Law Firm With Unfortunate Name Declares Bankruptcy

Posted on July 7, 2015 by DvanL

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

What’s in a name? Unfortunately for one Pittsburgh area law firm containing an unintentionally success-killing message, the answer is: everything.

The personal injury law firm of Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn, closed its doors last week and filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy after recent efforts to expand its client base fell short.

“I knew from the start that we shouldn’t have gone with alphabetical order,” said Patricia Bleedom, former partner in the recently shuttered law practice. “Truth be told, we tried all kinds of naming combinations, but none of them seemed to work. ‘Drye Rhunn’ was on the table for a bit, but with a name like that, it sounded like we weren’t ready to practice law, when in fact, we have over 45 years of combined experience!”

Partner Maxine Drye was the first to recommended a simple name change earlier this year when business began to taper off. “I came up with ‘Rhunn Partners’ but decided it sounded too much like sportswear. ‘The Drye Group’ was just, I don’t know – it just sounded sad. ‘Bleedom Limited Partners’ made me think of a commuter rail line, or something surgical,” she recalled. “We were going in circles.”

“We also considered ‘Rhunn Drye,’ she continued, “but that was like saying we couldn’t come up with any winning strategies for our clients. ‘Drye Bleedom’ didn’t sound approachable enough.”

“There was way too much talk about renaming the firm,” said LaVerne Rhunn. “We were wasting valuable time better spent chasing down accident victims and finding people who were maimed or injured on the job. I guess all that stationery we ordered is going to be used for scrap,” she mused, packing the remaining contents of her desktop into a shoebox. “We had a good run,” said Rhunn.

It’s not easy in the best of times to keep a business going,” commented Bleedom, “and with this economy, no matter how many clients you get who’ve suffered from medical side effects such as unwanted hair growth, impotence, insomnia, partial hearing loss, tinnitus, female ‘male pattern baldness,’ uncontrollable muscle movements, dropsy, temporary blindness, birth defects, itching, fever, rash, impotence, sneezing, congestion, wheezing, reverse asthma, high blood pressure, constipation and dry mouth, you reach a point where it’s just no fun anymore.”

So what’s next for Patty, Maxine, and LaVerne?

“We’ll probably do something together again, business-wise,” said Bleedom. We work so well together. The thing I’ll miss the most is the camaraderie – we had good harmony together.”

Drye looks forward to the change. “I’m always up for new challenges,” she said. And if these 2 gals over here want to try for something, I’m in!” she exclaimed, all smiles, with just a hint of sadness.

Rhunn was more philosophical about the turn of events. “Maybe it’s time to take a little step back and reexamine things,” she said. “I’ve always wanted to take up sculpting. Maybe I’ll try that. All I know is, when I’m through packing up, I’m going home, burying my head in a pint of Häagen-Dazs, turning off my phone, and catching up on my shows!”

Several States Look To Outlaw Passengers In Vehicles To Avoid Driver Distractions

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

Representatives in congress for the states of Idaho, Mississippi, and Georgia are looking into legislation that would outlaw any vehicle operator having passengers with them. The states say that after cracking down on cell phones and texting while driving, this was the next logical step.

“We have seen the rate of car accidents and deaths reduced drastically since we implemented laws that would force drivers to stop using their cell phones while behind the wheel,” said Idaho state representative Joel Madden-[R]. “We plan to initiate new laws that would make it an offense to be riding in the vehicle while it is in motion. Under new regulations, no vehicle would be allowed to be on roadways with more than one person in them.”

Many state voters in Idaho say that the law is “outrageous,” and will never pass.

“It doesn’t make sense. I can text and drive no problem, I can eat and drive no problem – hell, I can put on makeup while I’m driving, and I’m totally fine,” said Miranda Jewel, 17, of Boise. “This new law will really put a damper on my Friday nights. If I can’t go driving with my boyfriend, then how are we going to drive into the woods together to have sex in the back of his pickup truck? Laws are stupid.”

Most members of congress say that it’s not about putting a damper on freedoms, it’s about making sure everyone is safe.

“Once we have a handle on these horrible in-car conversations, which have caused countless accidents over the years, we will move on to other regulations, including disallowing the sale of any vehicle with a radio, and also forcing car manufacturers to remove cup holders from cars sold in our states – drinking or eating and driving also kills,” said Madden. “We want everyone to be safe, and make it to their destination without veering into a telephone pole or another car.”

State representatives are scheduled to vote on the new regulations May 1st.

Death Row Inmate Allowed To Choose Method Of Execution Picks ‘Old Age’

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHMOND, Virginia –

A Virginia man, Charles Demar, on death row since 2001 for the murder of his wife and two sons, was recently allowed the option of choosing his method of execution by the state supreme court. A statement, released by Demar’s lawyer, says that he has chosen the option to die of ‘old age.’

“Mr. Demar, when given the opportunity to choose the manner in which he would be executed, chose to die by ‘old age,'” said Demar’s attorney, Richard Cheatum. “The state, forced to accept this request, have no choice legally but to let my client go free, so that he may die at the same natural rate as any other person.”

The laws in Virginia appear to be written in such a manner that a request of this nature is perfectly acceptable, with one supreme court judge quoted as saying that he “couldn’t believe” that no one had ever thought to choose that option previously.

“It would be one thing if we were just going to keep him in prison, maybe move him from death row and place him in general population, but with the way our laws are currently written, this particular inmate was able to find a loophole in the system that would grant him the ability to be executed by ‘old age,’ with that time being lived outside of the prison,” said Judge George Morris. “It’s safe to assume that we will be keeping a close eye on Mr. Demar as his time in prison comes to an end and he is allowed to merge back into society.”

“This is an amazing feat that we’ve been able to accomplish, and I am very proud of the work that we have put in to ensure that my client is afforded his ‘perfect ending,'” said Cheatum.

“Fuck yeah, I cannot wait to get the hell out of here,” said Demar. “I have some scores to settle with the sonsabitchin’ jury that put me in here in the first place.”

Demar is set to be released May 1st.

Supreme Court Rules Men Will Have Sole Decision In Termination of Pregnancy

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a landmark ruling, supreme court Judge Joe Bornstein has stated that in instances of pregnancy, the baby’s father will have the sole decision making abilities on the right to abort.

“Science and studies have shown that men are the better decision makers, especially under times of heavy duress. I don’t know of a time of more duress in a person’s life than an unplanned pregnancy,” said Bornstein. “It is because of these issues that I rule that in instances of unplanned pregnancy, the father will have the sole decision making responsibilities on whether or not to terminate.”

Naturally, many people, especially uppity feminists, were extremely upset at the court’s decision.

“This is an outrage! It’s a crime against women! Help, I’m being raped by the government!” said Nicole Mosier, 26, who is a self-proclaimed feminist. “These judges, these men in robes, they bang their little gavels like they bang their little dicks, and they think they have control over me? They think they have control over any woman? Let’s see them tell me whether or not my rapist has control over whether or not I abort his baby. What will they do then?!”

According to Bornstein, he is unfazed by the comments made by the emerging feminist party, who are calling for his literal balls on a platter.

“In time, they will learn that this is a man’s world, run by men, controlled by men. Women have their places, yes. Women can do many things a man can do, yes. But the one thing she definitely cannot do is make decisions for her own body, health, or the body and health of a possibly unwanted baby.”

Several Southern States Consider Legalizing Murder Of African-Americans To Better Serve Police Forces

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

Several states throughout the southern part of the country, including Texas, Kentucky, and Alabama, are considering passing laws that will legalize the violent murders of African-Americans by policemen and women, to help ‘better serve’ the officers, who many legislators are saying have a job that is tough enough without worrying about possible arrest and conviction themselves.

“There have been several high-profile arrests and trials of white police officers over the last several years after they have been accused of killing ‘innocent’ black men in the streets,” said congressman Vinnie Relso (R-Texas). “I brought forth these new laws, new concepts, because I want our men and women in blue to feel safe. Safe on the streets, safe in their jobs, and safe from prosecution from having to use their weapons in the line of duty.”

Relso says that he has garnered much support from other members of congress, as well as constituents in his home state of Texas.

“Oh hell yes, I don’t see a problem at all with killing a couple gang-banging spooks once in a while,” said Austin resident Gil Myers. “Back when I was a kid, we didn’t have gangs. We sure as shit didn’t have blacks. Now Austin is a violent city full of violent criminals. I don’t carry if a black kid’s got a gun or not when he’s walking down the street. If a police officer wants him to stop and answer some questions, there’s probably a reason. If the officer has to gun him down, shit, he probably had a reason, too. No harm, no foul.”

Many opponents of the proposed bill have stepped up to rally against Relso, who says he has received many death threats since the news first broke of his plans.

“To be honest, though, I don’t pay those threats any mind whatsoever,” said Relso. “As far as I’m concerned, all the emails are from well-to-do blackies and their well-to-do liberal friends, and they’ll never even attempt to say the same things to my face. Besides, everyone knows that no Democrat can fire a gun with an accuracy, anyway.”

Marilyn Manson Threatens To Sue Denny’s Restaurants After They ‘Allowed’ Him To Be Assaulted While Dining There

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ALBERTA, BC, Canada –

Marilyn Manson, the shock-rocker known for his outlandish stage shows and dark and brooding songs and lyrics, was recently assaulted at an Alberta, Canada Denny’s restaurant by another patron. According to reports from the assailant, Manson had made rude comments about the man’s girlfriend, and he punched him after Manson allegedly called her a ‘bitch.’ According to Manson’s management, that’s not how the altercation started.

Manson’s manager claims that Manson was posing for pictures in the restaurant after a late-night concert, when the assailant ‘came out of nowhere’ and punched him in the face. Police reports say that at least three people were involved in the incident, but no one was charged. Manson’s manager said that Manson plans on pressing charges against his attacker, but it appears now he is taking it further.

“I’m going to sue the shit out of that Denny’s,” said Manson during a morning radio interview in Alberta. “If I had been anywhere else, like a hotel or a private club, and someone tried to swing on me, security would have stepped in and beat his ass. At Denny’s, they’re too busy fucking up the drunk at the next table’s order of Moons Over My Hammy and refilling my shitty coffee to worry about stopping a famous celebrity from getting punched in the face. It’s ridiculous.”

Manson was reportedly not seriously injured in the altercation, but is seeking heavy damages.

“Damn right they deserve to pay, I could have been seriously hurt or killed. I’m not as young and spry as I used to be, and I bruise easily in my old age. The guy who hit me, he’ll get his turn in court, too, but Denny’s – I’m coming for you, and all your breakfast money.”

A spokesperson for Denny’s corporate attorneys, George Omlet and Richard Egg, could not be reached for comment. Lawyers for Manson say they think he has a “strong case.”

Edward Snowden Reveals He Has Seen Every American Man’s Penis

Posted on April 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNKNOWN LOCATION, RUSSIA –

John Oliver, host of HBO satire Last Week Tonight, interviewed NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, in a clip released on Sunday evening. In the course of the interview, Oliver asked Snowden if the NSA had every man’s dick pics. Snowden responded that he himself has personally seen every man in America’s penis, and what he knows is not pretty.

“Every single man in the USA has sent a dick pic at some point in his life, even just to himself,” said Snowden, who is reportedly still in Russia. “And I’ve seen them all. Long, short, fat, thin, ugly and beautiful – I know what yours looks like.”

The interview, organized by Snowden himself, is an apparent attempt to force the government’s hand in granting him immunity from treason charges. Now that the political, legal, and social system in general, are aware of Snowden’s access to the secret of their genitalia, few will be brave enough to try to prosecute him.

“Yup. If you try anything, I’ll tell everyone what an ugly cock you have. In fact, I kept a database of all the dick pics, and I’ll show them to the world!”

Supreme court judge, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, says that they will not be cowed by Snowden’s blackmail.

“You don’t scare us. You think a few dick pics are gonna let you off the hook? You’ve got another thing coming.”

Ginsburg later retracted her comments, after male members of the Supreme Court begged her not to force his hand in releasing the pictures of their male members.

President Barack Obama proudly announced he has nothing to hide.

“I’m proud of what I’ve got, and so should every man be,” Obama wrote. “As Martin Luther King proclaimed, ‘I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color, shape or size of their foreskin, but by the content of their character.”

Free Conversion Therapy Offered to Gays Who Have Been Refused Service By Indiana Businesses

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

In an attempt to compensate for individuals and groups affected by the state’s new so-called ‘anti-gay’ law, Indiana is offering free conversion therapy to anyone refused service by a store-owner. Governor of Indiana, Mike Pence, has come under intense pressure from activists to step down from his post in the wake of the controversial ruling, but he hopes that this gesture will prove he and his district are not maliciously trying to discriminate.

“Conversion therapy becomes very expensive, with many sessions required in order for it to work,” Pence said about the therapeutic process which supposedly can make a gay person straight. “Yet we want to show that we’re committed to all our citizens, even the homos. Especially the homos – they’re really lucky to be offered such a treat.”

Conversion therapy took its place center-stage a few months ago, after transgender teen Lellah Alcorn (17) committed suicide, attributing her decision to the damage done to her by the controversial treatment.

“It’s fortunate that we’ve been reminded it exists,” continued Pence. “Personally, I’d forgotten all about it – that it was an option, y’know. But the whole of America is now talking about it, and I think even the president mentioned it recently, so that’s quite something.”

President Obama indeed spoke about the treatment, calling for it to be banned. The statement released by his office read: “We share your concern about its potentially devastating effects on the lives of transgender as well as gay, lesbian, bisexual and queer youth. As part of our dedication to protecting America’s youth, this administration supports efforts to ban the use of conversion therapy for minors.”

Pence continued to assert that “as far as I know, lots of research has been done into the treatment. We’re proud to say that any homos or lesbos who felt offended by so-called discrimination, now have something good in store.”

Pence admitted that the research he referred to has continually proved conversion therapy ineffective and potentially harmful but reminded us, “no pain, no gain.”

Indiana Looks Toward Future; Hopes To Ban Blacks, Jews From Stores Next

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The state of Indiana may have shocked the LGBTI community when governor Mike Pence brought the so-called “anti-gay” law, which allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers based on religious principles. But lawmakers have indicated that this is only the beginning. According to reports, the state is looking towards the future in the hopes of approving discrimination against blacks and Jews some day soon.

“We’re very proud of our tradition of bigotry,” said Governor Pence. “It’s a big victory for us, this anti-gay thing. But we must remember there’s a long way to go. The fight against progressive values is still in its early stages, and kicking faggots out of stores is great. The bigger goal, however, is to bring back hatred of blacks and Jews. It’s taken a backseat recently – we’re not okay with that.”

President Obama, amongst others, has condemned Pence’s decision to enact the controversial bill, and has expressed his concerns about the direction the state has chosen to take.

“It’s been a dark couple of months in Indiana’s history,” the President told reporters. “Our proud nation has worked tirelessly to bring equal rights to all citizens. Discriminatory laws such as these are a big blow to liberal democracy. To think that one day I, the president of this great nation, might be kicked out of a store in Indiana by a Bible basher, is devastating and absurd.”

Jewish groups have also made their voice heard in protesting the bill. The Anti-Defamation League (ADL), who usually don’t give a fuck about LGBTI rights, have swiftly denounced Pence, stating that “this is a kick in the guts for all those who are against discrimination. If reports are accurate that Jews are next, then the LGBTI community is responsible for fighting the law, tooth and nail, and we’ll be with them all the way. If not, well, they can take care of themselves.”

Colorado Teens Injecting Marijuana To Get High

Posted on March 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a state where marijuana sales and use has only recently become legal, teens and young adults are already finding new ways of abusing the substance to get as high as quickly, and with as much strength, as possible. The new trend among teenage users is to actually inject marijuana in the same way someone would heroin or cocaine, shooting it directly into the bloodstream.

“I’ve been smoking weed for so long, it just doesn’t do the trick anymore.” Said Lucas Davis, a 20 year old from Boulder. “I went on to dabs, and then to other more potent versions of weed, just trying to get as high as [expletive], ya know? Nothing has worked as well as just shooting that [expletive] right into my arm.”

Doctors have already cautioned worried parents that if they aren’t quick to stop their kids from injecting marijuana, they may see an epidemic of young people addicted to the drug.

“These kids who inject, they are far, far more likely to become addicted to marijuana than someone who just smokes it.” Said Dr. Michael Raymond, a surgeon at Bridgeton Memorial Hospital just outsider Boulder. “Weed is an immensely addictive drug. Patients of ours who smoke marijuana have reported that they became addicted almost immediately upon trying it for the first time, and most have to go through months of drug rehabilitation before they kick their addiction – and that is just the people who smoke it. Kids who are shooting up marijuana, they are headed down a serious drug path.”

Despite warnings from doctors and other medical professionals, most teens say they aren’t worried about the repercussions of injecting marijuana.

“I don’t get the fuss with weed, man. It’s all about chilling out, maybe eating a box of Zebra Cakes and watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. It’s not like I have a real drug problem.” Said Derek Paul, a teenager from Aspen, Colorado. “Sure, I get paranoid when I’m high sometimes, but I stopped smoking and switched to banging [injecting] it because sometimes I’d cough so damn much when hitting the bong I thought my lungs were bleeding. This works better. It feels so [expletive] good to get high, you know? It feels really damn good.”

Worried parents in Colorado, as well as other parts of the country, have formed an online support group for people with children addicted to shooting up marijuana. The private Facebook group, Parents Against Marijuana Abuse, or PAMA, already has over 6,000 members.

“You have all really given me so much support through these troubled times in my son’s life.” Said Erin Silver, who posted to the group’s page. “My boy Marcus overdosed while shooting up marijuana, and he almost died. When I showed him all the parents on here, people from all over the country who were scared for their children’s lives, he quit his weed abuse cold turkey. He’s been off marijuana now for 2 weeks. I am so proud of him.”

“I’m not worried about what doctors say,” said Davis. “I just like the way it feels, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get the best high I can. Oh hey, have you seen my box of Bugles anywhere?”