Texas Man Sentenced To Death For Cooking Girlfriends Dog, Serving It To Family For Dinner

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Anthony Rojas, 29, of Dallas, Texas has been sentenced to death by the state of Texas for cooking his live-in girlfriends dog, a three-year old Pomeranian named Bugsy, then serving it to the woman and her parents for dinner.

Gloria Martinez, 33, called police on the evening of October 22, 2013 after discovering that Rojas had cooked her beloved dog for dinner. In the official police report, Martinez stated that Rojas had offered to make dinner for her and her parents and had finished their meals and began calling for Bugsy to feed him leftovers. Martinez said that after her parents complimented Rojas on the meal and had left for the evening, that he then told her that he had cooked and served Bugsy for dinner because they had no meat and no money to buy any.

In a lengthy trial, prosecutors persuaded the jury that Rojas had planned to kill the pet, and that the act was indeed, premeditated murder of a loved family member. He was found guilty of first degree murder by the 12 jurors. Sentencing was then handled by Judge Mary Joe Henderson, who just happens to be a dog-loving owner of two Pomeranians of her own. She chastised Rojas during the hearing before sentencing. “Mr. Rojas, you are a coward and a murderer of a beloved family member, I hereby sentence you to death,” the Judge announced. The verdict is the first of its kind in the United States.

Martinez, pleased with the sentence stated that she believes Rojas deserved the death sentence, “Bugsy was my true love and he knew it, he was jealous, so he cooked him and fed him to me without me knowing, and it is sickening” Martinez said. When asked what Bugsy tasted like, Martinez told a reporter from the Dallas Herald that he “tasted like chicken.”

Lawsuit Filed Against Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian By Small-Bottomed Women

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

The nation’s small butts have finally gotten together to file a class-action suit against Nicki Minaj and Kim Kardashian, along with other big-bootied celebrities. The lawsuit has been a long time coming, with small butts having voiced numerous complaints about their treatment in recent media.

“What Minaj and Kardashian and their ilk have done to us is nothing short of defamation,” said leader of the Big Butt Coalition, Sonny Peru. “We used to be proud of our size, even when Sir Mix-A-Lot couldn’t lie to us about liking big butts. That was all in good fun. But Minaj’s assertion that her ‘anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun,’ maligns us, turning us into a laughing stock. We’re the butt of everyone’s jokes,” he added, and laughed awkwardly at his cheesy quip.

Other body part groups have hailed the action as a possible landmark move, stating that if the small butts win their suit, it will pave the way for their own future actions.

“We’ve been struggling under the pressure of our bigger counterparts for decades now, maybe centuries,” stated head of the Small Breasts League, Melissa Jacobson. “Big butts have got it together better than we do, and their action has been relatively swift. It will serve as an inspiration for the small boob community to pool our resources. We’re generally self-sufficient – we don’t need much support, you know – but if we work together we too can make our mark on society.”

Legal experts are divided on the predicted outcome of the lawsuit.

“I think they’ll win,” said our own correspondent, Nick Haymaker. “After all, there are still plenty of men and women out there who love the small booty.”

Donny Hubert of CNN, however, disagreed.

“Big butts are in, and that’s just the way it is. Nicki Minaj and the like are simply a sign of what the public wants. Anacondas need their homes, ya dig?”

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Michelle Obama has made a name for herself as a particularly active and community-oriented first lady. Now the mastermind between the Healthy Eating Act is taking her public relations a step further. She has announced that she will be posing fully nude in an upcoming Playboy centerfold.

“Women’s issues are always at the top of my agenda,” she stated in an open letter to the public. “Something that has plagued modern day females is expectations of modesty and shame about how they look. While women such as Lena Dunham have done their bit to change the norms of girls being ashamed to show their ‘societally imperfect’ bodies, the First Lady appearing naked will make body pride all the more normal.”

President Obama has expressed his support and delight at his wife’s announcement.

“Michelle is a very sexy lady. She should have the privilege that any other woman has, to show the sides of herself that she chooses,” he told the press. “The First Lady has the right to bare arms. And legs. And thighs, and breasts.”

Conservative radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has used his platform to bemoan what he calls “proof that liberals are bringing on the Apocalypse.”

“First, they took over Hollywood and practically turned acting into nothing more than pornography,” he raged. “Now they are going way too far. The First Lady should be a role model, not a Playboy model. What about the children? Has she forgotten about the children?”

But not all conservatives feel the same way. Republican senator Mitch Mcconnell has voiced his approval at the groundbreaking news.

“I think it’s sweet,” he wrote on his blog, ‘Republican Matters’. “Michelle is a close friend of mine, and I’ve always thought she’d look good in the buff. If anything, it’s a travesty she’s kept her body from us this long. The First Lady belongs to the people, and the people have spoken. It is time to see Michelle Obama’s lady bits.”

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress ‘Just To Piss Off Republicans’

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In the latest round of exchanged animosities between the Republican and Democratic Parties, Barack Obama has officially invited Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, to speak before Congress. The news comes in the wake of House Speaker, John Boehner, inviting Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak in what is usually considered a ‘sacred’, constitutionally defended forum.

“We think it’s only appropriate that President Rouhani gets the same opportunity as Netanyahu,” Obama told a press conference. “After all, Netanyahu’s speech was designed as a defamation of Rouhani’s country. Also, we happen to know that the Republicans will hate this. Two can play at this game.”

Political experts around the country have been frantically throwing their opinions at our reporters.

“Get ready for a fight night like never before!” said Rita Harlow. “I expect Boehner and Obama to get physical this time around.”

“Rouhani is gonna blow those Republicans away,” Noel Reed told us. “Not literally – I mean, not with a nuclear bomb or anything. I mean, oh God, I didn’t mean… I don’t know anything I promise!”

Congress has already been likened this week to a ‘high school’, a ‘neighborhood watch meeting’, and a ‘parents-teachers AGM’. The Republican invitation to Netanyahu – which was kept secret until all plans were finalised – was an unprecedented breach of protocol. All the more so, since Netanyahu’s agenda was apparent – as the speech coincided with the upcoming Israeli elections.

“We’re organizing new elections in Iran,” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi. “Our move has to be just as petty as theirs. Otherwise, they still have one up on us. Which is entirely unacceptable when dealing with petty politics.”

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, for his part, has thanked the Democratic Party for inviting him to speak before Congress. Although his gracious acceptance did have one caveat.

“I’m delighted to have the opportunity to speak to Congress,” he said. “However, I want to ensure that no partisan politics are reflected in the decision. Otherwise, no deal. I will not compromise the stature of Iranian Democracy for the petty infighting of US politics.”

Court Jester Set to Perform at Democratic Party Dinner

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The official spokesman of the White House has announced in the public square that the court jester will be performing at the upcoming party being hosted by the Democratic Party. His services are being employed for the first time this decade, after his last disastrous mishap at the First Lady’s banquet. The public is expected to be given pavilions from which to watch the official jester’s performance on a first come first serve basis.

“This is very exciting,” said one peasant. “I’ve heard so much about this dude’s talent, and I just can’t wait to watch him juggle, jest, and make a fool of himself for our entertainment.”

Lord of the court, Barack Obama, says that the renewal of the loyal servant’s services is appropriate, due to the climate of the times.

“We need some lightheartedness to bring to our people,” he told his aides. “With nuclear weaponry, sewerage, and the plague of Ebola having cast a dark cloud over our beloved country for the past few years, it is time to welcome our most important entertainer back from exile.”

The jester was sent into exile in 2006, after he spilled blood on then first lady Bush’s elegant gown. He was in the middle of a caper in which he cut open a large growth he had been cultivating on his forearm, and had grown to massive proportions. Unfortunately, as he stuck in the knife, the pressure from the growth caused a massive expulsion of blood and pus into the crowd, contaminating viceroy Dick Cheney and First Lady Bush. The administration sent him to live in the dark jungles of Africa, where he was recently located and returned to our shores.

In his own statement to the local press, the jester said that he was “grateful to the king and all his servants who worked to restore my honor. I have learned from my mistakes and will exercise the necessary caution this time when I cut off my manhood for the entertainment of my dear leaders. I promise that this time there will be no stray blood, urine or even semen.”

White Teen Murders Her Black Baby, Gets House Arrest; Judge Says ‘Child Would Have Been Gangbanger Anyway’

Posted on March 7, 2015 by ZGHarris

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a stunning turn of events, a Colorado woman has been given a sentence of 6-months house arrest after she was convicted of murdering her child. The reason for the crime is almost as heinous as the crime itself, as the judge noted the loss of life being “less than substantial,” due to the color of the child as well as the background of the mother/father.

“Due to the father being a less-than-stellar member of society, as well as the mother being one to consort with this type of individual, I find no reason to extend her sentence longer than necessary, at a cost to the tax payers,” said Judge Jeffery Reinhold.

Social advocates have been in an uproar since the judgment, with many citing an obvious line of racism in the Judge’s sentencing.

“The man is a bigot and it’s as simple as that,” said Nancy Hartford of Conscious Social Change, a progressive action collective of citizens in Colorado. “Just because the father is African-American and may have a history of violent crimes, does not somehow wave the child’s rights.”

In response to the outrage, Reinhold has stood firm in his position.

“The bottom line is that incarcerating the mother would be a waste of taxpayer dollars. The father was a criminal, the mother a drug addict. Putting her in prison would make her a better criminal and cost us all more money. What is done cannot be undone. While tragic, it is logical to assume the child would have grown up to be a poor citizen. More than likely he’d listen to gangster rap and dream of being a gangbanger. So the loss of life is really not that big. Babies grow up, and this baby would have decidedly grown up to be a criminal, too.”

Nancy Hartford and the entire CSC collective stated they could not even find the words to respond to the ridiculous and heartless statements of Reinhold. And only questioned if the mother was given a short sentence due to her being white.

“The mother has a chance to be rehabilitated,” said Reinhold. “Six months includes visits from clergymen and from community members that can help her see the error of her ways and turn back to being a proper citizen that does not consort with gang members and drug addicts.”

When pressed for comment Hartford could only respond with “Some people in this world have a sick sense of right and wrong.”

Obama Signs Bill Forgiving All Student Loan Debt

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may now be off the hook for their education costs. President Obama signed a new federal bill this week releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt because of the high interest rates and outrageous balances caused by college loans.

“Any student, past or present, who has taken loans from the federal government within the last 10 years to pay for higher education, will no longer be required to pay back those loans.” Said President Obama. “This forgiveness also is to be extended to any student currently enrolled in college, who may need financial assistance for the next several years as they finish their degrees.”

The idea of student loan forgiveness has been in the news for several years now, as students are forced year-after-year to leave school due to crippling costs of a higher education in the US. With most students not able to afford any facet of college without loans, the government has given out nearly $1 trillion dollars to those seeking a form of higher education. Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government.

“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation.” Said Obama. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and to give them some hope that they can and will receive their degrees, and they can work towards a future for themselves and their families, and not just a future of paying back debt.”

Although the bill was signed on Thursday afternoon in a live press conference, the forgiveness of loans will not begin until the end of 2016 at which point current and former students will begin to see interest and repayment amounts dwindle automatically, eventually leaving everyone with a complete zero-dollar balance.

Even while the government has decided to forgive loans from the public sector, private held companies such as Sallie Mae, the leading lender for higher education, still has sky-high interest rates and non-budging repayment schedules. With close to $1 billion in net income every year, Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in not pursuing every possible avenue to squeeze every penny we can out of our borrowers.” Said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Education is important to us, but paying back your loans are what we care about. We aren’t loan sharks, we aren’t going to break your kneecaps if you don’t pay, as much as we would like to…[But] you can bet we love making all that sweet, sweet high-interest rate cash.”

Students who are currently making payments or have defaulted on their loans can expect to receive a packet letter within the next 3 to 4 months detailing how their assistance loans will be forgiven and what percentage, if any, will be left owed to private companies and firms.

New Military Rules Mandate Only Accepting Recruits Born Without Hair

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

New US military rules mandate that only new recruits born without hair will be accepted into the defense force. This comes as an advancement on the long-running condition of all soldiers having their heads shaved on entry, which research has shown to be a positive measure of effectiveness. The move has raised concerns that recruitment rates will drop dramatically, with hundreds or even thousands of applicants being rejected.

“It’s going to tear our military to shreds,” said former General Robert Martins. “I know how important hairlessness is in fighting wars. Hell, only those without hair make it anyway in the army. But we still need the standard soldiers to fill the ranks, even if they’re not the most committed or efficient.”

Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, has moved swiftly to calm fears, announcing that proactive steps will be taken to ensure that military numbers are not affected by the latest rulings.

“There are still kinks to be fine-tuned,” he said in an address to congress. “We’ve found that one hairless soldier is as effective as five soldiers who come in with hair. As such, numbers are not an issue. Furthermore, other regulations, set to be implemented from March, will reinstate the draft for every individual born without hair. Upon birth, babies will have their status noted, and all those who meet the standards of hairlessness – which include certain babies who have one hair or less – will automatically drafted when they reach the age of eighteen.”

Immediately after Hagel’s address was televised, groups protesting the reinstatement of the draft made their voices heard, saying they wouldn’t back down until the new regulations were withdrawn completely.

“It’s going to create all kinds of problems,” said the new leader of People Against Hairless Drafting (PAHD) Jessica Stein. “Instead of worrying about their babies’ health, parents will be concerned only with how much hair they have. You’ll get corrupt doctors inserting hair implants into newborns’ heads. It’ll tear the nation in half, and it won’t be pretty – especially when newborns have hideous strands of someone else’s ass hair disfiguring their pretty little heads.”

Barack Obama In Blue Suit May Actually Be White President in Gold Suit

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A fearsome debate has broken out on social media across the globe over whether Barack Obama is a black president dressed in blue, or a white president dressed in gold. Obama has long been considered the first black president of America, but is he really?

The controversy was sparked by a photo of the president at a gala event in California last weekend. Although more than fifty percent of viewers saw the African American leader in a blue suit, a significant minority insist that he is a white man in a gold suit. YouTube videos attempting to explain the phenomena have gone viral, but which reality is real?

“This is a fantastic example of how people’s brains do not interpret sensory input in a uniform way,” said physicist Michael Surewood. “There are many possible explanations for why different individuals see different colors, including the possibility of our minds assuming that the president was standing in shade, that shadows were falling across his outfit, and so on. But what is clear, is that the very identity of our country’s leader is in doubt.”

Republican MPs have come out strongly in support of the white and gold rendering of the president, some going so far as to say that the “first African American President line was a simple deception to draw in liberal votes.” Rand Paul, a possible contender for the 2016 presidential elections, is at the forefront of this view.

“You can’t tell me what I’m seeing is wrong,” he said to reporters. “I see a white president in a gold suit, and that’s that. Am I meant to believe that my eyes don’t work properly? I’ve been categorizing people by colors all my life. I think I would know when I see a white man.”

However, photographs have emerged of the prototype of Barack Obama, showing conclusively a black president in a blue suit. Debate may continue over why Obama looks white to some Americans, but what is sure is that he really is a black man.

Alabama Congressman: New Anti-Gay Law Will Maintain Proud History of Bigotry

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Alabama congressman, John L. McLawton, has praised the passing of a landmark bill that will tolerate and even encourage discrimination against homosexuals in his state. This comes as a growing proportion of the state’s citizens are joining the fight to protect the traditional identity of the region. Previously, the only victory of the movement known as People Against Oppressive Tolerance (PAOT) had been the legalization of forced conversions of Muslims and Jews.

“This is a great victory in preserving our proud history of baseless bigotry,” said PAOT chairman, Hamish Connolly. “The southern states have always served the final bastion of the US identity, and these traditions are a major part of who we are as a people.”

The bill has come as a major blow to the growing LGBT rights movement in certain Alabama cities, which has up till now been fighting for the legitimization of gay marriage. Observers will expect the organization to change their stance, regressing to the archaic battle against institutionalized intolerance.

“The situation is pretty dire,” admitted marriage equality activist Pam Newman. “I thought we were making headway, but apparently the traditionalists are still in the majority. I know we’ve been reaching a little high – I mean, going against our state’s proud history is a big ask – but I never realized how much we were offending others.”

Despite developments, polls indicate that the majority of Alabamians oppose the bill, with many committing to fight against it – or at least sign a petition. Sociologists cite the natural human instinct “not to be like their parents” as the reason.

“Young people don’t wanna act like the old folk,” said Professor John F Jacobson. “We see it all the time. There’s those who won’t discriminate against blacks, some who won’t beat up Jews, and even a few who reject the idea of intolerance altogether. It’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater in my opinion.”

Reports are now emerging that PAOT’s next fight will be to legalize the disposal of wet infants.