Shire Pharmaceutical Company Announces Plans To Release Adderall As Over-The-Counter Medication

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

Shire, PLC, the company that manufacturers the prescription drug Adderall, has reportedly reached an agreement with the federal government to have their drug’s schedule 2 status removed, and allow for over-the-counter purchases in stores. Currently, Adderall, which is used in the treatment of ADHD in children, teens, and adults, is only available through prescription from a doctor or license medical professional.

“We have finally reached an agreenement with the necessary agencies and we can announce that Adderall will become fully available, in multiple strengths, in an OTC, or over-the-counter manner, starting later this year,” said Shire spokesman Andy Roider. “We as a company feel that most people know when they have attention or focusing problems, but they need to see a doctor to get a prescription, and that’s a hassle. This will cut out the middle man.”

Adderall, which is one of – if not the most – abused prescription drugs in the United States, is commonly taken by high school and college-aged students who want to stay awake for long periods of time, whether it be to study or to party.

“Oh man, I took like 400mg of Addie the other day,” said high school junior Mark Dodson. “I’ve been up since Saturday. Seriously, it’s fucking awesome. I love Adderall. But they’re like $10 a pill right now, and it’s insane. I can’t wait for them to be legal to just buy. I’ll get mine at Wal-Mart in bulk. It’s going to be so amazing.”

Many parents are upset that their children will have regular access to the drug, and say that it’s only going to increase the amount of kids who are abusing it.

“It’s bad enough that they legalized weed in Colorado where we live, now they’re going to just let my kid start taking pills legally, too?” said a mother of a 15-year-old teenage girl, Kelsey, in Aspen. “I’ve gotten Kelsey off of marijuana, cigarettes, booze, tar, crack, and molly – now I’m going to have to get her off her anticipated Adderall addiction. Wow, thanks big pharma.”

The drug is slated to be downgraded in the fall, pending government sign-off.

Two Men Transported To Hospital After Horrible ‘Docking’ Sex-Act Accident

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

Two unnamed men were admitted to a San Francisco hospital yesterday after becoming stuck together during a sex-act known as ‘docking.’ Apparently popular in the homosexual community, docking is when a man sticks the head of his erect penis against the head of his partner’s, and his partner will cover his penis with the foreskin. The pair then perform mutual masturbation while standing or laying next to one another.

Doctors say that the men, who were both in their early 30s, were brought into the emergency room after becoming ‘fused together’ while docking.

“Basically, the man’s foreskin was too tight to really stretch around his partner’s penis, and when they began the act, the skin pulled tighter. This, mixed with sweat and pre-ejaculate, caused the men to be stuck together,” said Dr. Patrick Darcy of the San Francisco General Hospital. “We brought the pair into surgery, where we essentially performed an adult circumcision on one of the men. It was quick, but no doubt extremely painful for both of them.”

A nurse who spoke with Empire News under the promise of annonymity said that she almost couldn’t stop laughing when the men were brought in.

“I’m not homophobic or anything. I don’t care what they were doing – hell, it probably felt great before this happened,” said the nurse. “But I tell you, the guys, when they got wheeled in, most of us nurses had to rush to the bathrooms or the break room and just belt out with laughter. It was too much – and I’m not talking about the penis sizes, either.”

The men were treated and released shortly after the minor surgery.

Babies Of Tattooed Parents Could Develop Autism, Says Tattooed Couple

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A couple from Phoenix, Maryland, is taking their lawsuit to the supreme court, after they say that their tattoo artist failed to warn them that the beautiful markings they’ve been getting for years on their skin could cause their children to develop autism.

In the last few years, anti-vaxxers – parents who refuse to vaccinate their children against infectious disease despite sound medical advice on the off chance their child might develop autism – have made national headlines for their general ignorance, and resounding ability to deny logical medical and scientific advice and research.

This case, though, marks the first time that anyone has been concerned over tattoos being linked to autism, a serious mental and cognitive disorder that affects an estimated 1 in 68 children. Stephen and Melissa Slotth, of Maryland, say that their full-sleeve tattoos could potential cause a rift in their future family.

“We don’t have kids yet, but we want to,” said Melissa, 28. “We are trying to conceive. Well, we were trying, until it was brought to our attention that tattoos could possibly cause our child to be Autistic. That’s something we cannot have happen, and we are suing our tattoo artist, his shop, and the American Medical Association for not making this information public sooner.”

According to Melissa, she read an article once on “some website somewhere,” that said that there is a chance that trauma can cause the baby to be born Autistic.

“I’ve had a ton of trauma in the case of all my tattoos,” said Melissa. “My husband Stephen has, too. We don’t want our baby to be born Autistic. What would we do with it? We’d have to put it in a home and try for a regular one, and that’s just time and money and effort we don’t have.”

“We think we have a good case against our tattoo artist, although we are having trouble finding a lawyer to take the case,” said Stephen, 31. “Still, it is worth fighting this battle over so that the public hears our story and knows that if they want babies that aren’t born with mental problems, they shouldn’t get tattooed.”

“According to, well, pretty much everyone who has ever studied anything relating to Autism, prevention, and causes, the Slotths are, for lack of a better term, completely fucking stupid,” said Dr. Charles Greene of the AMA. “Tattoos aren’t going to cause Autism. For crying out loud, you could literally tattoo your baby as it came out and it wouldn’t be any more likely to develop Autism. Please, people – vaccinate your kids. Get tattoos. Live your life. If you want to have a family, have a family. Stop buying into the Slotths and the Jim Carreys and the Jenny McCarthys of the world, and read a book. Learn. You’ll see – everything will be fine. Hell in a handbasket.”

New Study Proves Taking A Shower Immediately After Sex Will Prevent STDs

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Medical Center have discovered a link between cleanliness and STD prevention. According to Dr. Richard Long, after sex with a partner of ‘unknown STD status,’ a regular shower using soap, hot water, and regular shampoo and conditioner, can completely wash away any and all sexually transmitted diseases.

“Basically, it’s really quite simple,” said Long. “If you’re happily humping away with some boy or some girl whose sexual history you don’t know, or who you cannot completely trust to be telling you the truth, just immediately go and take a hot shower after intercourse. If you can manage to get into the shower within 2 minutes of orgasm, you are nearly 100% likely to wash away any STDs you may have been at risk in contracting.”

Long says they tested the theory by having men and women have sex with people who were positively infected with genital herpes, Gonorrhea, crabs, and syphilis. Of the 50 men and 50 women who were exposed via unprotected sex during the study, all were told to continue until climax, and then immediately shower. None of the exposed became infected with an STD.

“We aren’t really sure if we had to make them go until they climaxed, but they weren’t getting paid for this study, so we figured they should get something out of it,” said Long. “That said, though, none of our participants left with an STD. Well, the 50 men and 50 women who had an STD when they came in left with one, but that’s not what I meant.”

Long says that they plan to publish the full study in the next issue of Medical Science Yearly. In the meantime, he says that he hopes that young people “continue to abstain as much as possible, just in case.”

Man Who Ate an Apple a Day Never Went to Doctor, Dies at 27

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

New anecdotal evidence has proved correct the idiom, ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ Paul Slates of Florida, died yesterday never having had to receive medical attention. His parents say that he ate at least one apple every day, and that this had helped him live what may otherwise have been a life filled with illness. Instead, the deceased lived healthily until his death at the age of 27.

“Our Paul was never one to get ill. He made correct decisions in life, and especially when it came to healthy eating,” Paul’s mother, Amelia, told reporters on the scene. “We’re very proud that he had such a strong constitution, and that in all his life he didn’t waver from his commitment to doing what was always for his best.”

Paul’s brother, Roger, confirmed that Paul had followed the idiom to the letter, and that he himself was aspiring to live up to Paul’s example.

“He taught me how to eat, he taught me how to live,” said Roger. “Now I eat an apple every day, sometimes even two, and I never go to the doctor either.”

The Slates’ GP, Dr Jerry Levine, confirmed that Paul had never been to see him.

“In all his 27 years, I never once met Paul. I saw Amelia and [Paul’s father] Henry sometimes five or six times a year, but Paul never came in. It’s a pity he’s dead now, because he could’ve been such a great example to my other patients.”

Initial postmortem results showed traces of cyanide in Paul’s system, which may simply be residue from the minimal amount of the substance found in apple seeds.

Center for Disease Control Reports ‘Zombie Movie’ Virus Finally Declining

Posted on March 24, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After years of the uncontrollable so-called “Zombie Movie” virus infecting nearly the entire world, the CDC (Center for Disease Control) released a statement saying it has run its course and is beginning to fade away.

“This disease is deadly because it grows so quickly,” a representative said. “Companies make zombie movies and people eat them up. Those people bring their friends into the mix, who then bring their friends, and so-on.”

Especially with the rise of superhero movies, adaptations of fairy tales, and indie films, the zombie movie genre is expected to reach its pre-millennium state of about one movie per year, down from twelve. The CDC warns, however, that the nature of the virus is deceptive.

“It could surge back at any time. All it takes is one infectious movie and the entire industry will turn into a horde of genre-milking mindless zombies once again.”

A similar outbreak occurred in the past with the Vampire Movie Virus, although society as a whole was able to completely stop its self-sustaining spread thanks to the Twilight series.

The CDC shared a list of four ways to prepare for the inevitable return of the virus:

Unboard your windows. Keeping yourself locked inside with the deadly “Netflix” agitator could lead to multiple viewings of zombie flicks.
Diversify your interests. CDC recommends purchasing a Kindle and at least branching out to 50 Shades of Grey, preferably going as far as reading something educational.
Avoid other zombies. If you know someone who is a zombie-buff, stay away from them for at least 30 days to rebuild your immunity.
And finally, check out some media from your parents’ generation, but beware that prolonged exposure to modern entertainment may degrade one’s ability to appreciate quality films.

Experts say with proper care and quick handling of outbreaks, zombie movies may all but disappear by 2018.

Dentists Retract Years Of Research, Now Say Candy Helps Teeth Stay Strong

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Warnings of rotting teeth and early dentures immediately spring to mind for many who grew up with health-conscious parents, but a recent trend among dentists may mean that is all about to change.

Dentists all over the world are declaring that candy and other sugar-packed sweets are actually the secret to strong, healthy teeth. This is backed by the ADA, or American Dental Association, who seem to be the originators of the claim. The ADA Seal of Acceptance, which previously appeared on products like toothpaste and some gum, will now appear on many types of candy.

“Hard sugary candies and the sticky stuff that gets stuck to your teeth are the best,” the ADA’s executive director explained. “The old idea that sugar rots your teeth out was akin to the idea that the Earth was flat – really just ignorant assumption.”

Everything in moderation, of course – too much isn’t good for you, experts say, just like drinking five gallons of water in a day isn’t good for you. Most dentists agree that if your teeth end up rotting out and you have to shell out thousands of dollars to them for operations and dental products, you most likely have poor dental hygiene habits in other areas. The “sweet spot” seems to be five to seven pounds of sugary candy a week.

Researchers across the country have taken an interest in this new return-to-candy movement as people seem to be visiting dentists more than ever. Many have mysteriously also retracted their statements, instead praising the ADA for its great research.

Adding Cheese To All Foods In Your Diet Could Be Great Way To Die Young

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

CARSONVILLE, Iowa –

With retirement funds disappearing, job security becoming a myth, debilitating diseases running rampant, and old age divorces at an all time high, early deaths are becoming an attractive prospect for many resourceful men and women. This presents several problems, of course: pain, effort leading up to death, and possibly unpaid life insurance – not to mention open caskets and closure for family members. The solution is surprisingly simple: cheese.

By eating cheese with or for every meal, depending on the starting age, one could expect to die as young as 23 – the ideal age for college-goers who do not wish to experience the soulcrushing rigors of normal adult life. The cause of death will most likely be stroke or heart attack.

While these are not without pain, they are much less painful than other methods. Furthermore, eating cheese often is an easy, snowballing method that requires no effort; in fact, since cheese is such a varied and great tasting food, it can even be fun. It is a nonviolent way to go, leaving families with better chances for closure, an open casket, less likelihood for life insurance denial, and less likelihood to chicken out at the last second.

Experts say as much as a single ounce every other day is enough for many, but to be sure, an ounce per day or more is suggested. Many people, Americans especially, consume this amount on a daily basis without even realizing it; all that’s needed is to stop exercising and perhaps drink less water, which certainly isn’t a problem for the USA.

Doctors Say Wrapping Penis In Bacon Is ‘100% Effective’ Contraceptive

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A new and delicious method of contraception is being touted as the end to unwanted pregnancy. Doctors say that after many tests, including their own private experiments, wrapping the penis in bacon is 100% effective at preventing conception. Although the mechanics of the method have not been divulged, speculators say that it will revolutionize not just contraception, but sex itself.

“Many sex-hungry adults already incorporate food into their coitus,” said Thibaut Mannis. “From chocolate body paint, to eating peanut butter out of a vagina, our nations borderline perverts have come up with a large variety of ways to utilize the sensation of taste into their experience. This development takes it to a new level.”

Teenage pregnancies in particular are expected to drop drastically, as it is no secret that US youth love bacon as much or more than sex itself.

“The idea of using our nation’s obesity problem to counter irresponsible sexual practices is simply ingenious,” said analyst Michael Barker. “Instead of fighting a losing battle, we’re going to take advantage of one health issue to solve another. Brilliant.”

Michelle Obama is reportedly a fan of the new method, with sources saying it fits in with her drive for healthier eating.

“The First Lady knows that she’ll never succeed at getting bacon off the menu,” said spokesperson Hazel Truman. “She long ago resigned herself to the fact that that unhealthy choice is here to stay. So giving the consumption of bacon a positive use is very much in line with her policies. Furthermore, she reckons that, with the meat potentially being swallowed up by vaginas, it may prevent a certain amount of oral ingestion. Except in the case of oral sex of course.”

Doctor Randy Dougan, who led the groundbreaking study, accepted the plaudits.

“I am a brilliant mind with an even better sexlife,” he announced. “The combination of those aspects, along with my love for food, have brought me to prominence, and I will go down in history, as many horny lovers go down on each other to the delicious taste of pig.”

Scientist Says He Discovered Cure For AIDS; Reportedly ‘Very Simple’

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Bill McGregor may soon be a household name. The father of five and microphysicist believes he has found the long sought after cure for AIDS. What’s more, he claims it is very simple and has little to do with science.

“It’s been staring us in the face, all this time, and somehow all the greatest minds of our generation have missed it,” McGregor told a gathering of AIDS specialists. “It comes down to basic common sense. In fact, I got the idea from my newborn daughter.”

The AIDS virus came to medical attention in 1981, spreading mainly among homosexuals, but soon became an epidemic. It spread globally, leading to a particularly huge number of casualties on the African continent. Scientists and doctors have spent the three decades since trying to find a cure for it, as well as a vaccine, with little success. Only recently has treatment made it possible for victims to live with the disease.

It is in this context that McGregor’s discovery is seen. If proven effective, it will bring relief to hundreds of millions of patients, both now and in the future.

“What it comes down to, is infecting the patient with another, more deadly virus, or inflicting immense physical damage on them,” McGregor told his colleagues. “Once they have contracted, for example, Ebola, they are no longer at risk of dying from AIDS. It’s really quite remarkable.”

His inspiration came, he explained, when he accidentally threw his newborn child against a wall.

“We were really worried about Amy at the time, because she was born with a heart defect. Doctors told us she could live a relatively long life, but would have to have regular surgery and blood transfusions. After the accident, the doctors gave her ten hours to live, and we realized her heart problems were over. Since then I’ve been urging other parents of defective children to do the same, and it didn’t take long for me to theorize that the same treatment would work effectively against AIDS.”

McGregor has been hailed as a genius, and is expected to win a Nobel Prize for his contributions to medical science.