Statue Of Virgin Mary Falls From Roof, Kills Church Member; Church Refuses To Pay For Funeral

Posted on March 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTERVILLE, Arkansas –

A statue of the virgin Mary fell from the roof of the Catholic Church of the Immaculate Conception, killing Margaret Whineburg, 57, instantly. Her husband, Jacob Whineburg, is demanding restitution for her death. The church claims the accident was an act of God and refuses to submit the claim to their insurance.

“My wife was everything to me,” says Whineburg. “We’d do everything together. Begging for change, dumpster diving, finding cans to return. Maggy had my back, and I had hers for over 30 years. It would have been me who died had she not pushed me out of the way. God is dead to me.”

The church says that they are not responsible, and that the statue was repaired only a scant 15 years ago, and should have held just fine.

“What happened to the woman is unfortunate, but it is all part of God’s plan. Furthermore, her husband is homeless. If we give the money to him, he will just use it on drugs and alcohol,” says Rev. Daniel Comboni. “He is welcome to come to our food kitchen at any time if he is in need of a meal, but I’m afraid that’s the best we will do.”

Presidential Race Starts To Get Bloody After Sanders Challenges Opponents

Posted on March 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an attempt to secure the sick and desperate demographic, Bernie Sanders donated blood plasma to help those afflicted with problems ranging from Kawasaki disease to hemophilia. He called for other candidates to take a break from campaigning and do the same.

Plasma donation is more time-consuming than giving blood, in that the blood is drawn from one arm and channeled through an automated machine that collects plasma and returns the red blood cells. The screening process is also more difficult, baring donors from having tattoos or piercings.

Hilary Clinton tried, in an attempt to follow Sanders’ lead, to give plasma but was not able to make a donation due to the small tattoo on her buttocks that says “Bill.” She reportedly told the nurse, “I was going to say I never regretted getting that tattoo more, but that’s untrue. There was another time I regretted it more…”

Trump’s campaign managers say he will not be donating plasma, as Trump cannot be sure his donation wouldn’t be given to affluent white males or attractive women.

‘National Enquirer’ Investigation Into Cruz Reveals Shocking Donald Trump Affairs

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Pseudonyms were provided for several of the people involved in the alleged affairs of Donald Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The National Enquirer, the nation’s foremost rag magazine about celebrities and politicians, has been making waves over the last couple weeks after they revealed a series of shocking allegations of affairs that have been allegedly perpetrated by senator Ted Cruz. Although the presidential candidate has denied the allegations, the Enquirer has continued their investigation, and also come across a series of detailed affairs by another candidate, Donald Trump.

“Donald Trump has had multiple affairs over the years, and we’ve finally got the proof,” said Enquirer president Jordan Meeks. “We have been able to pinpoint solid information that Trump has had at least 2 female lovers. We are hiding their identities currently, and are referring to them solely as ‘Shmosie O’Shmonnel’ and ‘Shmegan Shmelly.’ We also are investigating an alleged affair with a man, who we are referring to as ‘Shmis Shmisty.'”

Donald Trump steadfastly denies the rumors, and says it’s “impossible” that he could possibly have had any affairs. Many people believed that Trump had worked with the Enquirer to spread the rumors about Ted Cruz, as he has close ties to the magazine, but the news breaking about his affairs seems to put a kibosh on his involvement.

“I have had plenty of failed businesses, and almost as many failed marriages, but none of those things failed because I’m a cheater,” said Trump. “I do a lot of things, and I say even more, but one thing I’ve never done is put my penis where it doesn’t belong when it doesn’t belong there. These allegations are as gross and exaggerated as any about me. I plan on suing the Enquirer for making these false claims.”

Man Sues For Right To Be Sexually Harassed At Work

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Carl Smith, an office worker in Louisville, says that he is suing his employer, Carlton Business Solutions, over his right to be sexually harassed in the workplace.

“When I began working for Carlton, I did not sign an anti-sexual harassment policy disclosure, because I have no problems being sexually harassed,” said Smith. “Three years has gone by, and now HR is saying that I have to sign the paper if I want to continue working for the company. That isn’t fair in the slightest.”

Smith says that he wants to be able to be sexually harassed at work if another co-worker feels right in sexually harassing him.

“I’m not a pervert. I am not going to be hounding the ladies or making crude comments,” said Smith. “But that doesn’t mean that they might not to want to say something to me. Maybe they want to make a lewd joke that references the size of my penis. Or maybe they want to give me a playful ass-slap while I’m making coffee in the break room. Those are things I’m okay with, and as such, I refuse to sign any policies on the matter.”

Smith says that he has retained a lawyer, and plans on taking his case “all the way to the supreme court,” if necessary.

“I don’t have anyone to go home to a night, and this job is all I have,” said Smith. “I want to make it the kind of environment that I feel comfortable working in, that’s all.”

Bird That Landed On Sanders’ Podium Left Feces All Over It; Trump Calls Event ‘Symbolism’

Posted on March 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Bernie Sanders says that there was some great symbolism in the bird that landed on his podium during a speech the other evening, causing the crowd to go into a thunderous applause.

“Yeah, that symbolism is that he’s shit, and he’s going to shit all over everything,” said Donald Trump, after hearing of the event. “You can bet that’s true. I’ll make America great again, and no birds will be getting anywhere near my great country, except for the baldest of eagles.”

The bird, which flew down as Sanders was talking, did indeed leave a giant mess all over the podium, almost splashing Sanders in the process. The senator hid it well during the speech, but later, a staffer confirmed that it was a massive clean-up.

“You don’t even realize it, but it’s obviously the tiny birds that make the biggest messes,” said lowly Sanders staffer Mike Clarke. “I had to go out and scrub down the podium. I had to carefully get rid of the paper signs we had hanging. Then I had to take Mr. Sanders’ tie to the dry cleaners. It really got all over. I have no idea how the cameras didn’t pick it up. I think it must have been the crazy applause by the crowd that scared the literal shit out of that bird.”

Shoplifting Mother Blames Crime On Baby; Baby Gets Arrested

Posted on March 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WESTFIELD, South Dakota –

A woman who was stopped for shoplifting at Walmart claims that it “wasn’t her” that put more than $900 worth of merchandise into her baby carriage, and that her 4-month-old infant is to blame.

“Jamal has him some kleptomania, and it’s bad, so bad,” said Ja’La Jones, 24. “That little boy be stealing anything and everything when we go into the store. I’m ashamed, but he’s my son, it’s what I gotta deal with you, know?”

Police say that store detectives stopped Jones on suspicion of shoplifting after they say they saw multiple devices sticking out from underneath the diaper bag in her baby stroller.

“There was a PS4 video game system, some games, movies, a flat iron, and a 40oz,” said Walmart security guard Jim Olson. “We stopped Ms. Jones, and she said that her baby must have grabbed all the things when she wasn’t looking and stuffed them down there.”

Curiously enough, upon review of the store security footage, Jones was never seen putting anything in to her carriage at all; police ended up arresting her baby for grand larceny.

“He’s on a troubled path, but I think some time in jail might do him good, while he’s young,” said Jones. “Don’t want him ending up like whichever one of them guys is his daddy. All 4 possibilities are in jail right now. It’s a tough life out here.”

Donald Trump’s Wife Melania Is Revealed To Be Sex Robot

Posted on March 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Technology has advanced well beyond what most of us would have ever dreamed up. Between the supercomputers in our pockets to Google’s self-driving cars, we live in an age of wonder. Japan has been at the forefront of another technology for many years in the form of sex robots, or uber-realistic robots that can be used for sexual pleasure and, frankly, not much else.

It has recently been discovered that Donald Trump’s wife, Melania Trump, to whom the Donald has been married for the last 10 years, is actually a lab-created robot who was built for the Republican candidate on special order.

“She is beautiful, charming, and she’s an amazing lay,” said The Donald to a group of supporters, recently. “No woman in her right mind would be with me with those atributes. Not even with my wealth and power. I know that – I’m not as dumb as the media makes me out to be. No, instead, I had the best engineers in Japan build Melania for me in a lab. She is 100% to my specifications.”

Trump says that the best part about having a sex robot for a wife is that they “always give it up” when you want it, and it’s not even rape, because they’re not people.

“They also can’t get pregnant, which is fantastic, because no one likes pulling out, that’s for sure,” said Donald. “This model will be good on these batteries until long after I’m dead. It’s truly a marvel of modern technology.”

If Trump wins the presidency, then Melania will be the first sex robot to become the first lady, as well as the first straight sex-machine to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom since Marilyn Monroe had her affair with JFK.

Man Sues Hooters After Getting Small-Breasted Waitress On Visit

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Kyle Reese, 50, says that he is taking suit against a Hooters location in Miami, Florida, after a recent visit to the restaurant. According to Reese, he was assigned a “tiny-titted” waitress, and was refused service after he requested a girl with a “bigger rack.”

“As the great Chris Rock said, ‘No one goes to Hooters for wings,'” said Reese. “I went there, and I wanted to oogle. I have gone many times, and I always get good looking, stacked chicks. This time, I got some small-titted, timid girl. It’s not my type. I asked to be seated somewhere else, and they said no. Then they refused to serve me at all when I demanded a hotter girl.”

Management in the restaurant say that they had no choice but to ask Reese to leave after he began screaming about “tits and ass” inside the family establishment.

“We are a family-friendly place, and we had many other people eating at the time,” said manager Joel Silver. “This was not the kind of environment we want our other guests to have to deal with, so Mr. Reese was removed from the property.”

Reese is seeking $2 million dollars in damages, claiming that the restaurant falsely advertised their product.

Anonymous Bidder Spends $3.5 Million On ‘Share A Coke With Trump’ Bottle

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

An anonymous online bidder on eBay has reportedly paid over $3.5 million for a bottle of Coca-Cola with the slogan ‘Share a Coke With Trump’ written on it. The bottle, which comes directly from the Trump campaign, is reportedly signed by Trump, and all proceeds go “back into the campaign,” the auction said.

“I am extremely honored that someone would donate that much to my campaign, and I am glad that because of the way that we set up this auction, it is completely legal and totally tax free,” said Trump. “Because the donator was so generous, I will also be sending him a 12-pack of Coca-Cola cans, so that he can enjoy the smooth taste of the best soda on the market.”

Coca-Cola stock dropped to all-time lows after the announcement, with most people falsely assuming that Coca-Cola sponsored The Donald. A spokesman for Coca-Cola says that there is “no way in hell” that they support Donald Trump, and that the company does not make its political leanings known, except to remind people to always vote Coke over Pepsi.