Neil Armstrong, First Man On The Moon, Dead At 82

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

America is mourning the passing of the first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, at the age of 82. The famous and pioneering astronaut died from health complications brought on by his 2012 death, bringing an end to the celebrated life of this true American pioneer.

His family released a statement, describing Armstrong as a reluctant American hero [who had] served his nation proudly, as a navy fighter pilot, test pilot, and astronaut.

“While we mourn the loss of a very good man, we also celebrate his remarkable life and hope that it serves as an example to young people around the world to work hard to make their dreams come true, to be willing to explore and push the limits, and to selflessly serve a cause greater than themselves.”

The news triggered an outpouring of tributes to the man who took the first “small step” on the Earth’s lunar luminary.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” tweeted fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin. “In his 85 years on this planet, he managed to live 82 solar cycles, which is more than 96% of that time. That’s pretty darn good. Better than most at least.”

The interstellar traveller, who celebrated his 82nd birthday in August 2012, had previously stated that he intended to live forever, even if he did not manage any more years in that time. But friends say they saw his demise coming.

“When he died in 2012, we knew he wouldn’t last that much longer,” said old school friend Randy Haywood. “I mean, the projected life span after dying is usually six months to a year. He fought on for almost three years. That’s a darn good achievement, but like all men, his death finally killed him.”

An anonymous source informed news outlets that Armstrong’s family were to sue doctors treating him for negligence.

“You have to be very cautious when treating a dead man,” said the source. “These doctors weren’t. Although he lasted a remarkably long time, he could’ve lived for years longer, if not for his physician and surgeon’s inconsideration of his ailing condition.”

A trainee, who had regular contact with the lunar lander, was overheard saying that he was never the same after his body stopped working anyway.

California Man Dies After GPS Directs Him Off Cliff

Posted on February 12, 2015 by JP

ANAHEIM, California –

Investigators are still looking into a car accident that happened Tuesday evening, but initial reports say police believe that the crash could have been avoided if it wasn’t for a faulty GPS navigation system. Carl Povaromo, age 34, died Tuesday after driving his car off a cliff in Anaheim.

Weather in the city being perfect and clear, the fact that there were no brake marks in the road, and no alcohol or drugs found in Povaromo’s system, the accident was first declared a suicide. It wasn’t until police found a GPS system in the car that they realized the cause was due to negligence behind the wheel.

“We were able to use the navigation system to re-trace the route of Mr. Povaromo,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “The route that he had been traveling before the crash was right along the edge of a very high cliff, and the GPS had told him to ‘turn right,’ and unfortunately Mr. Povaromo took the instructions literally, immediately turning right, and driving off into the ravine.”

Police are unsure at the moment if the GPS had a glitch in its system, or if the road packet in the unit had never been updated. Either way, police on the scene told Empire News that they often have people use their GPS as an excuse to get out of tickets for traveling on dangerous, unfinished roads, or the wrong way down one-lane or one-way roads.

“You should always pay attention to the road and not your navigation system,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, you have to be just straight staring at your GPS to go flying off a cliff to your death like a moron. People get so caught up staring at these navigation systems, it is ridiculous. They talk to you for a reason, and you never should take your eyes off the road.”

The company that distributes the GPS, called Let’s Roam! claims they have never had a problem like this before. “We test all of our systems, and update maps as often as possible. We’d like to give our deepest sympathies and condolences to the Povaromo family. We are sorry to hear that Carl has passed away, but we are very happy that he chose one of our GPS units to lead him to those pearly gates in the sky.”

Teenage Girl Dies After Holding In Farts During School Dance

Posted on February 10, 2015 by JP

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

Parents and students at St. Petersburg high school are in shock and tears today after the news of the death of 16-year-old Katy Campbell. Campbell, a junior at St. Petersburg, died while attending a school dance, and the county coroner is claiming her death could have easily been avoided.

According to Dr. Joe Goldsmith of the St. Petersburg Medical Examiner’s Office, Campbell’s stomach imploded, and she died during the high school Winter Wonderland Dance.

“Katy died due to a large amount of built-up methane gas in her stomach,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, we believe she was holding in a bad case of stinky flatulence, this causing her stomach and bowels to rupture. If she had just broken that wind, she would still be here today.”

Police investigators are ruling the death accidental, and say no foul-play is suspected. “Basically, Katy Campbell had the biggest date of her life, and apparently her parents, who are vegans, forced her to eat a giant plate of beans, kale, and spinach before she was picked up,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the St. Petersburg Police Department. “She tried desperately to hold in her gas so she would not be laughed at by her hunky jock date. Sadly, it ended her life. The parents have been through enough, so we will not be charging them as accessories, despite forcing the horrible meal onto poor Katy.”

“I wish she had just run off into the bathroom, or a dark corner somewhere, and just let that fart go,” said Katy’s date, Bob Eakafe. “I mean hell – I farted a couple times while we were dancing. Don’t think anyone noticed. Poor Katy, she probably thought she did it. It’s depressing really, because now I have no one to take to the spring dance next month.”

In lieu of flowers, Katy’s parents request donations be made to your local natural gas company.

Luckiest Man Alive Survives Asia Airlines Crash; Later Killed by Airline Peanuts

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

TAIPEI, Taiwan –

Leo Yang was among the first survivors to appear alive from the wreckage following the TransAsia crash in Taiwan 2 days ago. The 34-year-old businessman appeared, miraculously unscathed, following the incident, which made his death less than an hour later all the more tragic.

Yang had been pulled from the wreckage with little more than a scratch on him, baffling the rescuers who helped save him. He was reported as appearing respectively calm and collected during the extraction.

“When he came out, he thanked us politely and sat in our rescue raft until we took him back to shore,” one rescue worker said. “We assumed he was in a state of shock or something like that. He was almost too calm. After we brought him to shore, he leaned against a rail and pulled out a package of airline peanuts. That was the last time we saw him alive.”

According to an eyewitness, Yang had propped himself against a railing along a walkway. There he stood and attempted to open a package of peanuts for a good hour while he watched the rescue crew continue to work.

“That bag must have been hard to open. But he was calm the whole time,” said the onlooker. “News crews kept passing him by. They thought he was an onlooker because he was so calm.”

The witness then said that Yang suddenly reacted violently. “As soon as he was able to open the peanuts and began eating them, he clutched his throat and began to convulse. It wasn’t long before he collapsed. I called over the paramedics that were available, but it was too late.”

According to paramedics on the scene, Yang fell to an acute allergic reaction to whey protein.

“Some of these packaging companies use a whey powder to help preserve the flavor of peanuts in packaging. Yang apparently did not read the nutrition label on the package, likely due to being emotionally flustered. The adrenaline associated with shock from the crash likely had his body redlining, and so the reaction to the allergy was swift and intense.”

Yang is survived by his wife Patty and his three sons, Charlie, Franklin, and Linus.

First Reported Death By Personal Drone As Woman Killed In Arizona

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Arizona woman Danielle Persephone has been pronounced dead after being struck by a personal drone, in the first incident of its kind. The drone had been procured to gratuitously film scenes of thirty-something year old mothers drinking tea and eating cocktail sandwiches at a birthday party for one of four year old children.

Paramedics arrived promptly, but were not able to resuscitate the mother of two, and pronounced her dead on the scene.

“We’ve been expecting something of it’s kind for years now,” said ambulance driver Ray Harrington. “Drones on private properties, controlled by inept dads trying to impress their jaded families, have always promised disaster. Remember that hilarious video of that groom being hit in the face at his wedding? That had me laughing for days.”

A close friend of the deceased released a statement lamenting the loss. “Danielle will be missed by her two sons – or are they daughters? – as well as her husband, or wife, or ex, or whoever it was she used to bring to these things. I am sure I speak for every one of her friends in saying that this is a tragedy we will gossip about for many years to come.”

The incident will reignite debate on the safety of utilizing technology created for the purpose of bringing death to the enemies of the free world.

“Drones are indicative of Obama’s presidency,” said Republican senator, Dick Howard. “Now they’re a threat to innocent American citizens. I’m a big advocate of the 2nd amendment, but this is going too far.”

Woman Dies After Overdosing On Gluten

Posted on January 27, 2015 by JP

AURORA, Colorado –

Beth Riens, 32, of Aurora, Colorado, died Sunday morning from what doctors are saying is the first case of a gluten overdose.

According to family and friends, Riens lived a very healthy life. She frequently ran, did yoga, and stayed to a specific diet. Friends of Reins tell Empire News that she recently began to eat gluten products again after almost a year of staying away from them.

“She was a very healthy person and I can’t believe she is gone. Beth had been gluten-free for about a year now, until we continued to rib her, because she didn’t have a gluten allergy or sensitivity,” said Riens’ best friend, Jennifer Robbins. “She just got hooked on stupid fad diets, and for some reason thought that ‘going gluten free’ would make her healthier. Turns out, in her case, it was better for her.”

“I’ve been eating gluten products all of my life and I feel completely normal, like most people,” said Reins’ sister-in-law, Carla Reins. “I wish I hadn’t been part of the group to tease her into eat foods with gluten again. I feel somewhat responsible for this, to be perfectly honest. Of course, I may have gotten her back on the stuff, but I didn’t hand her the loaf of whole grain bread that ended it for her, either.”

After examining the body, doctors confirmed that Reins was taking in way too much gluten. Since her body wasn’t used to the amount of intake, it slowly began to shut down, forcing her into cardiac arrest and shortly after, death. According to friends, Reins was eating entire boxes of pasta, cereals, and multiple loaves of bread in a day.

“Beth never did anything half-assed,” said Robbins. “She cut out gluten cold-turkey one day last year, and then last week just decided to get off that stupid wagon, and join us smart people again. Of course, she did it by buying out entire shelves of J.J. Nissen pastries and Wonderbread, but like I said – she never went in half-assed.”

Taliban Vows to Kill More Children If Demands Aren’t Met

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PESHAWAR, Pakistan –

On Monday night, while most of America slumbered safely in their beds, Taliban gunman stormed a school in the Northwestern Pakistani city of Peshawar. Group leaders say the attack that killed 141 people, mostly children, will not be the last in their campaign.

A Pakistani military spokesman, Asim Bajwa, says this is not the first attack on children, and they expect the violence to escalate.

“This isn’t the first attack on our schools. The seven attackers are dead, thankfully, but I fear there will be bigger attacks to come. I don’t think that our government, or the American government, cares about this plight we are facing. I fear we are lost.”

“The problem is, there are many, many more people willing to join with the Taliban and blow their nuts off for this insane cause. All we can do is take ‘em out, one cave at a time,” said US military spokesperson Sam Jackson. “As aid, the US government plans to send some old metal detectors, retired volunteer policemen, and a guy wearing a McGruff the Crime Dog suit to help make their schools safer. We could send military, but to be honest, we just don’t give a shit about – Hey, wait. This is off the record, right?”

The Taliban has said that they believe this violent attack will help them recruit new members. “If you’re not with us you’re against us. Come join us, brothers, and we will teach you the way. We will kill soft, American piglets together. Death to infidels! Death to America!”

President Obama responded to the threats of further violence in Pakistan with a light shrug, and a frown-face. “We’ll do all we can, but to be fair, the gunmen have already been killed, so there’s no real reason to get involved right now. If this massacre and violence had happened in an American school, then the call to action would immediate. But this all happened on a foreign land, with foreign forces attacking foreign people in a foreign school. I think for now, we’ll just wait it out.”

Morgue Delivers Living Baby From Pregnant Corpse

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEDOM, New Hampshire –

A woman who died in a car accident last week in New Hampshire gave funeral directors at a local morgue quite a scare this morning, after the staff discovered that the woman’s baby, who was thought to have also died in the crash, was still alive. The mortician, Brian Warner, and his assistant, Carlie Neil, were able to successfully remove the baby from its mother, and the newborn is said to be in fair condition at Freedom Memorial Hospital.

“Craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Warner of the incident. “The woman, I won’t say her name out of respect for the deceased, but the woman was brought in a few days ago, and she was a wreck. Just awful. Accident nearly tore her face clean off. You ever seen someone whose face was ripped from their body? Of course you haven’t. I’ve seen worse in my day thanks to that Vietnam Conflict, but not by much.”

“I was just prepping her for embalming, when I noticed that there was something moving under the skin of her stomach,” said Neil. “I honestly thought it could be some sort of parasite. Turns out I was close – it was her baby. Since she was dead already, we didn’t bother with any formalities – we just cut into her and pulled the baby right out. He was pretty lethargic when we pulled him out, but I’d seen enough movies and TV to know one quick smack on the ass would fix him up, and it worked. He took a breath, and he never stopped crying after that.”

Doctors say that for the woman’s baby to have survived 6 days inside of her after she had died is nothing short of miraculous.

“Babies feed off what their mother’s eat and drink – they really are like a little parasite growing inside. A person can’t normally go that long without food or water, and a growing baby needs the nutrition even more. The fact that he made it out alive, I can’t believe it. It’s highly possible that he’s the reincarnated Baby Jesus or something. I don’t know, I’m just a doctor, what do I know? I have to say, though, that this whole situation is a medical marvel.”

Fort Lauderdale Law Created To Kill Homeless People Via Starvation

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida –

This past Friday, a new city ordinance in Fort Lauderdale took effect, causing the public handouts of food to homeless to become a crime, punishable by fines and jail time.

No sooner had the ordinance become law than city police found it compulsory to cite three men for handing out food to the homeless, including 2 church pastors. All three men, including a 90-year-old Arnold Abbot – who has been feeding the homeless for over 20 years – could face fines of up to $500 each, and 60 days in jail.

“They don’t understand why this law was created, and why we’re just trying to do our jobs,” said Officer Joe Goldsmith of the Fort Lauderdale Police Department. “See, we have a severe homeless population here, and when you feed them, they just keep coming back. Homeless people aren’t any different from feral cats. Once you give them food, more come around, and they never leave. We’ve got to nip that problem in the bud.”

Fort Lauderdale officials say that they created the ordinance specifically to eradicate the homeless problem ‘plaguing’ their city.

“It’s disgusting. I hate homeless people,” said one city council member. “I mean, my God – get a job for crying out loud. The fact that we have so many homeless people here, it’s just mind-boggling. This new ordinance is perfect. Once we start fining these damn do-gooder types who feed the homeless, they’ll stop helping. Once the homeless can’t get food, they’ll either move on to other towns, or they’ll just die off. Either way, problem solved.”

“These people are just down on their luck, and they need a bite to eat and a friendly face,” said Mark Stuart, a resident of Fort Lauderdale who has often brought food to homeless shelters around the city. “This ordinance spits in the face of what everyone knows is right, and that’s helping your fellow-man. No one wants these people, who just need some help, to die.”

“Actually, that’s exactly what we want to happen,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, come on, they’re homeless. A lot of them even have mental illnesses or diseases, for crying out loud. We don’t need that kind of shit ‘uglying up’ our city. Let’s get rid of them, and we can become a nice, happy place once more. This law will just bring more pain to the homeless, and they’ll suffer. It’s great!”

Oregon’s Assisted Suicide Law Modified, No Longer Just For Terminally Ill

Posted on November 2, 2014 by Abe Abrams

SALEM, Oregon –

In a landmark case, the Oregon Supreme Court today decided in favor of Mandy Matthews, an 18-year-old high school cheerleader who sued for the right for an assisted suicide after being dumped by her long-term boyfriend. The court ruled that Oregon’s terminally ill clause was discriminative, and that any adult should have the right to choose when to die, not just the terminally ill.

”This is the happiest I’ve been since Billy dumped me to go out with the stupid slut Becky Beyer,” said Matthews. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy about winning the lawsuit, but my life is still over and not worth living without Billy. I was going to do it right away, you know kill myself, but we have a big game coming up this weekend and I’m the top of the pyramid so I don’t want to let the squad down. So me and my BFF Jill were texting during the court hearings, and we came up with December 2nd as the time for the suicide. That gives us time to plan a going away party for me, and as a plus it’s Billy’s birthday! How’s that for a present?! F— you, Billy!”

Even though the decision from the court just came out a few hours ago, the state has already received 68 online applications for assisted suicide. In the ‘reasons and explanations’ part of the application, 33 applicants responded ‘Divorce’, 15 responded ‘Depression’, 15 responded ‘I live in Oregon’, and 5 responded ‘that stupid slut Becky Beyer.’