New Study Finds Eating Dried Seaweed Can Cure Diabetes

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Most of the nation is overweight or obese, and a good majority of Americans suffer from diabetes, but a new food study may help to combat the scourge of high blood sugar.

According to the Toyko Medical Journal, a diet consisting of dried, salted seaweed snacks can help to cure diabetes in patients who suffer from the disease. Dr. Hoy Mokato has been studying the effects of seaweed on diabetics for more than a decade, and has recently published his findings.

“Seaweed is plentiful and inexpensive, and high in iodine and other nutrients good for your diet,” said Mokato. “In a person with diabetes, eating nothing but dried seaweed has the effect of curing their ailment. It is a remarkable step in reversing the effects diabetics can suffer from.”

According to Mokato, a person who suffers from diabetes needs to eat a single serving of dried, salted seaweed every day – approximately 4oz – and nothing else.

“Eat one packet of seaweed, and drink 8 to 10 glasses of water a day,” said Mokato. “If you do this, and you eat and drink nothing else for 5 to 6 months, your body will rid itself of your diabetes. I have seen it happen in 100% of my patients, and it will work for everyone.”

Mokato plans to fully publish his results in the coming months.

Upstart Company Designs Vaporizer For Use With Smoking Crack Cocaine

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

A new company based out of New York City claims they have invented a modified version of a vaporizer machine, used mostly by hipsters and often referred to as ‘vaping,’ for using in smoking crack cocaine. The machines, which currently use a liquid ‘juice’ that contain only some of the ingredients found in cigarettes, are often allowed where cigarettes are not, as they don’t contain the same types of harmful chemicals when exhaled.

“We invented a machine that would allow crack smokers to get their fix more openly, and with a more smooth feeling,” said CrackRockers CEO Joe Goldsmith. “We are all heavy vapers, and that honestly lead to some other drugs for us. I only ever smoked cigarettes. Then I got into e-cigs. Then vaping. And then eventually weed, and from there, it was all downhill.”

After an arrest in 2013 for smoking crack in a public place, Goldsmith says he “got his shit together,” and started CrackRockers.

“I took one of my old vaping machines, and I modified it heavily to be able to accept crack rocks,” said Goldsmith. “It took me over a year to get a machine that worked, but we ended up with was a vape that allowed crack smokers to enjoy all the highs that crack offers, but without tasting like you’re smoking plastic out of a homeless man’s unwashed asshole.”

Goldsmith says that he is currently working to patent the product, and that he hopes, with less-strict regulation on drugs in many states, to have the item available to the public within the next year.

Children With Imaginary Friends More Likely To Be Gay, Study Finds

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at Boston Medical School have been studying children who claim that they have “imaginary friends” for over 2 decades, and their findings – which were released today – are shocking.

“Children who have imaginary friends are 89% more likely to turn out to be gay,” said professor Joe Goldsmith of the Boston Medical School. “We have no idea why this is the case, but in following 200 young children, 100 of whom played with imaginary friends, and 100 of whom did not, from the ages of 3 to 23, a staggering 100% of the children without IFs, as well call them, were straight. Of the children with IFs, 90 of them turned out to be gay.”

Goldsmith says that they are continuing to search for the link between the imaginary friend and homosexual tendencies, but so far, they are coming up empty-handed.

“We have no idea why this kids are, almost without fail, growing up to be gay,” said Goldsmith. “The nice thing, though, is that if your child is often playing with an imaginary friend, you can almost be assured of their homosexuality later in life. It’s a real tell of what’s to come.”

The study was funded, in part, by the American Psychiatric Association and the Catholic church.

‘Ultra Absorbent’ Tampons Blamed For 43 Deaths In California

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

In a climate that is often very dry and barren, many women do not get enough fluids on a regular basis. This in itself can be hazardous enough, but when coupled with a new line of “ultra absorbent” tampons, the results have been deadly.

“Tampax released a new line of ‘super, ultra absorbent’ tampons earlier this year,” said Dr. Myles Kenifick. “Since that time, we have seen over 40 deaths of women who used them, as the tampons not only did their job in absorbing the monthly menses, but it also sucked out much of their body’s water as well.”

Dr. Kenefick says that most of the woman who died has used the tampons because of a “heavy flow,” but the tampons were so good at their job, they were actually absorbing water and nutrients from the body as well.

“We’ve come from an extremely dry year,” said Dr. Kenifick. “These women were already partially dehydrated, and not drinking enough water. With these tampons inserted, it was the last thing their body could handle.”

Dr. Kenefick is warning women who use any ultra absorbent tampons to stay extra hydrated. If that isn’t possible, he says that women should “stick to pads.”

Bear Grylls Hospitalized With Urine Poisoning

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

McMURDO STATION, Antarctica –

Edward Michael “Bear” Grylls, an explorer who is best known for his TV series Man Vs. Wild, was reportedly hospitalized while on a trek in Antarctica. Reports indicate that Grylls was rushed to a facility in McMurdo Station after complaining of violent stomach cramps.

“When he arrived, Mr. Grylls was in severe pain, and we ran multiple tests,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the McMurdo General Hospital. “In questioning him, we discovered that it was quite common for him to drink his own urine while on his treks. When we checked, his urea-levels were off the charts.”

According to Brown, it is actually not completely unsafe to drink your own urine, as it is mostly water, sodium, and potassium, but that you can only do so once, maybe twice, before your urine becomes poisonous.

“You could wake up tomorrow, and drink your pee, and you’d be fine,” said Brown. “You could probably drink your next pee, too. After that, you’re starting to drink pee that has gone through your system multiple times, and that is going to cause problems. That is what happened to Mr. Grylls.”

At the time of this writing, Grylls was still hospitalized, and was having his system flushed with clean, clear liquids.

“We highly recommended that Mr. Grylls no longer drinks his own pee,” said Brown.

American Medical Association To Recognize ‘Negrophobia’ As Legitimate Mental Illness

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Medical Association released today a statement announcing the addition of ‘Negrophobia’ to the list of official, diagnosable mental illnesses. Negrophobia, which is the fear of black people, was formerly referred to by its more common name, Racism.

“The AMA has made huge advancements in the last 50 years in the understanding of Negrophobia,” said AMA president, Dr. Emmett Brown. “You see, a person who suffers from Negrophobia cannot help but to become terrified of black people. In a normal situation, a non-Negrophobic can rationalize that, hey, that’s just another person. Negrophobics, on the other hand, cannot, and that is where the mental illness comes into play.”

Brown says that it is hard to judge how many people throughout the world may be Negrophobic, but that it seems that many of the mentally ill individuals have gotten jobs in public service, such as law enforcement.

“Judging by the vast amount of headlines of white police officers shooting black men, it is clear that this Negrophobia is a huge problem in the law enforcement world,” said Brown. “The reason the AMA is releasing this information now is so that companies, and agencies who find that they may have higher-than-normal amounts of Negrophobia in their organization can work with the individuals to get them the treatment they need.”

Brown says that the AMA is recommending treatment such as “pulling your head out of your ass” for individuals suffering from Negrophobia.

Mom Claims Her Teenage Daughter Was Impregnated By Flu Shot

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island –

A teenage girl has reportedly gotten pregnant after receiving a routine flu shot at a local pharmacy, according to the teen’s mom, Roxanne Myers.

Myers claims that her virgin, 16-year-old daughter, Rebecca, was impregnated after receiving her yearly flu shot a the family’s local CVS pharmacy.

“Rebecca is a sweet, innocent girl who has never even had a boyfriend,” said Myers, 44. “I asked her if she had ever had sex, and she said no, so the only possible explanation is that she got pregnant from the flu shot we got at the CVS.”

Doctors have tried explaining to Myers that her daughter could not possibly have gotten pregnant from the flu shot, and that there is probably a more “rational” explanation for her pregnancy.

“I told them that Rebecca was a virgin, but they didn’t believe me,” said Myers. “I know that the flu can’t get you pregnant, but what I think happened is that some young, horny stockboy at the CVS probably masturbated into the vaccine, or maybe onto the needles, I don’t know where. But regardless, his semen got my Becky pregnant, and I’m going to sue!”

Rebecca Myers, wisely, had no comment on the circumstances regarding her pregnancy.

U.S. Teens Abusing Epidurals In Dangerous New Drug Trend

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Already stricken with a massive heroin epidemic, many towns in New England are shocked to hear of a dangerous new trend by their local teenage drug users – unregulated epidurals.

The drug, given to pregnant women as an injection in the spine during childbirth, provides an almost completely immobile state, and teens say it’s one of the “best highs” they’ve ever experienced.

“Oh hell yeah man, I’ve done the Eps a few times now, and it’s fucking great,” said Joey Goldsmith, 16. “I used to just smoke weed, maybe some ‘shrooms once in a while, but then my buddy turned me onto Eps, and I can’t get enough of it. Your whole body goes numb, you can’t move. Hell, sometimes I even shit myself without knowing it. Best high ever, bro.”

Doctors say that epidurals, although mostly safe under controlled conditions in hospitals, does carry risks, especially when being injected by non-experienced users.

“Heroin was bad enough. We see so many ODs, but we also get infections from bad injections,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the Concord General Hospital in Concord, New Hampshire. “With epidurals, the needle actually has to go directly into the spine, and it’s very complicated. Someone could be permanently paralyzed if they were injected improperly.”

“I’ve had probably 15 epidurals this week alone,” said user Joanne Couch, 14. “It’s really intense. I can’t move my legs at all, and I can barely move my hands. Lots of times, I take it, and then the guys I’m with have sex with me, but I can’t stop them, because I can’t move. I guess it’s rape, but I don’t really mind, because Eps are awesome. So much fun having someone stick you in the spine. It’s like tickles all over, but on the inside. It’s fun!”

Health officials warn that if your teen is taking epidurals, they may have some severe mental health problems.

“Ask your children if they have experienced an epidural, or Eps, as the kids call it, and get them help immediately,” said Brown.

‘Trendy’ Parents Won’t Acknowledge Baby’s Gender, Say ‘Let Baby Decide’

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

A new trend rising among young parents is to not acknowledge their new baby’s gender based on their genitalia, saying that referring to a young child as “he” or “she” could be considered ableist and transphobic.

“Our new baby has female genitalia, but we do not say ‘she’ when referring to it,” said mother Amanda Barnes, 21. “We don’t know if Baby Pat will choose to be a woman or man as it gets older, and we are definitely not forcing any stereotypes onto our child. That is disgusting.”

Many new parents say that they have decided to not provide gender information even to their own relatives, instead asking that their children be referred to as “babyself.”

“I have two children, a 3-year-old and a newborn baby, and we refer to them as ‘toddlerself’ and ‘babyself,’ because no one is putting labels on my children, not even me,” said Leslie Jones, 26, of Los Angeles. “When they are old enough to choose what gender they want to be, then that’s when we’ll start using proper pronouns. For now, they’re just baby and toddler.”

When asked why she did not name her children, Jones says that would be going “too far.”

“If I chose the wrong name, based on their genitalia and not their chosen gender, what would that make me look like as a parent? As a human being?” said Jones. “That’s disgusting, and no parents should be naming their children. You can’t choose gender, and you shouldn’t choose names, either.”

Homosexuality To Be Placed Back On APA List Of Mental Disorders

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAKE SAINT LOUIS, Missouri –

In 1952, the American Psychiatric Association listed homosexuality as a ‘mental disorder’ in their official guides to psychiatric medicine. It remained on the books for over 20 years, being removed in 1973. Now, 40 years later, the APA has decided, after decades of study, to place homosexuality back on the list of mental disorders.

“We removed the ‘diagnosis’ in 1973, because we were just coming out of the 60s. You know, free love, everyone was screwing everybody, and a lot of the APA members back then, they’d done a lot of acid and a ton of ecstasy, and they had just had sex with anything,” said APA president Joseph Goldsmith. “APA men were doing other APA men, and it was a trying time. Because of the experimentation of the 60s, we removed homosexuality as being a mental illness. Mostly because none of these APA members wanted to be thought of us mentally unstable.”

Goldsmith says that they have decided to place homosexuality back into their official list of mental disorders, because new research has determined that it is, in fact, not ‘normal’ to be gay.

“People think it’s genetic or something, but it’s definitely not,” said Goldsmith. “We know they’re not born that way, and we know that no one in their right mind would choose to be gay…and if they’re not in their right mind, then they are, in the simplest of terms, mentally ill.”

Goldsmith says that although ‘all the gays’ will now be technically classified as mentally ill, there are some upsides.

“Now they can score medical marijuana, as a possible relief from their mental illness, so that’s a big plus,” said Goldsmith. “Sadly, they will no longer be able to marry, because they don’t have the mental capacity to sign anything, regardless of federal rule. But hell, you win some, you lose some, right?”