Chelsea Clinton Announces Plan To Run Against Her Mother In 2016 Presidential Primary

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an unexpected move, Chelsea Clinton has announced her plans to run in the presidential primaries in 2016. This will be the first time a mother and daughter have competed against each other for the official hot seat.

Although she has no political experience, the 34-year-old says that her father’s time as president has put her in good stead.

“Old Bill provided a good role model for me,” she stated in a letter to the press. “He did some really good stuff while in office, but that Monica Lewinsky business – that’s what stuck with most people. I know it’s not popular to say, but it kinda saved his reputation. Were it not for that public stain, the metaphoric one, not the literal one, he’d barely be remembered as the butter between the Bush sandwich. So I know what I have to do if things start going downhill.”

She also said that her mother’s position as secretary of state, as well as her own failed and current presidential bids, have only helped her cause.

“My mom’s the favorite among the Democrats, even though no one likes her. Let’s face it – I’m the only likeable Clinton left.”

Political analysts are divided on what this fresh candidate will mean for 2016. A handful believe she has a chance, because the public are desperate enough to try anything that hasn’t been tried before.

“She’ll probably be shit, but we just cannot know,” said CNN correspondent Merson Mandzukic. “For all we know it will be the best thing to happen to this country. Imagine, for example, that Sarah Palin had been our vice-president, or even president. Most of us shudder at the thought, but could a bumbling idiot with no bad intentions really be worse than some of the dross we’ve had down the line?”

Others have been less kind. Fox reporter, Olga Brown, believes this is the worst thing that could have happened to politics.

“It breaks all the rules of politics,” she was heard complaining to a coworker. “A political career based entirely on the reputation of the family? George Bush, Sr. would be turning in his grave if he was dead.”

Hillary Clinton Insisting Staff Refer To Her As ‘Mrs. President’

Posted on January 21, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Chris Christie. Mike Huckabee. Maybe even Mitt Romney. Apparently Hillary Clinton isn’t fazed by any potential Republican candidates of impeding her ascension to the presidency. Reportedly, Clinton has called a meeting with her internal staff, and demanded that they start addressing her as President Clinton, starting immediately.

Clinton spokesman, Dominic Santori spoke to the media. “First of all, Mrs. Clinton has not announced that she will be seeking the democratic nomination for president. I’m not saying she’s ruling out a potential run, but nothing is official. If or when it is, I can assure you we will let you know. Until then, Mrs. Clinton is touring to support her New York Times bestselling book, Hard Choices.”

Another member of Clinton’s staff spoke on condition of anonymity. “Of course she’s going to run,” cited the staffer. “This is history here. The first woman president? Why wouldn’t she want that honor? She’s running, trust me, and she’s winning.”

The staffer also confirmed that Clinton, in preparation for the run, is asking her staff to refer to her as Miss President, or President Clinton. “She wants to get used to being referred as that. Although we’re still debating if she should be called Ms., Miss, or Mrs. President. It could be Madam. We have to be prepared for that day in 2016.”

“Bill Clinton has been a part of these meetings as well, and he tried calling his wife ‘Miss President’ a few times, but kept laughing. After a few hours and cocktails, he was able to say it with a straight face. Mrs. Clinton also had a laugh referring to him as the First Lady. She joked they’ll finally have something in common. Those two have a fantastic marriage. They are going to make a great President and First Lady, again.”

Marijuana Infused Desserts To Be Made Legal For Sale Nationwide

Posted on January 21, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Peter Carlton, Chief of political negotiations for the National Board of Marijuana Legalities, announced this morning that marijuana-infused brownies and other pastries will be declared legal, once President Obama signs the bill into law.

Carlton, who made the highly anticipated announcement on Capitol Hill, says that congress made the right decision while ultimately making history.

“This is a huge step toward the overall legalization of marijuana. Once the bill is signed into law, it will bring the federal government one step closer to ending the unjustified prohibition of marijuana in the United States of America,” Carlton told the Associated Press. “All American citizens aged twenty-one and over will be able to walk into any liquor store in America, and purchase marijuana infused brownies, cakes, and cookies. I don’t know about you but I call this progress.”

The Obama Administration has made its pro-stance on marijuana well-known, and the President is expected to sign the bill based on statements he made last week at the National Convention of Innovative Nature Provisions and Resources.

“As our hard-working, blue-collar nation, consisting of the great, good-hearted people of America, moves forward one more huge step every day, we realize that many great opportunities lie before us. For instance, the use of taxable medical marijuana and the idea of the complete legalization of recreational marijuana for the use of Americans citizens, who are trusted with consistent and proper judgement. These are the kind of ideas that will cause our struggling but transcending economy to flourish,” President Obama stated during a speech at the annual convention held in Denver, Colorado.

While more and more members of the government are being persuaded daily that the eventual legalization of the schedule I drug is beneficial to all of America, some American citizens say legalizing the pot laced desserts it’s a disgrace such as Jim Pinkerton, a seventy-five year old resident of Huntsville, Alabama.

“I tell ya what it is, it is a disgrace the way our damn government is trying to turn our people into a country of interracial-loving dope heads. My daddy didn’t fight in World War I for a country of these damn liberal pot heads,” Pinkerton said.

The bill is expected to be signed by President Obama next month, and the desserts will be available within the weeks following.

Brother Of Osama bin Laden To Run For President Of The United States In 2016

Posted on January 5, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ALTOS HILLS, California –

Shafig bin Laden, the 57-year-old half-brother of Osama bin Laden, who was born in Hawaii, has announced that he will be running for President of the United States in 2016.

The younger bin Laden, inspired by meeting George W. Bush back in 2001 when Bush told him he had a “strong personality,” says he knows it will be quite difficult to gain the trust of Americans because of name, but that he can be very persuasive.

“I truly believe the American people will learn to accept me and my ideas into their collective hearts,” bin Laden said in a statement released by the Associated Press. “Focus not on my last name, but on the individual that I am. I am nothing like my half-brother. I am an American, I believe in America, something he never accepted.”

The native of Hawaii, who carefully and cautiously refrained from saying his brother’s first name, went on to describe the relationship between the two saying that his “older brother” would pick on him as a teenager for being born in the United States.

“A lot of the hatred he had in his heart for America was because of me. It made him feel inferior and we never got along. He resented that I was from the great U.S. of A,” bin Laden said. “I am my own person, I have my own agenda for the greater good of this beautiful country. Open your hearts, open your guarded minds, please do not prevent the sun from its glorious shine.”

George W. Bush, who is a close personal friend of bin Laden’s, said that he hopes that America will see past the name, and look to the man himself.

“If America could handle me running the White House, then by golly how could they not handle bin Laden?” asked the former president. “He may not look American, but I can surely promise you he’s as proud of this country as anyone. Yes sir, he’s as American as shit on the hooves.”

Bin Laden, who expects a lot of negative feedback, says he will not give up on his quest and that if the people of the United States will not accept him in 2016, he will then seek a seat somewhere in the U.S. Government. “In America we say ‘Go Big or Go Home’, well this is my home, but I must go big anyway. If at first I do not succeed, then I will stand back up and try again and again. America is the land of second chances.”

Georgia Legislature Passes Reparations Bill; Gov’t To Give $2,500 To Every Black Male

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Abe Abrams

ATLANTA, Georgia –

In a move to finally make some amends for slavery, the Georgia State Legislature has passed a reparations bill that will go into effect immediately. The bill, which met very little opposition, will give every black male resident of the state of Georgia a tax-free check for $2,500. The deadline to register for the checks will be April 1st, 2015, with checks set for a November mailing.

“I pushed for this bill to pass and I pushed hard,” said Governor Nathan Deal. ”My fellow Republican governors and I felt it was the time was right to say ‘I’m sorry’. Slavery was a dark time in our history, and no amount of money could ever truly make amends, but all we could afford was $2,500, and even that was pretty damn hard to get.”

“It wasn’t easy getting Obama to release the money from the federal reserve, so I don’t think other states will be able to pass their own bills, at least not soon,” said state representative Bill Jones. “Since it looks like it will only be Georgia, I encourage all black males to move to Georgia and set up residency by Jan. 15th, 2016 if you want your money. Georgia has a lot to offer; good schools, warm weather, and an international airport in case you would like to spend that $2,500 on tickets to Africa or Jamaica or whatever. However you spend the money is your business, but remember it’s only for Georgia residents, so move to Georgia and remember, ‘We’re sorry.'”

“Is Obama an idiot? The republicans hoodwinked him good here,” said Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren. ”If all the African-Americans move to Georgia, who’s going to vote democrat in the other states? Obama just handed the electoral college to the republicans for 2016. Damn him. The least he could do was do it right and have the greedy corporations pay for it.”

NASA Scientists Admit Moon Landing Was A Hoax

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOUSTON, Texas –

NASA officials today admitted what many conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years, that man never walked on the moon. Chief scientist Alan Anderson said the lunar landing hoax had ‘gone on long enough,’ and that it was becoming ridiculous to keep claiming that men have been to the moon.

”You have to understand, NASA was under a lot of pressure when President Kennedy promised the Nation that he’d put a man on the moon before the Ruskies,” said Space Technology Scientist Alan Anderson. “We told him it was impossible, so he knew it had to be faked.”

“As the story goes he threatened to cut off funding if we didn’t go along with the hoax,” said NASA engineer Rod Sterling. “People are smarter these days, and it’s getting more ridiculous and more difficult to keep the lie going. We’re coming forward today to put an end to the lies and the manipulation of the public, and to put a stop to a planned 2018 hoax Mars mission. NASA does a lot of good things, and our technology advances have helped mankind in many ways. I just don’t want to see us waste our time and your tax dollars. We have real work to do.”

NASA spokesmen said that President Obama had, like all presidents before him, knowledge of the hoax, and was required to keep it a secret by the CIA and the White House.

“In the government, it’s normally extremely hard to keep a secret. Something like this, I can’t believe we’ve been able to keep it going this long,” said Anderson. “I mean, Nixon couldn’t keep a break-in at a hotel under wraps, and Clinton couldn’t keep his affairs out of the media for more than 5 minutes. I honestly can’t believe no one has spilled the beans before now.”

Dying Man Confesses He Was Grassy Knoll Sniper Who Assassinated John F. Kennedy

Posted on January 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana –

Charles Ray Peterson, 81, made a shocking confession to family members yesterday as they had gathered to be by his side during his last hours at River Oaks Hospital in New Orleans. Peterson, a native of New Orleans, told his son, Harold Peterson, that he wanted him to gather the family before he was gone. What he told them has left the entire family in absolute disbelief.

“First he told us that he was in Dallas the day that JFK was assassinated, and that he was there when it happened. It was really odd because he had never ever mentioned that he was there that day to anyone after talking about it all these years,” Harold Peterson said. “He looked up and said, ‘It was me! I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll!”

Ever since President John F. Kennedy was shot to death on November 22, 1963, conspiracy theories have circulated about his death and the circumstances of the assassination. Many believed that Lee Harvey Oswald was set up for the killing, and that based on the trajectory in which President Kennedy was hit, the kill shot could not have come from the seventh floor of the Book Depository located in Dealey Plaza.

Curiously, several witnesses died within just a few short years of the assassination from various ‘untimely accidents,’ such as Lee Bower, who was working directly across from the grassy knoll when the shots were fired. Bower had said in a 1966 television interview that he had seen a flash and a puff of smoke behind a wooden fence just behind the grassy knoll. Just months later, Bowers died in a single car accident.

Harold Peterson said his father confessed to being the man behind the picket fence, and it was he who landed the kill shot, not Oswald.

“He wanted to clear the name of Lee Harvey Oswald. He told us that Oswald was innocent and had been set up because he had owed a lot of money to someone with power. Dad did not mention who else was behind it,” Peterson said. “To be honest, at first we thought he was just talking crazy from the meds he was on, or maybe playing one last joke, because that’s how my dad was, but then when he wept, I knew it was true. My dad killed JFK!”

Charles Ray Peterson passed away peacefully just after sharing the news with his family. He had been hospitalized during his final weeks while suffering from adrenal cancer.

Government To Reduce Food Stamp Allowance Of Overweight Recipients

Posted on December 29, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), which Americans commonly refer to as the ‘Food Stamp Program’, has voted to reduce the monthly allowance of obese welfare recipients, according to body weight according to SNAP spokesperson Winston C. Douglas in an announcement earlier today.

Douglas said that after a vote was brought to the SNAP board of directors, that the group voted unanimously in support of the proposed measure in an attempt to fight obesity in the United States.

“An alarming statistic was brought to the board which stated that over fifty-percent of SNAP benefit recipients are grossly overweight, many of which are clinically considered obese. This, of course is major cause for concern with how the program is operated” Douglas said.

All SNAP recipients, including all who live in the household, will be ordered to take a physical as part of the new plan. Depending on results, funding could be drastically reduced for those who are overweight. A measure many suggest is long overdue, including New Jersey governor Chris Christie.

“I have to work in order to overeat,” the hefty governor said when asked about the new measure. “It’s a problem when the government is giving people money to sit on their lazy butts and just eat all day. It is about time something is done about this plague of people abusing the accessibility of welfare benefits.”

There are also those who think it is highly inappropriate to require welfare recipients to take a physical in order to receive their monthly allowance, such as Shantae Johnson, 32, of Cleveland, Ohio.

“Who the hell they think they are? Just because we poor means we can’t be fat? I think it’s wrong, and we deserve to get what is owed to us no matter how we look! People pay taxes for us to have that money to get whatever food we damn well please,” Johnson said angrily. “This is an outrage and we not gonna put up with the harassment! I don’t see them harassing rich people who are fat!”

President Obama Signs Bill Creating ‘Rodney King Day’ As New Federal Holiday

Posted on December 28, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Yesterday, in the John F. Kennedy Memorial White House Ballroom, President Barack Obama signed a bill, proposed by Representative DeMarcus Johnson of Georgia, creating ‘Rodney King Day’, and making it a federal holiday. The new holiday will be recognized annually on April thirty-first, starting next year in 2015.

In the United States, a federal holiday is an authorized holiday which has been recognized by the government. On Rodney King Day, non-essential federal government offices will be closed, including the post offices and the federal reserve, and every federal employee will be paid for the holiday. Private-sector employees required to work on the holiday shall receive holiday pay in addition to their ordinary wages, according to the bill.

Democratic Representative DeMarcus Johnson of Georgia, who proposed the bill, says that it is very important for the American republic to celebrate the awareness of social unity during times of public adversity.

“As you may very well know, Rodney King, after being brutally beaten by the Los Angeles police officers was made a national hero when he uttered the powerful quote for which he will always be remembered, ‘Can’t we all just get along?'” said Johnson. “Mr. King cried out to the American public during the infamous L.A. Riots, and later suffered through a trial where his abusers were found to be innocent. As good Americans, it is our ultimate responsibility to make it a point to remember these great words from such a heroic and wise man, whose justice was never properly served.”

President Obama says the now famous words of Rodney King offered America a great deal of hope while setting the standard for change.

“Hope, change. These ideas are a product given to use by the great Rodney King. Mr. King made a remarkable difference – not only in this great country of hard-working God-fearing citizens – but the world as a whole continues to feel the remnants of peace, hope, love, and the overall importance of unified change,” said Obama. “It is my honor to sign this extraordinary bill. As I stand before a better America today, it is with pride and utmost appreciation that I say, on the behalf of the great American people, thank you Rodney King. Thank you very much.”

USDA Approves Commercial Sale Of Breast Milk At Grocery Stores

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

There is a growing trend among health advocates and nutritional experts across the entire world, and it’s something that most people stopped drinking in infancy – human breast milk.

Until earlier this morning it has been illegal to sell or bottle breast milk for consumption, outside of normal use of mothers feeding their babies. After extensive research and testing by the USDA, the United States government has decided to give human breast milk a full license to be sold commercially in grocery stores.

John Williamson, USDA President of Public Relations and Nutritional Awareness, announced in a statement issued to multiple media outlets that all United States grocery stores will be permitted to sell human breast milk which has passed USDA requirements. “There is a growing fad throughout the nation, and indeed the world, of adults drinking human breast milk fresh from the source,” Williamson said in the statement. “We have now taken steps to insure that adults can get those same nutritional values without having to suckle the teat directly, as breast milk will be bottled and sold at retail.”

Despite the legalities of breast milk consumption and sales up to this point, the product has become synonymous with fitness advocates and body builders, who have long been purchasing the milk through black market trade.

“It is time for the United States to cash in, and sanction the overall availability of healthy, fresh, bottled human breast milk for children and adults. It is a great source of nutrition which has never before been available, and it is due time for Americans to get healthy, while beefing up our pocketbooks.” Williamson added.

In several countries it has become popular for adults to hire ‘wet nurses’ who feed the consumer directly, but Williamson states that this method is very irresponsible and the female producers of the milk need to undergo thoroughly extensive testing on a weekly basis for guaranteed safety.

“We strongly discourage adults, who are not the children of the milk provider, from feeding directly from the breasts of various women. It is not safe, and could spread disease,” said Williamson. “However, many of the top dairy providers of the U.S. have begun to take applications for breast-feeding women to begin testing on their product, a very good way for American women to make a little extra cash while helping our economy. Everybody wins!”

USDA officials say Americans can expect to see human breast milk for sale in grocery stores all across the nation within the coming months.