groenwalt. “Next, he’s going to do the puking, maybe pull out clumps of hair. Who knows? He might even expose himself to toxic levels of radiation and contract cancer. That would get him sympathy at least.”

Knight already spent 5 years in jail which ended in 2001, for an assault he committed with compatriot Tupac Shakur, shortly before Shakur’s still unsolved murder. Speculation further suggests that Knight may have had a role to play in the rap legend’s death. He was in the same car at the time of the fatal drive-by shooting.

“I’m glad he’s going to rot in prison,” said rap fan, Michael Trent. “I’m sure he killed 2Pac, and with him the heart and soul of the music industry. I can’t forgive him for that.”

But Knight is already well on his way to a reduced sentence. Associates say that it is unlikely that the badass rapper is really going to be felled by some minor illness, and that he must have a plan in place.

“My man Suge knows hot to deal,” said one friend. “He got a brilliant plan goin. Get publicity, get a court date, then get the fuck outta there.”

The office of the public prosecutor has, however, assured the public that Knight will not get off scot-free. They promised that the only way he gets let out because of illness, is if he dies from it. Then, they said, they’ll “be proved wrong. But we’re willing to take the chance.”

New MTV Show to Follow Future Teenage Drug Addicts

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

MTV have announced that they are in production of a groundbreaking new reality series, which will follow the early lives of future teen drug addicts. According to their statement, the show will begin its first run as early as January 2016, at which stage they will have footage of the protagonists’ sixth year of life, and will continue for at least nine seasons, at which stage the kids are expected to be full-fledged addicts.

“It’s more than just a reality show,” said producer Darren McArthur. “It’s a sociological experiment. We’ve selected kids from backgrounds which will clearly lead to a life of struggle with mental illness leading to addiction.”

There will be ten kids, consisting of five boys and five girls from poor socioeconomic circumstances, with parents who beat them and are already addicts themselves.

“We’re going to ensure that they go to schools with high levels of poverty and which are known to produce gangsters and drug dealers. That way, they won’t have a chance of coming out clean.”

The first season will feature footage of the children being beaten by inebriated parents, drinking alcohol left irresponsibly in accessible areas, and other things which will surely lead to them having few options in life.

“If any options open up to them, we’ll be sure to quell them. This show will only work if these kids go in the direction we see them following. It would not be fair to the other crew and cast members if one of the kids makes something of his or her life.”

We asked McArthur what he felt the series would bring to the lives of Americans, and if he could respond to potential moral objections.

“America needs to see the culture in which addiction is bred. Only then can we begin to stop the disease which is damaging our great nation. And if Americans can’t stomach the sight of kids being raised badly, they’re in the wrong country.”

Liza Minnelli Voted ‘Most Fabulous Junkie’ in Rehab

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN DIEGO, California –

Acclaimed singer and actress Liza Minnelli is reportedly the most fabulous junkie in Hope Winters Rehabilitation Center. Fellow addicts have unanimously agreed that the Cabaret star’s general demeanor, appearance, and movement and gait, are all far superior to the average alcoholic or narcotics user.

“This is a rehab for the upper class, super-super-rich, and we get lots of celebrities here, but none as fabulous as Liza,” said curator Don Hamilton. “We consider ourselves very fortunate to have the privilege of treating this generally gorgeous individual, and humble ourselves as regular, non-fabulous societal rejects before her.”

Famous alumni of the center include Charlie Sheen, Gerard Way, Nigella Lawson, and Lindsay Lohan – none of whom come anywhere near to Minnelli’s objectively superb fashion sense and mode of being.

“Liza has totally lit this place ablaze with her presence,” said a fellow narcotics user, on condition of anonymity. “Out of all the junkies I’ve met in my life – and there have been many – I’ve never met one who carries herself as fabulously as Liz. Usually, they’re downtrodden and miserable, and have scars on their arms and legs. She’s totally different: not a single scar!”

Minnelli’s spokesperson, Henrietta Birgitte, told media that the performer is flattered to have been voted into the position, and wants her supporters to know that no matter how low she falls, she’ll never lose her fabulousness.

“Her spirits are high, and her hair is looking better than ever,” said Birgitte. “She’s been performing songs from the various musicals she’s been in, entertaining the druggies with her vast talent, and even performed her part of My Chemical Romance’strack, Mama.”

Various tv networks have expressed interest in filming a reality series at the center. Suggested titles have included “Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous (Junkies)”, “Cabare-hab”, and “Liza Minnelli’s Twelve Step Dance Program”.

New Law Requires Kim Kardashian to Obtain Permit to Have More Kids

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Kim Kardashian has made no secret of her burning desire for another child. The mother of one apparently wants a sibling for North, in order to help the firstborn through the travails of having been named after a direction. However, the socialite has hit a major obstacle, in that a new law has been passed, requiring Kardashian to get a permit to have any further children.

“There has been much talk in the past of possible permit laws for any citizen to have children, with jail time for failing to comply,” said the creator of the bill, Jim Fountain. “I mean, you need a permit to go fishing, know what I’m saying? It’s been called impractical, which I understand, but with Kim it would just be far too irresponsible to allow her to have kids without qualification.”

The text of the law listed a number of reasons for singling Kardashian out:

Calling her daughter North West is a low point for any mother
She’s famous for a sex tape and nothing more
She garnered public attention by balancing a champagne glass on her naked butt
She’s famous for a fucking sex tape!!!
The father would likely be Kanye West – I wouldn’t trust him with a burrito, let alone a child; it’s a wonder that no one has stepped in to prevent him being around North
Her claim to fame is a sex tape – seriously, what is the world coming to? Well, her sex tape I guess…

Kardashian herself is yet to comment, but husband Kanye released a clip on YouTube, in which he rambled about the injustice of the law.

“Kim is the greatest mother that ever lived, she’s got the greatest daddy right here, I’m a genius and that makes her genius by association. Haters are out there tryna get back at us for being so perfect.”

But he admitted that conception is unlikely in any case.

“While we fuckin, she says to me, she says ‘Imma let you finish’, and then she pulls away, and so I never get to finish. She thinks it’s funny. Seriously, woman. Maybe she shouldn’t have kids.”

Center for Disease Control Reports ‘Zombie Movie’ Virus Finally Declining

Posted on March 24, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After years of the uncontrollable so-called “Zombie Movie” virus infecting nearly the entire world, the CDC (Center for Disease Control) released a statement saying it has run its course and is beginning to fade away.

“This disease is deadly because it grows so quickly,” a representative said. “Companies make zombie movies and people eat them up. Those people bring their friends into the mix, who then bring their friends, and so-on.”

Especially with the rise of superhero movies, adaptations of fairy tales, and indie films, the zombie movie genre is expected to reach its pre-millennium state of about one movie per year, down from twelve. The CDC warns, however, that the nature of the virus is deceptive.

“It could surge back at any time. All it takes is one infectious movie and the entire industry will turn into a horde of genre-milking mindless zombies once again.”

A similar outbreak occurred in the past with the Vampire Movie Virus, although society as a whole was able to completely stop its self-sustaining spread thanks to the Twilight series.

The CDC shared a list of four ways to prepare for the inevitable return of the virus:

Unboard your windows. Keeping yourself locked inside with the deadly “Netflix” agitator could lead to multiple viewings of zombie flicks.
Diversify your interests. CDC recommends purchasing a Kindle and at least branching out to 50 Shades of Grey, preferably going as far as reading something educational.
Avoid other zombies. If you know someone who is a zombie-buff, stay away from them for at least 30 days to rebuild your immunity.
And finally, check out some media from your parents’ generation, but beware that prolonged exposure to modern entertainment may degrade one’s ability to appreciate quality films.

Experts say with proper care and quick handling of outbreaks, zombie movies may all but disappear by 2018.

Man Cuts Off Own Nose To Spite Wife’s Face

Posted on March 24, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Local father Benjamin Straub has cut off his own nose in order to spite his wife’s face. Mrs. Straub apparently has an aversion to her face directly touching her husband’s, and relied on the appendage serving as a boundary between them. Now that it is gone, there is nothing to stop the very essence of the spiteful man’s visage from touching her.

“He cut off his nose to spite my face,” the distraught woman told reporters. “Who does that? What are people going to think when they see my face? They’ll think, ‘there goes the woman whose face is in constant contact with her husband’s skull. She’s disgusting.’”

Straub’s psychiatrist however, thinks there were alternate reasons that the man went to such lengths.

“He’s always wanted to do it,” said Dr William Peters. “The first time I saw him, he said to me, ‘I hate my face. I want to hurt it.’ We worked really hard on this hatred and I thought we were getting somewhere. But when he no longer wanted to spite his own face, he found an excuse to cut it off anyway. Seems like it’s just a weird fetish. We’ll get to sorting it out at some point – just as soon as we’re done with his daddy issues and fear of the government.”

Friends say that Straub has always seemed rather off to them, and that his latest irreversible incident does not surprise them in the least.

“Benjamin’s always had a thing for cutting off body parts,” said former college companion Richard Porter. “When we were freshmen he cut off his left ear, sophomore year he cut off his left. A few years later he gouged both his eyes out, and then after his marriage he moved on to the bigger limbs. I mean, since he cut off his left arm and both his legs, all he had left was his nose and mouth. I’d worry for his more intimate parts if I was Jennifer [Straub].”

As of press time, Mrs Straub had reportedly cut off her husband’s penis as an attempt to preempt further actions he might regret.

Lady Gaga Gets Engaged; World Shocked It’s To A Human

Posted on March 24, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

Following the very public drama of Lady Gaga’s divorce from Xxzorzg, the fading star has done something that some are questioning to be a publicity stunt. She is engaged to marry a human, with a date set for next spring.

“This is clearly just a cry for attention,” analyst L. N. Ripley told Empire News. “I’m not even sure if she’s actually a human herself. It’s just another crazy stunt – and considering the fact that you’re interviewing me about it, I’d say it worked.”

Gaga’s previous partner expressed how her actions are taking a toll on him.

“It would be one thing if she was probing my buddy or something, but a human? It really does a number on your self esteem. And it just hurts to see her putting on this charade. At least she willingly talked to Taylor Swift – that was pretty weird.”

Since the engagement, Gaga has been spotted out in public doing “normal human things” like jumping into icy lakes and wearing outfits that aren’t comprised of seemingly completely random objects. Fiancé Taylor Kinney seems to have no qualms with her past love life.

Lady Gaga has only made one comment on the matter, choosing to dismiss and avoid the situation rather than fan the flames.

“My fans used to love me when I acted crazy. That’s just not me anymore. I’m not an alien – I’m just a normal chick making normal music and living a normal life,” she said as she finished zipping up her human disguise bodysuit.

New Film Features Crossover Between ‘The Hangover,’ ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’

Posted on March 23, 2015 by Justin Birch

HOLLYWOOD, California –

It’s a crossover that no one expected but everyone is raving about – ‘The Hangover,’ directed by Todd Phillips, and ‘Nightmare on Elm Street,’ directed by Wes Craven, come together as the two great minds collaborate on ‘Hangover on Elm Street.’

Canonically, the film is removed from both preceding series, meaning it is meant to be taken as an entirely standalone story. Familiar faces from both films are expected to appear: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifinakis, and Justin Bartha, as well as the legendary and the apparently immortal Robert Englund, better known as Freddy Krueger, whose career has shown no signs of slowing since 1974.

While not many details have been leaked, as the film is still in the midst of production, the plot appears to lean heavily toward the horror original. It may involve just about everyone passing out drunk after an epic bachelor party, and falling victim to Krueger’s claws in an almost satirically cheesy manner similar to the original ‘Nightmare on Elm Street.’ Ken Jeong as Mr. Chow is expected to make an appearance, doing something racist and drug related, and then promptly dying.

In order to attract the greatest male audience, most of the female roles have been re-casted with much younger actresses. Craven and Phillips fully intend to imbue the same or better sexual content in the new film.

Initial responses to the film have been varied, some citing it as a possible “bad sequel” to the legendary classic art film and the lesser but still noteworthy horror flick. The idea seems to be warming, though, as fans from both sides realize that compared to most recent films, it would take serious effort for this to look like anything other than gold.

Azealia Banks Playboy Spread Proves No One Actually Reads Articles

Posted on March 23, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

With the recent appearance of Azealia Banks posing nude in an edition of Playboy, the magazine’s editors still seem to be unaware that no one actually reads the magazine.

When asked about Banks and her insightful comments in the issue of Playboy, straight men and lesbians everywhere divided into two camps: those who didn’t even realize there was text alongside each picture, and those who know what Google Image Search is.

From the first camp, Sarah, 26, explained her surprise.

“Wow, it’s like an optical illusion! First all I saw was boobs, but after you pointed it out the words just magically appeared!”

She later commented that she still wasn’t going to read it, since she didn’t really care what Banks had to say and was more concerned about how much wasted space the text takes up when it could be filled by pictures.

On the other side, 20 year-old college student Zach mentioned that he didn’t understand why or how Playboy still published a magazine:

“People seriously still pay for that? I can find an endless stream of dirty pictures – including all of the ones in this magazine – on Google in a matter of seconds.”

Banks herself took to social media to explain that she really wanted her fans to read her comments, and that she didn’t just do it for money or attention. She cited it as a move toward equality, or something, and then posted more scantily-clad photos of herself. Despite her request, even loyal fans find themselves in either Zach or Sarah’s situation.